Waiting for the other shoe to drop

A2Poly

A2Poly

New member
I've been worried about posting about this here, because of how negative some posters were about how my poly relationship started. But much has changed since that beginning. My best friend has turned out to be an incredibly supportive metamour, and her and my relationship is stronger than ever. My relationship with her husband is amazing, and a joy I never expected to have in my life.

So where is the shoe? Their relationship. I knew from right near the beginning that they were in a low spot in their relationship. They've been married to over a decade, and we all know that there is an ebb and flow to long term relationships... and they were in an ebb stage.

A couple of weeks ago my friend told her husband that she simply doesn't see him as a romantic partner anymore. I don't think they've had sex since shortly after we all became poly and she started sleeping with her 'fwb'. (That's on hold, as he is working out of state for a couple of months, but it was starting to feel more like a relationship than fwb.)

Her husband's reaction to her statement was, needless to say, great upset. He felt 'friend zoned' (as a feminist I have big problems with that word, but I understand his use of it here). She wants to stay married, and continue raising the children together, and he can't see how that would work, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed (there aren't enough bedrooms to go around now, certainly there is no spare) but not being romantic.

Because there were so many complicating things going on they decided to wait a couple of weeks to have a more in depth discussion about what they want from the marriage. Interestingly, while they both included her fwb in the definition of 'complication', neither included me. In fact each separately took great care to tell me they thought our poly relationship was better than their mono relationship had been in a long, long time.

So. He and I have talked a lot about what 'ideal' looks like (them married and happy, he and I together and happy, her and I still freinds), but also what it would look like if things end with them (would I still stay with him? Would I still be friends with her? Etc). She and I have had similar conversations.

So, over all, I feel secure in both relationships... But I don't feel at all secure in our triad, or about their diad. Because of all the talking with me, even though they are careful to try not to put me in the middle (and I'm careful not to tell tales between them) I know that she still doesn't see him as a romantic partner, and that he doesn't want to stay in an unromantic marriage. And how can there be compromise between those two positions?

Anyway, the "Talk" is scheduled for this week. And I'm scared. I have no idea how to support them both through this, through any coming transition in their marriage (and there will be one, in one direction or another because the status quo isn't working for anyone), and how not to get dragged into the under flow if they do end up separating/divorcing.

All constructive support and advice appreciated... while I wait for the other shoe to drop.
 
I'm here for you if you need me :) Going through something very similar, though potentially more volatile (I wish I could say, but I have no idea how the transition will work in our case).
 
Hi A2Poly,

I think I get the worry that a time of upheaval could affect your relationship with the husband (and your friend his wife?). I get being nervous about their upcoming "Talk," but I think scared is too nervous.

Basically, this is a "him and her" problem, not a "him and you" problem or a "her and you" problem. Yes emotions can make people do strange things, but logically speaking, there's no reason you shouldn't continue to be involved with him (and friends with her), even if they divorce. And I want to note that they've made a point to tell you how positive your relationship with each of them is.

I admit I could be wrong, so I don't blame you for being nervous at least. But if I had to place I bet, I'd place it on you and him staying together.

And I hope she and he will stay married too. Have they tried (poly-friendly) marriage counseling? It could help.
 
Scared was probably a poor word choice. Nervous is much more accurate.

Turns out they started The Talk today, and it didn't go well. She says she will 'suffer through' for another 3-6 months to see if things change... but... they both just sound tired of fighting for it. And that language choice doesn't help. :(

I've suggested counselling. There are money issues that make that hard. But I think counselling is cheaper than separation or divorce!
 
Re:
"I think counseling is cheaper than separation or divorce!"
Click to expand...

Amen. Cheaper and less traumatic.
 
How old is she?

Because it is one thing if she's no longer attracted to him as a lover. That is what it is, and cannot be thing.

It's another thing if she's no longer attracted to him as a lover because perimenopause and shifting hormones sometimes affects libido. At this time, the FWB has the benefit of NRE hormones bumping libido up. Familiar hubby does not. So maybe a check up if she is of age?

Galagirl
 
We are all in our early 40s, so it seems unlikely, but possible... I guess.

Idk, she seems just burnt out. They both do. Like it isn't worth the effort anymore. Kids, jobs, house, life... nothing out of the ordinary there, but maybe that's the problem? The distractions (the FWB, the hobbies) are just so much more attractive?

They had another part of The Talk on the weekend, and he feels much more hopeful about it. But he didn't share any details of why he felt hopeful (He usually does... she does too.) Sometimes I have to stop the overshare actually, so NO details makes me wonder if he isn't trying to talk himself into believing it was a better/more productive conversation than it actually was. She certainly didn't share anything that made me think she had changed any of her views. In fact her and my conversation was entirely about how she missed her FWB.

But it isn't my relationship. And I need to just let them sort it out. Because I do think Kevin is right. He and I are solid, and will last through them breaking up. But it will still break my heart that my best friend's marriage didn't make it.

The hardest thing about poly for me is this double edged sword. Happy and sad at the same time.
 
Early bird perimenopause can start in the 30s in some people. Spend years there before winding it totally down. Menopause is one year since the last period. Could spend the whole 40s doing perimenopause symptoms.

Maybe it is worth a check up?

If they are in a rut, depressed... That is on them to solve , get help to solve, or disband.

I can see it is hard for you to observe. Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
I can see it is hard for you to observe. Hang in there.

Galagirl
Click to expand...

Boy is it ever hard. I think she wants out. And is flailing around trying to admit it to herself, and him, and I. I know it isn't my fault, and I know it isn't my problem, but it just hurts to see her hurting this much (as it would any good friend going through the same thing.)

But it's so much worse because he and are so new in our romantic relationship... and it makes me doubt why we are together (am I his 'rebound'?), how long it will last, her motives in setting us up (broken relationship? Add more people!) and without her am I going to get 'sucked into the void'? Do I want that?...etc, etc, etc. Yes, I know. I'm overthinking. It's what I do :|

:(
 
Even if you're some kind of "proactive rebound," that doesn't prove that you and the husband can't make a real relationship of it. And whatever truth there is to, "Relationship broken, add more people," being a bad idea: That has to do with why your place in the picture doesn't save their marriage, it doesn't have to do with your standing with each of them. Your standing doesn't (or at least shouldn't) depend on their marriage ... in my opinion.
 
And it dropped.

Not sure what the outcome is, but they spent the day/night talking.

Djinn just messaged me that she isn't coping well, and the idea that we have upcoming travel plans is causing her anxiety, so wants to know if we can cancel them. No word from Mal, but don't expect any until after they talk again tomorrow. I'm really scared he's going to cancel our upcoming plans too.

I know it's only been three months, but my relationship with Mal has become so important to me. And I'm not used to having my happiness this interwoven with other people's. I'm struggling not to let the fear of it ending make me end it just so that it is on my terms.

After a decade if being single, solo, and celibate, I'm just not sure I have the relationship skills for dealing with this.
 
Don't even know where to start.

I think Mal has been hiding some of the 'roller coaster' twists and turns from me, and so has Djinn. He thinks there is literal mental illness issues at play, and wants to focus on getting her the help she needs. Even Djinn is saying she doesn't trust the things that are coming out of her mouth right now. This is new. She's always been pretty up and down, but this is... extreme even for her.

But what IS coming out of Djinn's mouth is just amped up versions of things I've heard before. So I still think she is flailing around between "I want to leave my marriage" and "I can't afford to leave my marriage." But maybe there IS mental health stuff making that worse.

She handed him the ultimate ultimatum yesterday: her or me. He didn't answer her, but said to me that he was very close to giving her an answer she wouldn't have wanted to hear.

But I'm still waiting to hear 'I love you' from him. I hear all the pauses where it fits, where he's scared to say it, but he hasn't said it first yet. And I promised myself if I said it I would not say it again until he said it first. So how much does he mean that would pick me over her? And, do I even want him to? Because if he does it means my best friend's marriage is destroyed. And while I didn't do it, and I'm not responsible for it, it is going to suck big time.

In the mean time, Mal doesn't think he can come early for our visit (Friday was on the table) but still wants to come next week. Not sure how much difference the extra days will make in her mental health, so I am half expecting notice that he can't come, even though the plane tickets have been booked for months. Djinn has said that if he comes here not to come back. But he said he still wants to come because he doesn't believe she means it. That's one of the irrational thoughts., and not to be given that much weight.

Djinn said to him that she regrets pushing him towards me because he's drawing away for her, but since I'm actively encouraging him to pull towards her... well, I have a hard time with that, especially after all the times she said that she felt like they've been closer. Mal thinks the thing driving them apart is how she started it with Aladdin. No discussion, no condom. No consideration for Mal :/

Or .... maybe now that she is getting over her head cold she will get a bit of her rationality back, and everything will be fine. For some definition of 'fine' which means 'until next time'....
 
Sounds like their discussions (quarrels) with each other have gone all over the place. I'm sorry to hear Djinn is getting all ultimatumish on you.

Just my personal opinion but I would try not to read too much into the fact that Mal hasn't said "I love you" first yet. If he's said it second, it basically means the same thing, especially if he's the type to be shy about saying something like that and some men certainly are.

Mal is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't, if Djinn keeps it up with this ultimatum crap. You can't blame him for leaning either way on which side of the ultimatum he should take. Mal and Djinn have kids which makes a divorce an extra BFD.

I think Mal and Djinn are making a big mistake by trying to hammer it all out without help from a counselor. Clearly they are not good at doing it on their own.

So I guess things have suddenly gotten a lot messier, and now there is a real chance that your relationship/s with Djinn and/or Mal will be severed. You can officially start being scared about that. I'm sorry it's come to this.

The most we can hope for at this point is that they're both saying a lot of things they don't mean. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
 
Really mad/sad/scared about this. And part of me just wants to cut my loses and run. Part of me wants to have a temper tantrum: "she started it" "I would have never crossed the line if she hadn't opened Pandora's box in the first place". Part if me wants to tell him that she is being crazy in a way I've never seen before and I think HE should cut and run (but those poor kids!)

I am just not coping, at all, in anyway.

I know it is all my responsibility too, at any point I could have said no. I could have backed away and just never had anything to do with it. Taken bookbug's excellent advice and run for the hills.

But here I am.
 
I guess hindsight is 20/20. We can't predict these kinds of things ahead of time.

I would refrain from burning any bridges with them. Instead, let them be the culpable ones for such arson. Take the higher road and try not to interfere with their quarrel in any way. Let them work this out as they will. After the dust settles, you can decide what you want to do with the end results. Let them be culpable for all of the drama, is what I say.

I know none of this makes you feel any better. :( Wish I could have been right about the "low" amount of peril.
 
I'm really struggling today.

I want to trust Mal, but I feel like he is going to have to pick Djinn (history, mental health, kids) because changing all of that is overwhelming. And changing/ending his relationship with me is just so much easier.

And what really sucks? I was ok alone. I was actually great alone. And all I can think of today is I want someone - *Mal* - to hold me while I cry and there isn't anyone, and there especially isn't Mal.

3 months. We blew the damn thing apart in 3 damn months.
 
Just wanted to send you a hug.

Like you I was single, celibate and very happy for a long time (about 7 years in my case). I wasn't looking for a relationship and would have happily continued to be single had I not got back in touch with an old FWB who I hadn't seen for years and years.

We've been together for about 4 years now and at first I found it incredibly hard. I was unprepared for the emotions that would go along with falling in love again. I found myself off balance, struggling to deal with what I was feeling.

I still find my life less peaceful and more complicated than it was when I was single. I'm happy to deal with it because I love my partner deeply and I think that both our lives are better for us being together.

Finding myself feeling strong, unpleasant emotions took me by surprise too but I think it's normal. I hope that things improve for you soon.

IP
 
Djinn and I had a good talk last night about the things our brains have been telling us are true. How crazy thoughts can feel like clarity, but are actually the opposite.

I think, maybe, the world is not ending. But I'm also a lot more scared that it could than I was a week ago. It's going to take some time to heal from this. My chest still hurts this morning from all the crying yesterday. And except for a text from Mal saying he was happy that Djinn and I were chatting and that it sounded good from their side, we haven't spoken. Mal and I have some talking to do. And some of it won't be fun.

IP, thank you for sharing your story a bit, I will try and keep that in mind, and let them know what a struggle it is for me to just BE in a relationship after all this time. I had really begun to believe I was asexual. Didn't have the desire anymore at all, and then BOOM. Burning flames. That alone is a lot of change... And I need to cut myself more slack in dealing with it.
 
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