Walking a new path...

marksbabygirl said:
1. The person trying to get their point across has a clear understanding of the point. Sometimes it's a matter of having to talk it out to understand it clearly.

2. The person who's "listening" actually hears what's being said, not what he or she WANTS to hear, based on their perception of the situation. Last night Wellington and I had a major breakthrough. In MY perception, I have been saying the same things over and over and over, but he just didn't *GET* it. Apparently last night I was crystal clear. I thought I was saying the same things in the same way, but he got it last night.
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My husband decides I'm just processing, so he decides to just check out. If I ask him to repeat back what I said (like our counselor suggested), he says "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were just processing. What did you say?" UGH!

We had one of those "GET IT" moments about a month ago on something that has been going back and forth for 18 years. I totally understand that feeling of absolute relief.
 
I am with Ari on this one. In my experience with them, most men need direct, no-frills, succinct dialogue. Anything else and there is distraction. They go off task. Simply put, they are attention deficit. Of course, I kind of think in a more masculine way. I do not like wordy, flowery or just too much damn detail in an exchange, ESPECIALLY if someone needs something from me. Just tell me outright!

Glad things are working out for you with W. Best of luck. :)
 
I love my husband.

Yesterday we had an "issue." We mostly resolved it, but then I went and got drunk (not on purpose, that wine just had a major kick). Apparently I felt the need to "talk" while inebriated, which wasn't a good or nice thing. And in between breaths I fell asleep.

I was not nice to my husband last night, and don't remember most of it. I wish with all my heart I could take that back. He doesn't deserve how I treated him last night, and now there are stresses between us today. I wish I could take last night back. I wish I could get us back to the place we were when we walked into the house together, the place where we were on Tuesday night.

I am deeply sorry for how I treated him and how I messed things up. :(
 
marksbabygirl said:
Yesterday, we had an "issue" We mostly resolved it - but then I went and got drunk. (not on purpose - that wine just has a major kick). Apparently I felt the need to "talk" while inebriated. Which wasn't a good or nice thing. And in between breaths - fell asleep.

I was not nice to my husband last night, and don't remember most of it. I wish with all my heart I could take that back. He doesn't deserve how I treated him last night, and now there are stresses between us today. I wish I could take last night back. I wish I could get us back to the place we were when we walked into the house together, the place where we were on Tuesday night.

I am deeply sorry for how I treated him and how I messed things up.
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I'm sorry to hear that, MBG! *hugs*

Nothing can be resolved when drunk, even though it feels that way. I've had a couple of conversations like that with my partner, where he wanted to express what he was feeling. But when drunk, it's pretty much impossible for someone to disengage and see other perspectives. You are in the moment of the problem that is bothering you, right this second.

So we have an agreement now, the moment one of us knows what's coming, the listening person just says calmly that they would like to hear what the other person wants to say, but not now. Wait till morning. And then, you leave the room and go to bed, or if already in bed, just turn over and go to sleep, or pretend to be sleeping. Eventually things get calm. It's hard to argue when the other side isn't arguing back. In the morning we talk. and it's much much better.

Hugs,
Myzka
 
I must remember that for poly to work for me, Pengrah and I need regular conversations.

I am in a good place today. Things with hubby are easy, loving and kind again. No tears, no threatened tears, no stress. I told him that I wanted our weekend to be relaxed, and that if there were any heavy conversations to be had, could we please schedule them for Sunday? :p

I have realized over the past week, and more so in the last couple of days, that I am falling in love with his brother. I am sad that he had to go. I will miss him terribly. Last night I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand and snuggle up to him, and when he went to bed, I wanted to join him.

He's 8 hours away. Visits are not quick and easy, and I don't know how comfortable he is with poly, but I'm happy for any time I get with him. It's been a good visit. :)
 
I'm feeling sad today. I felt sad yesterday. Right now, I am feeling that lump in my throat that tells me that I need to cry, but I'm at work and the filing's all done, so I can't hide in the back. I am in the front dealing with people.

I have to get back to the gym. I am starting to feel my depression creep back.

I am okay, just very sad.
 
I had a conversation with Wellington last night.

I am teary and sad again. Depression has hit me hard. I must get to the gym and eat healthy. Hopefully I won't have to go back on meds.

I want so badly for things to just be okay, easy and smooth. I want to not hurt or get twisty when W. & Pengrah are together. I want to be okay!

For the first time, I don't feel pressured to move faster, go further, push past the boundaries. For the first time, I truly feel like it's okay to not be okay, for me to say I can't handle this, and they will be patient, and he will help me work through it.

I have so many painful things running around in my head, and they reverberate, causing more pain and less trust. These things that have been said to me, and it will only stop (as far as I can see) when I've been able to override those experiences with good, successful ones.

I feel, despite my not being completely okay and happy, that finally things are on a good track. I feel safe talking to W. And that is so awesome. The bruise may truly be healing.
 
I hate when what I want/need is diametrically opposed to what other people want/need. I hate having to always be the one to give in, make sacrifices, compromise. It sucks.

This time its not *poly* related, per se, it's fun-times related-- my wants/needs vs my family's wants/needs.

Hubby says to do what I need/want. We'll figure out everything else later. My sense of obligation says to do what's best for my family. UGH.
 
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marksbabygirl said:
Hubby says to do what I need/want. We'll figure out everything else later. My sense of obligation says to do what's best for my family. UGH.
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It sounds like your hubby is willing to shoulder the burden of the family on this. Let him be your hero. Let him be the family hero.

Okay, I know that the actual situation makes a difference, but how often have you sacrificed your needs for the needs of the family out of obligation, just because you didn't ask for an alternative?
 
marksbabygirl said:
I sent Derby an email, which she has my permission to share with you. But the short answer is yes, I don't get to stay the extra night.
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I read this and thought that you wanted me to post the email. I think maybe I need another cup of coffee! (Aren't you glad I read your post again before sharing the email with EVERYONE?) :p
 
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