Hi. I'm Brianna And Im 21 years old. I am married And I have 2 children. We are from Longview Tx And We are looking for a long term relationship with a woman. We do not want you to be our third wheel or for you to feel that way. We will invest in you as much as We invest in One another. We will get to know each other And hopefully eventually you will move in with us. We have an extra room But We would Really prefer for you to cuddle up with us every night. Message us if your interested or KiK us @Shian_Envi
want a girlfriend
- Thread starter ShianEnvi
- Start date
Hello, welcome to the forum.
As you have probably gathered, there is a stigma revolving around married couples seeking a shared partner in many poly circles. I see that you have thought about the "third wheel" syndrom, but I wonder if you have considered two other common scenarios which frequently cause this arrangement to implode.
1) Prospective new match is only romantically/sexually attracted to one of you.
2) Prospective new match is initially compatible with both of you, but the relationship with one either:
a) is significantly less "involved" than the other
b) fizzles out
What will this mean for the relationship with the other spouse? Can it be a V shaped arrangement rather than a triangle shape?
As you have probably gathered, there is a stigma revolving around married couples seeking a shared partner in many poly circles. I see that you have thought about the "third wheel" syndrom, but I wonder if you have considered two other common scenarios which frequently cause this arrangement to implode.
1) Prospective new match is only romantically/sexually attracted to one of you.
2) Prospective new match is initially compatible with both of you, but the relationship with one either:
a) is significantly less "involved" than the other
b) fizzles out
What will this mean for the relationship with the other spouse? Can it be a V shaped arrangement rather than a triangle shape?
No absolutely not. It has to be a triangle. I am bisexual. And We come Looking for what We are looking very bluntly. A bisexual woman willing to be in a triangle relationship. We both have discussed what We are looking for And what We want. Anyone who gets involved with us must know We will never do anything on our own. Our point in this is to enjoy each other all three of us. Together.
PinkPig
Well-known member
If you "will never do anything on your own", does this mean that you can not have sex with your girlfriend without your husband? And, that he cannot have sex with your girlfriend without you? If the answer is yes AND you're going to "enjoy each other all three of us. Together" and "invest in" her as much as you "invest in each other", then I'm assuming you'll also never have sex with your husband without your girlfriend?
(FWIW, I was in a functional triad that was beautiful while it lasted; however, we invested in each couple (Me+Him, Me+Her, Him+Her) and had no rules about who could do what with whom and when.)
From a long history of being involved in polyamory and having polyamorous friends, I'll say that what you are seeking is incredibly rare. Obtaining a woman who is sexually interested in both of you for one night can often be challenge, let alone over the long-term. Even when you do meet someone who is interested in you both, that interest often varies: again, from my experience and that of others I have spoken with, it is often like a "friend-with-benefits" with one spouse and a fully involved romantic partner with the other. This can lead to problems between the married couple because one partner feels left out. Particularly, I have to say, when it is the husband and girlfriend, or the wife and the boyfriend who have the "full" bond.
Then, on top of that, many bisexual women don't want to restrict their sex lives purely to threesomes. I may have misinterpreted what you meant by "We will never do anything alone", but one on one sex is something that many, if not most people need in their lives. I am bisexual and there is no way I would give up one on one sex, but I have been in triads, even closed triads. But because I was allowed to interact with my partners as individuals, it worked for me, and many bisexual, poly people I speak to feel the same. Of course, this may be less of a problem if you are okay with the prospective new match to seek partners outside of the triad you seek.
Would you be willing to also sacrifice sex with your husband one on one? Or would this be an expectation that only the new person would have to meet?
It often helps to ask yourself as a bisexual, poly(?) person whether you would accept what you are offering the potential new match. I suggest you list down the expectations, criteria and rules that this person will have to adhere to, and ask yourself honestly if you could create a healthy, fulfilling relationship with another couple under those conditions.
Hmm.. These are all very Good points.. I guess I hadn't Really thought into It all as much as I thought I had.. Now I'm not sure what to do. I want a girlfriend But I don't want my husband doing anything alone with her.. I'm worried It would ruin our marriage. I know that a poly relationship is something I really want.. But How do I get over the worry of him being with another woman alone..
There are plenty of threads on here about jealousy, rules, and those kind of topics.
You mention specifically that you don't want your husband doing anything alone with her, yet you didn't mention that you doing something alone with her would present the same problems. Why would it be riskier for him to be "stolen" by another woman rather than you? As a bisexual person myself, I am as likely to "fall" for a woman than I am a man, so both would present the same "risk" theoretically. Why can you trust yourself not to leave your husband, but you cannot trust him not to leave you? Perhaps answering these questions will help you decide what is best for you to pursue.
PinkPig
Well-known member
Well, you could look for more of a V type relationship...where she's your girlfriend, not his (assuming he's fine with it open on your end, closed on his.) However, if he wants a poly relationship, too, then you start working on yourself. This is a good place to start. Working through your jealousy and insecurity can be tough work, but it's so worth it.
Welcome
...
My husband has cheated. It was just sex sex sex But sex led to a pregnancy. Although She lost the baby It Still ruined me.. I can't say I'm completely saint in this marriage But what matters Now is We have both fought through It And are happily married.. I just think of all the risks And what ifs.. What if She is better than me.. Or why would he want to be alone with another woman.. Am I NOT enough.. And me being alone with a woman is different. She doesn't have a PENIS And there arnt risks And She can give me what he can't.. Him as a man is enough But I need the emotion attachment of a woman.. I want him to be involved But never alone
My husband has cheated. It was just sex sex sex But sex led to a pregnancy. Although She lost the baby It Still ruined me.. I can't say I'm completely saint in this marriage But what matters Now is We have both fought through It And are happily married.. I just think of all the risks And what ifs.. What if She is better than me.. Or why would he want to be alone with another woman.. Am I NOT enough.. And me being alone with a woman is different. She doesn't have a PENIS And there arnt risks And She can give me what he can't.. Him as a man is enough But I need the emotion attachment of a woman.. I want him to be involved But never alone
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
The unicorn issues aside, Shian, I don't think that many people at 21 have the experience, confidence and breadth of perspective to pull off what you are fantasizing about. Plus, your family is engaged with two very young children. The realities of this situation are very different than the dream you are proposing. It takes a LOT of confidence and self reflection to have successful ongoing polyamorous relationships, especially if they're exclusive and beyond couple configurations. You might consider reaching out to people who have experienced what you're proposing and researching this more. Give yourself, your children and your dreams more time to mature.
Honestly, this sort of cheating foundation never works in polyamory. Yeah, I'll say it, it NEVER works. Even when people think it's worked, it just hasn't imploded YET. Whilst you are still doubtful or mistrusting because of what he did before, it really is not worth exploring. Even swinging will be an issue.
the only slight hope I would give you is if he could accept that his actions have left you unable to trust him to sexually/romantically interact with other people and permit you, who hasn't cheated, to explore with other women. Still, in my experience, the cheater just becomes resentful and goes back to their cheating ways.
As a bisexual female-bodied individual, I would find it offensive if you thought the sex between us was less threatening to your marriage simply because it doesn't involve a (real) penis. That view will also narrow your dating pool.
Well then... This is not turning the way I'd hoped. I guess I have a lot to think about. Maybe for now till We have learned more about this And are able to reassure myself that a poly relationship is actually what I want And I don't have to worry about losing my husband then maybe We will begin the search again.. Or maybe it's just a fantasy I will never have.. I don't want threesomes anymore. I love them dont get me wrong But I need more. I need love not Just sex.
I'd like to see you step out of a mindset focused on what will prevent me from losing my husband (motivations based on fear) and into one with a healthier goal. Losing him doesn't sound like much of a loss. Maybe he's the one with more reason to worry whether you or he realizes it. He has already lost your trust as it is.
Try to focus more on what would make you happy whether he was in the picture or not. Figure out what kind of relationship with a woman (or anyone) would be YOUR most ideal. Work towards that. If he can be that or a part of that, great! If not, please know that losing him doesn't prevent you from finding it. You say you want a girlfriend but insisting it be an out of the box triad kit it, sounds more like juat adding another components of fear to the relationship you already have.
Try to focus more on what would make you happy whether he was in the picture or not. Figure out what kind of relationship with a woman (or anyone) would be YOUR most ideal. Work towards that. If he can be that or a part of that, great! If not, please know that losing him doesn't prevent you from finding it. You say you want a girlfriend but insisting it be an out of the box triad kit it, sounds more like juat adding another components of fear to the relationship you already have.
Inyourendo
New member
Good luck with that
Inyourendo
New member
This is a joke right? You seriously expect a woman to get involved with you and your cheating husband and she supposed to have sex with you and him but she's never allowed to be alone with him ? why the hell would you even bother having a girlfriend then why not have your own girlfriend?
This means that you and your husband wont have sex alone without her correct since you're all equal in everything right?
ShianEnvi said:
I think putting the brakes on it for now is wise.
You might want to look at these worksheets first.
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
Then branch out into reading some more:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory-basics.html
Have more conversations and think things out more before actively searching.
GL!
Galagirl
As a bisexual woman, I have to tell you, what you're asking is an insult to the intense, wonderful, loving connection two women can have with each other.
Insisting that if I want you, I HAVE to sleep with your man (but only in threesomes,) and I should surrender my autonomy and move in with you and your husband and your children. I must have sex and romance even-steven with both of you on YOUR terms to help you and your husband deal with all your jealousy/cheating issues. No way I or any bisexual woman I know would ever step into that.
If you want a girlfriend, get a girlfriend, but don't expect her to sleep with your husband too. Honestly, most experienced poly/bi women come with a man or two of their own, and she may or may not want yours once in a while. AND (here's where you're going to freak) if you get to have a girlfriend, your husband should be allowed to date outside the marriage, too. And I agree wholeheartedly with M. Max that it's insulting that you think because a woman doesn't have a penis, your relationship to her is less threatening to your marriage than if she were a man.
You seem to think that a woman involved with both of you wouldn't be a threat to the marriage. Why? Do you think you'd grow less attached to her because you only had threesomes? And are YOU still allowed to fuck your husband alone?
You have a lot of growing up to do before even thinking about having a girlfriend, Girlfriend.
Insisting that if I want you, I HAVE to sleep with your man (but only in threesomes,) and I should surrender my autonomy and move in with you and your husband and your children. I must have sex and romance even-steven with both of you on YOUR terms to help you and your husband deal with all your jealousy/cheating issues. No way I or any bisexual woman I know would ever step into that.
If you want a girlfriend, get a girlfriend, but don't expect her to sleep with your husband too. Honestly, most experienced poly/bi women come with a man or two of their own, and she may or may not want yours once in a while. AND (here's where you're going to freak) if you get to have a girlfriend, your husband should be allowed to date outside the marriage, too. And I agree wholeheartedly with M. Max that it's insulting that you think because a woman doesn't have a penis, your relationship to her is less threatening to your marriage than if she were a man.
You seem to think that a woman involved with both of you wouldn't be a threat to the marriage. Why? Do you think you'd grow less attached to her because you only had threesomes? And are YOU still allowed to fuck your husband alone?
You have a lot of growing up to do before even thinking about having a girlfriend, Girlfriend.
Hi Brianna,
It seems that you have a bit of a puzzle on your hands. On one hand, if you want a triangle/triad where you always only have threesome sex with each other, then, that's simple enough, you go for that, and hold out for a woman who'd be willing to do that. But, that means you and your husband must stop having twosome sex with each other. Does that make sense?
On the other hand, you could do a triangle/triad where twosome sex is allowed, but, then that means your husband can have twosome sex with the other woman without you around. And I know you're not sure you can trust your husband with that kind of liberty.
On the third hand, you could look for a girlfriend for you only, someone with whom your husband wouldn't have any romantic tie. And maybe, because your husband did cheat, he'd be willing to not look for any new girlfriends for himself. So, then you'd have a V. You'd be the hinge; the husband and your girlfriend would be the legs of the V. That kind of thing actually can happen, but you'd need the agreement of both legs.
These are a couple of possible outcomes you could shoot for. But it also depends on what would gel with your ideals. Also you have to consider that the two (very young I'm sure) kids that you have complicate the deal and affect what you have to offer.
I think my advice is to take some time to think about what you'll really want, what kind of configuration ... as well as whether you can trust your husband or try to start to trust him more than you would have in the past. Also take into account what the odds are of finding someone who will want the same things that you want, and how long it will probably take to find such a person.
I know, instead of offering solutions I am just describing the problems. Still, perhaps it's a place to start.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It seems that you have a bit of a puzzle on your hands. On one hand, if you want a triangle/triad where you always only have threesome sex with each other, then, that's simple enough, you go for that, and hold out for a woman who'd be willing to do that. But, that means you and your husband must stop having twosome sex with each other. Does that make sense?
On the other hand, you could do a triangle/triad where twosome sex is allowed, but, then that means your husband can have twosome sex with the other woman without you around. And I know you're not sure you can trust your husband with that kind of liberty.
On the third hand, you could look for a girlfriend for you only, someone with whom your husband wouldn't have any romantic tie. And maybe, because your husband did cheat, he'd be willing to not look for any new girlfriends for himself. So, then you'd have a V. You'd be the hinge; the husband and your girlfriend would be the legs of the V. That kind of thing actually can happen, but you'd need the agreement of both legs.
These are a couple of possible outcomes you could shoot for. But it also depends on what would gel with your ideals. Also you have to consider that the two (very young I'm sure) kids that you have complicate the deal and affect what you have to offer.
I think my advice is to take some time to think about what you'll really want, what kind of configuration ... as well as whether you can trust your husband or try to start to trust him more than you would have in the past. Also take into account what the odds are of finding someone who will want the same things that you want, and how long it will probably take to find such a person.
I know, instead of offering solutions I am just describing the problems. Still, perhaps it's a place to start.
Regards,
Kevin T.