MelloHippie
New member
Ok I don’t want to put the whole back story here I believe it is on my first post “can I be the platonic partner?” If you want to read more of the back story. I’ll try to sum up the important stuff.
I’m married and we started dating a close mutual friend back in july. Husband and I hadn’t discussed anything prior, no boundaries, wants/needs, expectations, nothing. We know that was not the way to do things but things happened and we’re in it now. When we started dating there were no discussions between the 3 of us. It was just ok we’re dating now. I took a step back after a few weeks because I wasn’t sure of my romantic feelings. Again that’s covered more in my first post. I decided to try and be involved again but it’s still been very hard for me. I don’t particularly feel romatic feelings for our partner but I care a lot about them and help them with their life emotional mental health alot.
We started on an expert level of poly and I have been struggling so hard with things and trying to rewire myself to be ok with poly and understand the desire and need to be in it but I truly don’t know if I can or want to be poly. I don’t need to love/date someone else. I feel fulfilled in my marriage as is. Sex with a woman would be nice sometimes but I’m also kinda on the ace spectrum so again it’s not really a need.
It’s hard knowing my husband wants to love other people as deeply as he loves me and desires deep connections with others. I know he’s allowed to have that please don’t shame me for feeling that way it’s just hard to understand because I don’t want or need it. It doesn’t make me feel like what we have is important. I kinda covered that in my last post. He’s agreed to keep things casual and not progress past that. It even that feels hard sometimes. You can’t always control if things go deeper or not.
I really want to take a few steps back. It’s really hard seeing my my best friend and husband be in a relationship sometimes. I don’t know what steps back would look like for me. Knowing and feeling what I do know I wish we would of started this journey dating seperately or as parallel poly. Or as mono/parallel poly where Im mono and don’t have to see the poly side much. But it’s with one of our only and close friends. We literally have 3 friends and the one is our partner and another one is dancing around being involved too.
Even if im not involved in the triad it’s always gonna to be in front of me when we hang out. And even if they don’t do relationship interactions when we hang it’s always going to be on my mind. “They’re dating this isn’t just friends hanging out anymore.” We don’t have money for them to go out often, and our partner does not have a private place at their home. They live with their family, the house is completely packed every room has someone living in it. Including living room and dining room which is her room.
I can leave the triad but I can’t change their relationship and even if we discussed things and they agreed to de-escalate their relationship I’d feel like the bad guy. Our partner has BPD, depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations. I feel like I can’t talk to them for fear of it really causing them mental/emotional pain. They’re working on themselves though as best they can. My husband is doing as much as he can to accommodate me in this and help me feel comfortable and secure. We talk alot and He listens and does good at reassuring me and letting me know how important I am to him. But we bit off way more than I can chew and idk what to do, I wish more than anything we did things differently, I was not at all prepared and 5 months in I feel I am still so stuck and confused. I don’t think I want poly for me. Not at this time in my life. It’s alot harder than I thought and I can barely keep myself afloat with my own mental health most times. Is there anything I can do?
Edit to add: I’m doing my best to branch out more on my own and maybe atleast get some friends that aren’t mutuals with my partners so I can get out of the house when I don’t want to be around things. I’m anxious and introverted. It takes a lot for me to find people and even more to connect. I am trying though. Im trying my best through this whole thing.
I’m married and we started dating a close mutual friend back in july. Husband and I hadn’t discussed anything prior, no boundaries, wants/needs, expectations, nothing. We know that was not the way to do things but things happened and we’re in it now. When we started dating there were no discussions between the 3 of us. It was just ok we’re dating now. I took a step back after a few weeks because I wasn’t sure of my romantic feelings. Again that’s covered more in my first post. I decided to try and be involved again but it’s still been very hard for me. I don’t particularly feel romatic feelings for our partner but I care a lot about them and help them with their life emotional mental health alot.
We started on an expert level of poly and I have been struggling so hard with things and trying to rewire myself to be ok with poly and understand the desire and need to be in it but I truly don’t know if I can or want to be poly. I don’t need to love/date someone else. I feel fulfilled in my marriage as is. Sex with a woman would be nice sometimes but I’m also kinda on the ace spectrum so again it’s not really a need.
It’s hard knowing my husband wants to love other people as deeply as he loves me and desires deep connections with others. I know he’s allowed to have that please don’t shame me for feeling that way it’s just hard to understand because I don’t want or need it. It doesn’t make me feel like what we have is important. I kinda covered that in my last post. He’s agreed to keep things casual and not progress past that. It even that feels hard sometimes. You can’t always control if things go deeper or not.
I really want to take a few steps back. It’s really hard seeing my my best friend and husband be in a relationship sometimes. I don’t know what steps back would look like for me. Knowing and feeling what I do know I wish we would of started this journey dating seperately or as parallel poly. Or as mono/parallel poly where Im mono and don’t have to see the poly side much. But it’s with one of our only and close friends. We literally have 3 friends and the one is our partner and another one is dancing around being involved too.
Even if im not involved in the triad it’s always gonna to be in front of me when we hang out. And even if they don’t do relationship interactions when we hang it’s always going to be on my mind. “They’re dating this isn’t just friends hanging out anymore.” We don’t have money for them to go out often, and our partner does not have a private place at their home. They live with their family, the house is completely packed every room has someone living in it. Including living room and dining room which is her room.
I can leave the triad but I can’t change their relationship and even if we discussed things and they agreed to de-escalate their relationship I’d feel like the bad guy. Our partner has BPD, depression, anxiety and suicidal ideations. I feel like I can’t talk to them for fear of it really causing them mental/emotional pain. They’re working on themselves though as best they can. My husband is doing as much as he can to accommodate me in this and help me feel comfortable and secure. We talk alot and He listens and does good at reassuring me and letting me know how important I am to him. But we bit off way more than I can chew and idk what to do, I wish more than anything we did things differently, I was not at all prepared and 5 months in I feel I am still so stuck and confused. I don’t think I want poly for me. Not at this time in my life. It’s alot harder than I thought and I can barely keep myself afloat with my own mental health most times. Is there anything I can do?
Edit to add: I’m doing my best to branch out more on my own and maybe atleast get some friends that aren’t mutuals with my partners so I can get out of the house when I don’t want to be around things. I’m anxious and introverted. It takes a lot for me to find people and even more to connect. I am trying though. Im trying my best through this whole thing.
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