Was I in the wrong?

S

stevek1987

New member
Hi all, I'm posting to get an opinion, as I was in a relationship with a poly girl a couple years back that ended terribly, and I always wondered if it was my fault for not being open-minded enough. When it started it was all good, though she didn't want me becoming part of the lifestyle and I was to only be with her, which I was fine with. She asked if I had any rules I'd like to have, as I was her primary partner, to which I said only two, 1 not to pursue my close friends and 2 to ensure she was being safe with others (condoms being used and such), which all seemed fine.

Then we got a few months in, and I'm getting messages from my friends saying she's coming onto them, which I wasn't pleased with, and she tended towards other guys who were very vocal about replacing me and said that she spent too much time with me.

The final straw for me was when she stopped any form of effort with me, like nice clothing or underwear (I get people get comfortable), not usually an issue, till the day we went back to hers after a day out, for me to find used sexy underwear on the bed and her expecting me to sleep in a damp spot from her previous day's conquest. I shortly after finished things and said it wasn't for me. So yeah, I've always wondered if I was in the wrong.
 
Na, you’re good. Just try to leave it in the past.
 
If you're posting this to check if this is "normal behavior" in poly, or seen as expected and acceptable, no, it isn't. It's rude to expect one partner to sleep on another partner's damp spot on the bed. Ew.

It's also rude/tacky to be hitting on all your friends.
 
When it started it was all good, though she didn't want me becoming part of the lifestyle and I was to only be with her, which I was fine with.
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No, don't be ok with that. It could be open on both sides. Then, if you don't date on your side, it's because YOU choose not to, and not because you don't even get the option. Double standards suck.
She asked if I had any rules, as I was her primary partner. I said only two, 1) not to pursue my close friends and 2) to ensure she was being safe with others (condoms).
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She could also use condoms with you, and you both do regular enough testing, as well as other partners in the shared agreements for safer sex practices.
Then we got a few months in, and I'm getting messages from my friends saying she's coming onto them, which I wasn't pleased with, and she tended towards other guys who were very vocal about replacing me and said that she spent too much time with me.
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So she agreed not to date your friends, then she cheated on that agreement and pursued your friends? Not cool. To me, that's a dealbreaker.

She put up with other potentials or partners devaluing you like that? Also a dealbreaker. She can't control if a potential or partner says dumb stuff. But if she doesn't nip that in the bud and tolerates it, lets her dating partners bad-mouth you, doesn't stand up for you/your relationship, and then TELLS you about it later, repeating what they said to her? Meh.
The final straw for me was when she stopped any form of effort with me, like nice clothing or underwear, not usually an issue, till the day we went back to hers after a day out, for me to find used sexy underwear on the bed and her expecting me to sleep in a damp spot from her previous day's conquest.
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Ew. That's just lack of hygiene. Also a dealbreaker.
I shortly after finished things and said it wasn't for me. So yeah, I've always wondered if I was in the wrong.
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No, you were not in the wrong. All you need for breaking up with someone is to think and say, "I don't want to do this any more."

Here you had double standards, cheating on agreements, and wanting you to sleep on other people's sex fluids. That's plenty of reasons. Just because one is polyamorous doesn't mean all good sense, good manners, and basic hygiene fly out the window. It is not "different" in poly. Basic relationship skills still apply. She sounded messy.

Galagirl
 
The rule that you can't date others, and you being "primary" in a new relationship-- she used that label to make you feel special so she could impose her rules. Very manipulative. A primary partnership is earned over time... like marriage. It isn't handed out to brand-new partners.
 
Bobbi said:
The rule that you can't date others, and you being "primary" in a new relationship-- she used that label to make you feel special so she could impose her rules. Very manipulative. A primary partnership is earned over time... like marriage. It isn't handed out to brand-new partners.
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We had known each other for years and always been in other situations, but had feelings.
 
Opinions from online strangers, based on just a few paragraphs of a one-sided story, are likely to be speculative.

Would you clarify what you're hoping to gain by posting here?

  • Are you just looking to vent to people who understand?
  • Are you struggling to get over your ex and blaming yourself for the breakup?
  • Are you interested in pursuing polyamory in the future and would like to learn how to create a healthier relationship next time?
 
Hello stevek1987,

You were not in the wrong, it is your right to choose what you consent to, and what your conditions are for consenting. Someone else might be okay with your ex's actions, but you are not someone else, you are you, and that is quite okay. Don't beat yourself up for her lack of love and respect.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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