There are a couple of things I haven't seen anyone mention here yet:
You say you were at a party when this happened. Is it possible that
- This girl might have been drunk or under the influence of some substance when the making out occurred? Then later when she sobered up, regretted her actions and tried to flip things around for that reason, claiming she hadn't meant anything by it and you'd taken her all wrong.
Thank you for the input lunabunny!
Nope that is not possible, because she stayed five days in our house. It was in the last three we bounded more (the party was in the second), plus she didn't want to drink any alcoholic beverages while she stayed here, neither do we do any drugs.
On the fourth day my sister wasn't home and I spent most of the day with her in my room.
To add to that, she didn't seem at all negative when she left. She hugged me a lot before leaving, and, we stared at each other eyes for a good while , when she was going away by cab.
Then she sent me a message saying she had a great time and she still missed me, hoping she had stayed longer and we could meet soon.
That's one of the things that made me feel more was going on really, five days with a person is more then enough I reckon, unless there is something going on underneath. I usually think for me one to three days is more then acceptable and if someone stays too long I start craving my privacy.
That's not something that happened while she was here, and is one of the tell signs for me to know I am starting to develop other kind of feelings.
- She might have been trying to "tempt" you into something in order to assert some imagined "claim" on you as her old friend/emotional support person; to feel sexy and powerful in the moment; or to see if she could get "one up" on your girlfriend.
You say she didn't realise until afterwards that you are poly. So when she understood that your girlfriend was okay with you being with someone else, whatever game she was playing lost its appeal and she had a change of heart. (She may not even consciously realise what she was doing, or why.)
i.e. Shame is a powerful emotion and can cause people to enter into a state of denial.
That's actually one of my GF first reactions. She might be ashamed and didn't want to acknowledge things.
It might even be subconcious and I thought about it too, but there is no way to know unless she opens up.
*************
here is also this: You hadn't seen this girl for almost three years... and a lot of life experiences can happen, and people's emotional and mental make-up can change dramatically between the ages of 17 and almost 20.
I'm not going to attempt to diagnose anyone over the internet, but as you no longer really "know" this girl in the way you did, you also don't know if perhaps she might be suffering from some kind of personality disorder or mental issue that didn't exist or wasn't apparent when you knew her before.
I know she suffers from several issues, that's for sure. Her lack of maternal love and father absence create for sure a problem in the area of emotional development. She herself admitted back then she used to dress/act certain ways, etc to draw atention.
However seems now is her looks that she is using, as she told me of certain risky sex behaviour she was part in.
I think she still suffers from that, even if she tried to play the "I am now a more mature person" game with me.
I am not sure if bipolar would be it though, I know she had a depression last year around the start of her college which in turn made her break up with her obsessive boyfriend.
I dated someone I believe was BDP and I am not sure if it would meet that description. But I guess there are different levels to it. My ex idolized me at first and by the end of the relationship I was treated very poorly like I didn't matter. I don't think she ever did that.
I talked with her about a certain message I sent in her birthday last year which she never replied. She told me she never got it, and she seemed genuinely surprised. It seems her then bf was jealous of me because she used to talk about me a lot and he had deleted messages from her.
After that she thought I didn't care too. Can't say for certain if that was what happened, but me and my GF already had a feeling he was too controlling, so it isn't far fetched.
Immediately after leaving high school, I too went through a phase of getting drunk/stoned at parties and clubs and allowing men to "paw" me and make out with me, for no other reason than I wanted to experience everything and to feel like I had some kind of sexual power/allure over men. I would always stop them if things threatened to lead to actual sex. Highly immature of me, I realise. Not to mention potentially dangerous. To this day, I'm not quite sure what my mindset was, or if I was just a prick-tease or the victim - maybe both?
However, feeling like a sexual being was something I felt I'd missed out on/had to catch up on, due to being raised in a conservative environment which included 12 years of Catholic schooling, during which I'd never had an actual boyfriend. I was/am also on the autistic spectrum, though I didn't know that until many years later, so even though I was intellectually mature/intelligent, I was still quite emotionally volatile and unsure of myself and my boundaries.
Yes it is a classic pattern to be honest. I have heard many stories of that kind, where girls end up in risky behaviour cause they can and want to feel freedom. Yet, all they get is excess. It is likely a phase, but still, I need to protect myself I guess.
Is not like it will pass in few weeks or so, it could go on for a few more years.
) Especially if they are not "traditionally beautiful" and doubt themselves. Overly aggressive sexual advances, trying to stir up trouble in relationships, getting a rise/response from men, seeking drama - these activities feed the ego and make them feel "powerful" and "sexy". No, it isn't right and wouldn't be tolerated if a man were to behave the same way...I am sorry that you fell victim to this sort of "sexual predator", but glad that you didn't aggressively pursue the opportunity, hopefully if this ever happens again your "Spidey-sense" will recognize the pattern.