Weird metamour situation

ksandra

ksandra

New member
Awhile ago I posted about my partner coming back from a date covered in marks, which we had mutually agreed on as a boundary. We've resolved that issue in the sense that everyone has had a conversation, apologies were made, and it's hopefully an honest mistake.

However, pretty much from the day this happened onward, my lover, who is also this woman's husband, has been increasingly distant and non communicative with me. We've had bad luck with scheduling dates, partially because he takes over a day to get back to me now if that and we live a two and a half drive away so it's not like we can just pop over to each other's house and when it takes a week to arrange a date that may or may not happen depending on when he replies, I don't really feel comfortable leaving my entire weekend free just in case. I've spoken to him about how frustrating this is and he's apologized and said he was "just going through some stuff", but the last time I tried to arrange some time with him he basically said his life was busy and he doesn't think he'll be able to see me in the near future, but he would let me know. This feels like a complete brush off, which considering I've been involved with this man when time and space allow for seven years is super hurtful. I feel like something happened, but he won't talk about it so there isn't a lot I can do and as much I don't think I should rationally feel this way I feel like my partner getting together with my metamour has messed so many things up. I don't feel any joy at the idea of them getting together again and I'm actively dreading her birthday party this weekend. I honestly wouldn't go except it's a lot of my social circle from college going and we don't get to see each other very often.

Tl;dr how do I get over feeling brushed off and hurt and feeling like it's because of my partner's new relationship (even when it isn't entirely) so that I can go back to being happy for them even though I'm pretty sure it's played a part in a very long term relationship ending for me?
 
ksandra said:
Tl;dr how do I get over feeling brushed off and hurt and feeling like it's because of my partner's new relationship (even when it isn't entirely) so that I can go back to being happy for them even though I'm pretty sure it's played a part in a very long term relationship ending for me?
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How about sticking to the idea that his decisions are not her fault?

You don't know what happened, if he became jealous of your husband and is thus avoiding you, if he's really that busy and didn't actually mean to reject you, or whatever. You could perhaps call him and ask directly. But even if this has anything to do with your meta and husband starting a relationship... his reaction is not her fault, you know?
 
Maybe your long distance lover found another lover closer to his home, and is afraid to tell you. Perhaps it has nothing to do with your primary starting to date his primary. I don't know why that would be.

Or maybe his feelings for you have just cooled, and he isn't willing to actually tell you that, because he is chicken. cluck cluck cluck
 
My vote is he is just not that into you
 
I hear you

I totally feel for you. I am going through something similar.

Unfortunately for some of us, our minds tend to fill in the blanks when we don't quite know what's going on. And, I have the bad habit of filling in the worst case scenarios rather than the best (or even neutral!) case scenarios.

Here's my coping mechanism. Focus on the things you can do something about rather than speculating, ruminating and worrying (argh, easier said than done, I know).

You've got a good start. You said that you don't leave the weekend open "just in case." That's good.

If he's not available, find other things to do. You don't have to close him out completely but if he's not available (for whatever reason), get on with your life. If it continues, then you can decide what you want to do moving forward.

Steer your own boat through a storm rather than let the storm buffet you about. Making your own decisions is very empowering.
 
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Hi ksandra,

I suspect that your lover is ghosting on you; that is, he is wiggling out of the relationship with you instead of admitting to you that he wants to end it. It doesn't sound like he wants to give you an explanation for his behavior, he just says he is "going through some stuff," which could mean anything (or nothing). What is this "stuff" that he speaks of? Doesn't sound like he wants to communicate much with you. :(

Let's hope I'm wrong and that you'll be pleasantly surprised. In the meantime, my advice is to go forward with your life without making plans for him. Don't be the one who tries to contact him; let him be the one who contacts you, if that's what he wants to do. If you feel like it, you could even tell him that you're breaking up with him. Your call on that one.

Sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am sorry.

FWIW? Here's my opinion.

I honestly wouldn't go except it's a lot of my social circle from college going and we don't get to see each other very often.
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If you honestly don't want to attend the bday, don't go. Make your own times to see your old friends.

Could call them up and see if that want to meet up for drinks or something. Make your OWN efforts to connect with these people.

After all, don't you want that from your partner? Some effort to connect? Could make your own walk match your talk.

I've spoken to him about how frustrating this is and he's apologized and said he was "just going through some stuff", but the last time I tried to arrange some time with him he basically said his life was busy and he doesn't think he'll be able to see me in the near future, but he would let me know.
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If you don't like being left hanging? You could tell him "Let me know by WHEN? I don't like being in limbo. I would like to know where we stand. I've tried ___ times already to connect and I get no responsiveness from you.

Are you still into this or are you ghosting on me rather than breaking up forthrightly? I prefer an up front break up if that's where we are at."

Then you can move on in your own life. Don't keep yourself and your weekends available for someone who isn't responsive and is blowing you off a lot of the time.

I get than deep things can happen in a life -- death of a relative and needing time to mourn for instance. Or a big work project. Or being sick. But being all vague? Not helpful. One could at least explain and give a reasonable time frame to check in. Not just leave it in the air.

Galagirl
 
sdguitarguy said:
Steer your own boat through a storm rather than let the storm buffet you about.
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This is the key to happiness.

It's possible to feel the emotions of a storm without letting them take you under water, which it sounds like they are right now, ksandra. Practices like meditation, yoga, running, musical instruments, hiking, even just walking though your neighborhood, all serve to connect you to the wider Well Being, however you choose to conceive of it, and keep you oriented on your horizon. Steering your own boat means that you know what is right for you and you know who is right for you, no matter what anyone else says. Steering your own boat means that you give yourself the privacy and dignity to feel whatever emotions you are feeling, not pushing them away or struggling with what they mean, allowing them to serve their purpose and then pass. Steering your own boat means that you base your life on a clear minded, positive self image. You know that even when you're in the choppy waters of negative emotion, you still feel good about yourself and you know where you're headed.
 
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I agree that he's trying to ghost on you, I would simply tell him that you are ending things because he is not willing to meet your needs and move on. I would not stay with someone who didn't want to be with me
 
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