What are your requirements of new partners?

[vinsanity0]

I would have a hard time dealing with someone who didn't want any PDA and felt they had to treat me as a "friend". Elle was kind of like that about where she worked because she is a private person. The funny thing is everyone knew we were dating anyway. It wasn't too hard to figure out. Sprite is solo so that is never a problem. I've never dated an actual married person.

 

[Magdlyn]

In an OSO man, I want someone who is attractive, intelligent, artsy and/or sciencey, lover of nature, literate, kind, at least a little kinky, has a high sex drive, is reasonably self aware and actualised, respectful of himself and others, good sense of humor, progressive, not a born again Christian, and has a decent job and a car.

I look for red flags for narcissistic sociopaths who can fake these qualities. I would date someone with a mental illness such as depression/anxiety/OCD if it was managed with meds and therapy. I hope to never date a narc again.

I don't mind if a guy has kids, but if kids and a high powered career take up 90% of his time, he won't be able to provide me with much time, and so I'd avoid that.

Anyone who has these qualities, whether he be single or coupled, mono or poly, old or young, with kids or not, will automatically be a good candidate for me to date. Safer sex, "outness," and metamour issues would be taken care of.

 

[Bluebird]

One thing I'm a bit surprised by is the lack of comfort relating with others who are "in the closet", so to speak, about their poly. I'm taking this to mean that most of you are only open to poly relationships with people who are public about the fact that they are non-monogamous? Or, when you say "in the closet", are you just referring to people who don't tell their partners about their extra-curricular activity?

I am referring to being open in public. I am not a good liar, and I would feel shitty if I had to pretend to be someone's friend instead of their lover. Sure, we don't have to have massive amounts of PDA, but not being able to hold hands or kiss each other when the mood strikes - that's a big nope from me. One of the reasons I came out to my social circle as polyamorous was because I didn't want my partners feeling like they had to fake being just a friend. They are just as important to me and my heart. Telling a lie to the world is not how I want to spend my life.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am referring to being open in public. I am not a good liar, and I would feel shitty if I had to pretend to be someone's friend instead of their lover. Sure, we don't have to have massive amounts of PDA, but not being able to hold hands or kiss each other when the mood strikes - that's a big nope from me. One of the reasons I came out to my social circle as polyamorous was because I didn't want my partners feeling like they had to fake being just a friend. They are just as important to me and my heart. Telling a lie to the world is not how I want to spend my life.

I feel the​ same way.

 

[anamikanon]

One thing I'm a bit surprised by is the lack of comfort relating with others who are "in the closet", so to speak, about their poly. I'm taking this to mean that most of you are only open to poly relationships with people who are public about the fact that they are non-monogamous?

I imagine it would be hard to remember to keep a secret as big as sharing your life with someone. Personally, I wouldn't have a huge issue with PDAs and such, given that I am rarely in public to begin with and am reserved enough to not get into PDAs for the most part. I don't rule them out (whim, mood) but they aren't a big enough thing to be a dealbreaker. A bigger issue for me would be "how secret is secret?" Keeping it from the other person's acquaintances would be easy given that if the relationship was secret, I wouldn't be too close to them. Keeping from my family/society is unlikely to happen - I can't imagine being in a relationship where my partner doesn't come home (I'm ALWAYS home). So I wouldn't care if they visit me in secret, but damned if I'm going to help them jump over the compound wall to avoid signing the visitor log for our complex and or help them sneak in and out. People around would see. Family at home would definitely know. Their family and colleagues wouldn't, but this is obviously not "leak proof" - anyone who needs super spy infiltration abilities would not suit me.

Edit: and oh. I'm a godawful liar. If someone is basing their secrecy on me visiting them in a hidden manner... they basically would be begging to be outed. I can't imagine myself being able to sustain it. Maybe the first time would be a geeky challenge.

Or, when you say "in the closet", are you just referring to people who don't tell their partners about their extra-curricular activity?

Not telling partner about other relationships is cheating (unless DADT). Not poly.

 

[Spork]

Well, I am only open to the idea of a secondary thing with another woman at this time. She need not have any sexual contact with Zen, nor even need to be comfortable with him watching (I refuse to make unicorn hunters of us) but if she wanted to initiate a situation of involvement with both of us, we might go with it and it might be alright. She does have to be socially comfortable with him. Anyone who makes him feel "shut out" when we are all social together, is going to make me uncomfortable. I don't want to feel pulled two ways.

Like a good barometer of that, is if she can give him a hello/goodbye hug in a social situation and appear comfortable about it, then we're probably ok.

I'm too deeply invested in my thing with Zen to put up with awkwardness or keep things completely compartmentalized.

I don't do closets. I don't keep secrets unless specifically asked. I'm out and open as the day is long. I love PDA...if I feel treated as a "just friend" then that's what we will be, and that is ok! If we're more...treat me as more. Hell, I'm very physically affectionate with even my "just friends" so I kind of need and expect that.

Any partner of mine in the future has to be able to go to BDSM events with me. It's a huge part of my life. I'm likely to find partners within that community anyways, if I'm apt to find them anywhere. They (in the case of a secondary female partner) do not have to be in any particular role, I could be fine with a Domme, a sub, a switch, a sadist or masochist, top or bottom or Mistress or slave...although I don't think that I have the bandwidth to do a serious 24/7 power dynamic with someone, so they'd have to not need that from me (it's fine if they're getting that with someone else though.)

I have to know they are not cheating on any other partners in their life, without a doubt. This is most easily accomplished by me having a conversation with my meta(s.) But in the case of Fire, who had other partners I never met, I felt very confident that they knew she was married and had others, that none of them thought that they were her one and only. I trusted her ethics. But if someone says they are in a DADT and their partner gets very limited knowledge of other partners...that's gonna be a no-go for me.

Other than that, it's going to be how well they fit with my life and general compatibility. I don't mind being supportive of one who has some issues (I mean, don't we all?) but I cannot feel overburdened or taken advantage of. I have a realistic idea of how much I have to give before the scales tip and I can't meet obligations...so I do tend to rule out people who have very serious disabilities where they are seeking a caregiver, small children, serious drug addictions, major financial crisis... I have to look at how heavily someone is going to lean on me and whether I can bear it and still hold up everything else I need to. And given the limits on my bandwidth right now, I'm thinking the most I could promise any secondary would be FWB sort of thing anyways...but all of the above considerations, still apply.

I know it probably limits my prospects rather severely, but I'd rather have no secondary, than a problematic secondary.

 

[starlight1]

My requirements:
1) No closets, if we're new and its not known yet, ok, but no longer than 3 months in- if we get to that bench mark and it hasn't automatically been talked about openly about our level of involvement with each other it falls under friend zone, or no-contact depending on person and if they are involved in other social circles etc. (No DADT / Affairs etc. falls under secret relationships)

2) respectful kind behaviour- golden rule stuff, decided between each situation but generally including no lying/cheating/abusive behaviour

3) be actively working on (or maintaining) physical and mental health

4)no triangulation between other partners, I am not your therapist though I will listen

5) Be more than "ok" with kids, not actively avoid or dislike kids. t's not a requirement to have no kids or kids themselves- but I personally am not looking to have any more children.

6) no arbitrary rules on my dating life "women only" "one penis policy" etc.

7) Be curious, about life, about poly, about the world- and not bitter because of it.

8) Some sort of spirituality, not necessarily religion because I don't tend to gel too well romantically with atheists, though I have a lot of dear friends who are, it tends to be something that causes issues with understanding world views/inner self stuff.

9) I draw a hard limit if I am newly dating someone and their partner takes a strong dislike to me, and that isn't resolved over the course of 2-3 months, or at least being worked on. I trust my gut and cues of body language and action vs words much more now on this since Trip. This can also extend to friends /family but only if the person I am dating actively wont stand up for me, but then that's a whole different issue...