What Can I Do?

U

UniverseFan

New member
I am at a complete loss. I honestly don't know if there is a good answer, but I'm hoping for more perspective.

Last September, my wife came out to me as poly. We had previously discussed opening our marriage (2 or 3 years earlier), I gave my approval to her, and in September she admitted to having sex with her ex the previous summer, as well as actively pursuing other poly connections.

I went through the usual emotional roller coaster, but after a few weeks I became fairly comfortable with the idea, and was truly happy for her. Without being aware of the poly, I had noticed a radiating happiness from her in the months leading up to her disclosure. How could I possibly see that as a negative or want to deny her that?

So, never having truly considered poly for myself, I began to explore connections in the months after her disclosure. I made a wonderful connection online, and later, a fairly platonic friend that I opened up to about everything turned into a romantic relationship that is ongoing.

The problem that has arisen is that my wife is nowhere near as comfortable sharing me as I am with her. It is wrecking her. Her connections are long distance; mine is local. I've done everything possible to make it as comfortable as possible, but she's still miserable. She hates communicating about it. She wants to know as little as possible. But to avoid surprises, she suggested a weekly date so that she's more prepared to handle it.

When we have discussed things, it ultimately boils down to the fact that she wants to be poly, but does not want me to be. She admits her selfishness. But if I were to end my relationship, she'd carry the guilt and be miserable. If I continue the relationship, she feels the insecurity and pain and is miserable.

My wife's happiness means the world to me. I find it a struggle to enjoy my dates, because her misery is always on my mind. My wife truly has made an effort, but there seems to be a mental block preventing her from coming to terms with this. If she could make it through and become truly comfortable with things, life could be perfect. But at the moment, it is a daily struggle with unhappiness, and every option seems to end in misery.

Suggestions?

Thank you so much for your time.
 
I think this is probably fairly common for newly opened relationships. The thing is, you can't do the work for her. You can be reassuring and accommodating to a point, but ultimately, she has to do the work, whatever that means for her. If poly-friendly counselors are available in your area, that may help. Reading books on opening up, visiting websites like more than two, going to poly meetups are all great places to start, imo. Really looking at what feelings were beneath my jealousy and insecurity really helped me (unmasking the green-eyed monster.)

On the up side, at least she recognizes the double standard.
 
UniverseFan said:
If I were to end my relationship, she'd carry the guilt and be miserable. If I continue the relationship, she feels the insecurity and pain and is miserable.
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Interesting that you don't talk about your girlfriend's feelings. Is your wife not only more important to you than your girlfriend, but the only one whose feelings matter to you? Your GF should matter, too. It would be absolutely cruel to dump your GF because your wife is having a hissy fit.

Nor have you talked about your feelings. What do you want? How do you feel towards your girlfriend? Are you only involved with her to keep score with wifey ("If you have poly, I want poly, too!"), or do you genuinely care about this woman?

People are not chess pieces in a game. Don't date other people if you can't give each person with whom you are involved the respect they deserve.
 
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Thank you for the responses. My wife is looking and researching, but at the moment, her emotions appear to be trumping logic. I'm trying to find a local counselor as well (as did she), but none appear to be in the immediate area. Still looking, though.

Please do not think that because I did not discuss my girlfriend's feelings that I am not taking them into consideration. Because we started as friends, and because I had opened up to her when my wife disclosed everything to me, she has a complete understanding of where I am coming from, and the hurdles I have faced.

She is happily married, as well, and this is her first foray into any type of extramarital relationship. (She and her husband agreed on a DADT policy.) We both entered into our relationship with the understanding that our marriages were the priorities, and she has been very sensitive to my wife's difficulties throughout. That being said, I still am as protective of her feelings as can be, and haven't been as open about my wife's recent stresses because I know my girlfriend then becomes stressed herself.

As to what I want, the only solution that would lead to everyone's happiness would be if my wife could work through whatever is causing her emotions to take control. She is a remarkably self-aware individual and is extremely analytical of feelings and emotions, which seems to support the idea that there is some "block" that is preventing her from acting on logic rather than pure emotion. Like I said, if she could reach the same level of comfort that I have with her relationships, life truly would be perfect.

Because of all the current turmoil, I talked to my girlfriend and we agreed to put off tonight's date. I'm curious to see what reaction that may have on my wife, whether it snaps her out of her own emotional state to realize the impact it is having. We shall see.

Thank you again for your words and thoughts!
 
Given that your wife is the logical/analytical type, I'm wondering if she's just trying to reason her way through her feelings instead of just letting herself feel them? Like, instead, she feels jealous/insecure, browbeats herself because its logical/reasonable/fair/etc., that you should be able to date, since she's been dating, ends up making herself feel worse, and then she loses it?

Maybe she just needs to give herself permission to feel however it is that she feels without trying to fix it/logic her way through it, or have you do something to fix it? Maybe just remind herself that feelings are temporary, and though she may feel more anxious, jealous, or insecure at the moment, those feelings will pass.

Blue and I have been open from the start (a couple years.) Generally, I know that I may feel some anxiety and insecurity when he first starts dating someone new...before we see how she fits into his life. When he's on those early dates, I spend my time doing some sort of self-care. I might watch that romantic comedy no one else wants to watch with me, or read the sad book that I know will make me cry, get a pedicure, etc. And I remind myself that how I'm feeling is temporary. For Blue's part, he checks in with me as soon as he has the opportunity (without intruding on his time with his date.)

What I don't do is make myself feel guilty for feeling however it is that I feel. And I don't indulge in catastrophic thinking. I've found the kinder I am to myself, the quicker and easier it is to deal with the anxiety and insecurity, and the more likely it is that I'll genuinely feel compersion for Blue and his date, though I don't guilt myself if I don't feel compersion.
 
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UniverseFan said:
Last September, my wife came out to me as poly. We had previously discussed opening our marriage (2 or 3 years earlier), I gave my approval to her, and in September she admitted to having sex with her ex the previous summer, as well as actively pursuing other poly connections.

I went through the usual emotional roller coaster, but after a few weeks I became fairly comfortable with the idea, and was truly happy for her. Without being aware of the poly, I had noticed a radiating happiness from her in the months leading up to her disclosure. How could I possibly see that as a negative or want to deny her that.
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So we're all clear, your wife wanted to open the relationship 2-3 yrs ago and you agreed. It wasn't until she declared she was poly in September, or after revealing certain detail,s that it hit you hard. And it was after you decided to start dating that she had a problem.

When you agreed to open, what was your expectation vs being hit with poly?

What did she do during those 2 + yrs to help you adjust to the open lifestyle change? To me, it sounds like you had a DADT in place, otherwise it was tantamount to cheating if she had sex in the summer with an ex, but you're finding out in September, long after the fact.

My wife truly has made an effort, but there seems to be a mental block.
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What are the efforts she has made? Has she seen a counselor? What type of things has she done to distract herself? Has she tried reengaging in an old hobby or taking up a new hobby? What about self improvement projects? How about volunteering her time away from home, at a homeless shelter or animal shelter? These are all ideas I've heard suggested to struggling monos over the yrs. If she's struggling these are ways to distract her attention and help her grow.

life could be perfect
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I think you need to focus on the perfect and let her catch up, because this isn't foreign to her. This is just the shoe being on the other foot. Time for her to put on her big girl panties and deal.

As a side note, if the genders were reversed, this behavior would be seen as totally unfair, pathetic, unattractive. Fix (meaning deal) or die stuff... because the death spiral sets in. The big R word... resentment.
 
When my wife suggested opening the marriage 3 years ago, it was with her ex in mind (which I became aware of). However, that summer she saw her ex on a few occasions, but didn't go through with it. The topic was essentially shelved at that point, and nothing was discussed again until her ultimate disclosure to me. So, I had begun the emotional processing of the situation as a hypothetical 3 years ago, but then truly had to process everything in September.

My wife prefers much more of a DADT communication, whereas I prefer to know everything. I feel that DADT is too suggestive that what we are doing is wrong. If we both agree poly is a positive and wonderful thing, why hide it?

My wife's research has mainly been online. We don't have any local counselors that deal with poly (that we've been able to find). On date nights, she's turned to friends for support, interacted online, or arranged to spend the evening doing something with our daughter. It seems her biggest difficulty is with the hours/days leading up to the date, and the hours/days after.

Thank you for your thoughts. 😊
 
Hi UniverseFan,

It seems like there's not much you can do except continue with your poly relationships, and let your wife try to work through her adverse feelings. Perhaps take things a bit slower and without suggesting DADT, may I suggest that giving your wife a smaller amount of information might leave her with not quite so many adverse feelings to deal with. For instance, you probably wouldn't tell your wife every little detail of the sex you had with your friend. Some things don't have to be discussed. Just something to consider.

I'll be following this thread, and will let you know if I can think of any other advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm a little confused. Has she acknowledged her basic hypocrisy in her attitudes now that the shoe is on the other foot?

If she's really the logical type I would expect that she'd have quite an internal discussion going on. She clearly knows how it feels to go out and have a relationship and then come home, and is completely ok with that side of things.
 
So, did cancelling your date "snap her out of her own emotional state"? Are you prepared to cancel, say, the next few... hundred? :confused:

Firstly, let's get clear: Polyamory is not cheating. Cheating is not polyamory.

Your wife cheated on you. Maybe her communication skills suck; maybe it's a thrill.

To disagree with other posters, she is NOT "the logical rational type" if she's being led around by her emotions. It sound more that she's hoping for a prefabricated post hoc rationalisation for her desires... which, if UniverseFan is being forthright, seems to be on the order of "I only get to have a little fun once in a while, so that's all HE should have." (And in the long run, I wouldn't be surprised if she starts comparing the quality or intensity of her own fun unfavorably to his and demands another parity correction.)

That's not a good fit with polyamory. However, it's pretty common in cheating. So, I'd have to conclude that the SO wants to have an old-fashioned "monogamous" relationship.
 
Oh, I have certainly learned my lesson about not sharing too many details.

She has most definitely acknowledged the hypocrisy in her feelings. And let me be clear, she has not asked me to stop dating or to end my relationship. However, her difficulties manifest themselves in such an overwhelming misery that an enjoyable home life becomes impossible. When we do communicate about it (which she hates), she opens up about the fact that she has no problem with poly for herself, but struggles to accept it for me. She fully acknowledges the hypocrisy. Whether it is due to her possessive nature and inability to enjoy sharing, or due to a real fear of losing me, I do not know. Perhaps both.

After the date was canceled Wednesday, my wife felt bad about it, which I expected. She's doing her best to get out of her current depression so that she can regain a better perspective. I'm hopeful that she can see how willing everyone is to protect her and that can help things seem less threatening to her.

As to my girlfriend, she suggested we take a step back, if necessary, while my wife determines whether she's cut out for this. In the meantime, she opened up to her husband about everything, and he was perfectly fine and understanding. He's not a believer in monogamy, though they have lived monogamously.

I just hate leaving my girlfriend in any type of limbo while my wife figures things out. My girlfriend is not interested in pursuing anyone else. Our relationship just materialized and it made her happy.

I'm working to lift my wife out of her misery so that she can evaluate things with a lighter heart and hopefully see things objectively. I think if she were having more success in her own poly life she might feel a better balance, as well, and feel less uneasy.

Again, many thanks for all your thoughts.
 
If your wife were to date someone more local ... would that help?
 
I think it would certainly help, as a counterbalance, if nothing else. She says she doesn't want something local, though. That being said, she is jealous of the fact that I have someone local and so readily accessible.
 
Just curious, have you asked her why she is opposed to dating someone local? It seems like that would be one of the more logical resolutions to your dilemma. She could easily plan dates around the same time you and your GF spend time together if she continues to struggle with your date nights. Is she only looking for LDRs? Maybe she has issues coping with you being intimate with your GF knowing the occurrence of her sexual encounters with someone else may be few and far between?

I hope everything works out! Keep us posted.
 
If dating locally doesn't appeal to her, then it makes no sense for her to be jealous of your local dates. I'm not missing something here, am I? :confused:
 
She made it fairly clear from the beginning that she wasn't looking for someone local. I think she sees it as too "dangerous" for herself. Too easy to let it develop into something more than she wants, I suppose. So, when she discovered I found someone local, I think she frowned on it for that reason. All that being said, I think it would be quite beneficial for her to find someone local.
 
Ohhh, I think I get it. It sounds like she wants all the "external" relationships to be casual. None of that pesky emotional stuff, right?
 
Correct. She's more into something physical with someone she's developed a connection with. (Excluding her ex-- different situation.) I, on the other hand, need an emotional connection before pursuing the physical. She and I are very different people.
 
Is she afraid that you developing an emotional connection (with someone other than her) will undermine her marriage with you?
 
Emotional as a stand alone thing isn't a problem. She got used to me. She even asked me to check in on UF when she was with the ex :) But I'm literally half a world away.

But combine emotional and sexual, and add in local and frequent in person dates... aye, there's the rub.
 
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