What do you call yourselves?

V

vodkafan

New member
Yesterday, during an argument, I referred to the other guy as my wife's "lover." She did not like that at all. She made a point that he is NOT her lover. This is NOT an affair. We've always agreed on that. I am her HUSBAND and he is her OTHER HUSBAND. She very much identifies with the polyandry model. We both dislike the terminology of primaries, secondaries, and thirds, or any suggestion that our marriage is open. I just wondered how others on here saw themselves and what they called themselves.
 
One poly person I knew called his other lovers "sweeties," Which seems to be a useful term. I've got a gf, but I like to call the two guys I am presently seeing sweeties.

I shy away from that "other husband," or "other wife" term, because of when my ex-husband met his sweetie, he immediately wanted to make her a wife in our home, before I was ready. He moved way too fast for my comfort, especially since we'd been together and monogamous for 20 years at that point. No way was I comfortable with letting her gain wife status so quickly.
 
Magdlyn said:
... especially since we'd been together and monogamous 20 years at that point. No way was I comfortable with letting her gain wife status so quickly.
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That seems fair enough, Magdlyn. Our case was kinda different. My wife fell in love with a guy, but did not have a physical affair, because she felt so guilty about hurting me. (We'd also been together 20 years with no infidelity.) She really was torn apart mentally and emotionally. So giving him husband status in all our minds has legitimized it for us and made it, I think, seem more honourable? Also, he does not come here. She goes to his place to be with him. It is completely separate.

She likes the idea of being a wife with two husbands. If there was a way to do it legally, she would.
 
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This is a good topic and I'd love to hear more.

At this point, our friend doesn't have a term beyond "friend" and my husband is my husband. We're not completely in a relationship at this point, just working on it. I never really thought about what I'd refer to them as until now.
 
My boyfriend is ... my boyfriend! :p I imagine that if he stays as my boyfriend for a long time, he would become a "significant other." "Lover" has always sounded hokey to me, and primary/secondary/etc., imply less to me. But people will choose the labels they like, and that's what you should use. I've seen people use DH and DW (dear husband/wife). Maybe that might work for your situation.
 
Primary/secondary I don't think were ever meant to be used as anything but descriptive when it comes to relationships. They serve their purpose, but aren't terms of endearment. I like "love," "partner," "boyfriend," or "girlfriend," depending on the conversation. "Sweetie" doesn't fit my personality, although I love that it works for other people.

I love what Mono calls me, "LILO," for "life love." That's my special name. It makes my heart sing.
 
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I tend to use what they are. If they are my boyfriend, then they are called that. For me, I like to stick to the reality of my relationships.

And I'm not sure, but I believe a handfasting ceremony is like a wedding ceremony you have with an OSO with family and friends present (if you choose). It wont be acknowledged legally, of course, but it's seen as a symbol of the marriage officially allowing in another equal partner. I think that's the term they meant, anyway.
 
I love using the term "lover" to refer to the people I'm in relationships with. For me, this doesn't have the connotation of illicitness, though I know for many people it does. To me, a "lover" is someone I love, someone I make love with, and someone who has a more special relationship with me than just a friend.

In casual conversation, I might call someone my sweetie or my boyfriend/girlfriend, and in mixed (poly/mono) company, or when I'm being "formal," I simply call them my partners. All of them. (I do have a husband, by the way, but as we don't live together anymore that term is quite misleading.)
 
Handfasting is a Wiccan ritual that binds two people together. It is similar to marriage, but in Pagan times it wasn't such a loaded institution as it is today. It was a ceremony to bind people for a time.

The great thing is you can make it what you want. You can have a time limit for the length of your love, or for a year and then renew and go your separate ways, whatever works. The options are endless. Much like poly, the agreement is up to the people involved. There is a ritual to release those bound in a handfasting too, but I have forgotten what it's called. I like that it's not a divorce, but acknowledges that people change, circumstances change, and like the seasons, we are meant to. Both rituals are about the flow of life and honour that, at least from what I have learned.
 
It's funny, my lover's wife calls hubby her other husband. My lover has never called me his "other wife." He vaguely references the idea on occasion, "You're practically my second wife," or "You know me better than anyone except ~insert wife's pet name here~." I have no problem with the word "lover." I'd prefer "other wife," but...
 
I kind of understand how your wife feels about the word "lover." For me, it sounds a bit hokey, as well. After a year and a half, we haven't settled on regular "names" for what we are. Before we even embarked on our quad relationship, though, we were already referring to each other as "other husband/wife," because on the weekends, Easy and Asha would work at the Renaissance Festival, and Sunday and I would usually end up watching the kids together, wandering around the Renaissance Festival as a conglomerate family. People who didn't know us well often assumed that, indeed, Sunday and I were married and all four kiddos were ours. That's why I call him Sunday! He's my Sunday husband. The kids used to call him Sunday Daddy. Lately, Monkey's taken to referring to them as her stepparents, which is something I'm not sure if I like. It just sounds like something that makes them less, to me.

Asha most frequently refers to herself as Easy's other wife or second wife. She hardly ever uses the word girlfriend in that context. However, she has referred to herself as my girlfriend. She has said that she likes the word lover and enjoys being called that. Easy has used it once or twice, but I think he's kind of clueless as to what to call her.

I haven't got any idea if Sunday ever calls me anything, though once we did discuss what we should call each other and he mentioned calling me his Sunday wife.

I like the person who refers to their sweetheart as "koibito", which is Japanese for sweetheart or romantic love. If I could get comfortable using that, I would totally do it.

Easy and I were handfast before we were married. It's in effect a trial marriage, and the original (so we were told) handfasting was for a year and a day. If there was a pregnancy, the marriage became permanent; if there was no pregnancy, the couple could decide whether to stay together or go their separate ways. Because of the laws in the state where we live, when we had our handfasting ceremony we basically had a common law marriage.
 
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Not long after my relationship started, there was an issue with another of his women/lovers. He told me he thinks of me as a partner, not just a lover. He's since had me added to his doctor's list of people that can call and get info, but on those forms, I'm listed as "friend," while his wife is listed as "wife."

When they got married, they had a poly ceremony. Three couples were there to represent Lovers Past, Lovers Present and Lovers Future. So he said I was already there. When we went on vacation a few months ago, he bought me a ring to symbolize our love, our partnership. I will always respect his wife as primary and know my place with her. I just wish society would recognize us and accept us as more than a cheap affair.
 
Oh, I should mention I am still married, in the process of divorce. I call that guy my (soon to be ex) husband. Then I've been with my gf for a year and a half. I call her my gf, obviously. The others I see, long-distance relationships, I call sweeties, because we aren't in real boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

I *wish* I had a real local boyfriend sometimes. Time will tell if I find the right guy.
 
redpepper said:
Handfasting is a Wiccan ritual that binds two people together. It is similar to marriage, but in Pagan times it wasn't such a loaded institution as it is today. It was a ceremony to bind people for a time.

The great thing is you can make it what you want. You can have a time limit for the length of your love, or for a year and then renew and go your separate ways, whatever works. The options are endless. Much like poly, the agreement is up to the people involved. There is a ritual to release those bound in a handfasting too, but I have forgotten what it's called. I like that its not a divorce, but acknowledges that people change, circumstances change and, like the seasons, we are meant to. Both rituals are about the flow of life, and honour that...
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Thanks for the info. Redpepper. I don't think handfasting is for us. In our minds, marriage is kind of about commitment AGAINST change, that our human will is stronger than circumstances or going with the flow.

I know my wife would not be impressed with a Pagan ceremony. If she cannot legally have what she wants, she would rather not have anything.
They will probably just go away somewhere for a romantic weekend and exchange rings or something, whatever is sensible and practical.

Oh, she doesn't like the term "boyfriend" either. Maybe we are just a bit "square." LOL.
 
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vodkafan said:
Thanks, Redpepper. I don't think handfasting is for us. In our minds, marriage is kind of about commitment AGAINST change, that our human will is stronger than circumstances or going with the flow.
I know my wife would not be impressed with a Pagan ceremony. If she cannot legally have what she wants she would rather not have anything. They will probably just go away somewhere for a romantic weekend and exchange rings or something, whatever is sensible and practical.
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Whatever works. My bf Mono isn't all that keen either. I would marry him if he was willing, but he married once and thinks marriage is a one-shot deal. No biggy.

Just so you know, I gave you the traditional, old-school version. People make handfastings their own; they don't call them that, necessarily. As I said, like poly, you can make it your own.

I'm not sure I know what you mean about AGAINST change... :confused: What does that mean? It's no less of a commitment and doesn't have to be for any period of time, it can be "until death do us part" if you wish. I'm sorry, I'm stuck on the "commitment AGAINST change" bit. To me, life is always changing; we don't have control over that. Explain?

I forgot one other term that is used: OSO (other significant other).
 
Mmm, Vodkafan, I kind of don't get what you mean about handfasting, either. I've been handfast to Easy for twenty years. We celebrate that anniversary, we count it as our "real" anniversary, we don't miss that anniversary even if we can't do anything for our wedding anniversary. If I handfast with Asha and Sunday, that will be a commitment, a permanent commitment. Just like marriage, sometimes permanent doesn't last as long as you might hope, but the intent will be for a life-long committed relationship. Not that I'm saying you have to like it, mind you, to each his own...I guess I just kind of felt like my commitment was dissed. Handfasting is a very valid form of marriage for Pagans--remember that a Christian wedding is legally only a ceremony if you don't sign a piece of paper.
 
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redpepper said:
Mono isn't all that keen either.
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I admit, conditioning is definitely a factor here. I can't get past the idea of marriage/public declarations of union without sexual exclusivity.

I would suck as a poly husband, but I make a pretty good boyfriend, right? :sneaky:
 
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