What do you do in the alone time?

[wakenbakeOvO]

So here I am with my partner Bunny out on a date with someone. To clarify it is a sex date. I find these times to be the hardest part of all of this. We don't have a time limit on these kind of things. So I don't know when she will be back or what she has planned. I find myself sulking on the couch. I actually need to be at work in six hours but I can not sleep a wink. Almost every time I do, I end up with nightmares. Anxiety filled terror packed dreams. So I need some help with what everyone else does. What do you do when your partner is away? How can I work through this anxiety on my own? I know whenever she comes I will almost certainly feel better, but I do not like where I am at now. When this stuff gets in my head it ruins my night and the next day. I end up with brain weasels that refuse to leave my skull.

 

[ElMango]

I'm sorry you're struggling, I know brain weasels can be assholes.

To clarify it is a sex date. I find these times to be the hardest part of all of this.

Do you know why you find sex dates the hardest? What's causing the nightmares?

I'm not good at falling asleep if I don't know when someone will be home. Even as a child I needed to know 'when' to fall asleep. I'm a light sleeper, so I want to know when I'll be startled awake or if I will. I always want to know will they be home in the morning (6am -noon) or that evening (midnight-3am). It makes it so I can sleep. I'm not saying when they should be home, just when they think they will be.

What do you do when your partner is away?

At home DIY spa day if I can. Face mask, hair mask, long hot bath, netflix, mani/pedi. If it's nice out I garden. I tidy the house and get ahead on chores. I read; either a good non-fiction book or I do some studying (either for my continued education or on topics I enjoy). I'll exercise.

How can I work through this anxiety on my own?

One thing I'm trying, especially with my anxious thoughts that are not productive, is the act of acknowledging my feelings, understanding that they are feelings and even though uncomfortable they are allowed, and letting them go.

As cliche as it sounds, practice meditation. There are MANY different types of meditation and not every time does it have to last forever and ever. I do a quiet breathing exercise that lasts between 30 seconds and 2 minutes of just focusing on breathing deeply.

Figure out what about the situation is causing anxiety; this is a big one for me. I have generalized anxiety, so when my baseline for anxiety is not 0, I have to look deep and say "hey, why are my feathers so ruffled?"

My brain weasel, I named her Barbara (sorry anyone with that name), and I also tell her to fuck right off with her silly nonsense. I've worked to figure out which 'voice' is my sadness, and fear, and hurt; and which is there to just make things worse and be mean.

Example: I'm feeling anxiety over the fact a partner may hook up with someone new

'Barb' would feel more like: I'm worried about him being with someone else because you may be forgotteeennnn because you are forgettable.

Fear voice would feel more like: I'm worried about him hooking up with someone because of NRE making him NRE and I get pushed aside and that makes me feel bad.

I'm probably not explaining that well...but Barb gets told she needs to shut up, and fear I talk to as if I wasn't talking to myself. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Magdlyn]

So here I am with my partner Bunny out on a date with someone. To clarify it is a sex date. I find these times to be the hardest part of all of this. We don't have a time limit on these kind of things. So I don't know when she will be back or what she has planned...

My long term nesting partner and I always have a general idea of how long or late we will be out with someone else. If we weren't poly, we would surely still make sure the other knew who we were with and approximately how long we would be gone. It's just common etiquette.

We don't need to know the exact plans the other has. But we often do mention that, just because there's no reason not to.

"We're gonna Netflix and chill. We're gonna garden and go to bed early. We're going out to lunch/dinner at...(X restaurant), I'm excited. We're going to Paris for the weekend (ha)."

And we also message and let the other know if we are staying out longer than first anticipated. This just saves needless worry.

Is there a reason you and Bunny don't do this common courtesy for each other? If it's, "I want to be freeeeeee!" I'm not buying it. A relationship would need to be severely renegotiated in Opening to be this loosey goosey.

 

[vinsanity0]

I can pretty much fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

I like my alone time. If I find myself alone, I take advantage of it. Work on hobbies, etc. Usually when my wife was out of the house I would crank up some music I liked that she didn't like.

But whatever we do won't help you. You need to work on why it bothers you that she is out on a date. I mean, if she runs out shopping do you just sit there and sulk until she gets back? Or do you just go about your business.

 

[Evie]

I also don't consider there to be difference if Adam is out on a date or out doing one of his hobbies or catching up with mates. In any case I tend to put something on TV he's go no interest in watching, or chat with friends online, or masturbate, or chores because there's always something that needs doing lol.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi wakenbake,

It depends, there are many things you could do to distract yourself, but first you have to ask yourself, do you *want* to be distracted? Maybe you're in too much pain to patch it up with a distraction, maybe it would make more sense to ask yourself why you are feeling like this, what it means, whether you feel it is fair for Bunny to be out on a date with someone, and why. Journaling could be helpful.

If you decide you do want to be distracted, there are many possibilities. The main idea I suggest is to, a) treat yourself, b) do stuff that wouldn't interest Bunny (but would interest you). Watch that movie that you've been wanting to see, that she says no to. Work on that hobby that you never get time for. Enjoy a drink or two (within reason), and some ice cream. Get out of the house. Go on a walk if the weather is nice. Meet up with a friend and go bowling. Use your imagination here, time is a valuable resource, use it to make yourself feel better.

I think you already know that sulking on the couch is *not* one of the things you might want to do. So, look at the suggestions in this thread, and pick something, anything at first. Being alone is something you get better at with practice, at first you just need to try something and see if it helps you feel any better, then, try something else. What works for you will be unique to your personality.

Anyway those are some quick thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Vicki82]

If Bunny was out at work or with a friend, what would you do in that alone time? Why is this different to you?