What does a healthy poly relationship look like?

A

agentb2016

New member
So, I've now had two bad experiences trying to do poly. One 6 years ago and one more recently that I posted on here about.

I'm wondering, what does a healthy poly relationship look and feel like?

Update: I broke up with him almost 3 weeks ago now. I'm still hurting a lot. He has been in touch with me twice. He just sent me 10 text messages this past Monday night at 2am (after I hadn't spoken to him in 2 weeks). Saying what a great experience I gave him for his birthday this year and why. I responded the next day and said "you're welcome, i'm glad you enjoyed it" and he never replied to me and now this is bothering me.
 
agentb2016 said:
I responded the next day and said "you're welcome, i'm glad you enjoyed it" and he never replied to me and now this is bothering me.
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"You're welcome, I'm glad you enjoyed it" as a response to 10 text messages says, "Thanks, but you're not the man for me." As I recall, this is the clear message you inteneded to send to him when you broke up. You sent a clear message 3 weeks ago and you sent another clear response on Tuesday. He gets the message.

Nobody can get under your skin unless you hook into them. What has you hooked about this?
 
agentb2016 said:
I'm wondering, what does a healthy poly relationship look and feel like?
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A healthy poly relationship looks and feels like any other healthy relationship.:D

It can "look" many different ways - there is no magically configuration. It "feels" like a blessing and a boon to the participants. Check out the blogs section or the the "Happiness" thread for examples. Those of us who are quietly living out our poly lives don't feel the need to post as often as those who are having issues - "Situation same, everything is good." doesn't seem to need a blog post - even if that is our usual status!:rolleyes:

For instance: Yesterday, I went to work. Went out with SLeW for a girl-date (manicure/waxing then dinner), stopped by to see MrS at work and give him a backrub and smooches, and came home to hang out with Dude until bedtime. Nothing of significance happened, except strengthening my bond with each of them and enjoying my Friday. Then again, I am the "luckiest girl ever" :p
 
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It looks like different things to different people.

What is healthy for me is very different then what is healthy for others. I am happy splitting my l time between two husbands keeping things separate. I love in two houses. Have different social circles with each. I am happy. For others it would be stressful.
 
Hi agentb2016,

Healthy poly relationships come in all shapes and sizes, so they don't all look (or even feel) the same. Certainly there needs to be some mutual care and respect ... productive communication is a big plus too.

Have you looked at our Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness thread? You should check it out, it's filled with snapshots of happy, healthy poly lives.

I'm truly sorry you're hurting in the wake of your recent breakup. It sounds like your ex is running hot and cold on you and you sure don't need that.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
I would think it just looks normal. Today I woke up in WarMan's bedroom, went out to lunch and shopping with DarkKnight in the afternoon, and then spent the evening curled up on the couch with PunkRock and my youngest daughter, eating subs and watching The Force Awakens.
 
Even a healthy poly relationship has its ups and downs. IMO, a long-term established healthy relationship feels easy and safe. However, all relationships have times of struggle and oftentimes the struggle is because of some sort of change. In a healthy relationship the participants are able to work through challenges and find a new balance after changes.

I live with two of my guys, and Jeremy used to visit us regularly. However, CJ started feeling uncomfortable having Jeremy around, so now I go see him in his home. Everyone needs to have their space respected, and metamours do not need to like each other.

This week I have had a lovely date with all three of my guys, and life feels good.
 
A healthy relationship is a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship ... doesn't matter whether the structure is poly or mono.

My personal litmus test is this: every person in a relationship should feel respected, valued, heard, and safe to be themselves without fear. A healthy relationship feels nourishing and energizing, not draining, upsetting, or confusing. People in healthy relationships do not need to walk on eggshells around each other - a healthy dynamic means you have the space to express yourself, whether that is verbally, emotionally, intellectually, or sexually. Finally, I think a healthy relationship is one in which each person feels they are an equal, where no one is in charge or dictating to another (even in a D/s arrangement, I think the parties should be in equal agreement about their power exchange). I also don't think relationships should require lots of hard work to function well. If people are healthy and well in themselves, healthy relationships evolve out of that and are a lot easier and more joyful and easy-going than the kinds of relationships where you're always laboring to resolve issues.
 
Life is a series of issues. Issues of work, time, money, obligations and inlaws... If you can tackle those, and still think you are connected to wonderful people with whom you enjoy having sex, and share some good non-sexual moments and have a sense of humour....Then I think you have a nice, good, healthy life, no matter your relationship style. It helps to be honest and kind, and not too afraid of rocking the boat. And to understand that every individual need to work on themselves - and see that when life feels like crap, it is life and not the relationship.

For instance, I had a period this fall where both my men were miserable in their jobs (understandably. Their bosses were very unfair) and were dipping their toes into reactive depression, at the same time as we started having money issues AND my mum got very sick around Christmas. There was the issue of preassuring them to change jobs, changing habits to take better care of money, organizing for my family to take care of my mum without offending her (she is very self-reliant), kick-starting my sexlife with my husband - and now I have to find a job since I lost my old one. Life is life... we are not perfect. But we love each other and we are family and we make the changes we need to to thrive.
 
It's much easier to spot symptoms indicating an unhealthy relationship. ;)
________________

Dammit, while that statement is true, it got me thinking. :eek:

Okay, well, it's true only so long as you know what you're looking at. My wife & I had incorporated magickal principles into our daily lives. Part of this was the belief that "negative" stuff should be resolved/removed as efficiently as possible, to keep it from becoming actively poisonous (to oneself, the relationship, our families). If one of us said/did something that bugged the other, we'd stop & work it out, then & there.

We were (are? ;)) passionate, bright, & quick-minded people, kinda fearless & definitely in love. Without raising our voices, we'd lay out all the metaphorical cards, explain our respective reaction patterns, conclude that we'd repaired the glitch, & return to the group conversation as though nothing had happened -- which was sorta the case, because we'd "rewound the tape," as it were.

To some of our friends, this meant "they're fighting again!!!" because our disagreement set off THEIR treasured fears, rendering them unable to see past their programming.
 
We try not to fight in front of other people. I absolutely hate it when other people do that, and other people are not part of our relationship conflicts. Fighting is to me very private, and the few times I have fought in public made me ashamed of myself. Also, I will say 99 % of fights we have had are not things that CAN be "resolved right then and there", they are just silly fights that are symtoms of deeper issues that we need to work on in a more thorough way. For instance, I have fought with my husband over him not telling me that things was going to happen - those are our personality differences, I am a planner, he goes with the flow, and also we have struggled with him being distant and I not feeling respected (I dont really care if he messes with the details as long as I can sense that he cares for me and is sorry I got hurt). We have since forgiven each other things that we have done in the past - not really horrible things, but small acts of neglectment, distance making moves, lack of generosity, lack of seeing the urgency of important long term things etc. We have been through a lot the last six years (illness and a strained economy among other things) and I used to see it as fighting a war, now it feels more like a long journey that finally came to an end. We are proud that we were able to sustain our relationship through it all and we are slowly getting closer and becoming generous and calm with each other. Right now, I can't remember the last time we fought.

With my other (long distance) boyfriend, we have fought exactly two times; once before we started visiting (he still talks about that, it was the only time I ever said anything directly hurtful to him). The second time was over several months when his work conflict led to a reactive depression that we both feared would sink our relationship. It didn't, and we are working on communicating things even more to the the point, including uncomfortable themes. I made him switch jobs and he is much happier now.

It may be great for your relationship if you are really able to resolve any issues right then and there, but it also sounds like you regularily upset your friends and don't have much sympathy that they become upset by noticing/ witnessing you fighting. For people who do mending processes slowlier and less impulsive, it is really upsetting to witness couple fights (be dragged into their drama) and then be expected to act like it didn't even happen. My brother-in-law and his wife takes on their issues right then and there, even when we ask them not to, and it is one of the biggest reasons I struggle to like them.
 
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Nah.

A well-spoken response... but incorrect. :D

See, you've mixed low-key (if emotionally involved) & efficient problem-solving with bickering (like bug-eyed chihuahuas, right?) & as well with fighting, a VERY emotionally charged term with plenty of visceral violence. It's specious logic, really -- but was it intentionally manipulative, or was it a knee-jerk reflex? ;)

In short, pretty much in the same boat as the friends I mentioned. And, like them, maybe you prefer to backpack/gunnysack your disagreements, because it's "easier" to hold on to those poisonous little emotions than to be "rude."

Your choice to make, but I cannot recommend it. :cool:
 
Ravenscroft said:
A well-spoken response... but incorrect. :D

See, you've mixed low-key (if emotionally involved) & efficient problem-solving with bickering (like bug-eyed chihuahuas, right?) & as well with fighting, a VERY emotionally charged term with plenty of visceral violence. It's specious logic, really -- but was it intentionally manipulative, or was it a knee-jerk reflex? ;)

In short, pretty much in the same boat as the friends I mentioned. And, like them, maybe you prefer to backpack/gunnysack your disagreements, because it's "easier" to hold on to those poisonous little emotions than to be "rude."

Your choice to make, but I cannot recommend it. :cool:
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You are right that there are differences in volume, and that there is a difference betwen a dog fight and having a smaller fall out, but when a couple leaves the room, and in most cases can be seen or heard to have any sort of argument, that they themselves may refer to a "discussion" but that feels upsetting because all the rest of the people are dragged into something very private, the group is upset.

I have no idea why you bring up Gunnysacking, or holding grudges in general, are you reffering to something you know to be true about some of your friends? I am certainly used to dissolving smaller issues the same day they emerge, usually through discussion and if more agressively certaintly not in front of my friends because most people hate to get dragged in. So, in practical terms it means that we either talk very discreetly (we are not seen to leave the group for this purpose), send a few text messages or agree to talk it over when we get home (aka a few hours later). It is you yourself who shares the information that your own friends dislike the way you solve your conflicts in public and I certainly can undertand why. I don't know why it doesn't bother you that they dislike your behaviour, but then again that is your problem and I suppose you have other good qualities since they put up with it.
 
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Norwegianpoly said:
We try not to fight in front of other people. I absolutely hate it when other people do that, and other people are not part of our relationship conflicts. Fighting is to me very private, and the few times I have fought in public made me ashamed of myself.
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Don't come to New York, whatever you do!!
 
If I can have a respectful discourse with another mature adult where we work through some differences tactfully, that is fine in public. But my ex was one of those unproductive fighters who fought nasty and hurtfully and spitefully, trying to "win." A public tiff with him would usually involve him saying outrageous, and often humiliating things to me. I might be kinky, but NO part of me is into public humiliation.

In private, I could wait for him to blow steam and then we might attempt to work on something.

Heaven help me if I said anything I didn't mean. It would be used against me again and again. But if I attempted to hold him to something he said in anger, it was "not fair." He got the license to retract his own words, I did not.

That was an unhealthy relationship. That's one facet of what it looked like.

I can't speak well to what *any* healthy relationship (poly or otherwise) necessarily looks like. I know a slave whose Master died, and for the last four years or so, she has been visiting his grave several days a week to tend it lovingly, and she has no interest in seeing anyone else for the rest of her days. They still have a relationship even if only one person is still there to participate. Is it healthy? I don't know, but it is beautiful. And she seems social, functional, and content with her path.

My poly group...none of us really have any idea how long this will last in the manner it's been going. One might have to move to Arizona to care for his father. Two might go to New Hampshire to be part of the Free State Project. My boyfriend (Analyst) wants us to be together for as long as possible. I'm here for today, and do hope to continue with these people, I love them. But at the same time, I worry about being stretched rather thin on time and I have a hard time believing in permanence in pretty much anything in life. I am doing this now, that's all I know. I'll keep on doing it until or unless I cannot.

But I also think it's an error of mono-normative thinking, or maybe escalator-normative thinking, to conflate longevity of a relationship with success. Other factors matter more to me, like how happy it makes the participants, and if we are still friends once the romantic connection ends. A long miserable relationship, isn't a successful or healthy one, obviously. What I have today, brings joy to all involved, and I think we all feel cared about and supported and validated in it.
 
I never at any point said that Anna & I fought. Now that I think about it, in 12 years I can recall that one or ther other raised our voice twice, & THAT was at home, & served to release pressure.

Ain't it funny how people leap to conclusions...?

Fearful people reach readily for emotionally loaded "trigger" words -- argue, fight, hate, ashamed, struggle -- when there's any sort of disagreement or anger or even simple analysis of a problematic situation.

Anna & I were both bullheaded intellectuals, & often didn't see eye-to-eye... but we did not have much fear. If that meant getting up the nose of some busybody, what's the actual harm?
 
Ravenscroft said:
I never at any point said that Anna & I fought. Now that I think about it, in 12 years I can recall that one or ther other raised our voice twice, & THAT was at home, & served to release pressure.

Ain't it funny how people leap to conclusions...?

Fearful people reach readily for emotionally loaded "trigger" words -- argue, fight, hate, ashamed, struggle -- when there's any sort of disagreement or anger or even simple analysis of a problematic situation.

Anna & I were both bullheaded intellectuals, & often didn't see eye-to-eye... but we did not have much fear. If that meant getting up the nose of some busybody, what's the actual harm?
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Which is why I made the distinction. People won't always agree; I think it's unrealistic to expect such. And let's look at it this way...say you had two people who weren't particularly "stubborn," or maybe one who isn't and one who is...say one partner is forever capitulating to the stronger will of the other. The result is likely to be a whole load of unspoken resentment, baggage quietly piling up until the relationship implodes under that pressure. But some people "argue" productively and in a mature way, and some don't.

I was going to make an exception for the "one partner capitulating" statement for some power exchange relationships, but even then, most couples I know who have been doing that for any length of time still have both voices being heard...there just might be more rules and structure in it. A weekly meeting for instance where they both air any issues and do a bit of renegotiation.

Bottom line is that I do think that conflict resolution skills have a lot to do with the health of relationships. (Duh, right?)
 
Nah, NYC was like being "onstage" all the time. You know, like needing a constant infusion of strong coffee just to mellow out. :D Being able to deal with it is a good survival tool... but needing to deal with it is more challenge than I want.

(It's not regional. The last time I was East, I found Baltimore delightful!)

And in all fairness to my ex: we didn't argue much at all, & most of the span I'd say we were BFFs. People sought our advice because we liked solving problems & didn't take sides or dole out bland "sympathy," but could count on us for support.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Nah, NYC was like being "onstage" all the time. You know, like needing a constant infusion of strong coffee just to mellow out. :D Being able to deal with it is a good survival tool... but needing to deal with it is more challenge than I want.
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I have no idea what all of this means, but I'm glad you enjoyed Baltimore (which is technically a Southern town.)
 
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