What happens after closing open relationship?

W

Whathappensnext

New member
M and F have just closed from a short trial of open relationship.
F couldn't cope with having to share and no longer wanted to do open relationship. F willing to let go of M as it was causing to much heart attack. M then agreed to close off open relationship to save their relationship together.

M still has tinder account and actively talks to girls and kept photos of girls chest area on phone. F is not happy and wants to have those things gone. F then deleted photos of girls chest on M phone and M got upset.
Do you think M has right to be upset?
For closing relationship what is your suggestions of moving forward? Is it a slow decrease and let off from all those sites or shall it be cut off completely? M feels tinder is harmless but F doesn't like it as finds tinder to be only for flirting.
 
Hi, welcome! Happy holidays (if you celebrate :)) You'll get more traffic and responses if you post this in poly relationships. This section is for Journaling. Also, it might help if you give M and F aliases.

Just like no two open relationships have the same boundaries, same with closing the relationship. It's just up to the comfort level of the individuals in the relationship. It's really up to the two of you to work out a compromise. If I were the female, I'd probably want the Tinder account closed, but I'd still be fine with him maintaining female friendships he met while open. May I ask your ages, length of the "trial open"?
 
F needs to work on her self esteem issues. M needs to help her with that.

Harmless flirting is harmless. Has he given her a reason not to trust him?

It would be tough for me to go back to monogamy. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to do it.

I would be extremely pissed if someone went into my phone/computer/tablet/whatever and looked at or deleted anything without my permission. Ever hear of boundaries? That is a huge invasion of privacy. It would take a lot for me to trust someone again if they did that to me.
 
Why didn't M password protect their phone? While I, too, would be upset if someone deleted pics off my phone, I don't have any pics that violate agreements I made with my partners. M getting so offended over the deleted boob pics seems to demonstrate that boob pics and flirting were more important than F's feelings.

F has set out personal boundaries that include a 100% closed relationship with no flirting. F has expressed that the consequence for violating these boundaries is an end to the relationship. So M has a simple choice to make: close the relationship, no more flirting, no more talking girls on tinder; or end the relationship. Not an easy choice, mind you, but simple as in black-or-white.

The success rates for people quitting anything are always higher when they go cold turkey. It gets it out of your system faster. Trying to decrease slowly demonstrates that M actually has zero desire to decrease at all, and is only doing the bare minimum required to satisfy F. F will never be satisfied with anything less than 100% monogamy, they have made that crystal clear by demonstrating a willingness to end the relationship over the issue.

That said, it doesn't sound like M has any real desire to adopt the behaviours that respect F's boundaries, and so either way one of these partners is going to be miserable if the relationship continues.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Why didn't M password protect their phone? While I, too, would be upset if someone deleted pics off my phone, I don't have any pics that violate agreements I made with my partners. M getting so offended over the deleted boob pics seems to demonstrate that boob pics and flirting were more important than F's feelings.

F has set out personal boundaries that include a 100% closed relationship with no flirting. F has expressed that the consequence for violating these boundaries is an end to the relationship. So M has a simple choice to make: close the relationship, no more flirting, no more talking girls on tinder; or end the relationship. Not an easy choice, mind you, but simple as in black-or-white.

The success rates for people quitting anything are always higher when they go cold turkey. It gets it out of your system faster. Trying to decrease slowly demonstrates that M actually has zero desire to decrease at all, and is only doing the bare minimum required to satisfy F. F will never be satisfied with anything less than 100% monogamy, they have made that crystal clear by demonstrating a willingness to end the relationship over the issue.

That said, it doesn't sound like M has any real desire to adopt the behaviours that respect F's boundaries, and so either way one of these partners is going to be miserable if the relationship continues.
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Interesting take on this, but do you think it is a realistic expectation to tell a guy he can never see a picture of a boob again? Boundaries are one thing, controlling bullshit is another.
 
PinkPig said:
You'll get more traffic and responses if you post this in poly relationships. This section is for Journaling. Also, it might help if you give M and F aliases.
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Thanks for pointing that out. This thread is obviously looking for responses, so I moved it to the Poly Relationships forum.
 
I think it's realistic and reasonable to say "We're closing our relationship, and that means I don't want you keeping women's titty pics on your phone or talking to women on dating sites." Are guys going to see tits anyway? Probably. But there's a difference between spotting something online vs. saving the pictures on his phone for private viewing.

I told Hubby to delete a tit pic he'd gotten from the woman he hooked up with after we first opened the marriage. I said I didn't care what he looked at online, but him having her boobs on his phone bothered me, especially after he decided he didn't want to hook up with her anymore. Since Hubby values me and my comfort over other women's tits (and over my own; I also made him delete a pic he took of me topless), he didn't even raise a slight objection.

But I told Hubby to delete those pics. I didn't pick up his phone to delete them myself, nor did I pick up his phone to see whether he'd done as I asked. I told him I wanted the pics deleted; he chose to delete them, and he chose to show me his phone's photo gallery to prove they were gone even though I didn't ask him to.

To me, both M and F are disrespecting each other. M is disrespecting F's wishes to close the relationship by continuing to have other women's boobs on his phone and continuing to flirt on a dating site; F is disrespecting M's privacy by deleting pics from his phone. So in that, they're both wrong.

However, it sounds to me like F specifically *said* she wanted the relationship closed and *said* she didn't want M to have boobie pics or talk to women on Tinder. Which, to me, means M is more in the wrong than F, unless M specifically *said* to F "Hey, don't touch my phone."
 
Hi Whathappensnext,

There's not one right way you're supposed to do things when you close an open relationship. Presuming you're F, you're trying to do what works best for you, while M's trying to do what works best for him. Unfortunately, what works for one of you is not what works for the other. That's why conflict has arisen.

I think deleting something on another person's phone is a breach of their privacy, but I suppose it's somewhat of a gray area. M didn't password protect his phone and he didn't ask you to not do anything with his phone. On the other hand, maybe he feels that he shouldn't have to ask? that he shouldn't have to password protect? He just assumed you'd know (and honor the fact that) he wouldn't want you to take over his phone like that.

It seems that you (F) and M are engaged in a tug of war. He (M) is pulling in the open direction, you're pulling in the closed direction. Right now you're "winning" the tug of war which is why M is unhappy. But he's still pulling. The two of you are working against each other. Which means you're both going to be unhappy with your relationship as time goes on.

I'm not completely sure what to advise at this point, I guess you just wait and see what happens. But be advised, you may eventually find that breaking up is the outcome that makes sense. I know M is giving in so as to avoid a breakup, but he may change his mind about that. I'm not sure.

I hope it won't come to that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I see two things here.

1) Stealing
2) Unclear agreement. M agreed to not date anyone.
  • M continues to flirt. Flirting does not count as "Open" behavior to M because M does not intend to date them.
  • Flirting counts as "Open" behavior to F. F wants that to stop.

It's like the line is drawn at "dating" to M but at "flirting" to F.

M still has tinder account and actively talks to girls and kept photos of girls chest area on phone. F is not happy and wants to have those things gone. F then deleted photos of girls chest on M phone and M got upset.
Do you think M has right to be upset?
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If F took M's phone without permission that is stealing to me. If F deleted things off it? That is tampering with stolen property. M could be mad at F for doing that.

M could say "Please don't take my things and mess with them. If something bothers you, TALK to me. Not steal my stuff and tamper with it. That is not respectful."

I think F could apologize for taking the phone and deleting things. Then rather than get too hung up on the phone? I think both could take it as opportunity to better calibrate their meaning of "Closed."

For closing relationship what is your suggestions of moving forward? Is it a slow decrease and let off from all those sites or shall it be cut off completely? M feels tinder is harmless but F doesn't like it as finds tinder to be only for flirting.
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F & M seem to agree they are Closing. That means in the "process of Closing" to me -- not yet done.

They do not seem to be on the same page for what "Closed" now means. It seems more talk is needed.

F seems to count "flirting with others" as an Open behavior that she wants M to stop doing.

M doesn't seem to count "Flirting" as Open. To M it is harmless fun. Where it is happening right now is online -- but M could flirt in real life. They could talk about the flirting thing and clarify what "Open" behaviors are and what "Closed" behaviors are in their relationship.

  • Do online profiles count?
  • Do Playboys under the mattress?
  • Flirting with the barista when getting morning coffee?
  • How Closed is Closed to them? Flirt all you want, but don't date or have sex with people? Or no flirting either?
  • And do they both agree on this definition of Closed? These are the behaviors both will uphold?

Then they could talk about how long a time to do all the tasks to arrive at Closed.
  • Closing accounts.
  • Breaking up with people.
  • Cleaning closets and getting rid of things.
  • Changing behaviors - some of those take time to become new habits.

There is no one right way to do it.

But I would refrain from taking each other's possessions and messing with them.

I can't be asking someone to respect my boundaries when I'm not respecting theirs. Taking other people's things is not respecting their boundaries.

Galagirl
 
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When our first poly relationship with another couple ended I and my husband had become monogamous married couple. Neither of us forced other to change the status of our marriage. It was a mutual decision.

We did what any newlywed monogamous couple would do. We knew our past. We didn't bring our past relationships to present unless it was necessary. I cleaned my closet and he did his.

Privacy was and is not an issue between us. But we respected and respect each others' privacy. Now I have two other men in my life. I talk about them with him and sometime he asks about them. But he doesn't cross that invisible line we set without exchanging a single word.

Trust, respect and communication are some very important tools in any relationship.
 
I think it basically comes down to a misunderstanding on what 'closed' means.

Both M and F have a right to be upset. Flirting with women on Tinder isn't what I'd call monogamous behaviour, and violating the privacy of the phone isn't great either.

But it does not really matter what was right or wrong, because there isn't really a right or wrong here at all. What matters is that this conflict has highlighted something important: What does 'closed' mean in our relationship?

Therefore, it's time for M and F to sit down and talk about what closed means.

I personally do not think Tinder is harmless in a monogamous/closed relationship. It may start as harmless, but if M becomes frustrated over time with the relationship being closed, it could become harmful quickly.

If M does not want to give up Tinder, M must decide whether Tinder is more important than the relationship with F.

Also, M should not agree to close the relationship if he is not truly in agreement: making the agreement means knowing exactly what is expected and sticking to it. Compromise of some kind could be made here.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Interesting take on this, but do you think it is a realistic expectation to tell a guy he can never see a picture of a boob again? Boundaries are one thing, controlling bullshit is another.
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I totally don't think it's realistic at all. I was just making explicit the sacrifice he's expected to make to "save" the relationship. She's willing to walk away, so it's all up to him to go to unrealistic extremes to make it happen.
 
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