What have I gotten myself into?

In our state the age of consent law has a "Romeo and Juliet" clause. So that a person who is Senior in high school is not charged with statuatory rape if he is dating someone who is a Sophmore etc.
Oh yes dinged, I have thought about that many times. For instance, if she had a child, and hubby had done something like that to her kid, she probably would have called the police immediately. Hubby would be considered a disgusting pervert by all.

I am afraid of the counseling thing, because I have very little credibility in the real world with my alternate life style and all. I am afraid that I would get a do gooder therapist who found their legal responsibility to report the crime enhanced by the fact that I am poly-bi. So still working on it. Plus, I know my boy and he is going to resist it. It seems to me that I need to get them some help.
I understand your fear and reluctance, however you have a responsibility as a parent and as the person who brought this women into their lives. Are you afraid of legal action be taken against the women? Or are you afraid of putting your family and extended family through such an embarrassing and traumatic ordeal?

My suggestion would be to find a lawyer and discuss those fears. They know therapists, and people who can at least guide you on how to proceed or what warning signs to look for ...as far as behavior from the boys.
Pressing charges against someone who has victimized you sexually can be empowering or it can be a nightmare. Not everyone needs or wants that type of closure (not that closure is ever a given in these cases, as many times the perpetrator gets off), and for some it can be more traumatizing than the original abuse, especially if it becomes a big public affair or drags on for years. It's a very individual decision for the person who had been wronged.

Now, this is a difficult situation because the person who was abused is not an adult. Polly does indeed have a responsibility to decide what's best for him. But I think all of the above should be taken into consideration before assuming that a court case will necessarily help her son.

On the other hand, it might help other young men -- if the ex gets labeled as a sex offender, it'll be harder for her to get into such a position again.

Tough, tough call.
I was not suggesting anyone press charges. I was talking about her responsibility for the mental health of the boys ...that's it. Whats done is done ...if punishment was the goal or their was a pattern or multiple victims and a concern it would happen to others I could see the dilemma someone faced with those choices. I don't think that's the case here. It sounds to me like she afraid what the "system" may do on its own....and that things may spin further out of control. And I get that...and it could be a legitimate concern. However I'm sure there are ways around that. But you won't know unless you ask the right people the right questions. Bottom line she'd be asking for help for 1 or 2 young boys...

All that being said I don't think the solution is to do nothing because it maybe embarrassing and hope it all works out in the end. I think she knows that and is she's just over whelmed right now.

I wish you and your family the best of luck in this troubling time. D
I was not suggesting anyone press charges. I was talking about her responsibility for the mental health of the boys ...that's it. Whats done is done ...if punishment was the goal or their was a pattern or multiple victims and a concern it would happen to others I could see the dilemma someone faced with those choices. I don't think that's the case here. It sounds to me like she afraid what the "system" may do on its own....and that things may spin further out of control. And I get that...and it could be a legitimate concern. However I'm sure there are ways around that. But you won't know unless you ask the right people the right questions. Bottom line she'd be asking for help for 1 or 2 young boys...

All that being said I don't think the solution is to do nothing because it maybe embarrassing and hope it all works out in the end. I think she knows that and is she's just over whelmed right now.

^^ This.
Wow Pollyshari. I feel for you. When you first posted you said you miss what you had and miss her, yet she violated your family and especially your son. I can't imagine what it might feel like to have those two conflicting feelings inside. My heart goes out to you.

I have a boy too, 8, when my bf and I were in serious NRE he was accused of such things that happened to your child by my parents. They got our family doctor involved and a whole production of proving he wasn't being harmed happened. It was really hard on all of us, but at least it wasn't true and that has been proven.

I have a son that would also not be willing to go to therapy. He has a really hard time talking about his feelings. We have worked hard to instil the importance of doing so, as I am sure you have also.

I am thinking back to the time that we went through the accusations put on my bf and remember that I had decided that if there was ever a reason to send him to therapy that I would find someone suitable, make an appointment for myself and that person first so as to explain something of the situation and that my boy would likely be unapproachable. Then I would let him know that the opportunity is available at any time to talk about it with this person and/or to take it to the police (he has evidence that should be kept safe too btw). Then I think I would leave it in his hands and let him know that I will be revisiting it in a set amount of time to see where he is at.

My brother was violated by a man when he was young and he didn't do anything about it. He told know one. He told me as an adult and let me know that he finally let the police know in our home town. He dealt with that all on his own and got to a place where he was able to have some release.

Its maybe not over yet. Your boy might some day do something about what happened. At the very least he knows that you are there to walk with him in that journey if he so chooses. I think that is very courageous of you. I commend the job you've done so far.

What will you do as far as being poly now? I can imagine it will be very difficult to invite anyone new into your life for a long time. Are you processing that at the moment?
WOW, RP you are truly an advocate for the cause.....how or why would anyone being thinking of their poly future at a time like this. What good would come from such processing with these other balls in the air. Are you not seeing the big picture here.....aside from how it might disrupt the poly side of things.

Here's quick thought ...less thinking about poly and more thinking about the health of 2 young boys
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I do realize as a mother that I need to help him find resources to work this out. I feel terribly guilty for bringing this woman into my life, and my son's life. I keep telling myself that with all of the love that I get from hubby and my boys, why did I need to bring anyone else into my family. I feel that I was selfish and greedy, how much love do I need? I am surrounded by love and people who won't hurt my kids so why did I even risk it? The flip side to that is, should I never make any new friends because I already have enough so why risk having anyone new around, cuz ya never know if they are the boogie man or not.

Pressing charges is something he doesn't want to do. Believe me, having her charged is something that I would do if it was only going to affect me. My anger and outrage toward her is very real. He told me that he doesn't want to go through the drama of it all BUT, if she caused problems for us in some way (as retaliation for throwing her to the curb) he would be willing to fight back to protect our family.

Right now, he just says that he wants to put it behind him...just move on. He doesn't understand the long term effect this can have on his own personal relationships in the future. Plus I wonder how guilty he feels for doing it with my lover, I am sure he feels responsible for my pain....so I didn't let him see it. All I let him see was how I love him, I never even suggested that he was culpable in anyway and that what SHE did was wrong, he was after all the victim not the perp.

My current plan of action is to keep researching and educating myself on the subject. Sharing some of what I find with him so he can learn also. Additionally, I am trying to find someone in the poly community in my area who can recommend a therapist who won't turn me in for being a pervert. Just one more thing that I can blame myself for....living a lifestyle that damages my credibility to the point that it is difficult to reach out and get help for my kids, after they have been damaged by MY choice to live an alternative life style. I don't want to make the problem worse by having a therapist decide that my home needs to be investigated by DCFS, can you imagine how awful my son would feel and how traumatic that would be for him?

My oldest son was molested about 22 years ago by a neighbor who he would sometimes hang out with while I was at the grocery store or something. I was a young single mom and when it came to getting help from the police they completely failed me. They did not do the proper investigation which requires them to notify DCFS so that DCFS can conduct the interview since they are trained to deal with small children. After getting no where with the police I called DCFS to get help with finding him a counselor. That is when DCFS told me that the detective should never have interviewed my child himself. DCFS called me back after talking to the detective and the first thing he asked was if I had ever been molested, my answer was no and then he told me that he doesn't think my child will need counseling. WTF??? I was only 21 at the time and was blown away. DCFS had just told me the detective didn't follow procedure and now I am being questioned as to whether or not I was ever molested? And you don't think my son needs help. SO, you don't believe me, well I am a young single mom after all.

I was working and going to school at the time and living in subsidized housing. Without the help of the authorities to tell the property that I needed to be transferred to a different facility the only way I could remove my son from the situation was to stop attending college, work more and find a non-subsidized apartment. That is exactly what I did. I called the detective about 4 weeks later to find out what was going on and he told me that my neighbor, the perp, told him that I watched porno's, WITH MY SON. This was the 80's, many people didn't own VCR's and I certainly did not have one. No cable TV either and since I didn't have a car it wasn't real convenient for me to travel out of state to buy porn where it was legal. But apparently that was good enough for the cops. So, I don't always see the authorities as my friends.

Yes I was living in government funded housing, but unlike many who lived there I was working and attending college, so I could get the hell out of there and make a better life for myself and my child. To the police I had no credibility, I was just another crack head or something to them.[Not that crack head's deserve to be violated and then have the authorities ignore it]. All I needed them to do was acknowledge that it was a possibility that it had happened and that they had recommended that I move, I could have just been moved into another low income facility that I could afford without dropping out of college. You can see why I don't trust the authorities to have my back on this.

I know what my responsibility as a momma bear is. Actually it is just natural instinct. That is why my immediate response was to STOP all relationship with her without a second thought, and not let my panic get the best of me. Hubby helped me think clearly and develop a plan to get her out of our lives completely before telling her that I knew so that hopefully she wouldn't have a chance to try to talk to my son and further mess with his head.
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DH, Polly brought up the subject herself above in her first posts about this topic. RP was not out of line, and I don't think Polly was either. I think it's natural when someone has hurt you and your family to ask yourself -- could I ever make myself, and us, vulnerable like that again? Of course Polly's first thoughts are and should be for her kids but doesn't mean it's selfish or unhealthy to wonder about how she will take this tragic event and let it, or not let it, shape her personal life and future.
My first concern was for his welfare and his emotions. It has been 10 weeks since it all came down and it was only recently that started to put energy into thinking about my own loss and my own poly future.
Another way to think about it. If this was a spirituality blog and Polly's son had been molested by their priest, would it be inappropriate for her, or us, to wonder whether or not she will some day return to the faith? No. It would be if there was no talk of her son's well-being but that's certainly not the case. And RP was in no way pressuring or pushing her, just wondering.

Polly, I imagine the guilt will take a long time to fade. :( Just keep remembering that this happens to people in all sorts of life situations and that she is in every way the one who was wrong -- not him, as you realize, but also not you. No one ever suspects that someone who they love, and who claims to love them, could be capable of such a thing.
Two years and five years are vastly different amounts of time when you're a teen. Five years is far from "slight" at that age. And rape is rape is rape even if you're the same age.

Actually, no, rape is not rape, no matter what. In theory, sure, but not in reality. 5 yrs means NOTHING if both are under-age. It would take 'headlines' to get attention on such a issue.
All it takes is a minor learning disability, or some sort of diagnosed issue, coupled with being a minor, and the person is off the hook scott-free. Cops don`t want to touch that with a 10 ft pole.
Even if it was planned, even if the molester/rapist had an air of authority over the younger victim.

This is something I have had to deal with as a parent many years ago, and again this year. It has been dealt with in 2 different provinces, ( legally), as well as police involvement in an American State.

I can understand pollyshari`s hesitancy over involving the police.
SG, I want to continue this conversation but don't want to derail Polly's thread, so I'll post a little later on my blog.
Well I guess the wow is on the other foot. All my comments were made under the impression this was a more recent event. Learning it's 10 weeks old I completely retract my statement to RP I was out of line.

And I get how uncooperative teenagers can be...and their natural instinct or bury things.....I really do. So I'm sensitive to your problem.

I know it easy for me to say but I'll say it anyway ....forget the guilt its a waste of energy....use that energy to move forward...use that energy to heal yourself and family.

Good luck
I was wondering why the reaction dinged... Do you honestly believe that poly is all I have going on in life that I would make it my "cause." LOL :D Apology accepted... I'm flabbergasted, but...accepted.

I was imagining you felt guilty polly. I have at times over silly little things like feeling super happy about what I have, but if something happened to my child it would take years to trust anyone again in my life enough to allow them in to my family and into my heart. I don't think poly's the issue at all really, it could of been a mono situation. Some people are just not healthy. I'm glad you have good people around you and that's enough right now. As it should be. I'm sure that given time you will be able to trust again.

I don't have much faith in the policing system either, but I do in therapists and counselors when they are good ones. It might set a good example to go to one yourself. Or at least talk it up a bit. You're right, he likely doesn't understand the ramifications of how what has happened can effect him in the future.

I hope you find people to be around you who are open minded, understanding, empathetic and non-judgmental.
Thanks guys!

DH, I knew that must have missed some of what I had posted early on,;) So I simply restated it. I know you are right about the guilt thing, and I am working on it. Especially because I know that even though I don't openly express it around the house doesn't mean son can't sense it, and blames himself for my discomfort. He is actually quite sensitive, just as his father is, and they both deal with it by acting tough.

Hubby comes off a little rough around the edges but he is a marsh mellow teddy bear. The people who are closest to him know this about him. I was on vacation with one of my sisters a few months ago and she told me this story that happened about 15 years ago when she was going through a divorce. She had been spending a lot of time our house and one day she was kind of in a funk and mopey. He said to her, "hey, do ya need anything for your new apartment?" She thought for a minute and suggested that she needed something for the kitchen (I think it was a dish strainer). So he put her in the car and took her to the home improvement store. It was really no big deal but it kinda got her out of the slump. As she finished the story she got teary eyed and said, "I finally got him, he is intuitive and compassionate, I finally understood why you love him......But he is still an asshole". We both went from crying to laughing. He can really be an ass when he wants to. The rest of the weekend every time I would say something good about him she would say he was an ass and we would both giggle.

Back on track now, I also appreciate your expression of urgency to address his emotional needs. I am stuck and overwhelmed and straight talk advice from someone who is removed from the situation has more clarity than the insanity going on inside my head right now.

To you all, thanks for input and perspective. I especially liked Anna's analogy about the priest. This situation doesn't necessarily mean that I have to boycott this part of who I am. I have thought many times that this could and does happen, even if it is a neighbor, clergy, teacher, or a partner in a mono relationship.

We can't all just board up and hide inside, never letting any one in. Wouldn't that look funny, all of these people living solitary lives in their little fortresses. Only going out for supplies and to work, but keeping a safe distance and nothing but minimal interaction. LOL:rolleyes:
Ever since my relationship with her ended, there has been something missing. I wish.......

I don't even know where to start again. How do I start again? There aren't many like minded people in my world. People around here are afraid of this kind of love. Maybe they should be. I wish I could create or find a new love.