If I may ask, what was this like for Elijah? Was he seeing other people? Did he ever express being stressed out by being your only ‘partner’ in that sense? Did you practice anything that made it easier for him? I’m guessing that you lived far away enough from each other that getting overwhelmed wasn't as much of a problem. Is that case?
Thanks for the questions, Faerie Targaryen!
Elijah was totally happy with our relationship. He is an extreme extrovert, very sexual and kinky, and he dated many other people throughout the 12 years of our relationship. His other relationships ranged from casual to serious and everything in between (but no other serious relationship that lasted more than about 2 years). He also maintains many friendships with exes and has friendships that sometimes involve sex but other times are platonic, and kinky play partners, etc. He also had a platonic domestic partner/roommate/best friend person for many years. He identifies as a relationship anarchist. He is the kind of person with the free time and energy to maintain 3 or 4 steady relationships at once.
I lived almost 2 hours away from Elijah for the entirety of our relationship. Living separately gave us both the autonomy we thrive on, never having to navigate having dates over in a shared space, etc. I saw Elijah every other weekend (from Friday night to Sunday night) for 9 years, then for one full week every 4-5 weeks for 3 years after the pandemic/after Elijah bought a large house.
Elijah always encouraged me to date other people, but I genuinely never had time and rarely had any interest. I am very independent so I did a lot of things without Elijah, such as vacations and visiting friends. I never regarded Elijah as needing to fulfill all of my needs. I did plan to seek a second poly partner in the future after I no longer had to care for my father (my dad had Parkinson's with a very long progression) and/or if I ever moved closer to Elijah and could therefore balance my time better without traveling so much.
He did not feel pressure as my only partner because I didn't really ask much of him. I don't really experience sexual jealousy, and Elijah was always a loving, attentive partner to me who was available to me as much as I wanted. The only point of conflict we had is that he hates family stuff and he was very reluctant to do things like Christmas with my family. He mentioned several times that he'd really prefer me to find another poly partner who was into family stuff and Christmas. I found that frustrating because I genuinely had no time to date others unless I reduced how often I was seeing him; nor would I want to seek out someone new just for one particular relationship need! Elijah was willing to do some family events with me because it made me happy, but eventually it made me feel lonely and it was a major incompatibility.
Another frustration I had was that Elijah often seemed dismissive of a few things I wanted to try sexually that he wasn't super into. Frustrating for me because he was into literally EVERYTHING else and my requests were quite mild. He was great at never pressuring me sexually--his belief is that non-monogamy is a great solution to partners having different sex drives or different kink interests. I agree with that in theory, but since I lacked the time and energy to date anyone else, I just had to live without a few things I wanted. In the meanwhile, Elijah and I were definitely sexually compatible and we had 12 years of great sex--but there were things I missed in my sex life that Elijah didn't have any interest in. (Meanwhile, he got all his sexual needs met with a collage of other partners). I began to feel exactly the way LoveBunny described:
LoveBunny said:
One thing I disliked about my last foray into poly was how I felt like it stifled the variety within us as a couple. Instead of exploring the multitude ways of being between the two of us, he sought his variety without instead of within.
So, I never found a solution to that. Now with my new partner Rick, I am trying to figure out if I want to be monogamous long-term or not.
Despite his active other dating life, Elijah always wanted to see me more often than I was available to see him (between the distance and my job and my family caretaking). He always talked about wanting a future in which we would live near other, such as me living in a guest house or mother-in-law apartment on his property, or him helping me buy my own little house in his area. (Financially, I could not afford to move near him totally on my own even though I would have been happy living on my own).
However, we broke up earlier this year, ultimately because of finally figuring out that we were not compatible for that long-term plan. Elijah didn't have any concrete plans for how I would move near him, or any awareness of how much I would be giving up about my established life 2 hours away from him. (There were other reasons also, centering around Elijah's worsening mental health and a destructive other relationship he started last year and that he is still heartbroken about, as well as Elijah's lack of empathy or interest in my career goals).
Elijah and I are trying to transition to a friendship. Our breakup was largely amicable and I don't regret our relationship and am not angry at him. It was just time for me to live my life more on my own terms without planning for a future that was never arriving.
I am pretty happy in my life without Elijah. I am dating Rick, who is mostly monogamous and is more compatible with me in many ways. However, I am struggling now with wanting to be poly again, because now I have the free time and desire to date more than one person. But Rick would struggle with that. So, kind of ironic in that it is a complete reversal of my relationship with Elijah.
