What is holding people back from trying out poly?

[Ariakas]

Unstable in the sense of how most people see polyamory, following only their ego, or if they keep on dating.

I found that a balanced network of love relationships is actually very stable in itself if everyone does their inner work and supports everyone else within that network. Like a interconnected mycelia network.

I agree.. if you can get to that stage. "if they keep on dating" is the crux. Many folks (at least in my outer circle) dont ever stop. Either always searching for more NRE, or .. something.

Its rare to find folks who are at peace with what they have

Thats been my hardest reconciliation to be honest. And a big part of my jealousy. Collectors...

 

[Ariakas]

Just the conversation turning to sex is a big ick for me when chatting up a guy. If I feel like that's what he's interested in I'll bounce. I'm cool with discussing safety/risk profiles but beyond that... nope. Not until we are actually going there. I've had the conversation turn to sex within 5 minutes of texting for the first time.

Glad you added the time limit. I admit a lot of my conversations turn to sex (I am a flirt) but it is with folks I have a rapport with. I dont just come out of the blue chatting about what I like to do haha...

Do guys actually do that?... haha

(Ironic I have had a couple of women do that in real life, one of my weirdest poly stories was I entered the room at a poly party and this woman who I had never met, ran up and jumped in my arms and exclaimed (in front of her mono hubby) "I will fuck this one"... she was baby poly and I was not interested. I dont mind forward but that was too forward haha)

 

[Albert Ross]

Regarding the question in the thread's title (assuming it wasn't rhetorical), my experience:

I didn't really become aware polyamory was a thing people did, as silly as that sounds in retrospect, until recently. Like a lot of things—kink, neurodivergence—having some kind of language or example that described what I felt like I wanted made it into something I could actually try to practice, as opposed to feeling like "well, I'm just a weirdo who can't be happy being normal like everyone else..."

Conventions are powerful things. Realizing there are not actually very many rules for how one must live is difficult, because that you must live a certain way is itself conventional.

 

[Trying2]

Moving from a mono marriage to a poly marriage is frightening because the outcome is unknown other than your relationship will be changed. Fear of losing your spouse or being unsuccessful at attracting new partners are legitimate concerns. Many men I know struggled mightily to date which probably played a role in their decision to marry. Going back to those days of rejection and low self-esteem is not an enticing thought, especially if your wife is having the time of her life with the new guys

 

[Bobbi]

Do guys actually do that?

Yep! Even worse the ones that go to sex quickly show their sexual knowledge card (porn knowledge, that is) by asking which porn fantasies he has that I do! Totally clueless that porn is entertainment. Unsolicited dick pics and requests for nudes are par for the course. It gets exhausting wondering if any decent men are left. I know there are but to find them is like a needle in a haystack. Most women put up with a bit of unwanted because "that's just how guys are". Those women might get quicker dates. But for those of us who expect more from a partner, it takes longer.

 

[Bobbi]

especially if your wife is having the time of her life with the new guys

Poly isn't easy at all. Each partner has to be dedicated to it regardless of who is dating whom. Maybe she has lots of partners early on but nobody serious then he meets someone 2 years in and they fall madly in love. Unknown scenarios are hard and the work is hard. Both people need to understand this isn't about the fun of having multiple partners. I think too many get into poly for the wrong reasons.

 

[Bobbi]

Going back to those days of rejection and low self-esteem is not an enticing thought, especially if your wife is having the time of her life with the new guys

This person shouldn't agree to be poly. This sounds like a poly bomb situation that should have been shut down without question. Nobody should get into poly because their partner suddenly wants to date others. Nope.

 

[Ariakas]

Yep! Even worse the ones that go to sex quickly show their sexual knowledge card (porn knowledge, that is) by asking which porn fantasies he has that I do! Totally clueless that porn is entertainment. Unsolicited dick pics and requests for nudes are par for the course. It gets exhausting wondering if any decent men are left. I know there are but to find them is like a needle in a haystack. Most women put up with a bit of unwanted because "that's just how guys are". Those women might get quicker dates. But for those of us who expect more from a partner, it takes longer.

Wow wow wow..

I think i did say this before about dick pics, I phrased it poorly in the past.. but the solution to the dick pic problem is 100 percent of people receiving them telling them they don't work.

An example of where it works. My sis in law has literally hooked up with guys on tinder because of dick pics. So those guys will forever send dick pics unsolicited because they work.

(Hopefully I phrased the scenario better this time. Last time rereading I came across like a douche bag.. haha.. going on 19 hours of travel so English is failing me)

It's a sad state.

As for good men left. They are around. We likely don't have the courage to make the first move so we sit on those apps complaining no one wants us because we try 1000 likes to get 2 responses. They are out there. I know a few. Haha

Result of online dating vs real life. The vanity problem vs communication. Dating today imho is beyond brutal compared to when I was in my 20s. I miss the initial physical interaction that makes flirting and dating fun. My confidence in person is much different than online.

 

[Ariakas]

Poly isn't easy at all. Each partner has to be dedicated to it regardless of who is dating whom. Maybe she has lots of partners early on but nobody serious then he meets someone 2 years in and they fall madly in love. Unknown scenarios are hard and the work is hard. Both people need to understand this isn't about the fun of having multiple partners. I think too many get into poly for the wrong reasons.

Yes..

 

[Magdlyn]

Just the conversation turning to sex is a big ick for me when chatting up a guy. If I feel like that's what he's interested in I'll bounce. I'm cool with discussing safety/risk profiles but beyond that... nope. Not until we are actually going there. I've had the conversation turn to sex within 5 minutes of texting for the first time.

Haha back in my heyday with OK Cupid, I would have an offer of sex be their first message. No waiting for 5 minutes. After their offer of sex, then they'd ask if I would be including my female nesting partner in the sex as well. In other words, they weren't looking for a relationship. They wanted sex, with one woman or with two, strangers to them that we were. Anonymous sex and then bye bye. That's oh so wonderful male attention we women get that poly men seem to think is so great. We might get dozens of those offers a week. Lovely!

I can't even imagine how many offers of sex young very pretty women get. Could be 100 a week. On Fetlife it seems they could get 1000 a week. Screening those messages and discarding most, hunting for one or two offers from actually nice, datable men who wanted an actual relationship, was a part time job. Even me, in my 50s (decent looking), would screen and discard 20 messages for every one that had potential. Out of these, whom I would message back and chat with, maybe one in a dozen would seem worth going on a first date with. Out of those first dates, maybe one in five would get a second date. Out of those second dates, maybe one would end up becoming an actual dating partner...

Whew. Math.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree.. if you can get to that stage. "if they keep on dating" is the crux. Many folks (at least in my outer circle) dont ever stop. Either always searching for more NRE, or .. something.

Its rare to find folks who are at peace with what they have

Thats been my hardest reconciliation to be honest. And a big part of my jealousy. Collectors...

But it seems from how you've described the Vancouver "scene," and what I saw here back in the day when Red Pepper and her kind were very present on the board, there was a big crossover between "polyamorous" people and those who were more swinger types. Obviously swingers want more variety with a number of casual sex partners. I don't think a polyamorous person by definition is an NRE chaser who is constantly tiring of their partners and wanting something new and fresh. That seems to negate the "amour" part. If you love someone you generally want to keep them around. And with any research or experience, you can quickly learn the difference between love and NRE. People who just want NRE attention and sex are basically just players, not polyamorists, in my opinion. They might even be nothing more than narcissists, emotional vampires.

 

[Ariakas]

But it seems from how you've described the Vancouver "scene," and what I saw here back in the day when Red Pepper and her kind were very present on the board, there was a big crossover between "polyamorous" people and those who were more swinger types Obviously swingers want more variety with a number of casual sex partners. I don't think a polyamorous person by definition is an NRE chaser who is constantly tiring of their partners and wanting something new and fresh

And kink. Huge poly/kink cross over too.

That seems to negate the "amour" part. If you love someone you generally want to keep them around. And with any research or experience, you can quickly learn the difference between love and NRE. People who just want NRE attention and sex are basically just players, not polyamorists, in my opinion. They might even be nothing more than narcissists, emotional vampires.

That's fair...

 

[Magdlyn]

This person shouldn't agree to be poly. This sounds like a poly bomb situation that should have been shut down without question. Nobody should get into poly because their partner suddenly wants to date others. Nope.

In response to:

Going back to those days of rejection and low self-esteem is not an enticing thought, especially if your wife is having the time of her life with the new guys.

I don't know Trying2 very well, but I wonder if he's talking about himself. I did mention having good self esteem and confidence being a big benefit to successful dating. It helps to work on yourself before dating rather than expecting dating to be a self-esteem booster.

After all, this "wife" may be getting laid a lot, not because she's popular ("having the time of her life?") but because her vagina is popular. There's much more to a good poly partner than just some casual sex. I mean, it's nice to be wooed, to have a guy's attention, to get a free dinner, to have him be all nice and everything, when all he really wants is some casual sex for a couple of months and then his attention wanders. So many men who say they are poly are either just players (NRE junkies, or horny commitment-phobes), or they are mono and just treating poly women as receptacles to cum in until they find someone they want to marry.

I only ever wanted two poly partners, one man and one woman. (The right masc-presenting woman, feminine man, or non-binary person would also have worked.) I soon found a woman who wanted a serious, loving, deep, supportive relationship. It took me from 2009 til 2020 to find the right man. In the meantime I met so many men who just wanted FWBs, and a couple who did love me but weren't really of the caliber I required. (They cared about me, but were too busy to provide me with enough time, or they loved me but were kind of... broken and needed to work on themselves, basically just wanted me to be their life raft.) I never wanted to date more than two people at a time. And I wanted someone who would be in it for the long haul, a lifetime partner.

 

[Bobbi]

Haha back in my heyday with OK Cupid, I would have an offer of sex be their first message. No waiting for 5 minutes. After their offer of sex, then they'd ask if I would be including my female nesting partner in the sex as well. In other words, they weren't looking for a relationship. They wanted sex, with one woman or with two, strangers to them that we were. Anonymous sex and then bye bye. That's oh so wonderful male attention we women get that poly men seem to think is so great. We might get dozens of those offers a week. Lovely!

I can't even imagine how many offers of sex young very pretty women get. Could be 100 a week. On Fetlife it seems they could get 1000 a week. Screening those messages and discarding most, hunting for one or two offers from actually nice, datable men who wanted an actual relationship, was a part time job. Even me, in my 50s (decent looking), would screen and discard 20 messages for every one that had potential. Out of these, whom I would message back and chat with, maybe one in a dozen would seem worth going on a first date with. Out of those first dates, maybe one in five would get a second date. Out of those second dates, maybe one would end up becoming an actual dating partner...

Whew. Math.

Yep. I'm right with ya there!

 

[Bobbi]

As for good men left. They are around. We likely don't have the courage to make the first move so we sit on those apps complaining no one wants us because we try 1000 likes to get 2 responses. They are out there. I know a few. Haha

I luckily found one...he is now my life partner so yes, I know they are out there and I found one who was also open to forming a more primary relationship if it worked out that way (didn't have any other partners at the time, so I know those exist too!)

 

[Ariakas]

Aw

I luckily found one...he is now my life partner so yes, I know they are out there and I found one who was also open to forming a more primary relationship if it worked out that way (didn't have any other partners at the time, so I know those exist too!)

Awesome. sounds lovely.

 

[Trying2]

This person shouldn't agree to be poly. This sounds like a poly bomb situation that should have been shut down without question. Nobody should get into poly because their partner suddenly wants to date others. Nope.

It is funny how different men's and women's perceptions of the other's dating experience can be. Dating for most men I knew was a torturous experience with loads of rejection. I think this is one of the reasons mono marriage is the dominant relationship paradigm - dating is so unpleasant for most men that they marry to be free of it.

 

[Magdlyn]

It is funny how different men's and women's perceptions of the other's dating experience can be. Dating for most men I knew was a torturous experience with loads of rejection. I think this is one of the reasons mono marriage is the dominant relationship paradigm - dating is so unpleasant for most men that they marry to be free of it.

Dating is unpleasant for men because they lack the qualities that make them datable. Please see my list above. Men seem to think if they have the vocabulary of a third grader and a working penis, that they're datable. I guess that's because if that's all they've got, it's because they think a female partner with a third grade vocab and a working vagina is all they need? After all, there was/is a stereotype that men found stupidity attractive in women. Men with low self esteem and a poor quality personality/grooming strategy/job will prefer a stupid woman who will fuck anything that crosses her path, especially if all he has to do is throw a few bucks her way. I've been on dates with a guy who talked a great game in text, and because he bought me dinner, he absolutely expected me to "put out" on our first date, or at least promise a second date.

One of these first date guys actually flirted with our waitress. But in the most cringe way possible. He was a white guy. She had more melanin. He first told her he liked her lipstick color. Then he asked her "Where are you from?" She replied with the name of a local town. Then he said, "No, where are you FROM?" Like... trying to get her to say which country her family originally came from? It was so embarrassing. I looked out the window and wished a hole would open up under me to sink into.

These kinds of men aren't even taking women to shows and concerts, btw. I would add "Interested in going to shows, concerts, museums, events, doing outdoor activities" to my list of what makes men interesting and seem datable.

People still meet others at real life events. Only lazy people rely solely on dating apps to find dates. Dating apps are getting the rep of just being a place for all genders to maybe score a one night hookup anyway. Poly people meet each other at events, nerdy things like Renn Faires, or comic conventions, kink skill classes, Pride events, etc. And munches. My bf is currently dating a woman he met at a kink/poly munch. You can also branch out to Fetlife, to find events, read profiles, comment on pictures or writings of ocal poly women who aren't swamped with fans, join discussion groups and comment there. Make friends. Sometimes a friend of a friend is your best bet for a dating partner.

 

[Ariakas]

It is funny how different men's and women's perceptions of the other's dating experience can be. Dating for most men I knew was a torturous experience with loads of rejection. I think this is one of the reasons mono marriage is the dominant relationship paradigm - dating is so unpleasant for most men that they marry to be free of it.

Interesting.

I generally disagree. While poly dating hasn't been easy. I have always enjoyed dating. I still love meeting new people and interacting and the act of the pick up. In person I can use charm, charisma and my language to impress.

Online dating since the only functional element is vanity.

In fact.. most men I know love dating. And I also know slews of success poly daters too. (I don't happen to be one because of the online thing).

So.. I dont align with what you are saying and I am a CIS male. Most of my guy friends dated to run away from marriage and literally, and eventually got caught. (Not to be sexist and rude)

Your experience sounds entirely opposite to everything I have encountered (excluding this new online dating world which is .. weird)

 

[Ariakas]

Dating is unpleasant for men because they lack the qualities that make them datable. Please see my list above. Men seem to think if they have the vocabulary of a third grader and a working penis, that they're datable.

Hahaha .

People still meet others at real life events. Only lazy people rely solely on dating apps to find dates. Dating apps are getting the rep of just being a place for all genders to maybe score a one night hookup anyway. Poly people meet each other at events, nerdy things like Renn Faires, or comic conventions, kink skill classes, Pride events, etc. And munches.

Yep all of these. Munches, poly meetups, kink clubs.. the challenge there for most of the new age men I see is they don't know how to talk to a woman without forcibly flirting. Desperation reeks from them and they scare folks off.

You need (you know this mags this is the proverbial you) to talk to them like a person, interests and align on something tangible before soft asking for coffee or a number.

Too many guys can't make the first move, or just whip their dick out.

Fuck I love dating.. I love meeting new people I love .. it all.. hahaha .