What Is Love?

River

River

Well-known member
What Is Love?

This seems to be the central "philosophical" question at the heart of any interesting conversation about polyamory.

Of course, one can begin to answer this question by first making distionctions among various kinds or types of love, e.g., "romantic," platonic, etc.

Even "romantic" love is sometimes said to be sometimes non-sexual -- though still passionate. So definitions tend to spring out in all directions.

Some folks immediately want to get into chemistry (in the very literal sense of biochemistry), biology, brain science, neuroscience..., but this tends toward the ridiculously reductionist much of the time ... and often seems to redraw "the human experience" as something more protoplasmic than poetic. I hope this conversation will avoid that path, somehow.

So... What is love?


_____________

This article may stimulate your thinking on the topic:

We Are What We Love: How Polyamory Can Change the World for the Better.
Krystal Baugher
Via Krystal Baugher on Sep 24, 2013
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013...olyamory-can-change-the-world-for-the-better/
 
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Sounds a bit desperate.

The answer to that question will not be possible without taking this area (brain science) out of the question. You have your ratio, your associative brain, your ancient brain stem and also your limibic/hormonal system. All four parts play a major role in this quetion. If you narrow your view from the beginning you won't find an answer.
 
This is a subject I would love to talk about a bunch. Right now I have two working definitions that I use for love.

1) Love-as-action: This is the type of love that I try to embody and give to everyone around me. It means showing loving behavior through being ethical, honest, and kind, as well as being able to set reasonable boundaries for myself. I see this as a kind of universal love and spiritual love, and even if I can't have something I want from someone (sex, time, etc.), I try to act out of love by respecting their boundaries and appreciating the experiences I get to have with them, or by giving them space because we do not blend well.

2) Love-as-feeling: This is the more intoxicating, passion-driven love. This is the thing that has me walking on sunshine and stuff. It tends to come with attachment. I try not to let it interfere with my love-as-action, although it is incredible when the two coexist. My capacity for love-as-feeling seems to fluctuate based on whether I've been recently hurt, and generally is something I feel a little more skittish dealing with.
 
You know it when you see it, and if you have to ask, then it's not.
 
This is an interesting question for me because my "definition" of or maybe my "threshold" for love has really shifted quite a bit lately. I had this sort of blind loyalty mixed with tenderness and history for my husband of 25 years who recently cheated (we were mono) and left me for the OW. I feel like I can't ever have that again, not by choice but just by impossibility. At the same time, I'm exploring this solo poly thing and in a way that seems to lower the threshold in the sense that I am freer to love because loving one doesn't cut me off from loving others. While I have had some really intense loving feelings for three of my partners since the breakup, I don't think I can say that I am "in love" with any of them. Maybe I will know it when I see it.
 
Love is when you get close enought to hurt, but you don't. Came to think of this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhrBDcQq2DM

Love is like life itself, you want to able to take out the trash as well as look as the stars. It is safety and trust, exitement and exploration, being a family and being soulmates. And fuck as much as possible.

I love my two boys so dearly. I have many in my life that I care for a whole lot, but romantic/sexual love cuts to the core.

I had one relationship in the past where we both hurt each other, and one sort of relationship where even he thought he was too immature. But you learn. You have to take your shit and other people's shit seriously. Once in a while there will be upsetting things, and if not, things will boil under the surface and distroy the relationship from inside out. You got to shake things up once in a while. I was stupid and naive in my first, short marriage and I promised myself to never let things slide again.
 
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nycindie said:
I see love as a deep recognition of, appreciation for, and an unavoidable pull toward someone simply because they exist. It's like how gravity keeps planets in orbit around each other simply because they are there.
Click to expand...

I like that.

And it seems to be equally true whether that love is "romantic" or "platonic" -- though it's no doubt usually an even stronger "pull" when there is erotic / sexual desire in the mix.

Still, I'm thinking that sometimes the pull can be (perhaps, nearly?) as strong in a very close "platonic" friendship -- or a friendship where there is not sexual desire in the mix. But perhaps it can be difficult to discern what precisely is going on?!? -- when the energy "pull" is strong. As a bi guy, I lack the advantage "gay" and "straight" folks have ... which allows one whole gender/sex to be out of the picture in this regard. hmm.
 
Besides the platonic and romantic categories, there is also:

  • love of humans and other animals,
  • love of things (a plant, a movie, a home, a hobby).
To sweep all of those categories together, I'd have to say that love is best defined as a kind of admiration and devotion.
 
nycindie said:
I see love as a deep recognition of, appreciation for, and an unavoidable pull toward someone simply because they exist. It's like how gravity keeps planets in orbit around each other simply because they are there.
Click to expand...

My experience is that it doesn't decay with the square of the distance between the bodies, though.
 
Peoples of a Different World
Anand Krishna
The Bali Times
http://www.californiabali.org/index.php/news-a-articles/articles-by-anand-krishna/94-admin20

Excerpt:

"Not too long ago, I faced a situation, when for the first time, I realised that to some people love and loins are inseparable. To them, lovemaking is the only possible expression of love. They cannot think of love as anything else other than the meeting of human genitals.

I have this habit of signing my books “with love” – always. Having done that for more than a decade, I faced a situation when even that line was being questioned. Thus, I was being projected as the perfect blend of Caligula and Casanova. ..."​
 
Re (from Post #13):
"Not too long ago, I faced a situation, when for the first time, I realised that to some people love and loins are inseparable."
Click to expand...

No such thing as platonic love? Weird.
 
kdt26417 said:
Re (from Post #13):


No such thing as platonic love? Weird.
Click to expand...

The more I learn about the topic, the more strange the English word "love" appears to be. It appears few (if any) non-English speaking cultures employ a single word to refer to so very many different experiences.

In many ways, the English word "love" seems the ideal candidate for demonstrating how fully language-specific our concepts are, as well as the experiences associated with those concepts. We who are so very used to the English word "love" probably have little sense of how unique the underlying assumption it carries really is. We somehow manage to "love" our favorite foods, books, movies..., friends, lovers, children, spouses, teachers, siblings.... And we lack specific words for specific kinds of "love" -- such as Greek and Hindi and Sanskrit (etc.) have. Yet we have this general, broad and rather vague thing: "love".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love
 
Perhaps Love (John Denver with Placido Domingo):

Perhaps love is like a resting place,
A shelter from the storm,
It exists to give you comfort,
It is there to keep you warm.
And in those times of trouble,
When you are most alone,
The memory of love will bring you home.

Perhaps love is like a window,
Perhaps an open door,
It invites you to come closer,
It wants to show you more.
And even if you lose yourself,
And don't know what to do,
The memory of love will see you through.

Oh, love to some is like a cloud,
To some as strong as steel,
For some a way of living,
For some a way to feel.
And some say love is holding on,
And some say letting go,
And some say love is everything,
And some say they don't know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean,
Full of conflict, full of pain,
Like a fire when it's cold outside,
Or thunder when it rains.
If I should live forever,
And all my dreams come true,
My memories of love will be of you.
 
Love is something that is difficult to explain given the vast definitions of the English word. I love my dog, I love my kids, I love my wife, I love my mother, and my mother in law. I also love sex, and love all people. Each of those loves is different from others. The English language doesn't distinguish between them. The Greek language has 8 different words associated with love. Each has a different meaning. Even the love between two partners can have multiple meanings. You can share passion, butterflies, friendship, and endorphins being released by touch or kind words and each of these is different, but when combined starts fireworks. But at the end of the day there are some things which appear to be present in all forms of love. It is unselfish, it values the other person, and it respects. Otherwise it's really just lust masquerading as love. Not that lust in moderation is a terrible thing, but it pales in comparison to love.
 
kdt26417 said:
Perhaps Love (John Denver with Placido Domingo):

Perhaps love is like a resting place,
A shelter from the storm,
It exists to give you comfort,
It is there to keep you warm.
And in those times of trouble,
When you are most alone,
The memory of love will bring you home.

Perhaps love is like a window,
Perhaps an open door,
It invites you to come closer,
It wants to show you more.
And even if you lose yourself,
And don't know what to do,
The memory of love will see you through.

Oh, love to some is like a cloud,
To some as strong as steel,
For some a way of living,
For some a way to feel.
And some say love is holding on,
And some say letting go,
And some say love is everything,
And some say they don't know.

Perhaps love is like the ocean,
Full of conflict, full of pain,
Like a fire when it's cold outside,
Or thunder when it rains.
If I should live forever,
And all my dreams come true,
My memories of love will be of you.
Click to expand...

....


Nice. Good contribution.
 
This actually made me squee out loud. Thanks!

I see love as a deep recognition of, appreciation for, and an unavoidable pull toward someone simply because they exist. It's like how gravity keeps planets in orbit around each other simply because they are there.
Click to expand...

My experience is that it doesn't decay with the square of the distance between the bodies, though.
Click to expand...
 
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