What is my next step?

S

Sheainla

New member
Hi everyone,

I apologize up front for this long message but I need help so if you have the time please read this.

I am hoping to be a regular on here depending on what happens and if the open relationship continues or if I end up leaving the relationship. I am a monogamous person trying to be in an open relationship with someone let's say her name is stephanie. We have been dating for two years and have never been exclusive even though I want to but I'm not forcing her. We are planning on having kids etc but she has never fully committed to me. This is the longest relationship she has had cause she's always just played and slept around so she thinks that not committing is helping her cause if she does she thinks our relationship will end.

I am trying to be patient but it's so hard. We have recently decided to try to do an open relationship. We have been communicating very well for the most part saying sleep overs are not allowed and not bring anyone one because it's our safe place.

The thing is we haven't ever been exclusive and she's slept with one girl when we first got together but mostly just flirts and calls people after meeting online or through other people and it never goes further cause she gets bored with them.

We haven't had the best sex life which she often blames on previously having mono but it's not that. She's very lazy in bed and doesn't like to give and she is perfectly content getting off through a vibrator. I have tried to get her turned on but she says I try too hard so I don't try anymore. We have sex with a strap on maybe once a month and she will go down on me for a mind once every couple of weeks. Her reasoning is that her previous girlfriends the sex was so hot and intense she just doesn't feel that way with me and anything we do is vanilla to her. I feel like sex has to be a porno to her and anything less she's not interested.

She tells me she's previously had girlfriends but has told them to date other people so she could too. She said she had great sexual connection with her last girlfriend but that's all it was and yet she still felt the urge to be with other people even though she didn't sleep with anyone. She says with me she feels a connection with everything else like family values things and things in common etc. but not a great sexual connection with me so she wants an open relationship to just have a steady sex buddy every now and then. I know she has enjoyed having sex with me in the past but it's not intense enough for her even though we have fun together. Yet what I can't fathom is she had hot sex with her previous girlfriend and was satisfied but still wanted to date other so obviously she just can't see herself with one person.

I know I am all over the place with this thread and not even getting to it yet. So now that we have an open relationship there was one girl that used to be a fuck buddy so I thought they would meet up but the girl is flaky it's all been talk. Stephanie has previously talked to girls but it has never gone further. We live together so when this happens she is always texting when laying in bed with her so I have all attention off me and this will last up to 2-3 months before she loses interest and not even sleeping with them or even have met them.

Well she met another girl a week ago and we went to breakfast together over the weekend and I had no idea stephanie or this girl were talking a week before that and I thought it was stephanie's friend that invited her in the first place. Well come to find out stephanie invited her so I ask if there was interest. She said no but I found out through mutual friends they were asking about each other. The other girl is in a exclusive relationship but we aren't so I called her out on it and was like why don't you just tell me there is interest when I ask. She told me she doesn't know what the interest is and if it turns into anything she will tell me. But I have to deal with her ignoring me every night texting this girl and just sitting on her phone all night while we watch television together.

Side note: she is really addicted to her phone so is on it alot talking to friends but when she finds someone to talk to it's so much worse and it makes me feel like I'm less interesting and she doesn't want to talk to me.

So she text me yesterday apologizing for upsetting me about the situation and that she will lose interest with this girl eventually like she does with all the others and not to worry. Then fast forward to being home and I knew she was talking to her again. I simply asked if you know you are losing interest why are you still talking to her. She got really mad and said I was being condescending with the comment and stopped talking to me the rest of the night.

I'm trying so hard to be supportive but I feel like I can't be open with my feelings about what she's doing. I asked her if there was a better way to ask and she just said I need to talk to a therapist about that.

Then this morning rolls around and she's texting me good morning and she loves me like nothing happened last night.

I am just at a loss at what to do. I will be seeing a therapist to get help too but I just always feel like it's me always messing up and I need to change my attitude.

What should be my next step? Should I just be ignoring her at night and let her do her thing? I don't know the rules of an open relationship so I don't know if I'm in the wrong and should be giving her space. It just feels like she wants to be single and with me so at night she just doesn't want to talk to me or touch me sometimes and act like she's just not with anyone. That's my feeling at least.

I just don't get it. Either sleep with this woman and get over it so I can see if I can deal with it. I get so much anxiety when I have to deal with her talking to other people. O feel like she needs S**t of get off the pott or just be with me. What is she looking for?? She says she thinks she can be in love with two people so maybe she's looking for that but if that's the case I wish she would tell me it's not just about sex.


I could go on and if you need more info let me know. I'm just gonna leave it at this for now.
 
Welcome Sheainla!

My first question is pretty basic:

What do you want?

I understand that we often aren't really sure. Or that we're scared of change or speaking up. We're scared that if we say what we want or need, the other person might get angry or leave the relationship and we'll be alone.

But it's very clear you aren't happy with Stephanie's behavior, and as long as you 'tolerate it' IE: don't speak up about what YOU need, and how YOU feel, she has absolutely no reason to change. You're silently accepting it. As a person who can easily slip into "Stephanie" mode, I can tell you, if the other person isn't complaining, I don't make much effort to change.

There are no rules to open/poly relationships

Rather, the relationship needs to be honest and forthright with both people considering the needs of the other. She isn't considering your needs. From the sexual side it looks like you've communicated and she just doesn't care. I also find the way she compares you to other girlfriends to be demeaning. I wouldn't ever do that with my partners. She seems to be saying "well you're the problem" rather than, "we have a problem with our connection/relationship that we need to work on".

If you want to remain with her you need to do a few things.

1. Decide if open relationship is for you. Can you be comfortable with what she's doing. You're not comfortable right now, and you're not ok with the amount of attention and affection you are getting.

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Your feelings are always valid. If your partner won't hear you out, invalidates them, or tries to twist things around and blame you, she isn't respecting you and your needs.

3. Figure out your boundaries and talk to your partner about them.

Basically, from your side, you're feeling used for pieces of the relationship and not receiving back what you need. The situation won't be resolved by ignoring it or letting it continue on.

Hope this helps! Sometimes just blogging can get stuff out.
 
Wow you are spot on with your analysis of my comments and so right about all of this. Thank you so much for responding and taking the time.

I had a conversation today with her and she's pretty much saying I'm pushing her away with me acting the way i am lately so she just wants space. Part of me wants to show her your response but I feel like it won't help and she'll dismiss it.

I have my first therapist appointment this Saturday so I'm hoping after a few sessions I can get her to come and they can talk to her and a professional can tell her. She has said she would be willing to join a session but that could just be talk. She also just said you want me to see a therapist just to prove I'm wrong and you're right which is not the correct thing to do. She has a big ego and she even knows she's hypocritical and can do certain things but she has changed a lot since we've met on some things. She never provided oral sex before and does now so that's nice so she's trying to the best of her ability I guess. She's great at giving advice to other couples though. Go figure..

So my next step is to just give her space and just kind of ignore her for a minute and see if she comes back to me and then next present a therapist to her after seeing him a while.

I have my first opportunity to sleep with someone this Thursday. I really mainly just want her but I am attracted to this guy and maybe it will help us be more open with each other? I told her about him and she just said you do what you need to do and I'll do what I need to do. She's not jealous in the bit although if it's another girl she insists on seeing her picture first to give the ok.

She's had lying problems in the past. She doesn't see that nothing good comes from lying even though she keeps saying she won't lie. She continues to omit things like feelings for this girl. I don't get it. I know she sees it as protecting me and her too though.

I'm ranting again haha. That's my game plan so far at least.
 
Ranting is really helpful.

I can comment a bit on the pushing her away statement. When my husband comes off as insecure/clingy, when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when I talk about things, I do move away because it's exhausting. And I've found that after it finally gets to a point where we stop and have a "discussion" and feelings come out honestly, I always feel better about him.

I think the poly person holds back sometimes because they are afraid that bringing up the other partners or talking about their feelings will result in more of that insecure behavior, or anger, or emotions that are difficult to deal with. I can say even now it's a challenge for me to 'muster up the courage' to talk to my husband about visiting my boyfriend, even though this will be the fourth time I go out there. I'm better with day to day things, but there is still that 'fear' in the back of my mind that one day it's all going to backfire or end or make drama or something else of the like. I think it's going to take time for me to really settle those feelings, just like it took him time to settle a lot of his. As we continue and poly becomes more and more the norm, those feelings and fears will crop up less and less.

So let me ask you to think about how you act:

1. Do you give her the impression with reactions and body language that you don't want to talk about her others?
2. Do you find yourself looking to her for validation of yourself? (aka, insecurity)


I wouldn't sleep with someone just to sleep with them, especially if he might have feelings for you. He's a person too, and you don't want to end up hurting or using him just to solve your own problems. That's not really fair to him.

As for your gf caring more about girls, my husband was much more affected by a boyfriend than he is by my girlfriend. He's met my gf - I still don't think he has ANY interest in knowing anything much about my boyfriend.

Finally... the lying is an issue. Lying is always going to end up with you being hurt and you'll never be able to build trust with her if you are always questioning what she says. That's a red flag as well.
 
Entrada press

Thanks for your input Lea

Hmmm don't know if I act in a way. I ask questions and she gets annoyed by the questions and doesn't reallly want to answer them. Like are you interested in this person and do you talk a lot etc etc. when she gets upset I can act needy because I feel this girl that's not even in the room with us is getting more attention.

As for validating it does feel good to be wanted to I do seek reassurance and have been insecure. It's weird when I'm at work I'm really confident and I am usually mostly confident but I have abandonment issues from my mother leaving and deaths in family so I do get insecurity from that and being with stephanie I don't feel sexy in front of her like I have with others because she's compared me to exes and the sex with them was sexy and hot. She says she can't teach me to be sexy. I just don't have it. Stuff like that has made me really insecure like I'm this hideous beast in her eyes. I don't like my breast because of weight loss and she's mentioned me getting a boob job to help. I want it too but again I wish she would praise me more in bed. She has called me beautiful a handful of times which is nice.

The guy I may sleep with is not looking for anything and I do not like you said want to hurt anyone. He knows all about my openness. Part of me wanted to sleep with people just to feel wanted sexually again. That sounds sad but it's the truth.

The thing that bother me is that every person she encounters is new and so it's more interesting to talk to them cause she doesn't know anything about them. We are past the honeymoon phase since we've been together 2 years and while we do talks and have discussions it's not the same as the shiny new toy she found in someone else. Stephanie has talked to probably a dozen people or that I know of in the last two years. She's slept with one only a couple of times. She loves psychology so the last 3 interested including this new girl has been a counselor or social worker. She likes to ask questions.

I'm curious what your opinion is on her just liking someone and then moving on from them in less than 3 months. If she had been having one steady person I feel this would be easier maybe. Just jolts me every time since it's always someone new and I wonder will this be the person she finally sleeps with. . Why is she not hooking up or meeting up with these people?? If that's ultimately what she's looking for?

Yeah that does make since with what your husband feels. I would feel tons better too if stephanie hooked up with just a guy lol.

The lying thing was bad that broke our trust. She omitted that she slept with someone first and even lied about their first meetup saying she just happened to meet this girl in a gay bar with her friend. First I'm in Utah and she never goes to bars and second for the one time she went to the bar she found someone? Yeah. I later found out they actually met on tinder and set up a time to meet somewhere using her friend as an excuse. Broke my trust completely but she made me feel like I was the crazy one looking in her phone in the first place. I've been better at trusting her cause she has been a lot more open and tells me things. It's just when she first starts talking to someone she doesn't and I get that it could cause more insecurities so I will keep that in mind.

Part of me hopes she will just be happy with only me one day but I don't think that's gonna be the case. I'm too tragically hopeful for my own good.
 
Hi Sheainla,

It sounds like you and Stephanie aren't very happy with each other, yet you both must get something out of the relationship that makes you want to stay. I'm unclear what Stephanie's unhappy about, just some vague comment she made about "how you've been acting lately." I don't know what that specifically means. I do get the impression that Stephanie's less than thrilled about the sex with you, and you're not real happy with it either.

I'm pretty sure you're less than thrilled about Stephanie's phone habits, how she's constantly texting people and you feel like you're not getting enough of her attention. I don't know if you've talked with her about it; that might be something to do. Overall I get the impression that you feel rather neglected by her. She doesn't give you much attention, and she doesn't try very hard in bed. Then she says that's your fault, respectively because of "how you've been acting," and because you're supposedly not exciting like her past girlfriends supposedly were.

Hopefully your therapist can help, although if I lay that aside I have to say that this doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship, and some things need to improve if it's going to continue. Being open/poly is all well and good, but it doesn't mean you can neglect the core/central relationship. I kind of get the impression Stephanie is using open/poly as an escape from a relationship with you that makes her unsatisfied. On the other hand, perhaps you are wishing she would commit to you, hoping that would result in her giving you more attention and praise.

I think your next move comes in two parts. First there is talking to your therapist; that's very important. Second there is talking to Stephanie, or perhaps I should say talking more, as in letting her know of things that get you down such as her phone habits ... and/or other things that get you down. Things that maybe you haven't told her about because you didn't want to presume or nag. If there's something you need, it's okay to ask for that.

Those are some of my initial thoughts anyway.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin thank you for your words.

I do get other things from the relationship and she can be very loving in other aspects like telling me she loves me all the time and we can talk really wailing and laugh together and have the same values. I also want kids and I'm getting older and I can't do a kid by myself and I live near no family.

As for the unhealthy part I have heard that before and I do see the red flags but I'm a very optimistic but. And positive person so it gets me in trouble because I often see the good side and think the best of people until I get burned which I normally do but I apparently. I don't like giving up on people that are capable of things. I'm a realist in so many things but idealist when it comes to love and relationships.

So I told her what was all said on this thread tonight aside from you Kevin. Everything I said except for one thing she said year they're right and then about comparing me to her past gfs she got a little defensive saying you compared yourself not me. I just said you were less sexual. I didn't mean to say not sexy.

I asked her if she was willing to work on each thing she agreed with was right on what you all said. Her first response was "I don't know, maybe" i asked if it was too much work for her. She just said well all those things I have to work on myself in my own time. I said yes. I told her I'll work on my insecurities w my therapist and other issues and hopefully she can work on hers to and we can do it together. She just said "ok"

Whatever that means. If a therapist doesn't help and she doesn't try anymore then I'll have to leave prob.
 
Being poly is one thing, but it doesn't sound like she is treating you well at all. Telling you her former partners were sexier and hotter than you? It's no wonder you feel insecure. She is not demonstrating loving behavior towards you. I don't think that poly is the problem; it's HER.
 
I had to check your age because your story made me think you and your gf might be underage, because it sounds really like High School stuff to me. So immature and disrespectful! I never understand why people stay in situations like this. Where is your sense of self-worth in all this? I know I wouldn't tolerate her bullshit if I were you. Kick her the fuck out, geez. It seems like you are ignoring your own needs. You do not have even the slightest basic elements of a healthy relationship here.
 
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You guys have a point. I think she is very much a narcicist and she said last night that this why she hates relationships and this is why it's better to be single and just sleep around. She said if we end she's prob done on relationships all together. I just don't understand people like her. How can they prefer one night stands over a loving relationship. She said last night she's exhausted cause I'm just too needy and get upset w her wanting an open relationship. She then went on to say we've just been dating and aren't even in a relationship even though we have lived together the last two years and her family is my family now. She even gave me a ring and said it was a promise for the future.
 
She does sound like a big ol narcissist. You deserve better.

She is triangulating you with all her other crushes. She is empty inside. She is not a good long term prospect. Narcs use nice normal people to try and fill the empty void they have inside.

Also, she would make a terrible parent. She is just making sounds about "family values." It's obvious to us from the outside that she doesn't actually have any values at all.

You deserve better. Do see your therapist to help yourself. You need to extricate yourself from this mess! Take time to heal. You will find someone better, especially once you sort our your abandonment issues some.

Good luck. Stay strong. Read at this site. Psychopath Free. It helped me after I was used by a narcissist.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I agree with the other posters. This situation doesn't sound great or sustainable.

I also agree she sounds like a narcissist. I strongly encourage you to talk to your therapist about all this. They are professionals who can better help you than internet people.

FWIW? To me it sounds like you want these things in a relationship:

  • Exclusive relationship, commitment, and children
  • Honesty, clear communication
  • two-way street, not one way street where she gets most of the receiving.
  • Good regular sex, with a non-lazy partner, with a partner who doesn't put down your sex style and wants you to be some kind of porn star
  • Being PRESENT, rather than neglecting you with the phone obsession.

If that is the case? You are not getting any of that here. :(

She doesn't want exclusive and what she's given you so far sounds like "fake roses" to me -- enough noise to keep you hoping and on her string. But not genuine.

So why bother to continue? It is you job to look after you and your own well being. If you continue with someone who doesn't really match and is slowly sucking you dry... What for? How's that healthy or great for YOU? :confused:

At this point in time you seem to have made a decision.

If a therapist doesn't help and she doesn't try anymore then I'll have to leave prob.
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I suggest you talk to you therapist about leaving and what support you need in order to cut ties. You will still need to heal after, but at least then you aren't still being sucked dry.

You have already spent 2 years. Why spend more? There's no benefit to sunk cost fallacy. :(

  • It's not really a match for going exclusive. You want that, she does not.
  • And not really all that great treatment despite some good times here and there. Be honest with yourself.
  • You say you want kids and are getting older... well, you cannot spent years and years here giving her never ending second chances if that means screwing YOUR chances to have kids you really want.

Things here sound kinda ok sometimes and meh the rest of the time. You deserve better than that, so I think you could cut your losses and let her go. Move on TOWARD what you want -- committed partner and kids. Don't be clinging to a partner that isn't a good fit.

Learn learn to spot red flags/narcissists sooner next time.

http://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd (Definition of narcissist + behavior list)

https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/male-perpetrators-domestic-violence/mens-tactics (Another list of hurtful behavior -- both men and women can hurt)

she said last night that this why she hates relationships and this is why it's better to be single and just sleep around.
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I guess it is easier for her to "be single and sleep around" because then the faucet people aren't around long enough to see they are being used for faucets. But this way of going means she needs to ditch them before they wake up and then she needs new faucets.

You? You are starting to wake up to it.

Please talk to your therapist about what is and is not healthy relating. Some fun times? Doesn't make up for treating you bad/mind games. Doesn't change that she does not want exclusive and you do. Which is a big incompatibility.

I just don't understand people like her. How can they prefer one night stands over a loving relationship.
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My guess?

1 loving relationship = 1 faucet of attention that might realize they are being used as a supply faucet over time

one night stands = many faucets of attention without the faucet people realizing they are being used as supply faucets.

She then went on to say we've just been dating and aren't even in a relationship even though we have lived together the last two years and her family is my family now. She even gave me a ring and said it was a promise for the future.
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Put that in chronological order. If she's a narcissist? My guess is...

She gave you a ring and promises for the future --- to hook you in to be her supply faucet and keep you on her string. You became the "back up faucet" to turn to when chasing other faucets isn't fruitful. (I wish I could think of a nicer way to say that. :( )

Now that you are wanting a two-way street relationship where she has to do WORK? Time to devalue you/the relationship for gain.

A) She's flips everything around on you so she is the "hurt one" so you swoop in to prop her back up again. That's LOTS of faucet supply. Add some "fake roses" like how much she loves you and realizes how grateful she is and she didn't appreciate you... And if you have been starved for words like this... you get re-hooked. Then back to the old pattern.

B) She's provoked you too far. You get mad and dump her. Then she can tell herself you gave up and bailed or you were the crazy one and she was a "nice guy." Which makes it a nice sob story to hook the next faucet person with.

"Win" for her either way.

A narcissist might say pretty things in the moment, give you stuff/promises to hook you and keep you on the string. But they don't love you. They love what they can GET from you.

If her past history is to "run" when relationships get to be too "real" for her? I don't think she's going to change much. :(

I strongly urge you to talk to your therapist about what is best and healthy for YOU. You deserve to be treated well. That includes you treating you well.

Let Stephanie deal with her own self.

Galagirl
 
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Wow you all are so right. All of those needs haven't been met and it definitely feels like a one way street sometimes. I guess part of me wants to believe her love tokens and things she says is genuine. Hard to swallow they are all tools of manipulation. I truly thank you all for your advice. I will be talking to a therapist this weekend so a great start :)
 
Honestly your girlfriend sounds alot like my ex girlfriend.

She may honestly feel the things, but that doesn't mean she isn't also manipulating you with them. Timing and consideration are real. I think the important question with that is do you feel manipulated by her?

Sorry to be blunt but I don't see it working out. She does not seem commited to working on the things that you need to stay in the Relationship in a way that is healthy for you.

You want a Relationship that she is not willing to offer you. It might be time to seek what you are looking for somewhere else.
 
I hope your appointment with your therapist goes well and things get better for you.

Again... you deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl
 
Gala girl said it all perfectly. All the things I was feeling as I read your story. It's very hard to let go of someone you love and have feelings for. It's very hard not to keep hoping, keep clinging to the few good moments, but if you don't see any true real effort then it isn't going to change.

Again, remember. If you aren't happy and enjoying life, then you can't make others happy either. You need a relationship that you are enjoying as much as your partner.


Good luck!
 
Thank you everyone. I so appreciate all the advice given. I went to my first therapy appointment and was a little worried because I have not connected with a therapist yet and found the right one but he was so awesome. I never knew so much could come out in one our. I felt like I will make progress with him. I'm really excited about further weekly appointments. I will continue to see him and also work on myself. Erika needs to change for herself and if she cannot I will be moving on because it's been 2 years and I haven't seen it. Thank you again all.
 
Glad to hear your therapy appointment went well.
 
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