What to do next

SoLOverlord

New member
So a few days ago my wife and I confessed to someone (Lets call her Anna) that we really liked them and wanted to enter into a polyamorous relationship. I did tell ‘Anna’ that I do love her which I know can scare some people. Some background on Anna is that she lives out of state and will be leaving soon. We were both super nervous and the confession came out a bit garbled. Anna is a childhood friend of my wife and I was hoping to test the waters and go out on some trial dates with her to see if it would be a good fit. I did not express myself in a the way I had planned because Anna is very busy and has very few moments of free time.

Anna was completely caught off guard by the confession (her jaw literally dropped) and told us that she had her suspicions about our intent (her exact words was ‘That she knows more than we think she knows’ and said that she would like to discuss it over lunch some time this week. She then quickly left. I know we screwed up big time with our timing and the execution was atrocious. We have been trying to meet with her for over a month and tell her but nothing ever worked out. I was beginning to lose sleep from the stress of not being able to tell her. We had tried to arrange something sooner but her plans would abruptly change at the last minute.

My concern is what to say/do next. Should I just wait for Anna to respond and contact us when she is ready or should I try to contact her at some point in the near future (a week or two). If I get to talk to her next should we try to reexplain the proposal and clarify our intentions of what this relationship and the boundaries would entail? I feel that maybe she interpreted what we requested as more of a sexual partner (or a fling) than one that would start off emotional and build from there. It’s no our intention to hurt her but we feel that I have wounded her gravely.

I understand that a proposal to someone like means she has many things to think about and we didn't do the best at conveying our intentions. She does live out of state which adds another level of complexity to this. There is also the social stigma that comes along with this, I know that many people would see this as Cheating or Swinging but we wanted this to be a wholesome loving relationship. I also understand that Anna may not be interested in a relationship.

None of this is meant to be an excuse. I know I screwed up and I don't want to lose her as a friend. I rushed this because I knew that if I didn't say it then, I may never have gotten a chance to do so.

Thank you for any advice or guidance that you could provide.
 
This is going to come out harshly, but there's not a lot of good ways to say it: if she's so busy that she could barely squeeze time in to see you, she's either 1) just not that into you--because if she were, she'd be making time and/or 2) too busy for a poly relationship regardless of her feelings about it. I am going to guess, as much as no one wants to hear this, that the former is the most true. Has she given you--either of you, let alone both of you--any reason to think she wanted to date one/both of you? Is she bi at all (assuming your wife also wants to be with her sexually, since you said the two of you wanted to be in a relationship with her)?

There's a lot bad already going on here. It sounds like you and your wife already have decided on the details of the relationship and boundaries. Not good. Anna is her own person. Even if she were interested, she should have a say in developing her own relationship goals and expectations. It sounds like you and your wife want a triad, is that correct? Before you guys go any further with any of this, you need to take a step back and look at what you are doing.

Read the book "More than two," and this..
 
Having read your introduction thread, you definitely need to do a site search here on "unicorn hunting" and "triads." You don't "add a third person" to a relationship...that isn't how it works.

Please, before you go any further with this, read what I linked above. You are not wrong for being able to love more than one person at once, but you and your wife are definitely doing about opening in a way that is going to lead to bad situations.
 
Dear GreenAcres,
Thank you for the feedback. My wife and I both know that we acted rashly and pushed boundaries we should not have. We had wanted to let her set the boundaries of the relationship, because she has so much at stake, however we never even managed to tell her. We know we screwed up pretty badly.

While she is bi that was not an important part of this (my wife is ace anyways and viewed Anna as a friend, my wife's asexuality in no way was the driving factor behind this interest.) I wanted to try and have a emotional/romantic relationship with her, (dates etc. no sexual component necessary) and my wife was fine in seeing where it would develop, platonically or otherwise.

Thank you for the links and the advice. I really appreciate it.
 
Anna was completely caught off guard by the confession (her jaw literally dropped) and told us that she had her suspicions about our intent (her exact words was ‘That she knows more than we think she knows’ and said that she would like to discuss it over lunch some time this week. She then quickly left. I know we screwed up big time with our timing and the execution was atrocious

I guess you could wait out the week, let her set it up, wait until the lunch date, and once there apologize for awkward wonky timing/dropping a bomb thing. Then let her talk and you listen. Sort things out.

If more than a week passes with her making no attempt to set up lunch? Call to apologize for all the wonky, that you hope she knows you were asking if she was willing to date, not asking for a fling. That you hope she takes your admiration as a compliment, even if she doesn't want to go down that road and you hope you can continue to be friends. You intent was not to upset or hurt her.

Whether she wants to date or not, thank her for her time and tell her you appreciate her willingness to talk at lunch/over phone (however that part plays out).

Hope for the best and let it be what it is.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the advice. My wife and I are still very new to polyamory and not sure how to establish a relationship like this. I wanted Anna to be aware of my feelings and grow into the relationship as she was comfortable, but we really botched it.
We had thought about contacting her in about a week and apologizing. Hearing you confirm this idea strengthen our resolve to patch this issue. She is a really nice person and is worth more as a friend then as a temporary lover.
 
Be ok being new and being learners.

Treat yourselves more kindly. Nobody is an "instant expert" at new stuff. Be it baking, golfing, or poly dating.

It will be ok. She's a long time friend. I don't think this one experience is going to ruin years of friendship. Give her some time and some space.

Galagirl
 
I read your intro post as well as this one, and I recommend others do too, it fills in some gaps.

I hear that, despite your terminology in your intro post, you are not unicorn hunting. But you did use terms like "adding a third to our relationship."

I get that you're feeling very insecure about all of this, with Anna, and also because you've gotten very little support from friends when opening up about your affection for a woman not your wife.

Just know that, here, you won't get feedback that you are "wrong" for having feelings for someone other than your wife. Of course poly people believe, and base their love lives, on the idea that love can be infinite and shared with many.

But even if love is infinite, time and circumstances can curtail how relationships play out.

Since Anna is one of your wife's best friends, it is possible their relationship won't change at all, right? They already care a lot about each other. And your wife is asexual (ace, as you called it), so there won't be a physical relationship between them.

You say you don't care one way or the other if you have sex with Anna, you've just come to love her romantically. I guess it happened over the years... You must have known her quite a while?

So, you may want sex, but that's up to Anna. You just wanted her to know the depth of your feelings? You want to go out on one on one dates with her? Just exactly what are your "boundaries" around your desire to date? Are there limits to what you may feel or do with her?

Too bad you feel you flubbed your confession.

Frankly I don't know where this is going, what the potential is. It sounds like Anna lives a ways away already, and is moving even further away, and has an extremely busy life. So what is your wish and plan for more intimacy? I'm not sure where you think this could go. And of course, Anna has no idea either!

I hope you get to at least talk to her more soon and can clarify things.

You said in your intro post that you're not looking to fill in gaps, meeting needs of yours that your wife doesn't provide. However, if you are not also asexual, but never get sex from your wife, there is nothing wrong with wanting sex! Many of us here meet some sexual or kink needs with OSOs that we don't get with our anchor partners. Or even if we don't have anchor partners and are solo polys, we of course get different kinds of sex from each SO/lover/FWB. Many polys really like variety in ways of relating.
 
Well, "unicorn hunting"? Maybe not. However, when someone shows up with the Standard Unicorn Expedition Kit #3, it's difficult to assume otherwise. ;)

SoLOverlord: Have ANY of you actually had ANY experience with nonmonogamy? :confused: And though Anna might (upon calm reflection) find the idea worth discussing further, she probably won't. Does that mean it's "one & done" for you guys?

As to what you ought do. Well, if the two of you hadn't put so much effort into this wild scheme, how would you presently be acting toward your friend Anna? Can you imagine how to do that?
________________

I cannot get over how stuff that actually works pretty well in The Wide World Of Monogamy gets totally tossed away when nonmonogamy enters the picture. ;)

SCENARIO -- Bill is a mono single guy. There's a few women he dates, nothing too involved. One of these is Sue. After hanging out a few times, Bill & Sue just totally click, realizing they're on the same metaphorical page for everything from politics to adventurous dining. They haven't got 'round to sex yet, even as a subject, but it doesn't appear to be pressing for either.

One evening at a nice restaurant, Bill clearly can barely contain his excitement. Finally, he produces a little velvet box & shows her the engagement ring.

QUESTION -- who among us would NOT immediately wonder "what the HELL is Bill thinking???"

I figure that Sue would be LESS taken aback if Bill had simply made an unsubtle sexual proposition (something that ends in "...until you can't walk straight" :D). At least, with that she still has the options of "okey-dokey!" or "not what I have in mind, dude" or "let's discuss this further."

Getting blindsided with talk of commitment? It's gonna totally kill the moment, for sure.

Plus, the way monogamists tend to think, when one player brings up The M Word, the discussion CANNOT backtrack. The ONLY choices are "oh, YES, my darling!!" or "well, nice meeting you."

Right?

...so, if folks see THAT rather obvious vignette the same as I do, then how can anyone be surprised that it DOES NOT work any better when we replace "Bill" in the equation with "Bill + Mary"?
________________

SoLOverlord, upon rereading, I still cannot determine what you were trying to accomplish.

As GreenAcres said, it sounds like you & your wife already have a lot of the fantasy scenario already mapped out, with zero input from Anna... yet you come across as incredibly vague as to how you actually want it to play out. :eek:
vee or triad?
three-a-bed ONLY or one-to-one?
closed or open?
proper courtship or "let's all get drunk & naked & it'll work itself out from there"?
move to be with Anna or have a magically stress-free LDR?
 
Hi SoLOverlord,

In your first post on this thread you said, "Some background on Anna is that she lives out of state and will be leaving soon." If this is true, then it doesn't sound like you'll have much opportunity to form a relationship with her before she leaves. Do you want to enter into a long-distance relationship? That's a hard thing to do.

And I'm unclear on what you feel you did wrong with Anna so far. How much of an apology is needed? Maybe it's enough to say, "Sorry I was so forward in our last conversation."

Can you chat with her via email? or other chat app? Just wondering.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I feel that we have hurt her by not being clear with our intentions. I wanted to let her define the boundaries of the relationship and determine how it would grow and evolve. I know I did not make that clear at all when I talked to her. (we know the time was wrong, but we also didn't know if we'd see her again before she left).
I am fine with a long distance relationship. My wife and I had a long distance relationship for the 6 years before we married. I am willing to go to the distance and meet her terms with no questions.
We have been communicating with her via text up to this point. We know she is very busy, (Anna has been away from the area for a very long time and is trying to reconnect with family and friends) she even rarely had time to talk with my wife as friends, so we understand that she has priorities in life that do not include us.
We just want to apologize for hurting her.
 
I read your intro post as well as this one, and I recommend others do too, it fills in some gaps.

I hear that, despite your terminology in your intro post, you are not unicorn hunting. But you did use terms like "adding a third to our relationship."

Thank you for letting us know that the phrase "Adding a third to our relationship" has a specific meaning in the poly community. We will try to avoid this in the future.
Yes it is true that my wife's relationship with Anna most likely will not change but I care about Anna as well. I do not wish to lose her as a friend. She is a positive, cheerful person with so much passion for what she does. I am not seeking a sexual component with the relationship with Anna. I really love her to the same depth that I love my wife and I want to share that same love with her. I understand that this may not happen now but I don't want to lose her as a friend.
 
Thank you for letting us know that the phrase "Adding a third to our relationship" has a specific meaning in the poly community.
It has the same meaning here that it does elsewhere. You add salt to a meal, but it's to make the main meal tastier, not because you love salt. Why would someone want to be a condiment on an existing relationship rather than being desired for themselves? The phrase, along with many of your other word choices, displays a unicorn hunting mindset, or what is known as "couple privilege" - a belief/behaviour that relegates any potential partners to lesser-than status right from the start. Many poly people have been burned by people holding such beliefs before, so tend to warn newcomers away when they see the danger signs.
 
Thank you for your input. We will be better about our phrasing in the future, to ensure clarity (We are not seeking to make a triad). We don't want to hurt anyone else with our words.
 
Will you get a chance to offer her your apology before she leaves the state?
 
Will you get a chance to offer her your apology before she leaves the state?
I hope so. She is leaving at the end of January but I am not sure what other commitments she has. We plan to try and contact her electronically and hope that she will be willing to meet in person so that we can properly apologize.
 
I suggest you wait out the week. Give her time and space. Let it be about (her needing a week) --- which she seems to have asked for. Let the ball be in her court for now. Don't make it be about alleviating (your anxiety) and (your urge to apologize so you don't have to sit with it any more.)

If/when it goes past a week, then contact her.

Galagirl
 
I suggest you wait out the week. Give her time and space. Let it be about (her needing a week) --- which she seems to have asked for. Let the ball be in her court for now. Don't make it be about alleviating (your anxiety) and (your urge to apologize so you don't have to sit with it any more.)

If/when it goes past a week, then contact her.

Galagirl

That's our plan as of right now. Thank you Galagirl for the input.
 
Thank you for your input. We will be better about our phrasing in the future, to ensure clarity (We are not seeking to make a triad). We don't want to hurt anyone else with our words.
Nobody is being hurt by your words. They are warning signs; not injurious in themselves to anything except people's perception of you. Even this reply betrays the couple-centric mindset. Are there two of you typing on the same keyboard simultaneously? If not, why are your sentences constructed in the plural?

It's less to do with the phrasing than it is about the unconscious thought processes behind the phrasing, and trying to tidy up the cosmetic problem without addressing the cause will just hide the issue rather than fixing it. Look at why you're approaching this as a monolithic single entity rather than as two individuals and work that out first; the phrasing will follow.
 
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