What to do

Jadedreality717

New member
Hi,
I’m not sure if I’m in the right place. I just need to get this out because I literally have no one to talk to about this. I’m madly in love with my husband, we’ve been together 7 years and have a daughter together. Recently, over the past couple years, I’ve felt like something was missing in our relationship. I love my husband very much, and I am very much attracted to him. I just ....want more, for US. I want a best friend who always has my back and who loves me like a sister. I want a tribe. My husband has a huge heart, he’s a good man, and I want to see him share that with someone else, as well as with me, and I want to grow in love together. So basically what I’m trying to say is, I want my husband to get a girlfriend, I just don’t know how to bring it up. I’m afraid he will get upset and freak out.
thank you for even taking the time to read this. It felt good just putting it in words.
 
Hi and welcome, you're in a good place to be able to write stuff down and get feedback on possible next steps. I'm glad it felt good putting your thoughts into figurative paper for the first time.

You could test the waters with some kind of poly friendly opening, such as the movie Professor Marston and The Wonder Women, e.g. "oh honey, that looks like a lovely way to live..." Or subtler 😉

All the best
Evie
 
The Magicians is another good one for that; the characters Elliot and Margo are poly. The Wheel of Time has a poly protagonist, if a book would be better. That's a fantastic series anyway!

It sounds like your head is in the right place to explore poly! I hope your husband is open to the discussion, without the freakout. I think it's safe to assume there will be some level of emotional reaction to the idea. If it's not a philosophy one is familiar with, then it's a paradigm shift, for sure. What makes you think he'll freak out? Is he the jealous type? Suspicious? Lacking in self-confidence? (those guesses are very much based on my own hangups.)
 
Welcome.

How old is child? Could some of the desire for the tribe thing be because caring for small children is wearing you out and you want to share that load more? How else could you build your tribe other than by husband dating and bringing people into the fold?

Before you tell him, could consider some of the possible responses/outcomes.
  • "No thanks" and he is very upset that you even bring it up.
  • "No, thanks" and he is not upset that you brought it up. He thinks it is fine for other people but doesn't want any for him.
  • "Ok" and people try. But it ends up with everyone single in the end.
  • "Ok" and people try. He finds someone who is into him, but not into the having your back, being like a sister etc. No tribe. Just a very separate V.
  • "Ok" and people try and it all works out like you hope.
  • Something else
Would you or the new GF want to date other people too? What if hubby wanted more than one other GF? Then what?

I guess you could tell him plain.

"Would you ever be up for poly? I want you to get a girlfriend so that I can have a best friend who always has my back and loves me like a sister. So I can feel like I belong to a tribe. So I can see you share your big heart with someone else as well as with me. Because I want all three to grow in love together."​

You can't be a mind reader. You have to ask to actually know if he'd even be up for this sort of model. Just you wanting this doesn't make it so. Him and you wanting this doesn't make it so. For it to be so? All 3 people have to want this and willing to try AND have the ability/skills to actually bring it about. Sometimes there is such thing as "Willing, but not actually able."

I guess I wonder why you are afraid to talk to your husband of 7 years though.

Is he in the habit of getting upset and freaking out when you want to talk about things? Is that why you need someone else to "have your back?" You don't get that from husband?

Galagirl
 
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I don't understand why you can't find a good platonic female friend, without her being a romantic/sexual partner for your husband as well. Why does that aspect appeal to you? It's going to be difficult for your h to find a female lover, since he is a married man. Most women of childbearing age want a partner of their own, not someone else's husband.

Why not just join a local mother's group, in your town or area? For me, I benefitted amazingly from being a part of La Leche League when my kids were young. It's for breastfeeing mamas though. If you're not breastfeeding, you can surely find other mamas in your area who share your parenting ideals, and some of your other interests as well. One place to find this is in mother/child exercise or swim classes at the YMCA, just as my first thought. I also attended those with my kids back in the day. The hospital or birth center where you gave birth might have more resources. Your town's FB group is another great place to ask around.
 
Would you consider dating a woman yourself, asexually? There are a lot of women who say they feel romantic but not sexual attraction toward other women. It sounds like you want a very close/intense platonic relationship with a woman.

Even if your husband wanted a girlfriend, there's no guarantee that his girlfriend would click with you as a best friend/sister. Maybe seek out what you want for yourself, instead?

You'd still have to bring up the topic to your husband, of course.
 
It's going to be difficult for your h to find a female lover, since he is a married man. Most women of childbearing age want a partner of their own, not someone else's husband.

Seems a bit mono myopic to me. I guess you could say poly dating is hard in general because we are a small minority of the dating pool... But that’s pointing out the obvious.

I am a married father and I can successfully date. Perhaps I would not be stacking three dates a weekend but successful over time nonetheless... Not to mention I am already in a situation somewhat in the realm of what OP is talking about. So we are out there, albeit the few, perhaps. Not every 30 something female wants to bear her own children, and I happened to have found one; and content in loving mine to boot.

To OP, if you want a tribe you might consider moving close to family as well.

As it happens my partner Bird expressed ideas similar those in your post early in our relationship over a decade ago. I wasn’t interested in ever having that be the focus of my pursuit in poly, yet I ended up in a situation similar to what you have described.

Consider that members of a tribe don’t automatically equate to something like best friends. My two partners love each other, they have one another’s back, and they share a strong mutual respect. However, I do not think they would ever call themselves best friends. And they do not spend lots of time together conversing over mutual interests as they share few of them.

I think it’s great to dream your fullest poly ideal, however all relationships, mono, poly, child, parent. They never turn out exactly how you expect them to... Consider the probability of success increases with flexibility of expectations.

If your expectations of having a tribe relate to a sense of security, also consider the fact that living an alternative lifestyle can decrease one’s sense of security. Public judgment, family drama, rumors, and so on. It was not until we came out to a majority of family that my sense of security in my tribe started blossoming. I’m very close to my family so maybe that is just me....

Regardless, the road from conception to success can be a long and bumpy journey; some relationships don’t survive.

Those are the facts as I see them. You have found a great place to reflect and absorb other peoples stories; stay awhile...
 
Hello Jadedreality717,

You have a lovely desire in your mind ... it is very vivid and detailed; I wonder if it is the Universe's way of telling you that this idea is about to become manifested in you life. On the other hand it could be a glimpse of the distant future ... or even of an alternate reality. Such is the nature of dreams and visions; you have to be open to the many ways they can play out in your life, or even how they can inform your goals and decisions. You know you want your husband to get a girlfriend, so pluck up your courage and tell him so. You might even consider showing him your eloquent post here, it would show him some of your thoughts and feelings surrounding this basic desire. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
This seems a bit mono-myopic to me. I guess you could say poly dating is hard in general. because we are a small minority of the dating pool.
Of course. And I am far from mono or myopic. I pointed that out because it is decidedly hard for married men to date polyamorously. So trying to make a best friend/tribe mate out of your husband's hypothetical future gf could take a damn long time. I suggest she seek a tribe on her own for now, leaving polyamory out of the equation. That just seems so unrealistic. Finding a mama tribe is actually pretty easy and a very common thing for moms to do. You can even have a virtual tribe if you can't find a compatible real life one right away.
I am a married father and I can successfully date. Perhaps I would not be stacking three dates a weekend but successful over time nonetheless... Not to mention I am already in a situation somewhat in the realm of what OP is talking about. So we are out there, albeit the few, perhaps.
Sure, you're out there. But depending on the region, you may not be. There are many more poly people in or near large progressive cities, hardly any in rural conservative areas, for example.
Not every 30 something female wants to bear her own children, and I happened to have found one; and content in loving mine to boot.
I didn't necessarily mean every 30 something female wants kids. Or a poly woman might already have a kid or 3, and not want to bother sharing a bf with other females. You're playing down the fact that the HUGE majority of people in Western culture so far are monogamous.
To OP, if you want a tribe you might consider moving close to family as well.
If she gets along with any family members, yes.
As it happens my partner Bird expressed ideas similar those in your post early in our relationship over a decade ago. I wasn’t interested in ever having that be the focus of my pursuit in poly, yet I ended up in a situation similar to what you have described.

Consider that members of a tribe don’t automatically equate to something like best friends. My two partners love each other, they have one another’s back, and they share a strong mutual respect. However, I do not think they would ever call themselves best friends. And they do not spend lots of time together conversing over mutual interests, as they share few of them.

I think it’s great to dream your fullest poly ideal. However, relationships, mono, poly, child, parent never turn out exactly how you expect them to. Consider that the probability of success increases with your flexibility of expectations. If your expectations of having a tribe relate to a sense of security, also consider the fact that living an alternative lifestyle can decrease one’s sense of security, because of public judgment, family drama, rumors, and so on. It was not until we came out to a majority of family that my sense of security in my tribe started blossoming. I’m very close to my family, though, so maybe that is just me. Regardless, the road from conception to success can be a long and bumpy journey; some relationships don’t survive.

Those are the facts as I see them. You have found a great place to reflect and absorb other peoples stories; stay awhile...
 
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