What to do?

[crod]

My wife and I have been together for about 17 years. She is the love of my life. About 9 years ago we decided to add some openness to our marriage. By that, I mean sex partners, like a friend with benefits kind of situation. (Practicing safely, of course). We took interest in the same partners. Some relationships were beautiful and some were not.

About three years ago, we met T. I was the one who actually initiated the relationship. We met a few times, went out to different places, had him over for a couple of game nights. We didn’t have sex up until the second year of knowing him.

Throughout this relationship, like many relationships, we struggled. There were always ups and downs between the three of us, and one day I decided that maybe this person wasn’t the one for us. He just didn’t understand that there wasn’t going to be anything serious between us all. We always make that very clear in the beginning of meeting someone.

I can tell he was taking more of a liking to my wife at this point, because I was super closed off about moving forward. As this time had passed I never understood why my wife was so forgiving of him. Little did I know, there was more to this relationship being built behind my back. She worked nights and he would meet her at her job, where they would talk for hours she said, conversate at all hours of the night while I was home. One time, she forgot to mute me on the phone and I heard her speaking to him on another phone about me and it was more like a mock of me than anything else.

A few months passed, and they actually had a falling out and didn’t speak. During that time I sensed her sadness and asked her if she was in love with this person. She then knew, when I asked her, that she was.

To bring you up to date, his birthday was recently, and she reached out. It looks like now he is currently making his way back into the picture and I am not sure how to feel about it or how to handle these emotions. I want to be fair to my wife, as far as her having a friendship with this man, but I just feel like this is such a triggering subject for me. I want effective communication, which I’ve been doing. I just think she always will have a reason why she’s going to continue this friendship.

I would greatly appreciate some insight on how to deal with these emotions and what I could be doing to heal and also be fair to her. Thanks for reading.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I would greatly appreciate some insight on how to deal with these emotions & what I could be doing to heal and also be fair to her.

I'm not clear on what parts or combos you are healing FROM?

9 years ago we decided to add some openness to our marriage and by that I mean, sex partners.. like friend with benefits kind of situation

Ok, so I understand that to be the agreement. Open to sharing casual sex with other partners. But NOT sharing romance.

Throughout this relationship, like many relationships we struggled, always up and downs between the three of us, until one day I decided that maybe this person wasn’t the one for us.

I don't know what this part means.

Did wife agree this person wasn't the right fit for a FWB any more?

Or was this you making a unilateral decision for the couple and she didn't like that?

Or does this mean that you were dropping out of the trio FWB thing? And she wanted to continue in another shape -- like a poly V thing? Change to something more than FWB?

Was part of the issue her wanting to date separately rather than as a couple?

I can tell he was taking more of a liking to my wife at this point because I was super closed off about moving forward. As this time had passed I never understood why my wife was so forgiving of him, little did I know there was more to this relationship being built behind my back. She worked nights and he would meet her at her job where they would talk for hours she said, conversate all hours of the night while I was home. One time, she forgot to mute me on the phone and I heard her speaking to him on another phone about me and it was more like a mock of me than anything else.

I'm not sure what that means either.

Like they were cheating on agreements?

Or unrealistic expectations? Did you expect all FWB group sex dates to be group only?

And you and him never on your own?

Her and him never on their own?

But you and her ok on your own? Either for friendship, hanging out, dates, or sharing sex?


So at this point... they were developing a romance? Which was against the FWB agreement? And neither was straightforward about feelings changing and wanted to renegotiate agreements with you. Instead there was some sort of cheating affair behind your back? Is that what this was?

That part is red is not great. Did you and wife ever talk that out? Or does she not know you overheard her complaining to him about you like that? Are you and wife actually ok together? Or are there other problems in the (you + her) relationship?

Few months had passed and they actually had a falling out and didn’t speak, during that time I sensed her sadness & I ask my wife if she was in love with this person, and she then knew when I asked her, that she was.

And then they broke up for whatever reason and you noticed wife sad. And she finally what? Confessed the affair? That she loved him? Some parts but not others?

To bring you up to date, his birthday was recently, and she reached out. It looks like now he is currently making his way back into the picture and I am not sure how to feel about it or how to handle these emotions. I want to be fair to my wife as far as her having a friendship with this man, but I just feel like this is suck a triggering subject for me.

Wife reached out for WHAT? Is it really to be "exes and friends" or is this the hopes of starting something up again?

And what would the something be? What is she asking you and then Dude to consider doing? Full polyamory this time like a poly V with her as the hinge?

Instead of FWB for casual sex/casual group sex like before?

It's hard to give suggestions when I don't know what your CURRENT agreements are. Or what wife is asking of you.

But if you do not want to do any polyamory, you can say NO.

If you just don't trust her to keep it at "exes and friends" you can voice that too.

It's fine that you want to be fair to wife. But you are going to be fair to yourself too, right?

You have to be able to say to wife "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do things I don't want/don't like."

Without understanding the details of what is happening? All I can suggest right now is to talk to wife and ask her what it is she wants to do here/is after.

And tread with caution. Don't agree to do stuff you don't really want to do just to please the wife. You have to watch for your own well being.

Galagirl

 

[crod]

I'm not clear on what parts or combos you are healing FROM?

Being okay with them having a friendship again considering the damage it’s has caused to our relationship.. also seeing if my wife is going to emotionally attach again.

Ok, so I understand that to be the agreement. Open to sharing casual sex with other partners. But NOT sharing romance.

If I am understanding correctly, yes. When adding the FWB to our relationship, we weren’t looking for be emotionally involved with someone. It was an addiction of fun to our relationship. (Maybe fwb is the wrong term, apologies, a little new to the terminology considering we haven’t had many partners)

Did wife agree this person wasn't the right fit for a FWB any more?

Yes, we agreed together because at this point too much had happened, it was a lot to deal with. I could also sense her reservation about it as well because I don’t believe she was ready to cut off all communication. So I let it be considering we agreed this wasn’t it.

Was part of the issue her wanting to date separately rather than as a couple?

I’ve asked this before as well and she said no.

Like they were cheating on agreements?

Or unrealistic expectations? Did you expect all FWB group sex dates to be group only?

Yes, this had been going on for months these meet ups with out me knowing. I’ve always said once we reach a sense of security with someone, I am open to solo things, as well as it being communicated thoroughly on what is happening. This was not the case. So some trust at that point was broken as well as the understanding.

That part is red is not great. Did you and wife ever talk that out? Or does she not know you overheard her complaining to him about you like that? Are you and wife actually ok together? Or are there other problems in the (you + her) relationship?

Oh I know, it didn’t feel great either. She knew I heard because I then began to speak on the phone as they were having their conversation. We are really great together, we’ve always been great with being opened with one another as far as communication, built a beautiful bond over the years in our marriage. With this specific person I think thats why it’s so triggering, because I saw a difference in her. Something that made her different to me.. the person I know for years, doing something like that really threw me off.

And then they broke up for whatever reason and you noticed wife sad. And she finally what? Confessed the affair? That she loved him? Some parts but not others?

When they agreed to stop speaking and I noticed the sadness, I had ask her to speak about what was on her mind, didn’t want her to feel alone or like she didn’t have anyone to talk to. As we got further into the conversation is when I asked do you think you love this person & at that point is when she realized she was because she shared she was. The meet ups behind my back were also told to me after they stopped speaking.

Wife reached out for WHAT? Is it really to be "exes and friends" or is this the hopes of starting something up again?

She says she’s learned, and it’s for friendship.. but I am just not sure about that. I trying to wipe the slate clean, but I do get brought back to bad memories every now and again. She does try and reassure me it’s all for friendship.

It's hard to give suggestions when I don't know what your CURRENT agreements are. Or what wife is asking of you.

I totally understand this, because there is so much to this story, so thank you for the questions so far.

You have to be able to say to wife "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do things I don't want/don't like."

I have said this, that I am not entirely comfortable with the situation.. she takes it more as me trying to dictate who she can and can’t speak with and that not my intentions at all.

And tread with caution. Don't agree to do stuff you don't really want to do just to please the wife. You have to watch for your own well being.

I stand firm on the things I am okay with and I am not. Thank you for everything thus far.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello crod,

You seem to be asking how you can be okay with something that you're not okay with. Nine years ago, you and your wife decided to open your marriage to FWB situations. Now you need to decide if you need to open your marriage to full-on poly situations. Is that something you can do? If you can't, then either you need your wife to break up with this guy, or, if she's not willing to do that, then you need to decide if you can continue in this marriage where she is doing something to which you do not consent. Because this guy wants full-on poly, and your wife is inclined to meet his desires. You can consider giving your consent, but if your heart's not in it, you can't force yourself to be okay with it. I'm sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear. Hopefully this is just a friendship between them this time.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Being okay with them having a friendship again, considering the damage it’s has caused to our relationship. Also seeing if my wife is going to emotionally attach again.

So even though she says she just wants to be platonic friends with her ex, you're not sure she is being truthful. We can't tell from here whether she is telling the truth, or just hoping she can keep her feelings in check to avoid hurting you or breaking your agreement to "sex only, no feelings" arrangements. But it sounds to me like she IS emotionally attached to her ex and in a perfect world would prefer to remain lovers with him. Sometimes people who are used to monogamy being good and polyamory being bad, considered cheating, can not be honest with themselves or with their spouses.

You both would benefit from reading the book Opening Up to learn more about ethical non-monogamy and what to do if feelings changed in a relationship and understandings need to be renegotiated.

If I am understanding correctly, yes. When adding the FWB to our relationship, we weren’t looking for be emotionally involved with someone. It was an addition of fun to our relationship. (Maybe fwb is the wrong term, apologies, a little new to the terminology considering we haven’t had many partners)

No, you are basically using FWB correctly. Unfortunately, people can and do fall in love with their (formerly) casual lovers all the time. Especially in situations like this, where there are so many long talks, fun dates, meetings, etc.

Yes, we agreed together, because at this point too much had happened. It was a lot to deal with. I could sense her reservation about it as well, because I don’t believe she was ready to cut off all communication. So I let it be, considering we agreed this wasn’t it.

I’ve asked this before as well, and she said no.

Yes, these meet-ups had been going on for months without me knowing. I’ve always said once we reach a sense of security with someone, I am open to solo things, as long as what is happening is being communicated thoroughly. This was not the case. Some trust and understanding was broken at this point.

It sounds like you both need to be more honest about what you want and what to do. I do think deep down wife would prefer real polyamory, to be able to openly love both you and her bf. She just won't admit it.

People can be friends with their exes, and no longer be in love, but it's not clear what happened. They had a falling out, probably because the bf/ex does want to be able to love her freely. She seems to want that too, but os not be able to speak to you honestly about it.

It didn’t feel great. She knew I heard because I then began to speak on the phone as they were having their conversation.

But you didn't bring it up later.

We are really great together. We’ve always been great with being open with one another as far as communication, built a beautiful bond over the years in our marriage. With this specific person I think thats why it’s so triggering, because I saw a difference in her. Something that made her different to me.. the person I know for years, doing something like that really threw me off.

That can happen. A couple can do casual sex with others, until that certain partner comes along who is worthy of true love. Then, boom, shit hits the fan. Casual sex is no longer enough.

When they agreed to stop speaking and I noticed the sadness, I asked her to speak about what was on her mind. I didn’t want her to feel alone or like she didn’t have anyone to talk to. As we got further into the conversation, I asked: do you think you love this person? At that point she realized she was, because she shared she was. I was told about the meet ups behind my back after they stopped speaking.

She says she’s learned, and it’s for friendship, but I am just not sure about that. I am trying to wipe the slate clean, but I do get brought back to bad memories every now and again. She does try and reassure me it’s all for friendship.



I have said that I am not entirely comfortable with the situation. She takes this as me trying to dictate who she can and can’t speak with and that's not my intention at all.

It seems to me though, that this is the crux of the matter. She may or may not be in love with this guy, but what with all the sex and fun, it is more romantic than not. You can't tell her who she can love, but if you do not want to share her, you can tell her it's better than you separate. I think she'd be very resentful if you told her to cut all ties with this guy forever.

I stand firm on the things I am okay with.

Then you might need to back up your words with actions. She doesn't want to lose you, but if she is now able to love two men at once, she is polyamorous. Either you get OK with polyamory, or you don't. And then it would be kindest to separate.