Hi Friends,
I need some advice and perspective.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years now. We've been non-monogamous from the start and started identifying as poly relatively early. Not because of any preference on my part, my partner (a woman) was dating women exclusively prior to the pandemic. We closed off seeing other people during the pandemic and even after the vaccine took our time before emerging from our cocoon. To be candid our sex life collapsed during this period.
My partner went through a major life chance 2 months ago. She completed a transition form a career she was focused on for 10 years into a higher paid tech job. She also took a trip back to her home state. Shortly before she flew out we both agreed we can open the relationship up again. Our agreement was simple (1) condoms (2) we know about each others dates and partners before hand (3) no sleepovers without checking (4) no priors.
While in her home state she slept with her ex (a man) without a discussion with me. She confessed as soon as she returned. She later confessed that she ideated about leaving me on the flight home but decided it was a bad idea. For a couple of weeks after I did my best to be generous and accept her ex as a new long distance lover of hers. But the sense of betrayal hurt too much and I asked her to take non-platonic interactions with him off the table until I was comfortable. And made it clear it could be a while.
I encouraged her to see men within the structure of our agreement. I suggested that this would be a good way to model ethical and consensual behavior. However, with the first man she went home with she breached our agreement again. She slept over without a prior discussion. She texted me at 5:30am asking if she could stay past sunrise and I made it clear that I was uncomfortable just accepting another violation of our agreement. It felt like I was walking through a minefield . She simply ignored my texts and waited until her new lover woke up to drop her home.
We have uncovered that the pandemic effected both of us in ways that has led to a lack of connection and we both say we want to focus on each other. We have now agreed to seek professional help. In the interim, I have asked her to pause (not stop) seeing other men until we had a chance to work on whatever was causing her to recklessly ignore our agreement and my wellbeing. She agrees that her tendency to ignore our agreement is restricted to men and not women. She has also confessed that she was seeking connection with others instead of rebuilding after the pandemic caused our own intimacy to suffer.
It took me a lot of courage to ask her to pause (not stop) seeing other men until we get couples therapy. It took me days before I could and I felt guilt because I worry I am coming across as patriarchal. Simply put, I do not feel safe in the relationship. I am anxious that our trust will be violated again. I would like to rebuild. I am physically feeling the effects of this trauma. It has triggered dormant epilepsy on a couple of nights.
Yet, while she says she wants us to stay together and wants us to work on our connection, she has not agreed to pause seeing other men while we find a therapist and focus on our connection. I do not want her to acquiesce or deny her genuine connections with her new lovers if she prefers them. She has asked for a few days to think about this before she agrees or refuses
Questions: Am I being controlling? Is it even fair for me to ask her to pause seeing other men? How have other poly people responded to consent violations like these?
I need some advice and perspective.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years now. We've been non-monogamous from the start and started identifying as poly relatively early. Not because of any preference on my part, my partner (a woman) was dating women exclusively prior to the pandemic. We closed off seeing other people during the pandemic and even after the vaccine took our time before emerging from our cocoon. To be candid our sex life collapsed during this period.
My partner went through a major life chance 2 months ago. She completed a transition form a career she was focused on for 10 years into a higher paid tech job. She also took a trip back to her home state. Shortly before she flew out we both agreed we can open the relationship up again. Our agreement was simple (1) condoms (2) we know about each others dates and partners before hand (3) no sleepovers without checking (4) no priors.
While in her home state she slept with her ex (a man) without a discussion with me. She confessed as soon as she returned. She later confessed that she ideated about leaving me on the flight home but decided it was a bad idea. For a couple of weeks after I did my best to be generous and accept her ex as a new long distance lover of hers. But the sense of betrayal hurt too much and I asked her to take non-platonic interactions with him off the table until I was comfortable. And made it clear it could be a while.
I encouraged her to see men within the structure of our agreement. I suggested that this would be a good way to model ethical and consensual behavior. However, with the first man she went home with she breached our agreement again. She slept over without a prior discussion. She texted me at 5:30am asking if she could stay past sunrise and I made it clear that I was uncomfortable just accepting another violation of our agreement. It felt like I was walking through a minefield . She simply ignored my texts and waited until her new lover woke up to drop her home.
We have uncovered that the pandemic effected both of us in ways that has led to a lack of connection and we both say we want to focus on each other. We have now agreed to seek professional help. In the interim, I have asked her to pause (not stop) seeing other men until we had a chance to work on whatever was causing her to recklessly ignore our agreement and my wellbeing. She agrees that her tendency to ignore our agreement is restricted to men and not women. She has also confessed that she was seeking connection with others instead of rebuilding after the pandemic caused our own intimacy to suffer.
It took me a lot of courage to ask her to pause (not stop) seeing other men until we get couples therapy. It took me days before I could and I felt guilt because I worry I am coming across as patriarchal. Simply put, I do not feel safe in the relationship. I am anxious that our trust will be violated again. I would like to rebuild. I am physically feeling the effects of this trauma. It has triggered dormant epilepsy on a couple of nights.
Yet, while she says she wants us to stay together and wants us to work on our connection, she has not agreed to pause seeing other men while we find a therapist and focus on our connection. I do not want her to acquiesce or deny her genuine connections with her new lovers if she prefers them. She has asked for a few days to think about this before she agrees or refuses
Questions: Am I being controlling? Is it even fair for me to ask her to pause seeing other men? How have other poly people responded to consent violations like these?
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