When he brings his partners home for the night

Cleo said:
It is very interesting to me that for many people it is normal to have lovers over to the house you share with your partner, when partner is also there. To me this is NOT a normal aspect of (my) poly life and it never will be. My husband and I have very few restrictions and boundaries when it comes to our other relationships. But I have LOTS of restrictions and boundaries when it comes to my house, which is my safe place.
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It all depends, I think, on the inter-relationships between people (even the ones who aren't dating each other).

My home is my castle - and I need LOTS of warning if the boys are having people (friends/guests) over just to prepare myself. MrS never had any problem with this - when Dude started living with us he chafed under my restrictions. So we had to compromise - he can invite people over (after all, he lives here too) BUT I have to be warned AND I am not expected to "play hostess".

That being said, Lotus doesn't count as "guest" - she is free to come and go as she pleases, at this point she counts as part of our extended "chosen family" BUT that is because she has some sort of relationship with all of us, she doesn't need to be "entertained" because she is basically a "part-time" roommate. Similarly, 1 or 2 or all of us, will go and spend time with her and her husband at their house.

If Dude or MrS were dating someone that I didn't "like" I wouldn't be comfortable with having her in my/our house (plus, you know, we only have the one bed... :rolleyes:). Hmmm...

Inyourendo said:
I personally would never be comfortable going into another woman's home. I've never dated a man with a live in partner
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Hmmm...I'll have to ask Lotus how uncomfortable it was for her initially. Maybe it was easier because Dude's live-in partner (me) has another live-in partner (MrS) - which makes it more of a "group" situation rather than a "stealing time away from his live-in partner/ while invading her space" type of thing.:confused:

The eventual plan is to attach a "bachelor pad" addition to the house for Dude (who often sleeps on the couch anyway - as MrS snores). As long as it has it's own entrance I think this should ameliorate a lot of this (and give he and Lotus privacy - he's visiting her this weekend, while her husband is out of town, and mentioned that this is the first opportunity they have had to have a weekend "alone" together!)
 
I'm another one whose house is the "safe place." Hubby and I agreed when we started with our open marriage that we needed to keep our home for just us. (We also have teenagers, which gave us more of a reason not to bring other partners home...)

At this point, Hubby is monogamous and sexually exclusive with me, but he knows if he wanted to hook up with another woman either he would have to spring for a hotel, or she would have to be able to host. When I spend time with S2, it's always at his house; and when I was able to spend time in person with Guy, it was at his hotel.

To be honest, I wouldn't be comfortable bringing S2 to my home. This is the place where I'm with Hubby. It wouldn't work for me to blur that boundary.
 
Im sure im just weird. Deanna never once asked nate if I was ok with her coming over to our house. She clearly felt comfortable enough to come here. I know I would feel awkward.
 
Inyourendo said:
the majority of the women he's fooled around with are women that are lonely, they aren't very attractive, they are insecure and often have been hurt by men.
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And do they end up hurt again when they realize there's no real future here either? Or that at best, they can spend a life being Number Two?
 
WhatHappened said:
And do they end up hurt again when they realize there's no real future here either? Or that at best, they can spend a life being Number Two?
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They all know know that he's just there in a sexual and friendship capacity. They usually just have their fun with him until they get a boyfriend.
 
My gf and I have never had an issue with one of us having a lover come to her apt when I was there, or my apt when she was there. On occasion. I think it would be awkward if either of us were having a different person over several times a week though! I'd often go to miss pixi after my lover and I were done w sex, to sex her up if she needed it as well. She'd often get tittilated knowing what we were doing. Other people, like you, need space after their partner has been with another, and for that lover to take a shower. Some even need 24 hours apart.

Now, we've been living together for over a year. When we househunted, we made sure to find a place with extra room for guests. We have a ranch with a family room in the refinished basement. This room has a couch that converts to a queen sized bed. So, any of our lovers can be met and shagged down there, without disturbing the one of us upstairs.
 
WhatHappened said:
And do they end up hurt again when they realize there's no real future here either? Or that at best, they can spend a life being Number Two?
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What's wrong with being someone's Number Two? Which, by the way, a solely sexual relationship doesn't HAVE to be Number Two. I could value my sexual relationship with my Domme on the same level as any of my romantic partners (just a theoretical example).

And I would LOVE to be someone's #2 priority. That's a big deal. Would I make them a #1 priority if they made me a #2? Probably not.

By the way, since this is a poly forum, I'm assuming we're speaking more about levels than a #1 person, #2 person, etc. For example, committed romantic partners being on Level 1, committed sexual partners on Level 2, uncommitted sexual encounters on Level 3, etc.

My top level, in my case, would run something along Level 1: Work/Family (Family includes romantic life partners and close friends), Level 2: Semi-committed romantic partners, Level 3: Sexual/fun partners/Aquaintances
 
More to the subject, it does seem that those who want to keep something as "MY house" tend to be more hierarchical, which makes sense. If you and your husband are your top priorities, than it makes sense to keep your house as YOURS. Especially if you tend towards network poly and don't have any connections with your lover's other partners.

I don't really see my residency as mine, but ours. If I want my own place, separate from him, I'm free to get a place of my own. But as long as he's paying for part of it, he has every right to bring home who he wants. Since my partner tends to prefer to date together, he would never bring a girl home that we weren't mutually dating while I was home. Simply because it wouldn't be necessary if I were there. He only has casual encounters to fill needs when I'm not there.

But if I'm not home? What do I care who he has over or what they do? And even if I were, so long as they kept quiet when I needed to sleep, eh. Live and let live.
 
Candiedlove said:
More to the subject, it does seem that those who want to keep something as "MY house" tend to be more hierarchical, which makes sense.
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No. My gf and I might be primaries but having other partners over, or not, has nothing to do with the fact that we are primaries.

If you and your husband are your top priorities, than it makes sense to keep your house as YOURS. Especially if you tend towards network poly and don't have any connections with your lover's other partners.
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Not all of us have husbands. Whether we are lesbians, gay, bi, male or female, married, living with someone, or not, the question of having someone over depends more on other factors like jealousy and degree of introversion, kids at home, work and sleep habits, etc.

I don't really see my residency as mine, but ours. If I want my own place, separate from him, I'm free to get a place of my own. But as long as he's paying for part of it, he has every right to bring home who he wants.
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That works for you, it's not a given. Say your husband had a platonic male friend who was an annoyance to you. Would you want that guy drinking beer in your living room, snoring on your couch several nights a week, sitting his beer soaked self down at your kitchen table every morning?

Since my partner tends to prefer to date together, he would never bring a girl home that we weren't mutually dating while I was home. Simply because it wouldn't be necessary if I were there. He only has casual encounters to fill needs when I'm not there.

But if I'm not home? What do I care who he has over or what they do? And even if I were, so long as they kept quiet when I needed to sleep, eh. Live and let live.
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Whatever works. Poly accomodations come in many forms.
 
So, Brixbak, there are obviously several options: you can devise a schedule; designate certain days or time, or your whole apartment as a "safe space"; try to become used to his dalliances coming home through exposure; work through it in therapy; make sure you have something else to do or someone else to spend time with when he brings women home; invest in some good ear plugs; live apart; or break up. There are probably even more.

However, I think the most glaring issues are that he flies off the handle when you want to discuss it, first of all; AND that you are terrified of being seen as controlling, like his ex was. The way I see it, no progress will be made unless and until you both can sit down and have a reasonable discussion about your fears and upsets, try to work out some kind of compromise or arrangement that compassionately accommodates you both; and confront the fact that there is some emotional baggage surrounding the end of his marriage that is impacting you both.

You shouldn't be made to feel like you can't talk to your partner about things that are happening in your own home. You shouldn't be hesitant to make requests for things you need, out of a fear of seeming to similar to someone in his past. You shouldn't have to come to an internet message board and ask anonymous strangers what to do because your partner is refusing to address it. Do not accept that kind of treatment.

You can start a discussion with, "I need you to listen to me without assuming the worst about my intentions. I am not your ex, and this is not about controlling you, but I am struggling and I need your support and understanding in order to be able to support you in what you want. If we are truly equal partners in this relationship, we need to be able to talk about even the most difficult things, so I want you to really listen and hear what I have to say before you respond." Try to stay calm and be direct. Don't let yourself break down into sobs. I hope he listens. Good luck.
 
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see, i in general dont like anyone in my home. Jane comes over consistently but she's the only friend that I have for visits. I work and go to school full time which doesnt leave much time for cleaning. our house isnt disgusting but it's rarely presentable as we have 4 kids who are homeschooled. If I know someone is coming over I feel like it's an all day affair to get the house sorted.
 
I do not see Butch's request that Murf and I not have sex in his bed as hierarchical. It is his personal ick factor just like some of his bdsm requests do to me. Murf would be not want Butch and I having sex in his bed either. Neither guy is fond of seeing pdas with the other. So Murf doesn't give two shits that he cannot sleep with me at the other house. He gets me 50% of the time. I share a home, bills, huge life decisions,planning our retirement and futures together. Just the same as with Butch.

Just because I have separate beds for each husband in different homes doesn't mean shit.
 
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Magdlyn said:
the question of having someone over depends more on other factors like jealousy and degree of introversion, kids at home, work and sleep habits, etc.
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That probably has a lot to do with it. His having kids was a lot of the reason I went to his place. I didn't want to take away from family time and I love sharing.
 
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So again, thank you everyone for your thoughts. It genuinely helped me work through some of what I was feeling.

My SO and I sat down and talked about it yesterday. He seemed to honestly not realize how stressful these experiences were for me and we talked about ways to make it more comfortable for me.

A couple of people mentioned how their houses are their safe places and that really resonated with me. I realized that one of the biggest issues for me was that my house really is my safe place. It's the only place I can let down all of my guards and be completely relaxed and comfortable. When his dates come home all of that goes away which results in a lot of the stress that I feel. Knowing this we were able to put some ground rules in place. Before every date we'll talk and if I don't want to meet them he'll make sure to take them straight to his room to hang out so that I can still be free to roam the house without having to worry. (This may seem odd but he dates a lot and I don't want to meet them until they're seriously dating)

My other biggest issue is that I thought he knew how rough it was on me and he just didn't care as long as he got what he wants. This is definitely not the case. He didn't know and I didn't know how to express the reasons why until I'd gotten some of your thoughts. To avoid feeling ignored we're going to have a talk before every date that's going to come home just to check in, and then he's going to check in with me again once the date's over.

I don't know if this will fix everything, but it's a huge step in the right direction. We'll try with these new rules and adjust from there. I really appreciate all the input, reading your thoughts allowed me to identify and articulate what it is that bothers me so much. Once I could do that, communication became much easier.
 
Glad to hear you were able to better articulate and have a constructive conversation together. Keep sorting it out.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Another question I have is, are you really OK with your bf dating "a lot?" Just how many days or nights a week is he having women over? Does he have a few regulars or is he meeting random women and having new people over all the time?

My bf was dating "a lot" and had sex with 8 people in one year (including me) and that felt like too much for me. Especially because almost every new person he met brought drama into his life, and it bled over into mine in a very annoying way.
 
Magdlyn - He dates a lot, it goes in waves usually but it's way more than 8 a year. There are a few regulars where the relationship is based mainly on friendship, and a lot of new and fleeting encounters. I'm honestly fine with it. We're both very sexual people, so while some of his dating is relationship based a lot of it is sexually driven. Someone used the term 'polysexual' earlier which seems to fit him very well.

His dates don't come home often. If he can go to theirs he does which is why I wanted to be able to be ok with them coming here when it's necessary.

The actual act of him sleeping with multiple women isn't something I mind. As long as we're all safe, get tested, and I get enough attention he can enjoy exploring new partners all he wants. I think the fact that he'll tell me every detail if I ask helps, I find that my imagination is my own worst enemy.

We have pretty strict boundaries about exposure to each others partners (even more so thanks to last week) which helps limit the drama seeping over.
 
Candiedlove said:
What's wrong with being someone's Number Two?
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For some people, very possibly nothing.

However, we're talking very specifically about women who are already, by the poster's estimation, unattractive, lonely, and already have been hurt in relationships. I think these are exactly the women who are going to be further hurt by realizing they're number two and will never be anything else to this man. It's another blow and injury to an already damaged self esteem. These are exactly the type of women for whom this situation is going to be another wound, and another thing that drives them to believe they are indeed unattractive and will never be worthy of being someone's number one.
 
Candiedlove said:
You can't spend time with a woman without having loud sex? . . . I'm capable of being quiet and intimate...I mean, I've lived with roommates before. They were able to do the same. It's not hard.
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For you, it's not hard. For me it is very difficult to be quiet. We had a thread about that here once. I can't be quiet. I've tried. I've had lovers cover my mouth with their hands, I've put my head under a pillow, but when I have sex, I am loud. It stifles my ability to enjoy sex if I try to be quiet. Just wanted to respond to that.

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Inyourendo said:
Nate spends a lot of time getting to know people and later a flirtation developes. He rarely approaches people with the intention to fool around with them. Also the majority of the women he's fooled around with are women that are lonely, they aren't very attractive, they are insecure and often have been hurt by men. Nate is kind of a lover, he isn't picky about looks and he makes these women feel good.
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WhatHappened said:
And do they end up hurt again when they realize there's no real future here either? Or that at best, they can spend a life being Number Two?
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Inyourendo said:
They all know know that he's just there in a sexual and friendship capacity. They usually just have their fun with him until they get a boyfriend.
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Sounds healthy to me. He gets to know them, develops a friendship with them, which often leads to sex, but they know it isn't going to be a lifelong marriage-like partnership. They feel good, desired, and get to enjoy fun romps in bed with someone who genuinely cares about them as friends. He isn't deceiving anyone. There isn't anything wrong with having friends, nor with having sex with one's friends. Why would anyone think that kind of relationship is second to or lesser than other kinds of relationships? All relationships are unique.

WhatHappened said:
Candiedlove said:
What's wrong with being someone's Number Two?
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For some people, very possibly nothing.

However, we're talking very specifically about women who are already, by the poster's estimation, unattractive, lonely, and already have been hurt in relationships. I think these are exactly the women who are going to be further hurt by realizing they're number two and will never be anything else to this man. It's another blow and injury to an already damaged self esteem. These are exactly the type of women for whom this situation is going to be another wound, and another thing that drives them to believe they are indeed unattractive and will never be worthy of being someone's number one.
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Oh when will you get off your antiquated soapbox about women only desiring primary-type relationships and marriage? The women Inyourendo spoke about are obviously perfectly happy to be having sexual friendships with this man. They may not even have low self-esteem, and may not think of themselves as unattractive. That was just Inyourendo's opinion. If she met me, she could think I'm unattractive, when I think I'm pretty hot stuff, even though I need to lose weight. Not everyone needs the white picket fence dream to be happy and feel good about themselves!
 
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