When one person is poly and the other is not (triads or potential triads potentially??)

C

CpMmflooking

New member
So I know that a single woman looking for a male couple is a little bit unusual, (would also be open to two boyfriends who weren't each other) I have a physical disability, and have managed to find a mmf casual triad local to me who I am not dating, (I know bit of an oxymoron - because triad implies dating) but they are also in their 40s so I struggle with the age gap a bit, and lack of communication.

However, I have been posting in fetlife poly groups, and I got a private message from a young guy who said he and his partner were looking to be friends first then if things were compatible with the three of us, potentially a longer term closer relationship with someone, but also he also insinutated that they were looking to just sleep with a woman as well as his partner had always wanted the experience. They both were on the autism spectrum, as I got chatting to the guy that had messaged me, I was finding more and more in common however, I am in Australia and they were in the US, however he raised early on the possibility of them coming to Aus or me going there.

We started doing video chats, but I always noticed that his partner was out of frame or very quiet.

He and I continued to chat and things got heated with him being a submissive, and me tending towards more dominant.

Then last week, in our weekly video chat his partner said that he wanted to say something, his partner said that he didn't feel like he was poly, or that a poly relationship was something he wanted.

He acknowledged that both me and his partner were both more open to the idea (honestly I would say i'm polyabviorous, though not entirely sure or like open to both non monog and monog in certain situations)

He asked me what I expected out of the situation (knowing that I was looking for poly) and I said I had been really enjoying chats, and that maybe you know we could keep chatting and we could still do the visit thing. He said he just really wanted friendship between everyone, and asked me how I felt about that I said it was fine, but you know.

His partner then explained that he (the one who was asked for friendship) found socialising and that harder than he did, and things to that effect.

I said I was fine, but I was disappointed to be honest, but I completely respect his partner's thoughts and feelings on the matter (he also said that he thought his partner was really starting to like me) I just feel.... I don't know, disappointed? Let down?

The guy who reached out to me and I have spoken since then, and its just normal stuff, his partner did sent me a hi message the other week, but doesn't seem interested in engaging a lot so I won't push it. It just feels weird?

Look, I don't know what I would have done with the situation with the distance and everything but...

I'm starting to feel like I'm chasing an impossible dream, with an MFM or MMF triad, especially with the physical disability (which does limit the amount of people that will date you, it's the truth sadly) and people have said to me, just start by dating one guy, and then work on finding the second one, honestly, I can't even seem to find one.

I don't experience physical attraction to many people anymore (and found out recently there is low T now in my blood) when I've usually had a very high sex drive historically (the low T explains my sex drive being dead though) the people I do attract, are not really the kinds of people I see a future with (long term unemployment, still live at home, unmanaged mental illness - sorry if this offends anyone but I'm 27 and not getting younger, I have a post grad, have my MH managed, have lived out of home for the past 7 years, and have had the same job for almost 2 years - I also don't want kids ever, and a lot of guys seem to want them)

I feel like I've tried everything, online dating, speed dating, dating parties, going to bars, (Having people set me up is just not an option, I am very socially isolated, even though I have tried my whole life to make friends gone to meet ups see a psych versed in disability etc, - my closest two one is an hour and a half away and the other is 50+ and have done a lot of personal work on myself over the past year (though I am far from perfect) and nothing seems to work with dating.

My last serious relationship was 4 years ago, which ended for really messy and distressing reasons I don't want to get into, and I was dating someone end of last year/for the first few months of this year though she broke up with me before we went public (It would have been my first LGBTIQ relationship and a massive deal to me, even though I am to pretty much everyone, including my mum and brother - she already had a primary and secondary, but I am not sure if she was public about being poly).


I am pretty much at this point resigning myself to being single, I know you can still meet people in your late 20s and beyond, but it's feeling like I will be single for life. I have stable housing and a job for at least two more years, with quite a bit of savings, but I always thought I would have found that person by now (wanted two boyfriends my entire life, only really started seriously chasing it 9+ months ago)

Kudos if you read this far, just needed to vent to people who understand.

Please don't flame me

Thanks
 
Honestly, I would not give up hope just yet. Not sure if this means anything to you, but I was one who thought they would never get married. And come to find out, a month before my 39th birthday, there I was tripping down the aisle to marry my DH. :)

And I am sorry to hear of your breakups. Those are never, ever easy, and it really doesn't matter what age or sex you happen to be. :/. Have you been to counseling at all?
 
Welcome.

Why would anyone flame you? We are a respectful group of mature adults here, mostly (apart from the random troll, whom we deal with as swiftly as possible).

Dating is hard! You seem to have 2 issues going on.

1. Dating has been difficult. Take heart. Dating is hard for everyone.

2. You're "getting older" and you're afraid being disabled in some way limits your dating pool.

First of all, 27 is not old. Our brains have just about completed the maturation process at 27. I know many people hook up and even get married younger, but 50% of these marriages break up, and a lot of long term (3+ year) relationships don't last forever, either. And a lot of people who are married have kids and they stay together for the kids' stability, and not because they are really all that happy or fulfilled.

It is great to be with a person who ticks all or most of your boxes. Yes. I didn't meet my person who did that until I was 53. She was 32. Prior to that, I was with a guy, and we were mono/married, and while it was good in some ways, we had some areas of grave disconnect. I ended it after 3 kids and 30 years of relationship. It's a journey!

It's great to be open to dating one guy, 2 guys, a guy and a woman, or whatever. Just take it one person at a time. Join hobby groups where you might meet like-minded people?

Oh, btw, my partner of 12 years is also disabled in her arms. And I've got arthritis nowadays that limits my spoons. I have poly-dated a lot over the past 12 years since my marriage broke up, but while I've had a few relationships with (mostly) guys, that have lasted for months or years, none of them are around anymore. I've kind of given up on dating. But I'm almost 66, not 27! lol
 
Hello CpMmflooking,

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time finding anyone to date. The two guys in the United States, could you have a mono/poly relationship with the guy who is monogamous? What about the MMF casual triad local to you? I know they are in their 40's, but maybe you could date them as a sort of compromise. What's lacking in your communication with them, and what could you do to improve it?

I don't blame you for feeling frustrated. Hang in there and don't give up yet.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
CpMmflooking said:
I'm starting to feel like I'm chasing an impossible dream, with an MFM or MMF triad, especially with the physical disability (which does limit the amount of people that will date you, it's the truth sadly) and people have said to me, just start by dating one guy, and then work on finding the second one, honestly, I can't even seem to find one.
Click to expand...

You aren't doing yourself any favors by hunting for a specific relationship configuration. In my opinion you are better off focusing on building healthy relationships with individuals. Then, after you have established relationships with individuals, those associations have a chance of crossing streams and becoming more complex configurations (like triads and v's).

When we view a relationship configuration as a requirement or a higher priority than the individual relationships in said configuration, we are putting unreasonable stress on the individual associations. As you said, having one healthy relationship is a needle in a haystack, so presuming that we can attain several at a time, as package deal, we are being pretty unrealistic and sabotaging the associations that are right in front of us.

And man, I get being lonely and frustrated about finding new associations; it feels like such a monumental task most of the time. It's extremely common to feel this way, now more than ever.
 
If I may ask why the search for a triad?

The are one of the hardest poly configuration to maintain.

Why the need for everyone to be involved with everyone else?

I am the hinge in a MFM vee. My relationships are separate but equal. My husbands have little to do with each other.

I own property with both. Have savings with both. I split my time between the two. Heck I even own pets with both. I could go on and on.
 
I got a private message from a young guy who said he and his partner were looking to be friends first then if things were compatible with the three of us, potentially a longer term closer relationship with someone, but also he also insinutated that they were looking to just sleep with a woman as well as his partner had always wanted the experience.

Sounds like Red (generic color name) was up for getting to know each other for a casual sex encounter, becoming friends, or if it panned out, something more long term.

So you got excited and invest some time there. But came to find out his partner Blue? Actually wasn't into any of that even though Red sold it like he was. All Blue wanted was everyone to be friends. No casual sex. No leading to a long term poly thing.

So... then you were disappointed by that.

The guy who reached out to me and I have spoken since then, and its just normal stuff, his partner did sent me a hi message the other week, but doesn't seem interested in engaging a lot so I won't push it. It just feels weird?
Click to expand...

If it feels weird? It's ok to stop investing there and not even try to be friends.

I'm starting to feel like I'm chasing an impossible dream, with an MFM or MMF triad, especially with the physical disability (which does limit the amount of people that will date you, it's the truth sadly) and people have said to me, just start by dating one guy, and then work on finding the second one, honestly, I can't even seem to find one.
Click to expand...

I think you could tell people you are poly, and up for a MFM or MMF triad where everyone is involved with everyone else... but also be open to easier models like being in a V.

I am pretty much at this point resigning myself to being single, I know you can still meet people in your late 20s and beyond, but it's feeling like I will be single for life. I have stable housing and a job for at least two more years, with quite a bit of savings, but I always thought I would have found that person by now (wanted two boyfriends my entire life, only really started seriously chasing it 9+ months ago)
Click to expand...
Perhaps the disappointment with Red and Blue has you feeling a bit low, which pokes other things that make you feel down.

I see that. And it's ok to feel that way.

If you only started poly dating to try to find 2 boyfriends 9 mos ago or so during a pandemic? I get the being frustrated, and maybe needing some time to just sit with the bummed out feelings before you can let them go. It's ok to be bummed out!

I get that it's hard to find dating partners in pandemic, when you are disabled, and maybe you feel "old" at 27.

27 is NOT old. You are a young adult.

Hopefully over time pandemic will stop being a limiting thing all over the world.

Disability? Well, people come as they come.

You sound like you live in an isolated area too. That adds to the blahs.

But maybe when you are ready you can think about what might change in the 2 years when your housing is up. Maybe you can plan a move to a more populated area that might be more poly friendly?

I hope you feel a little better for the vent though.

GL!

Galagirl
 
Hi all, sorry it has been so long in getting back to you.

Update : The guy from from the states has stopped talking to me, and his discord says offline so..

I can't say that I am unhappy about that, as I kinda feel I was mislead on the whole thing. Okay, maybe more than kind of.

I said to his partner that the partner didn't hurt my feelings, it was more that I was lead to believe they were interested in poly, when even in the video chats it was clear they weren't comfortable.

I have got talking to another guy (who again is older) but is in the same state as me, and also sees a male friend occasionally (hoping to have coffee with him soon) and see where it goes, and working on seeing my other casual MMF triad again.

It has been very hard to plan anything for months due to my state being disproportionally affected by lockdowns, and constantly being open shut open shut (not many people are vaccinated here yet)

I am also now sorta involved with a poly girl and potentially her partner (need to clarify things once we can spend more time together)

@GalaGirl In terms of the 2 year thing, it is 2 years I have the job for not housing, I think it is the disability that can make meeting new people hard, anyway thank you for the comments.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, and I hope you have a great day/night
 
Hi CpMmflooking,

It sounds like you have some prospects, but Covid is complicating things. My advice is to pursue things where things are available, you might not get exactly what you had in mind, but you can still get something good if you hang in there.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.
 
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