When the NRE wears off and the real guy appears

G

Gborochick

New member
I feel so sad. My husband & I have been with another couple for almost a year and a half. The first 9 months were amazing! We were all in NRE and happy and having so much fun! We went on lots of weekend trips, and spent the whole weekend together, and then added a day during the week when we switched houses and had solo time. It was all soooo great! Then New Year's happened. J (the guy) had injured himself in early fall and his dog had also torn his knees and had surgery to fix. J was not a happy camper. He and his wife came to a New Year's Eve party with us that was huge and over-crowded, even though he hates crowds and loud noise, and he sat in a grump the whole time. This upset me and although I tried to hold in my anger, when I got to his house, it erupted. We got in a big fight and didn't really make up til the beginning of February! Isn't that too long to hold a grudge at ME for getting upset about his behavior? Since then, it's been on again, off again, nearly every month. Yes, he has lots of stressors, like his father dying 2 states away, but don't I deserve to be loved by the guy who professes to be my boyfriend? AND, this spring and summer, he has started vetoing trips we want to go on, and whining that he would rather just stay home. The last couple weeks, he was being friendly to me, but not giving me any words of affection. No "I love you's" or "I miss you's" or anything. When I was with him last night, I asked him to tell me something nice about me .... all he could say was, "You have a nice ass." Really? That's it? Finally, after some encouragement, he added, "You're my friend." Really? I've been his exclusive girlfriend for nearly 1.5 years and that's all I get? Don't I deserve more?
When I got upset about it, he acts like I'm letting my emotions take over and being unreasonable. I finally said, I just couldn't do it anymore. I talked with my husband and we decided to take a break from J and his wife for the rest of the month (3 weeks) and then see where we were. Frankly, I don't think we'll get back together... but who knows? Right now I feel upset, frustrated and very sad.
Does anyone out there have any advice, "been there" or comments to help me through this? Do I deserve to have a boyfriend who tells me sweet, loving things? Or am I being too needy?
 
So him being in a situation that you knew would be uncomfortable for him caused you to blow up at him and you think he should get over it because it was you getting upset at his behavior? Perhaps that was the moment that your non NRE came out and he saw the real you?
 
When I find myself in a situation where I don't like someone anymore I just stop seeing them , life I'd just waaaay too short to be unhappy in a situation you can change. Its a bummer that he turned out to be so drastically different than the person he was portraying himself to be. He sounds like he has already decided to check out and stopped trying to be the great guy you liked in the beginning. Ive had that happen to me and it really sucks when one part of the group is ruining it for everyone else
 
Did I know?

No, at that time, I did NOT know he was going to change into a closed down grump in the New Year's Party. I learned that AFTER that event.
What seems to happen now, over the past couple months, is that everything we (J's wife, me and my husband) want to do has to be gone through J. He always makes the ultimate decision about what we do/don't do.
When my husband & I had meetings with J & his wife and say, we should all have a say.... it just gets more uncomfortable.

Yes Inyourendo ... its' time to move on.... still seems pretty sad....:(
 
He and his wife came to a New Year's Eve party with us that was huge and over-crowded, even though he hates crowds and loud noise, and he sat in a grump the whole time. This upset me and although I tried to hold in my anger, when I got to his house, it erupted. We got in a big fight and didn't really make up til the beginning of February! Isn't that too long to hold a grudge at ME for getting upset about his behavior?
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You blew up, you both held the grudge... sure he could have said he didn't want to go, but he wanted to do it for you because he could see how much it meant to you. Sure you could have not asked him, knowing that he wouldn't have liked it, but then you would have been making his decision for him. Fact is I think you were right to invite him :) and he wanted to try too :)

He made all that effort but felt out of his depth on the day... despite all the effort on his part you blew up at him still. How do you think he felt?

I imagine he was stewing silently wondering when he was going to get an apology. You did the same though, so don't blame him entirely for the lack of good communication in this period.

It sounds like you guys could do with learning to empathise a little more. There are some really good articles out there on active listening which people on this forum have pointed me to, they can help with getting to understand the other persons viewpoint much better.

Good luck to you both!!
 
Could it be possible that he's struggling and could use some extra support/caring/understanding from you during this difficult time for him? Maybe you can ask him in an supportive way what's been going on for him and how you can be there for him. Those stressors might be weighing on him more heavily that he lets you see, and he may be coping by withdrawing from you and things he used to enjoy doing.
 
Wait, are you making your husband dump his girlfriend because of this?
 
Have you ever had constant life altering physical pain for a long period of time.

If you haven't you have no idea how much it screws up your life and your attitude.
 
Gborochick said:
He and his wife came to a New Year's Eve party with us that was huge and over-crowded, even though he hates crowds and loud noise, and he sat in a grump the whole time. This upset me and although I tried to hold in my anger, when I got to his house, it erupted. We got in a big fight and didn't really make up til the beginning of February! Isn't that too long to hold a grudge at ME for getting upset about his behavior?
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- He didn't fulfill your expectations for his behavior.
- You got angry and seethed until your anger erupted.
- A fight happened.
- It took over a month to make up.

I don't know if he was "holding a grudge", but why is it unreasonable that it took until February to mend the break? Things sometimes take time. Especially if communication during times of conflict is by eruption. Sometimes people will avoid that. Did you express your needs? Did you apologize for blowing up at him (I assume you would agree that an eruption of anger isn't good behavior)? Did either of you have a safe forum for talking about your feelings and needs without blame or judgement?

Gborochick said:
Since then, it's been on again, off again, nearly every month. Yes, he has lots of stressors, like his father dying 2 states away, but don't I deserve to be loved by the guy who professes to be my boyfriend?
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What you deserve isn't really the issue. There is no objective and omnipotent "relationship justice" that says what you deserve. You need to determine what he has the capacity and willingness to give you, and whether it meets your needs.

Gborochick said:
AND, this spring and summer, he has started vetoing trips we want to go on, and whining that he would rather just stay home.
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Do the other three of you not have the ability to go on trips without him? Would it be no fun for you? Exercising his right to say no (especially when he has been punished with anger for going along and not having fun in the past) doesn't seem offensive to me.

Gborochick said:
The last couple weeks, he was being friendly to me, but not giving me any words of affection. No "I love you's" or "I miss you's" or anything. When I was with him last night, I asked him to tell me something nice about me .... all he could say was, "You have a nice ass." Really? That's it? Finally, after some encouragement, he added, "You're my friend." Really? I've been his exclusive girlfriend for nearly 1.5 years and that's all I get? Don't I deserve more?
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Apparently you expect more. Have you told him that these are expressions you need to hear regularly from him? Is it important to you that your lover feel these things, or just say them? Would his saying them just to please you give you satisfaction? What needs of yours are being met here?

Gborochick said:
When I got upset about it, he acts like I'm letting my emotions take over and being unreasonable. I finally said, I just couldn't do it anymore. I talked with my husband and we decided to take a break from J and his wife for the rest of the month (3 weeks) and then see where we were. Frankly, I don't think we'll get back together... but who knows? Right now I feel upset, frustrated and very sad.
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So, you have these expectations. He fails to meet them. You get upset. Where is the part where you talk to him in a safe way about these expectations - where they come from, what they mean to you, how they make you feel? Maybe he would have other ideas to meet the needs that these scripted statements seem to meet for you, without him having to say just the right thing at the right time (which he could only know by reading your mind).

Gborochick said:
Do I deserve to have a boyfriend who tells me sweet, loving things? Or am I being too needy?
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"Deserve" again. Three times. What you "deserve" is impossible to define objectively, in any but the most general way. Someone might agree that you deserve some of these things. But that won't obligate J. It might make you feel self-righteous about dumping him, but you don't need any justification to end a relationship. What do you need? You expect to be told sweet, loving things. Why? What's the underlying need? Is this person able and willing to help you get that need met? Do you want to be with this person if he isn't? This is what you have to work with.

Bluebird said:
Wait, are you making your husband dump his girlfriend because of this?
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Yeah, that was kind of glossed over. Is this an "all or nothing" couple-dating situation? If you two break up, will your husband and his girlfriend also have to break up? Wild thought: Is he just trying to avoid that by trying to stay with you, despite his stressful life and your unmet expectations?
 
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I'm sorry you are struggling and sad. It is disappointing when some people's attitude changes after NRE wears off.

It's too bad about his injuries, and his dog's injuries!

Also, my current gf and my former bf also have issues with parties. Gf was shy, but is getting more outgoing over the 5 years we've been together, and does much better now. Bf was on the autism spectrum and just doesn't know how to navigate parties.

Again, I feel your disappointment, but I think others here have given you good suggestions.
 
You are DAMN TOOTIN' RIGHT that you deserve a boyfriend who will be the perfect, happy, fun-loving guy who does whatever you want, anytime you want, and thinks you're perfect, and has a whole long list of ways and reasons to tell you so...even when he's had surgery, his dog has had surgery, and his dad dies. Dump this loser and find someone like that. I think he's in the Perfect Life catalog right after the pot of gold and just before the golden goose.

I personally don't believe it's a mature attitude to talk all the time about what we 'deserve.' Do you ever stop and think about your own responsibilities to others? What you could be giving the world? Or only what the world owes you?
 
Hi Gborochick,

To be honest with you, being in relationships is about giving, understanding, and compatibility. That's pretty much it, in my opinion. There's a saying somewhere that immature love is about what you can get out of a partnership, while mature love is about what you can give to and share with a partner.

I do understand where you're coming from in terms of *wanting* a certain type of partner, or a certain type of treatment. Deserving it takes you into rocky waters. Your boyfriend/former boyfriend could just as well say that he deserves a partner who cares for him when he's going through a rough time, or who wants him even when he's not at his best.

It's not fair of me to pass judgment on your situation, because only you are in it. Only you know what goes on. When someone withholds affection, or worse, takes it out on you when they are having a rough time, it can be horrid. I do get that, completely. It's down to you to decide whether it's a case of needing to give that person temporary care, or whether the behaviour isn't ok with you.

All I can do is comment on a few things you've said and hope that it offers you something to reflect on, yourself:

Were J and his dog better by New Year's? Was J exhausted from injury? Had he been off work? Was he having financial problems after paying for his dog to get surgery? If J hates crowds and loud noise, have you thought about why he attended? Could he have been doing that for you? Does this show care? Do you think he felt pressured to come?

May I ask you to expand on why it upset you that J showed an adverse reaction to something you knew he didn't like? Why were you specifically feeling upset, rather than touched that he put himself through something he didn't want to do?

When did his father die? In the past 9 months, or less, J has been injured, his dog needed surgery, and his father died? What kind of support did you offer to J at this time? Did you talk to him softly, offer him comfort, offer him an ear, tell him that you'd be there for him, but he refused to accept or engage? Could he be depressed?

A month is a long time for a conflict not to be resolved. Why wasn't it resolved? Did you apologise to him for getting upset? It takes two people to resolve a conflict, doesn't it? What did you do, on your end, to help resolve it?

Do you think that your requests for reassurance ("Tell me something nice about me") came across as demanding? Do you think that feeling you are entitled to someone's positive regard can lead you to come across as a princess? Possibly?

I talked with my husband and we decided to take a break from J and his wife for the rest of the month (3 weeks) and then see where we were.
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Why did your husband decide to take a break from J's wife?

I don't necessarily think you're being needy, so much as overly-entitled and (sounding) self-centered. We can't force others to feel a certain way about us - they feel it or they don't. If they don't feel it, it is what it is. If they do, we're fortunate.

Now, if you've been extremely supportive, loving and patient, but have been getting rebuffed, I can understand your frustration. If J's lashed out at you, I can understand your upset.

Overall, my advice is to have a think about:
- Whether you can give without expecting anything in return
- Whether you are able to empathise with others
- Not being deserving of something, but of being grateful for it
- The part you play in any relationship, or any issues - what impact have you had?
- Whether you and J are simply incompatible, in which case, there's no need to hold it against J
 
Hi Gborochick,

Unfortunately, the bad thing about NRE is that it does wear off. They say it usually lasts somewhere between six and 24 months. If it lasted for nine months for you, then you are definitely within that range. So now it's happened. What will you do about it?

Are you only willing to engage in relationships that still have an NRE factor? because NRE makes a lot of things happen automatically that you and I have to make happen manually after the NRE wears off. We have to start deliberately communicating with our no-longer-in-NRE partner/s, and doing so productively. We have to start expressing and negotiating our needs. We have to consciously decide how we're going to show our loyalty and commitment to each other. Do you want to go to all that trouble? or is it only worth it if NRE is making everything happen by itself?

I'm thinking that J has developed some heavy-duty emotional issues and may need counseling, and/or prescription meds. He has been through a lot lately. What about the idea of the four of you going to see a poly-friendly counselor? It could prove helpful in working out ways to communicate with each other (and listen to each other).

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. Different people experience love in different ways. Different things mean love to different people. What is your love language?

  • Words of Affirmation?
  • Acts of Service?
  • Receiving Gifts?
  • Quality Time?
  • Physical Touch?
What is J's love language? Are you "speaking" to him in his "language?" Is he speaking to you in yours?

When people close up emotionally, it is like a hand closing up to make a fist. A fist is hard and defensive. It does not let anyone in. It takes a lot of gentleness and unconditional love to get a fist to relax and open up again, exposing the vulnerable inside of the hand.

Right now J is closed up emotionally. He is like a fist. He needs someone to be brave enough to approach him gently but repeatedly, in spite of his off-putting behavior. Are you that someone? Is it worth it to you? Would you like to see the gentle inside of his hand again?

I know that you are hurting right now, and I just hope you'll think about the things that have been said in this thread. Yes, sometimes it's better to make a clean break and move on, but ask yourself, what happens in the next poly relationship when the NRE wears off? Will you handle it the same way, or differently? and if differently, is there any way you can do that this time around?

I hope you find a solution that encourages everyone's happiness.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Could he be depressed? He's injured and his dad is dying. For some people myself included that can make me into a bit of a homebody. It just stresses me out and I find myself exhausted.

Perhaps he needs more support from you at this time.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Gborochick,



When people close up emotionally, it is like a hand closing up to make a fist. A fist is hard and defensive. It does not let anyone in. It takes a lot of gentleness and unconditional love to get a fist to relax and open up again, exposing the vulnerable inside of the hand.

Right now J is closed up emotionally. He is like a fist. He needs someone to be brave enough to approach him gently but repeatedly, in spite of his off-putting behavior. Are you that someone? Is it worth it to you? Would you like to see the gentle inside of his hand again?

...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Kevin that was truly beautiful.
 
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