When the Primary Becomes The "Who Are You Again?"

Sounds like you have decided to move out. Can't do it instantly. But you are looking for job and a new place.

In the meanwhile? How about you just pack up your clothes and stuff and move it to the second bedroom since there is one? They can be in the master bedroom since they've basically occupied it and you don't have to be living like waiting for the door to be open just to get to your things.

That conversation seems like it was a crap way of finding out that she's not leaving. Like really HE made a unilateral decision, she's going along with it, and he's using her for a loudspeaker rather than telling you himself.

But you know what? Since you plan to leave anyway? Detach, and step away from how the news was given. To make life easier on YOU while you still have to be here? Don't argue, be polite, and think whatever you want inside the privacy of your own head.

Come to think of it, my last mono ex horribly abused me mentally and emotionally--he was always manipulating me with his words. Parts of my family have done this, too. I guess I just attract those who can eventually take advantage. That's something only I can change about myself.
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When you leave, you might think about taking classes from a women's shelter or online and/or seeing a counselor to help you heal all the way. Take the time to develop healthy personal boundaries, figure out what healthy dating is and is not, and develop your personal standards for what is acceptable treatment to you and what is NOT.

But my S/O had saved me from my ex.
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What kind of "rescue" is it really if all it did was isolate you so HE can be the one bullying you? :confused:

Oh my gosh, that reminded me of something he's said before when scolding me about my behavior and how it effects others. He called me a bully, but then referred to himself as "the bully's bully". I started thinking I was worthless. He disagreed, but it is true I don't remember who I actually am anymore. I just have fragmented memories. Most people call me sweet and super nice, and I basically O__O at them like uhhh are you talking to me? I'm not sweet, I'm annoying..and easily think I'm one of the worst people on the planet haha...
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How are you annoying? Because you kindly offer a guest your bed? You offer to cook dinner for people? Because you are working toward an animation job?

I'm gonna guess. I might guess wrong. Is it like you absorbed all these "inner critic" voices over the years -- from mean family, mean BFs, etc? Like you play and hear all these old record albums in there saying the old mean things and they drown out any authentic voice of your own trying to speak up? Like you can't find your OWN inner voice from all the "noise" in there?

With the former poly relationship, he told me it was neccessary to have a person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and a person you mostly wanted to have sex with--and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
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Like he wants one to be the maid and the other one to be the fuck toy? And necessary for WHO? Him?

Quick example, the 3 of us were supposed to engage inthe group activity again that we all enjoyed. Earlier this morning, he came up, talked about work and if the 3 of us could meet up downstairs around 4pm. So around 3:57ish, I messaged him, asking if it was still happening. He responded with him being in the middle of training someone and that she was currently on a business call. Already expecting a cancel, I had prepared to go out and asked if he wanted anything picked up. He supplied means for me to order something and said I could just walk right in the room to get it. I did, and caught glimpse of her sitting at her computer, but very much not on a call. She was watching a video. And besides, how the heck would she be able to be properly heard on her call if he was already talking during his training session, less than 6 steps away from her?
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Detach. Stop worrying about whatever it is they do and whether it makes sense or not.

In the meantime, I'm getting my ducks in a row for plans to go elsewhere.
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Glad to hear it. I hope it happens smoothly and soon.

Galagirl
 
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If moving out isn't an option at this point, I second galagirl. Detach and treat them like roommates. Be polite in passing but otherwise stop engaging with them. Move into the guest room, pay the bills you're responsible for, clean up after yourself, but otherwise go on with your life as if he is a room mate that just happens to live in the house with you.

Is working a second job temporarily an option? If so that would serve three purposes: get you out of the house and away from them more, help you save money, and help you meet more people.
 
Is working a second job temporarily an option? If so that would serve three purposes: get you out of the house and away from them more, help you save money, and help you meet more people
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This. Even if it's bagging grocery. Or sorting mail. Or volunteering somewhere.

Just to get out in the fresh air more with other people!

Galagirl
 
I suspect that your partner who "HATES lying" actually lies all the time. And flips out if someone else lies to him.

He sounds manipulative and frankly kind of terrifying. Men who "rescue" women from abusive relationships are often abusive themselves, just more subtle about it.

Emotional abuse is subtle. It's a trick to get you to think the problem is you. It's a trick to get you to think you're annoying / useless / worthless /whatever.

You are thoughtful and kind. You deserve better than this.

You are currently going crazy trying to figure out what they are doing in the bedroom or with the food or whatever. GalaGirl is right. Detach. Focus that energy on yourself and your plan to get out as soon as possible.
 
Marcus said:
I strongly suggest moving your focus away from what these people are telling you to focus on.
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I'm curious who "these people" are. From my perspective, the OP has been given a variety of viewpoints. There's not one voting block here. And you're essentially saying what a few others have said.
 
So you serve these two hand and foot. You've given up your bed and your bedroom for them. You cook for them. You deliver the food to their door for them. You are almost certainly doing the cleaning, if they're busy in the bedroom 20 hours a day.

And in response you get...insults, criticisms, fault-finding, yelling, gas-lighting?

I suggest you tell him to get out of the house if he can't behave like an adult and like a husband.

At the same time, when people start having sex, feelings get involved. You encouraged him to have sex with another woman, and now you're surprised his feelings are spinning out of control? Feelings naturally go into high gear when people start sleeping with each other.

I wish you luck.
 
Men, when you tell your longtime partner "I want to start over with you as friends, because we never were, and see where things go from there.", is this a clear statement or is it saying something else?
 
Not a man. But to me? Really look at the statement.

"I want to start over with you as friends, because we never were, and see where things go from there."
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To me he is saying "I have NEVER been your friend. I've been using you all this time. Wanna stick around for some more?"

Or maybe he does mean he wants to try to "start over." But what he wants? Doesn't have to be what you want. Maybe you just want to be done.

Stick with your plan. Move to the other bedroom, carry on with your job training/search, and getting your own new place ASAP. If you still want to be friends? You can. From another location.

Galagirl
 
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To me, it says "We never had a deep connection, so maybe if we take out sex, we can try and make one." It never works, of course.
 
veryconfused said:
Men, when you tell your longtime partner "I want to start over with you as friends, because we never were, and see where things go from there.", is this a clear statement or is it saying something else?
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I don't think I've ever had a long term partner I didn't think of as my best friend. To me it says he doesn't really feel you connect on that level.
 
Most men aren't going to tell their partner this, because they are not the colossal asshole that your partner is.

You can tell him that you're not interested in being friends with him because he's treating you badly, and you're moving out, good-bye.

Honestly, I have no idea what he means. I don't think his words are going to make much sense, because what he wants is to be involved with the new lady while you quietly stick around expecting no love or attention.

Something is very wrong with him, but forget trying to puzzle out what it is. Stick with your plan and make a new, awesome life for yourself. You deserve better.
 
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