Hi and thank you so much for your valuable information and made me realize things I haven't even thought about! I will definitely dive into the article you have suggested and that is greatly appreciated!
Great. Reading up on this complicated and emotion-laden topic is extremely important. It's a huge step to go from swinging to polyamory. We often get people coming here who have been swinging but also dealing with developing feelings for lovers.
If you think about it, and understand the hormones involved, nature has designed us to bond with our sex partners. Oxytocin is released during sex/orgasm, which is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her infant when cuddling and breastfeeding. It makes you want to be with that person. It makes you highly interested in them, infatuated. Even sharing a drink or a meal with people releases oxytocin (in smaller amounts), making you feel more bonded to those you have eaten with.
Of course, this bonding response can vary from person to person. Some people need to fuck and run because of attachment issues from their childhoods, social anxiety, mental illness, sociopathies and so on. In your case, you thought you needed to keep other sexual encounters casual because of the prevalence of a monogamistic structure in society (or at least lip service to it, serial monogamy, etc.).
But I would like to answer the questions you have brought up as far as my wife and me. We have done both as far as swinging and poly. We are definitely allowed to go independently and have our one on one sessions. We also have a few married friends that share our interest and have the occasional swaps and parties... We have always had our rules of communication. We have been clear that we weren't out to seek out boyfriends or girlfriends,. So yes, it has only been sex only. Which we are both very happy with.
You WERE happy with it. But something has changed. When you have sex with a "friend," they may well become more than a friend. From what I have heard, many swingers have rules to prevent couple-bonding with sex partners. YMMV, but some won't allow kissing, or eye contact, or cuddling after sex, or platonic dates, etc., in an effort to keep the original couples' relationships intact. I guess for some swingers, these types of rules and understandings work forever. But others begin to feel those barriers are unnatural and begin to feel unsatisfactory and frustrating. They are fighting Nature, after all, and she is strong! So, they might cheat on their swinging agreements and have a hidden affair. Or they may be ethical about it and learn more about polyamory.
We have both have had a situation in where we both started developing a feeling towards our FWB of our opposite sex. We talked about it and we decided we didn't want to go that route. This happened a couple of years ago for me, and about 3 years ago for her.
How did that feel? Was there grief at those splits?
We have actually discussed, and a deep discussion at that, about how the person we bring into our marriage would be treated...
Please note that you won't be "adding" her "to your relationship," or "bringing her into your marriage." Try to think of her as an individual and you and Wife as individuals. A triad is 3 Vs stacked up.
You + gf (new relationship)
Wife + gf (new relationship)
You + wife (in polyamory, your old relationship will no longer exist; you will forge a new one, deal with jealousy, envy, displacement and other insecurities)
Then you also have the 3way dynamic. Each relationship must be allowed to go at its own pace, and given a chance to be nurtured as required.
and what we would want and expect from her.
You can want and request things, but you can't actually "expect" things. It is not ethical (or reasonable) to build a cage for your unicorn and demand she fit herself into it by twisting herself into a pretzel. That is called being prescriptive.
We definitely don't want to treat or make her feel like a second-class citizen or anything less than an actual love in our relationship. We fantasize, (and I say fantasize because I don't know if I would be possible) about loving her as an equal in our marriage.
She will never be fully an equal, because group marriage is illegal. If you want to set up legal protections for this hypothetical woman you would need to make a point of doing it; if you want to share a home she'd need to be added to the mortgage or lease, etc.
We would have to tell our friends and family because it wouldn't be right to hide her in the shadows and push her aside.
I guess since you are friends with so many swingers this wouldn't be too shocking to do.
We have definitely gotten to the part of the discussion where if the scenario comes up that she has more feelings or is more in tune towards one than the other. All I could think of is keeping the communication line open between the three of us and make sure our feelings are definitely known.
And figure out what to do... Demand a breakup if the feelings are not 100% mutual across the board? Let Wife and gf remain together (if gf doesn't want a relationship with you, after all) and then you go and seek another gf/bf? Break up the marriage and go your own ways?
We would be able to have one-on-ones with her. It most definitely wouldn't have to be a threesome all the time. There's so much we are thinking about how this would actually work out and we actually are both on board with the idea. But when it comes down to it, we have decided that if she's willing, we would definitely make her part of our family.
Keep in mind that she will have needs, requests, ideas and boundaries of her own, which you will need to accommodate. Some of her requests might make you uncomfortable, and that will be on you two to handle respectfully.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and giving me new things to think about so my wife and I can discuss these! We truly appreciate it!!
You're welcome!
