Where to start?

[nyxangel]

Hi All,

Let me start by saying I'm new and not quite sure where I fit in here, as such. I don't know if I can be considered poly-curious just yet, but I find myself in a situation where I feel the wonderful people of the poly community (yes, that's you guys!) are the people to talk to and bounce some thoughts off.

A quick intro to who I am and who we are-- I'm an open-minded, bisexual female in a 6-year monogamous relationship. As a couple, we're active within the BDSM community. From the very beginning of the relationship, we have discussed the idea of introducing a second female into our relationship on a sexual level. There's no pressure from either side. It's definitely something we're both equally interested in. Neither of us feel our relationship is somehow lacking something, as it currently stands. But we do feel a third person could bring a new and interesting dynamic. We are also both of the opinion that it's possible to feel love for more than one person at a time.

I suppose the fantasy is we'll find a mythical creature who will share our bed on a casual basis, with no strings attached, so to speak. Of course, the reality could never be that simple. On a personal level, we both agree that sex without some kind of emotional attachment to the other partner is just going through the motions. Although it might satisfy our physical desires, it's not going to add anything to our lives, as those physical desires are already being met. And, coming from a BDSM background, an emotional bond, along with the trust and understanding it brings, is vital to the activities we take part in. I don't think that level of emotional need can be satisfied by someone who just takes part in our sex life without playing a part in the rest of our lives too.

So, what's holding us back? Well, nothing on my partner's side, but fear on my part.

Fear that I may not be able to work through any jealousy I may experience.
Fear that I may end up feeling inadequate somehow.
Fear that once we've tried it, we might decide the poly lifestyle isn't for us, but our relationship will have been irreparably damaged by the experience.

Is the reward worth the risks involved? I keep coming back to the old adage, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a pessimist, by any means! I just want to make sure I'm prepared for the challenges we may meet along the way. It would have been so much easier if we had made the decision 6 years ago whilst the relationship was still new. But now I'm torn. His happiness is incredibly important to me. Worst case scenario, if the relationship morphed into a twosome that didn't involve me, for instance, and it made him happy, then I think I would be happy for him. But, of course, I'd rather that sort of situation didn't occur in the first place!

So, how do you do it?
How do you get past that fear of the unknown?
How do you deal with any jealousy that may occur?
How do you decide that the risk is worth the possible rewards?

Of course, we can only make those decisions for ourselves, but I would really appreciate hearing some of your thoughts and opinions.

 

[redpepper]

I suppose the fantasy is we'll find a mythical creature who will share our bed on a casual basis, with no strings attached, so to speak.

A unicorn? Do a search, there is lots on here about that.

So, what's holding us back? Well, nothing on my partners side, but fear on my part. Fear that I may not be able to work through any jealousy I may experience. Fear that I may end up feeling inadequate somehow. Fear that once we've tried it we might decide the poly lifestyle isn't for us, but our relationship will have been irreparably damaged by the experience. Is the reward worth the risks involved?

Of course it's worth it. To me, anything that gives me a deeper understanding of who I am, and a deeper understanding of who I chose to share my love with, is very worth it. It sounds like "if it ain't broke," then you are in a great place to move forward with polyamory. It's when people come on here who have had it forced on them by their partner, and now have to deal, or are asking for poly relationships, and their partner is wary, that I worry. If you are both looking for more, and find that what you have is not enough, then the time is right.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a pessimist, by any means! I just want to make sure I'm prepared for the challenges we may meet along the way. It would have been so much easier if we had made the decision 6 years ago whilst the relationship was still new. But now I'm torn. His happiness is incredibly important to me. Worst case scenario, if the relationship morphed into a twosome that didn't involve me, for instance, and it made him happy, then I think I would be happy for him. But of course, I'd rather that sort of situation didn't occur in the first place!

So how do you do it? How do you get past that fear of the unknown? How do you deal with any jealousy that may occur? How do you decide that the risk is worth the possible rewards? Of course we can only make those decisions for ourselves, but I would really appreciate hearing some of your thoughts and opinions.

The length of time you have been together, the fact that you seem like a strong couple that are in tune with each other, indicates to me that you may be ready. Do lots of reading of others stories on here, look all over the net, ask questions when they come up, communicate, start thinking of boundaries and "rules," get used to the language, look at dating sites, seek out a poly group in your location, decide who you are looking for, and then patiently wait until the universe provides. Be ready and it will come.

Remember that we get what we ask for, so be very careful what you seek and be open to what comes along. I believe that people and circumstances happen for a reason. Being open to seeing why things happen and why people come into my life is very important to my growth as a person. I suggest that it would be for you, too.

Good luck.

 

[nyxangel]

Thanks for your reply, Redpepper. We've definitely got a lot to think and talk about. Just writing my thoughts down has clarified a few things in my mind, which I wasn't really expecting. In reality, I'm more ready for this than I originally thought. My fears, although real, I can see are somewhat irrational. That's not to say I won't come to light, but that I can kind of see past them.

If I weren't "enough" for my partner, or he needed something different, then he'd have gone out already and found someone else, right? We've always communicated openly in our relationship and taken a very realistic view. Right from the start, we've recognised that feelings (and people) can change, and although we can make a commitment to each other right now, we can't promise that we'll love each other forever. It's been agreed that if that should happen, then we'll talk it out and decide where to go from there. That doesn't mean I've been sat around worrying for the last 6 years that his feelings towards me might change, so why should I be worried now? We take things day by day and see how the relationship develops. I guess we just need to take that same organic approach when we start on this new part of our journey together.

It's a little more difficult to understand why we want to take things in this direction, though. It's something we will have to discuss, I suppose. On my part, it's not because I'm looking for something more, or what we have alone isn't enough, and I'm definitely not being forced into it by my partner. I'm not sure I can really say why I think it might be right for us. I just know it's something I would like to explore.

I'm a little more concerned about my partners motivation, though. I'm not sure what it is yet. His desire to find a unicorn makes me wonder if this is the right path. Are his motives purely to spice things up a bit? Is it just a sexual fantasy? Or is he searching for a unicorn because he thinks I'm more likely to agree to it as the safer option?

I know for a fact that although he is more than able to find females sexually attractive, he needs the mental attraction to make it a fulfilling experience. It's how we met. We were both single people who had had a string of casual encounters that left us feeling unfulfilled. We were both looking for someone we could have a deeper connection with, but on a no-strings basis. Neither of us were looking to end up in a long-term full-on relationship. But here we are 6 years later, with a mortgage and a wedding to plan.

Who knows? Maybe that's where my fear of being replaced comes from. I've seen such a strong bond being unexpectedly formed so easily before, and I'm concerned it will happen all over again and I'll be left out in the cold. But why should that bother me? My logical brain knows he had been in relationships in the past, but things never clicked the way they did when we got to know each other. I'm so different from any of his exes. If it were so difficult for him to find someone he really clicked with in the first place, and it hasn't happened with anyone else since, then what are the chances that it will happen now?

As for rules and boundaries, well, neither of us are keen on them, really. I'd like to think we can take the same approach we take with our relationship at the moment. The only rules we have are if something concerns us, or one of us is unhappy in any way, we make time to talk about it and find a way forward. Similarly, if one of us develops feelings for another person, we will discuss it openly, think about what direction we would like things to go in, and see where we end up. We've never tried to steer our relationship in any particular direction, and I'd like to think that we could approach a poly lifestyle in the same way. Rather than say we should do this, this, this, and this, we're more likely to say, "Let's just give it a try, see what happens, and make changes if need be."

Anyway, it seems I'm starting to ramble.

Thanks again for your reply, Redpepper. It's given me lots more to think about.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Dynamics

Hi Nyx,

Thanks for digging deep and sharing that stuff with us. In reading it through, the first thing that springs to mind is this thing about "completion." Although I don't know of it connects directly to any particular statement you made, I think it may be an important element of the overall picture. There seems to be this concept, this camp of people(?), from which comes this idea that we become "completed" via someone else. I see it a lot. It scares me, because I believe that:
1) We can only "complete" ourselves.
2) We're all multi-faceted beings by nature, and the pieces we need for completion are going to come from many sources, some inside, some external.

I emphasize that these are only my beliefs, formed from a lot of observations of the world around me and a lot of soul searching. Maybe others believe differently and their truths are different.

From a practical perspective (and I bet you could build your own list), we all have our own set of needs and preferences for our life to feel right to us. Lots of simple things, even. Preferences in food, activities, intellectual stimulation, sexual stimulation, etc. Long list. When these things are going to involve other people, I don't think it's realistic to hope we are going to click on all those items, all those levels, with one single individual.

Putting this concept out on the table and analyzing it helps keep some of these things in their proper perspective. A lot of the items that come up, that people see a need to reach out for, out beyond any particular relationship or connection, are just our uniqueness coming to the surface.

If you view it from this perspective, why is it a threat? Can't we be supportive and encouraging of those around us to seek their own fulfillment without feeling we're losing the connection that does exist between us?

For me, it's all in how you look at it.

GS

 

[nyxangel]

Thanks, GroundedSpirit. It sounds as though my thoughts are somewhat similar to yours. It was definitely something of an eye opener when I learned that lesson. After a string of not-so-great relationships, I made the decision to take some time out and take a long hard look at myself and what I actually wanted/needed from a relationship. It was during that time that I realised that I needed to be comfortable by myself before I could play a truly positive role in a relationship. I needed to be whole, all by myself. Relationships with friends and lovers should add to what you already have, not fill in the bits you're missing.

It was that shift in thinking that led to huge changes for me. I no longer experienced the jealousy and fear that I'd felt in previous relationships. I didn't look to a partner to provide emotional security. I found it within myself. I let my relationships make me happier, rather than relying on them to make me happy in the first place. Finding my partner who has a similar outlook led to a very balanced relationship, which has been wonderful.

You're completely right. When you look at things from that different perspective, introducing other people into our relationship doesn't seem so threatening. Thank you for reminding me to apply that thinking to this situation. t's that pesky societal conditioning clouding my vision again!

 

[Erosa]

I think, based on what I've read, that you and your lover need to ask each other point blank: "What do YOU want to gain out of a poly relationship?"

If all he desires is the sexual gratification of seeing you with another woman, then I don't think poly is really for you and him.

Though I'm very new to this, I have the understanding that poly relationships ARE relationships. That's different from a one-or-two-time sexual fling.

It's probably going to be hurtful to any woman you approach if you seem to be offering a relationship, when all you really want is a few nights of fun. So. make sure you know if you want a RELATIONSHIP or a FLING. Otherwise, people's emotions might get trampled on-- yours and his, as well as the unicorn's.

All that being said, I wish you both luck in your journey of discovery.