Which way to turn?

You rock Mo....My wife did this for me a few months back. It was really rough on her, and I don't think I ever thanked her for it. Thank YOU for reminding me of it. ;)
 
Just wanted to let everyone on here know that my wife exceeded her dietary/workout goals for the week. Not "met" them, but EXCEEDED them.

She kicks ass, and I'm proud of her.
 
Karma said:
Just wanted to let everyone on here know that my wife exceeded her dietary/workout goals for the week. Not "met" them, but EXCEEDED them.

She kicks ass, and I'm proud of her.
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Woohoo! Yea Mo! Keep up the work girlie! I have been following on here, and on Karma's. I am so happy you kept your blog going. It keeps me in touch with you both. I was very sorry to hear about Cricket. Not sure if that will ever change for the better. But realize her youth maybe played a part in the cutting ties. She may be overwhelmed at times. And I do not think that she did not realize it was seeping into your marriage, but she seems very sensitive to not wanting to hurt you...or be the cause of continuous struggle. All of our relationships start out at different points and under different circumstances but the common thread is that as poly we have come to love more than one, and as mono on here you have come to find support in navigating through a now poly relationship. Of course his pain is effecting you. Your strength and unwavering love is effecting him just as much. Cricket may not be at that level of "give everything I have" for love. And I think she is a very sweet girl. And I do not think you would have formed a friendship with her if she was all that bad. She just isn't at your level of acceptance. At times neither am I:p
Keep being his rock. Keep posting. No matter what happens to their relationship this was quite a journey, and will have some fallout for some time to come- whether or not you and Karma continue a poly lifestyle.
Hugs darling girl!:)
 
*hugs* One thing I've learned throughout dealing with people, in general, is that you cannot help or hinder what they choose to take personally. Most times, there is something of themselves they see in a situation in order to take it personally to begin with. Her failure to (1) see that you are not here to personally attack her or blame her for anything; (2) take an introspective view on much of what you share here since it is reflective of what your Karma is going through due to the details of their relationship; and (3) step outside of self and reflect on what it feels like to be in your shoes having to endure this should not keep you from expressing your thoughts and moods, especially, if this forum is one of the ways that allow you to be supportive to Karma by releasing your concerns and brainstorming amongst people who can relate to you and your circumstances. We would miss hearing about your journey if you stopped posting. I'm glad Karma is in better spirits. :) You may not do the chick flick, chocolate, and kleenex but maybe a dick flick, beef jerky, and a massage would help. :D ~~~~sending you healing, perseverance, and love vibes~~~~~
 
eklctc said:
*hugs* One thing I've learned throughout dealing with people, in general, is that you cannot help or hinder what they choose to take personally. Most times, there is something of themselves they see in a situation in order to take it personally to begin with. Her failure to (1) see that you are not here to personally attack her or blame her for anything; (2) take an introspective view on much of what you share here since it is reflective of what your Karma is going through due to the details of their relationship; and (3) step outside of self and reflect on what it feels like to be in your shoes having to endure this should not keep you from expressing your thoughts and moods, especially, if this forum is one of the ways that allow you to be supportive to Karma by releasing your concerns and brainstorming amongst people who can relate to you and your circumstances. We would miss hearing about your journey if you stopped posting. I'm glad Karma is in better spirits. :) You may not do the chick flick, chocolate, and kleenex but maybe a dick flick, beef jerky, and a massage would help. :D ~~~~sending you healing, perseverance, and love vibes~~~~~
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Thank you. I'm still trying to figure out that balance of what I'm allowed to say not allowed to say. I don't want to make things any harder on him. I know she and I fighting puts a lot of stress on him and I don't want to do that to him.

On the plus side, this is good for weightloss. Everytime I get angry or upset, I head to the wii and workout instead of sending her a nasty message.

And on an even more plus side-Karma got his financial aid!!! We're not gonna be homeless!! He just has to concentrate and not fail this semester.
 
Communicare-communication driven by caring

School starts to tomorrow. I'm beyond psyched for my classes. And beyond nervous for Karma. He's failed quite a few semesters. He's beyond smart enough to do this. But that is part of the problem. He gets bored (or distracted) and stops going to class. He has two classes, but they take up four nights of his week. I am so affraid of all the work he's done getting pushed aside for old habits. It's part of the trust thing. I have to trust that he wants to improve his life, and our life, and to do that he has to concentrate on school.

So with school, cricket, needing to find work, extra curriculars, a roommate on the couch, needing to find time to workout, needing to find time to do homework, keeping the house clean, and of course needing time for eachother. We've decided it is extremely important to communicare.

I'm looking forward to it. It's time to put what we have learned and worked on for the last year, into action. It's time we take control of our lives and make something of ourselves.

I'm proud of us. I'm scared, but I'm proud.

And on a lighter note, I fired Karma as my coach. He counts to slow :D Todays workout kicked my ass. I'm so lucky to have a martial artist for a husband. We both know a lot about the body and workouts, but from two opposite sides. It's made it nice to combine thoughts and methods and teach eachother. And it's nice to have a coach who knows me and how I work and how I self sabotage. He's firm with me when I need it and he's comforting when I have breakthroughs.

I'm a biggest loser fan, and a few seasons ago, jillian michaels said that when you work out you are sweating out emotion and you havent had a good workout if you didnt cry.

I didn't believe her until Sunday night. But Karmas pushed me past a lot of boundries the last few days. He's forced me to get out of my pattern of self sabotage. And it feels great, but scary as all hell as well. I'm learning to heal old wounds that I've been locking away for too long.
 
Wow Mo. I had no idea Karma was a martial artist. I'm a 3rd dan in karate, and a blue belt in BJJ. Also did Boxing for 2 yrs, and wrestling for a year.

When I had my MMA school open, my students did one of two things every class. They either fell down, or they puked. But when we all went to fights, our guys were usually the only ones who could fight a full 3 rounds with out getting gassed. :D My wife fired me as her work out coach also before. LOL I was too militaristic, and pushed her too hard. :rolleyes: LOL
 
She thinks I'm hard on her... wait until she comes out to a practice that I'm helping to run ans she sees what I put the 'troops' through ;)
 
TL4everu2 said:
Wow Mo. I had no idea Karma was a martial artist. I'm a 3rd dan in karate, and a blue belt in BJJ. Also did Boxing for 2 yrs, and wrestling for a year.

When I had my MMA school open, my students did one of two things every class. They either fell down, or they puked. But when we all went to fights, our guys were usually the only ones who could fight a full 3 rounds with out getting gassed. :D My wife fired me as her work out coach also before. LOL I was too militaristic, and pushed her too hard. :rolleyes: LOL
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Well I thought he'd explain for himself but I guess not :) I couldn't tell you what all Karma has studied cuz there's just too much there for me to remember. But what I do know is he knows his stuff and is damn good.

I grew up an Army brat. My parents are both Army retired. So militaristic is kind what I need, with a small bit of compassion thrown in. :D


My experience is in different forms of dance. And what I have learned in my classes (looking at a dual degree of nutrtionist and chef). So it's nice to combine our experience and put it into a working plan. We're both learning new exercises and it's fun to find something we can do together that is healthy for us.

I didn't really fire him, I'd be lost without his help and direction. Although I really wanted to. I have never pushed myself that far. I rush my counts, which I didn't realize until he was counting for me. One of the reasons I fell in love with him is that he doesn't take my shit. I love that I can't pull anything over on him. I can yell if I need to and he yells right back. But he also has the ability to make me see reason. He has this way of saying "No you didn't do it right do it again. No you rushed it do it again. You're psture isn't right straighten that" and I do it, because I want to impress him, I want him to be happy with me. If I hired a trainer, I wouldn't give a shit. My self deafeating ways would kick in, I'd make excuses and not give it my all. I know I can't do that with Karma, and I don't want to do it with him anyway.

I'm just damn lucky he's willing to take the time away from what he is doing to help me. I have to instigate it, but if I walk out with my binder and say "My knee is bugging me, what else can I do?" He stops what he is doing, looks through it, and then spots me while I do it.
 
Don't know why I bother anymore. No matter what I do or say, it's wrong or taken wrong.

So what I have learned this week is that I am hypocritical, judgemental, icey,intimidating, hard to approach and pretty much an overall shitty person.

Nice to know what's really thought of me.
 
Karma and I talked last night. I asked for examples of the things I was being accused of. The more we went on, the more we both realised he seemed to be projecting. The examples he kept giving, weren't accurate. He seemed to keep reading between the lines, when there weren't any lines in between to read. I'm pretty up front. What you see is what you get. The last few months when we'd fight, he's accuse me of things that were so out of character I thought I was going crazy. I didn't remember doing said things, I knew the intentions he was claiming, weren't really there. I was kind of lost as to where all this was coming from. So I made him sit down and go over with me. And to my relief I'm not going crazy. :D Now we just have to figure out where the projections are coming from and why, and then move forward.
 
Ya know, screw 2011. Just found out that Karma is taking enough credits to get a school loan. So we have to make my loan last 6 mos. and it's only enough to last 4 if we stretch it. AND loans aren't being disbursed until "Up to 14 days after Jan 31". My Rent is due on the 5th at the latest. I have no idea what the hell to do. We'll most likely have to fight an eviction and pay whatever late fees we have to pay.

So screw this year. I'm over it.
 
Just call the office ahead of time and let them know what's going on. They've always been really cool with us before, and this is the first time we've had an issue like this.
 
Karma said:
Just call the office ahead of time and let them know what's going on. They've always been really cool with us before, and this is the first time we've had an issue like this.
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EXAXCTLY!

Mo, coming from an apartment manager's point of view ?(my wife and I have managed apartments for about 8 years or so) just like any poly relationship....You've got to be honest and COMMUNICATE. ;) Go in to the office and let them know whats going on. Ask them if you can pay a little late this time. Explain that it's your first time being late, and you would hope that they could waive the late fee's this one time, but understand if they can't.

My wife and I were allowed to waive at least one late fee for every 12 months a tenant was living with us. It's worth a shot. ;) Good luck.
 
To add to this^.... I would tell them you will sign a promisary note to pay by a certain date. This will put the owner and the manager at rest.
 
Thanks TL and LT, just got off the phone with the rental company. They are going waive the late fee as long as we pay by the 15th (please let the check come before then). But we will still get a court notice, she said as long as we pay and keep in contact with them we won't have to go to court.

I've never had to do anything like this before. My nerves are kinda shot. I've gotta be up for class in 8 hrs, and I'm wired.

I'm greatful for the advice, it kept me somewhat calm.

So much else is going on right now, at least this part is kinda sorta under control.

Now I just have to get my check from school, Karma and I need to find work and a lot of stress will be relieved.

Then we'll just have emotional stress and drama to deal with.
 
Class went well tonight, it helps when I have been doing the stuff we are learning for the last 6 yrs. It's all review for me, but was able to help others in class.

Was going to have to drop my cake decorating class but the chef is letting me continue since I have been keeping up with the work while sick as hell. Hopefully this is my last illness for the next 10 weeks, can't miss another class.

Mom is my hero again, paying our rent so we don't have a late fee. Just have to pay her back when our school loans come in. Whenever that will be...

Baked some bread so I can make sandwiches for school tomorrow, my steering fluid is leaking so Karma has to drop me off on his way to school, and he has to go in earlier than normal, so I get to sit and do homework for 3 hrs.

Karma is spending some time with Cricket tonight, and our roomy is at work so I am enjoying the quiet and the smell of baking bread.

Also on my mind-My family and friends in Ohio are losing power left and right due to the snow and ice they are getting. Hoping they all stay safe and warm. Worried about my brother. He's a supervisor for a cable company, and goddess forbid someones cable goes out :mad: he gets called out to fix it, no matter what the conditions.


So overall things are good. Still processing a lot. Fighting old demons. Had my first flashback/anxiety attack in yrs a few nights ago. I'm trying to put on a good normal face, but I'm still dealing with a lot of the emotional fall out.

Panda walking out of my life was hard.

Been doing a lot of self exploration lately. I know Panda leaving wasn't my fault. She's got a lot going on and isn't seeing things correctly. It doesn't help that she just moved two months ago, and isn't taking any of her meds.

But that doesn't change the hurt of losing her. In the midst of all of that, Karma brought up a lot of stuff about me that I wasn't seeing. After talking through it, we've realized what he was seeing wasn't completely accurate, but there is still some work to be done.

Fighting old trust demons. Karma has been amazingly patient. He says he is done with lies and hiding things from me. But everyonce in awhile something comes up that allows my imagination to get the best of me. I hate it and it makes me feel like shit for even questioning it.


And I'm about to call the cops on the upstairs neighbors. 11:30 at night and it sounds like they are throwing furniture. Something is thudding loud enough to shake the walls. But there is no yelling or anything going on. Maybe it's a poltergeist? Whatever it is, it's annoying.
 
Karma put me through my first boxing workout the other day. :eek: Kicked my ass!!! I felt good, I felt like I finaly found the workout I have been hunting for since I quit dancing. But I am so feeling it now!! And according to our schedule I've got another one due tonight.

He says I'm a natural. That I immediatly understand the things he explains and that I naturaly go into the positions I need to. Apparently I not only inherited my grandfathers outlook on life, but I also got his body build and natural talent for fighting. :D He never liked fighting, his dad started him in it when he was very very young, to pay for his dads drinking. But he took all four of us kids out the barn when he thought we were ready, and taught us the basics of how to protect ourselves. Being the only girl, I really valued that I got the training as well. He always made sure I was included in whatever the boys were doing. I can out shoot my husband b/c of it ;). But anyway. There's some part of me that is proud I have it. Some part of him I can take with me everywhere.

And according to Karma I have knockout punches. Which surprised him, since all of my muscle is in my legs from dance. I have never had upper body strength of any kind, so it surprised me to. Quite a few times I looked up to see him laughing and when I asked why, afraid I was looking like a complete fool. He'd tell me he was laughing because he could feel the hits through the mit and he was surprised and proud of me.

So yeah, I think I just found my favorite workout. It builds muscle, speed, endurance and is a full body workout. It's like dancing in a lot of ways too, but with less stress on my joints. I just have to remember to take a muscle relaxer before hand. One of my usual fibro trigger points is really flaring and hurts like hell. But I have noticed over the years that the places I have muscle tone, are the places that are less sensitive, so I'm hoping this will eventualy go away.


Our checks finaly came in so we can pay bills and buy food and you know...survive!

But that's about where the good ends.

I'm heading back to my therepist for the first time in 2 yrs. My anxiety has gotten out of control. I'm not seeing things the way I should. It's frustrating, but she really helped me before so I'm hoping she can do it again. I really don't wanna go back on my meds. I don't want to have to choose sex life or sanity.

Had to drop one of my classes b/c of it all. which really isn't helping my mental state.

There's a lot of other shit floating around in my head. But I'm still trying to figure out how to word it all. So for now I think I am going to try to go to bed. Yeah, bed at 9am. My sleep schedule is screwed again too.
 
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