Which way to turn?

Woman is a natural. Her hooks are SCARY - after awhile, they were hurting my hands, through the punch mitts. Her punch speed is still slow - I was working her on a combo - and her jab is a little sloppy, but those are things that will naturally correct themselves with experience.

I pity the poor fool that she punches. Mah baby's gonna knock you out!! :)
 
Mohegan said:
I can out shoot my husband b/c of it ;).
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Don't discount natural talent here either.:D I can out shoot my brother, and we had the same amount of shooting time, same guns, etc and both of us have good eyes. I can almost out shoot my dad, but he will up his practice time when I get too close.:p

I have never had upper body strength of any kind, so it surprised me to.
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In comparisson to whom? If you've compared yourself to other guys, that's not a fair comparisson. There is a difference between throwing a punch vs trying to loosen a lug nut on a tire, completely different physics involved. Holding a gun up long enough to keep your aim true takes upper arm strength.


So yeah, I think I just found my favorite workout. It builds muscle, speed, endurance and is a full body workout. It's like dancing in a lot of ways too, but with less stress on my joints.
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:D

Yeah, bed at 9am. My sleep schedule is screwed again too.
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Inconsistent sleep schedules can fuel your anxiety and mess with your head and body. Try and set a schedule that will work for you and get Karma to help you keep it and see how you feel after a week.
 
I did pretty well all weekend. Now I'm getting mopey again. I wish we would have gotten to spend today with Cricket. And with Panda. I'm so thankful for Karma and the time we had together this weekend. It just seemed off. Knowing there are others we love that we couldn't be with.
 
"Always look on the bright side of life..." Sing it aloud my dear! Remembering you have others to love is a good thing! And I am sure they thought of y'all too! Mopey/angsty feelings be damned!
 
So fucking sick of liars and rollercoasters. And I can only imagine what it's like for Karma. I'm not really allowed to say more than that. Which just pisses me off even more. I have no one to talk to about any of this anymore other than my brother and I am so not about to call him on his 25th birthday, while his wife is pregnant and not able to eat b/c she is so ill, and our mother is so sick my dad may be taking her to the hospital. Not the kind of thing he needs to deal with today.

A very small part of me just wants to say pay backs a bitch.

But then I feel bad for even that small part. Because I don't want to say that. He doesn't deserve this. He's done nothing but better himself. Nothing but work to be everything we both love about him. To build a better life for us, to become a better person. And he gets shit on for it. And he turns to me to answer questions I cant answer. With no outlet for my anger I just end up taking it out on him, which he doesn't need or deserve.

I want to be there for him, to tell him how to make it better. But I can't. I'd do it for him if I could. But I can't.

I just stand by and try not to get mad when he yells, and cries and asks me things I cant answer, and blames it all on himself, when from where I'm standing he's done nothing wrong. He's done nothing but do what she's asked him to do, and yet he gets lies and stabbed in the back.

I just want to hit something. I just want to be able to explode about how I really feel about all of this shit.

And I can't.

I keep my promises.
 
Mo,
It's rough....but as the saying goes; This too shall pass. With time, everything passes, and life returns to "normal". Now, "normal" may end up being without certain other people in our lives, but it will be "normal". Be patient, and be supportive. You will earn so much more respect that way, and it'll be easier in the long run.
 
I find it funny that Karma's birthday weekend was what I needed to recenter myself.

But here I sit, with my sleep schedule back in order, working on cleaning the house, dinner thawing for when Karma gets home from class, homework waiting for me to get done typing this blog.

I feel redirected.

I met some great people this weekend, including a new crush :eek:

Cricket says I should be able to express myself on here and she is not going to be reading, but sorry I don't buy it. But I am more okay with it now. I know I have people I can talk with in PM's that give me great insight into things. I'll get as detailed as I feel comfortable.

I've come to terms with that this weekend as well. She lied to Karma, J lied to Karma. I have no respect for that. After everything we have gone through in the last yr. After all we have said about honesty...none of it seemed to matter.

I have no room for that in my life. I refuse to let the drama drag me down again.

I wanted a happy little family. I wanted things like they were for the whole two months they were good.

That obviously can't happen. I've accepted that. I'll be here for my husband, for whatever he needs, but I am done trying to make it happen, all the while having her lie to him. It's his choice to stick it out. I told him I wouldn't pull a veto card. He knows I dont think Happy Healthy Sane is being met. He knows I am not okay with how he is being treated. But at 30 he has to make the choice himself. All I can do is be here and try not to say I told you so.

I've put things with Panda into perspective as well. I'm letting those emotions go. I love her. I'm hurt still. But this something else I am cutting away. Something else I let drag me down that I am done with. She obviously wasn't interested in the long haul. I've done all I can. Time to move on.

And that is exactly what I intend to do. I'm over the feeling of loss. I'm over feeling like I have lost part of myself in trying to make all this fucking drama workout. I'm done saccraficing me for the good of others. This is my life and my time to do what I want.

And I'm gonna do just that. And goddess help anyone who gets in my way.
 
And sigh....
Had a good weekend. Spent some time with new friends, reconnected with Karma after some emotional waves and got my homework done.

I'm really enjoying this new outlook on things. Removing stress and drama from life and making decisions based on my needs is making a huge difference in my life and my outlook on things.

I did a bit of reflecting on things, as Karma still holds this wish that Cricket and I could get along, that he and Cricket could be together. I really stopped to look at everything that has happened in the last two weeks and my decision to include her in the people I removed from my life.

Do I wish that Karma's wishes could come true? Sure. I want him to be happy. Unfortunately, my reflecting only reinforced my decision. The lying, for whatever reason was the toppling point of the issues. It's his choice as to what he does. My choice is to walk away. I can't justify having someone who says one thing and does another in my life. I can't justify associating with someone who takes everything I say out of context and as an attack, instead of asking and clarifying. I can't justify having someone in my life who treats others they claim to love as she does. For me, you don't tell someone you love them and want to be with them and then lie to them. You don't lead someone on to believe things have a chance to work out, when in reality you made a choice that doesn't allow for that to happen. She has said numerous times that I never gave her a chance, not true. I gave her multiple chances. Poly is new to all of us. Yes I got mad, but we worked things out and moved on. I feel like I was never given the same chance. I feel like am still fighting the false impressions she has of me. I feel like she has decided that I am the same as everyother woman she has had issues with, and therefor not worth the chance. I can't compete with this illusion she has of me if she is not willing to take it down and see the reality.

It hurts. I wish I could say it doesn't. I wish I could say that all the positive of doing it outweighed the pain of losing the good times we did have. But it doesn't. I have long since forgiven the affair and was really looking forward to building our little family. I was enjoying the two of us getting along. Hell we were discussing future living arrangements and then out of nowhere she has all these issues with me yet won't discuss them. Yeah that hurts. The pain Karma is in hurts. He doesn't want to be with anyone else. He loves her, and hurts because of everything that has happened. He hurts because things with she and I are where they are. When he hurts I hurt as well.

But, I need to make sure I am surrounded with people that hold the same ethics and morals as I do. Or at least similar. I know my choice hurts him. But I feel like it is the best choice for me, and therefor the one I needed to make.

One of the best things I have learned on this path is to acknowledge my needs. I've never had problems verbalizing what I need from others. I have had problems doing what I need to do to meet those needs. I concentrate so much on others, that I let my needs fall aside. I think that is why my deppression and anxiety has been so out of control. This last week has been so good. I've had moments where my anxiety rose, but it was so much easier to work through now that I don't have everything else dragging me down.

Cricket wasn't the only one I decided to no longer associate with. There are several people that I have removed from life. And I feel better for it.

Though Panda was the one who decided to cut Karma and I out of her life, I have come to terms with that as well. It would have happened sooner or later anyway. Who she was becoming was no longer someone who worked in my life. Goals, ethics, morals were no longer the same. I need people in my life that are strong enough to handle me being honest, and be strong enough to be honest with me. If your actions are hurting me, I will tell you. In hopes that we can work together to make a more positive outcome next time. I can't justify having someone in my life that I can't be honest with. So it's a but easier to let go of Panda now. It's a bit easier to process now that I see the why. Knowing that it would have happened eventualy makes it a bit easier to understand what happened.

I give a lot of myself to those I care about. I need to know I can count on those people to be there for me as well. I need to have people in my life that have positive energy.

I'm not writing anyone off forever. I don't do that. I don't believe anything is ever written in stone. We all have our own paths to walk. Maybe those paths will connect back up, maybe they won't. Maybe we will all learn and grow, maybe we won't. We all have to make the decisions that are best for us. Right now, this is the best one for me and the way I want to live my life.


And in doing all of this, I am reconnecting with people whose path went away from mine. I am meeting new people and I am no longer afraid. I've always put up this wall when meeting new people. I'm learning that I don't need to do that. I have the choice and the power to decide who is in my life. I don't need to meet them with an icey front and wait for the bad ones to show themselves. I don't need to protect myself in that way. I have the power to remove and add people as is best for my life.

That's a very freeing thing to realize.
 
Nothing like amazing sex to ring a new year! Happy Birthday to me! This is the first birthday I remember being truly happy. Last year I throw a party with a friend of mine who's b-day is a few days after mine. I had a good time. But I still wasn't happy. This year will be alone with Karma. He's making me dinner, I'm making my cake ( I never make my own cake some sort of weird pastry chef rule) and we're going to snuggle and watch movies and do whatever we want to do. Our day together will actualy be two days b/c Karma has class tonight, so I think we are doing the dinner part on Friday. And probably some of the movies too. So far on the list-GI JOE, Burlesque and Mongol. I'm hoping to get a workout in (yay boxing my husband on my b-day!) as well. But other than that, we're poor so it'll be a nice quiet time at home. We were going to go see West Side Story, but tickets would have cost us $20 and $20 could make or break us right now.

In other great news, Karma is FINALY in his math class. This is good for a number of reasons-it gives him enough credits to get his loan so we can now afford to live until June, it gets it out of the way b/c all his other classes require that math class first, it puts him one step closer to finishing his certificate and being employed as an electrician.

I passed my exam and am now certified in customer service.

And I'm still feeling great even though the begining of the week was full of terrible pain and lots issues. Icluding a friend miscarrying twins.

I love having control of my life again. It feels so good to have me back. It's been a long year of a lot of work and I am now reaping the benefits. It's still work. There are still things I am working on and working through. But it feels good to be where I am right now in this moment.

I love being me! Happy birthday to my awesome self!
 
Life just loves to play little games doesn't it. I'm not actively looking to get involved with anyone, so while I play around on OKC I don't go out of my way to message anyone.

When Karma and Cricket split, we decided to spend some time as just us.

Ironic how now my OKC account is lighting up.

Karma is enjoying the fact that I have no idea what I am doing. I haven't done the dating thing in 8 yrs. He wrote one of my responses cuz I had no idea what to say.

Oh well, whatever will be will be. I finished my last midterm this week, so I'll be enjoying my week and a half of spring break.

Looking forward to not having to look at a profit and loss sheet for awhile.

And we still have 2 tickets for the movies, so maybe I can score a date night.

I guess it's good that things are stable for me, since Karma is having such a hard time with the break up. He's slowly moving forward, but he's got a lot of emotion to process through.
 
Glad your OKC account is lighting up...so is my wife's....but mine is as dark as the ace of spades. :(
 
TL4everu2 said:
Glad your OKC account is lighting up...so is my wife's....but mine is as dark as the ace of spades. :(
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Meh, no one contacts me either (but then again I don't like to meet people through the computer so really I don't care much).
 
Derbylicious said:
Meh, no one contacts me either (but then again I don't like to meet people through the computer so really I don't care much).
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But see? I DO like to meet people on the computer. It's my introverted side. I'm not too big on meeting people in person just cold. I mean, I like to build up a repetoir with them first to figure out if we like ANYTHING alike. But meah....No-one looks at my profile anymore anyway.....So I don't need to worry about it. :)

Now, enough of my hi-jacking Mo's thread. Sorry Mo. ;)
 
No biggee on the hijack :) Karma isn't getting to far with okc either. I think the whole married man thing sends women running b/c most think they need a husband and a house and picket fence. I guess maybe b/c I aready have it I see it differently but even growing up I wanted more people in my famiy. I dunno.

Having good talks with people but the whole online thing is wierd. I haven't flirted over IM since I was a kid. I have no idea what I am doing.

It's no big deal for us though. He is moving through the hell Cricket left behind with her antics. She broke his heart and then did it a few more times for good measure. But I think he is finaly seeing her for what she was and trying to move on. I know the pain is there. I know he was left hurt and confused, but he's not fallen into a depressive fit, so I am really proud of him.

But with all of that, and me working on me for a change, I think we are happy just being us for awhile. If someone comes a long great, but we aren't realy obsessed over finding someone right now. That's the other nice thing of being married. I have that love and companionship no matter what, someone else will only add to the greatness I already have.

In other news I've lost 6 pounds so far, walked 30-45 minutes everyday for the last 13 days and my boxing is going really well. having an issue with hooks, and upper cuts hurt my hands, wrist and arms no matter what I do. So we are doing other things til we figure out how to strengthen my wrists.

Still feeling really well, over did the weights today and needed a muscle relaxer, but the further I go, the more I see what is too much and what will cause the fibro to flare up. But I made it a week with no pills at so I see this as a good thing all around.

Mind, body, spirit, all getting stronger.
 
Mohegan said:
I think the whole married man thing sends women running b/c most think they need a husband and a house and picket fence. I guess maybe b/c I aready have it I see it differently but even growing up I wanted more people in my famiy. I dunno.
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Finding out your husband cheated or is cheating on you throws a big monkey wrench in the whole picket fence, happily everafter thing. Marriage is NOT this dreamy, stary eyed, fairy tale so many have come to expect. It's a Fucking rollercoaster, the biggest, baddest, longest ever concieved, complete with barf bags, break downs and crashes:eek:. All too often, the clean up crew, repair crew and the saftey inspectors all need to be called in before it's safe to continue on again. There is a reason people scream on rollercoasters(sorry I live down the street from a theme park):D.
 
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