Darling husband---I would like your thoughts on this one----
I've been giving some more thought to the veto thread. I don't really want to get into a debate there, so I'll just drop my thoughts here and others who read this can chime in if they like.
I'm getting the general feeling that people are against veto's because they feel it is taking away there choices, rights, what have you, in their life. They are losing say in their life and they don't like that.
I can understand that. I don't do well with people telling me what to do either.
I guess for me it's more a discussion instead of a straight up no. Unless of course it is a really bad, unsafe relationship.
I'll use Cricket as an example again, b/c it's all I've got at the moment. At several points I chose to stop discussing her or their relationship. I felt a lot of her actions and at times Karmas, were not meeting our happy healthy sane rule. I voiced to Karma that he was free to decide for himself what he wanted to do, but I was removing myself from the relationship because my happy healthy sane was being compromised. I didn't tell him he had to stop seeing her. Ever. He loved her and felt things could work, so I had no right to tell him that it had to end.
I would go back to trying to work things out with her and we'd be end up right back at fighting again.
Our agreement is that we have the right to veto if either of us feels happy healthy sane (HHS)isn't being met. My HHS wasn't being met. I could have vetoed their relationship. But as I said in an earlier blog, I don't think Karma and I would be where we are now, if that were the case.
Someone on that thread mentioned that they won't stand for being told they can't date someone or be friends with someone, simply because their SO doesn't get along with that person. Okay well good for you. You shouldn't have to deal with that. Karma has had several friends that I haven't liked, some that I have gone so far as to say are not welcome in my home. But I never said he couldn't be friends with them, he's an adult and can make those decisions.
With all that being said. I still say we have a veto agreement. Because if he were to get into a realtionship that just was flat out unhealthy, I want to protect him and us from that. Some have said that stems from insecurities in the relationship, but I don't think so. I think it's a testiment to how secure we really are. To be able to trust eachother to be looking out for our best interest while we are too caught in the midst of it to see the problems.
As an example, we are friends with a married couple that went on vaction awhile back. The female has a huge fear of jellyfish after having been stung as a child. While they were in the water a jelly fish swam up behind her. He told her they needed to get out of the water, NOW. She resisted, wanting to know why. He told her they were unsafe and as soon as they got to shore he's explain. They got to shore and he told her about the jellyfish. After she freaked out, she asked why he didn't just tell her it was there. "Well with the freak out you just had, do you think it would have been a good idea to tell you it was right there?" No it wouldn't have been. He vetoed their swimming because it wasn't safe, even though she couldn't see the danger and didn't want to stop. I see a poly veto the same way. When you are so caught up in the midst of swimming, you may not see the jellyfish, but if I do and I can save you the sting, I will.
I really only see myself using a veto if she were abusive in some way, or was putting our health in danger in some way (drugs, unprotected sex , etc.).
Karma has a need to help and protect. It's part of what I love about him. But there are times where that need gets in the way of him being able to see what is healthy. I do see the chance for him getting so caught up in wanting to help someone that he would let certain things happen or forgive certain things, and not see the whole picture. And that is where my veto would come in.
And it wouldn't just be a flat out your done with her. With no explanation. I would make sure he understood where I was coming from and why I felt that way.
It would not be an act of jealousy, nor because I didn't like her. If that were the case I would have vetoed Cricket long before they split up. I'm not that petty. I don't feel that I need to like everyone he dates or is friends with. And in the off chance jealousy were to occur, that's my issue, not his.
But I do know my husband. I know he gets tunnel vision. I know he gets caught up in things. I don't think it's a lack of respecting him, I think it's a matter of knowing him. It's a matter of loving him and wanting him to be HHS as much as I want it for myself.
I dunno maybe none of that makes any sense. It's just something that I got to thinking about after the talk we had tonight.
I told him no more wounded birds. I can't deal with seeing him get so caught up in trying to save someone that he loses himself, again. I get the desire to help others. But he's not a Dr and he's not a miracle worker. Be there for your friends, absolutely. But you can't do the work for them. If they are going to heal and grow,
they have to do it. Not him.
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I'm feeling good about some of the new people in our lives right now. They aren't exactly new, but possibly branching out to new levels. Possibly. Right now it's about growing friendships. But they are good people, strong people, people with their own lives and their own goals and are heading in good directions. Good healthy relationships. It's a nice switch compared to the drama with several people in the last year.
I spent two hours after class sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze and talking to a new friend. I lost track of time to the point that Karma was calling to see if I was okay. That is SO out of character for me. I even thought to call him, but then we got to talking about something else and it never happened. I felt bad, but it felt so good to talk to someone who, for lack of better words, was on my level. She's younger than me, but has had many life experiences that have caused growth, that you wouldn't know it. It was so nice to share viewpoints with someone who responds with " I totaly get that. I know exactly where you are coming from." or "Yep that's exactly how I feel about it, one time ___happened and I responded exactly the way you did." I haven't had that kind of connection with someone in a loooong time. She didn't even flinch at the whole poly thing. She got what I was saying and shared some of the same thought processes. She verbalised what I was thinking "I'm gonna hate myself when the alarm goes off in the morning, but I feel like we were meant to meet eachother, it's nice to have someone who relates to you." If I wasn't hurting so bad I could of hugged her. Which is big for me, b/c of the fibro and not being able to handle the pain of a hug, I don't usualy
want to go out of my bubble and touch someone.
Karma and I had a good talk tonight. I've been having a hard time with him pulling away to heal. I know why he is doing it. I don't feel down on myself because of it or anything like that. It's just hard as we approach the 1 yr mark of mending our marriage, to have him pull away. I haven't really brought it up to him, because I didn't want him to have that on his plate with everything else. But we talked about it tonight, and I realised how far we've really come. He said he wouldn't have been able to pull into himself and heal, if we weren't where we are. He'd be too affraid that if he pulled away, everything would fall apart and that what we have rebuilt and how strong it is, gave him the ability to do what he needs to do to heal himself. I am so thankful for that.
If nothing else came out of the last year, our rebuilt marriage has. Cricket was a catlyst for that. Had she not come into our lives, I have no doubt that we'd be divorced by now. Instead, we are stronger than ever. About a week after I found out about the affairs we made an agreement to give our marriage a year. We set out things that we both needed to work on, and things we needed to work on together and agreed to give it a year. We've decided to go out and do something special to celebrate that year. I really thought at the time that we'd be signing divorce papers by now, not planning a celebration.
But I think we deserve it. We've both worked damn hard to get where we are. It's been a hell of year. A lot of heartache, a lot of growth. It's fitting that our year is right around beltaine (the celebration of spring and lifes renewal). It is a renewal. A new growth coming out from beneath the cold dark snow.
I'm sure we still have plenty growth and pain and hurtles in our path together. I have no fantasy that we have beaten the worst of things. Honestly, we've only been together 9 yrs, if this is the climax of our lives together, things may get a little boring over the next 50 yrs

. But it gives us something to build on. It gives us confidence for the next time things get really hard. We can come through anything, as long as we are doing it together.
"Through tear drops and laughter they'll walk through this world hand in hand." The quote we've both adopted for our relationship. We've to hell and back, and I don't doubt that we'll have to do it a few more times in our life together. But I take comfort in knowng that whatever we have to face, it'll be together.
And maybe one day, together will include a few other loves as well.