Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 44 12.4%

  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 127 35.9%

  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 51 14.4%

  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 49 13.8%

  • Other

    Votes: 83 23.4%
  • Total voters
    354
kdt26417 said:
If, on the other hand, someone's reason for being monogamous is "because the Bible says so," or because "everyone else is doing it," or because "polyamory is unhealthy," then those are bad reasons for being monogamous.
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As with most stances people take in life, which relationship style people adopt has very little to do with conscious decision making. People in the US, for example, are mostly monogamous. It isn't speculation that there is a bias in favor of monogamy because it is the only form of partnering allowed by the state - there is clear and undeniable bias. For this reason we shouldn't be surprised that most people claim to be monogamous and they don't have any idea why.
 
True enough: When something isn't even allowed by law, that indicates a pretty heavy bias. The struggle to get same-sex marriage accepted by the state is difficult enough (for now).
 
Marcus said:
It's a shame that this conversation always leads to this point.
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Yes, it does seem like we keep going around in circles...

Let me sum up: I agree that "Rules = No Autonomy." I disagree that "Monogamy = Rules."

I'm not sure I understand what is so controversial about saying that the structure of monogamy has one more rule about how partners are allowed to behave than polyamorous relationships.
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Monogamy is not always determined by a rule.

It's the law that I can't kill people. But it's not the law that stops me from going out and killing people. I don't kill people because it's not in my nature to kill people.

If someone says, from the get-go, "You've got this trait that I can't tolerate, so it's just not going to work between us," how does that equate to a "rule" in any way?

Two people who are inherently monogamous, and get together without ever talking about exclusivity, are nonetheless monogamous, even though they have no "rule" about exclusivity. They simply happen to be it.

"Hi, I'm Jane, and I only date one person at a time."
"Hi, I'm Jim, hey me too!"
"Cool! Do you want to date?"
"Sure!"
Jim and Jane are now a monogamous couple. Nowhere in that conversation did either one say "You have to be monogamous or I'm going to leave you."

I'm not sure why someone would need to force something for the statement that monogamy (sexual exclusivity as a dealbreaker) is more restrictive on a persons ability to live their life free of rule than polyamory (sexual and romantic exclusivity are not necessarily required).
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Monogamy simply means exclusivity. "As a dealbreaker" is a rider and not inherent in the description. While I agree that it's associated with the vast majority of relationships, that does not make it inherent in the fundamental description of monogamy.

There is a fundamental difference between putting restrictions on others and making choices for yourself. I do not see how it is restrictive for me to choose only to date people with a certain inclination, specifically monogamy.

Suppose Dick wears cologne and it gives me a headache. I hope we can both agree, I can't be expected to just have headaches all the time as the price of dating Dick. Are you going to accuse me of "restricting" Dick if I tell him that I can't date someone whose cologne gives me headaches?

Perhaps you will, in which case we are at an impasse. I believe that I always have the right to remove myself from painful situations, and I refuse to be accused of "inhibiting someone's autonomy" for simply protecting myself from unnecessary pain. Indeed, pressuring me to stay in a painful situation inhibits my autonomy, be it cologne-induced headaches or pangs of jealousy from my partner being out with another person.

As I see it, my only other option is to stop seeing him without discussing the matter. I personally think that would be silly, because maybe wearing cologne (or having sex with other people) is something Dick thinks is kinda nice but doesn't really care about. Maybe Dick will be more than happy to choose not to wear cologne (or have sex with other people) because he does not want to cause me pain. Not offering him that choice is not only stupid, but it actually removes his autonomy by making the choice for him.
 
Phy said:
Because I fell in love :)

Not ensured that this solves the confusion (far from it mostly), but that usually is my answer.
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An early response in this thread, and I agree 100%. None of us could stand the idea that there's someone else out there we really love and can't be with. We're together because we want to be with everyone we love...and we want the same FOR the ones we love.
 
animo said:
An early response in this thread, and I agree 100%. None of us could stand the idea that there's someone else out there we really love and can't be with. We're together because we want to be with everyone we love...and we want the same FOR the ones we love.
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But that doesn't necessarily answer the question "why poly?" Some people are poly and still can't date everyone they love, because there are only so many hours in the day and they don't want to do injustice to any of their relationships by half-assing it.

I have an acquaintance who pretty much dates everyone who catches her eye. She does live with one of her partners, but I can't imagine she's keeping the home fires burning too brightly when she's out so much.
 
Phy said:
Because I fell in love :)

Not ensured that this solves the confusion (far from it mostly), but that usually is my answer.
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animo said:
An early response in this thread, and I agree 100%. None of us could stand the idea that there's someone else out there we really love and can't be with. We're together because we want to be with everyone we love...and we want the same FOR the ones we love.
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SchrodingersCat said:
But that doesn't necessarily answer the question "why poly?" Some people are poly and still can't date everyone they love, because there are only so many hours in the day and they don't want to do injustice to any of their relationships by half-assing it.

I have an acquaintance who pretty much dates everyone who catches her eye. She does live with one of her partners, but I can't imagine she's keeping the home fires burning too brightly when she's out so much.
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"Because I fell in love." could answer the "Why poly?" question for some of us - and doesn't apply to others (like your friend who dates everyone who "catches her eye" - attraction =/= love).

Some of this relates to how we view "love" and what that means to us - which we have discussed in other threads. For me, "love" is elusive enough that I can in fact be with everyone that I love. (I've never "dated" so I don't really know how that part works.) 20 years ago I fell in love, 19 years later it happened again, who knows if lightening will strike a third time? Not looking for it, but it could happen (I wasn't looking for the first two either).

I don't think there is going to be one answer to the "Why poly?" question that applies universally - each person will have their own (short and long) answers to that - our priorities, values, enjoyments, personalities, etc. are so different. Some people like meeting and exploring new people - I don't. So that is part of the "Why poly?" answer for those people but not for me.

So there are really two questions - "Why poly?" in general (what do people get out of having poly relationships - the abstract) and "Why poly?" on the personal level (why does a particular individual travel the poly road - the concrete).

I love reading everyone's responses here as to what their short personal answer is - some really resonate with me ("Oh, I could use that!"), others highlight how different we all are.

JaneQ
 
A more generalized answer ...

"Why Poly?"

"Because some people get more joy from polyamory than from monogamy."
 
Theory First

I was raised very conservative Christian, to the extreme of being a fundamentalist. I found the theory of polyamory at the time when I got into conflict with my religious background: my church and my family. Long story short: I found that the most important thing to me was to be totally honest and true to myself, and I stopped living and believing as the church and my parents told me to do - and was open and honest about my life and my thoughts. It was a rough time in my life as I ended up being excluded from both the church and my family. As I see it now, they could not take my honesty and wanted to have nothing to do with me.

Because of being honest I have lost a lot in my life, but they were people who did not love me for who I am - the sad part is that they are my biological family and all of the important people from my childhood. For the very same reason I have gained a circle of true friends; people who truly love me and cherish my attempts to grow as a human being. Some of them actually are biologically related to me; other members of the family who have been excluded as well.

So for me, the theory came first. I saw poly as a possibility to greater honesty in relationships. To me it was clear that all my relationships would be open in the sense of all communication being open as well as sexual encounters not limited to that relationship only. This I have stuck to in practice as well, and yes, have been pretty demanding a partner what comes to honest communication, freedom of thought and freedom to express my sexuality to the fullest. We are not owned by our partners.

Now not-so-many months into being a hinge of a vee I could say that this was a good way up. There has been no big drama at all in my practical poly life. My partners were both introduced to poly by me, so they would have totally different stories to tell :)
 
My friends and I would share guys when we were teens. When ex and I married he met someone and we became a V. I didn't know about poly as a term until a couple years later.
 
I found it when I was trying to figure out how to be honest with my partner about who I am. I was just googling around and found the Wikipedia definition. Thank goodness!
 
I feel atracted for more than one person at a time since I remember. I was taught by others that "if I love more than one, I love no one", though, and shunned myself for a long time.
I had a lot of guilt feelings about this. When I began my relationship with Peaches we were mono. After a fews years of watching me struggle with atraction for other people, desire to flirt and things like that (I never lied to him and always shared this feelings, even if it was to say I was sorry I felt that way), he showed me a lovely documentary about poly, proposing that we tried non-monogamy so I could pursue my desires and be happy.
Peaches always wanted me happy. Life's a lot better since he did this for me, even in the early years when I did nothing but research and theorize about it.

Things now seem just... right.
 
I haven't read through all your responses yet, but I feel compelled to answer anyhow. I learned I was poly and learned about poly at the same time, when I "fell for" the man I was supposed to be swinging with. My husband and I briefly experimented with swinging after 20+ years of marriage before we met this couple, both fell for them, and began an exclusive relationship. That was almost two years ago now and we haven't looked back.

I had never really heard of poly before, but I am definitely that. Now that I'm in this quad and love them all, i couldnt change it if I wanted to. And i wouldn't change a thing about how all this has happened to us. But I have to admit that poly found me, not the other way around. I didn't choose it. It chose me. But if I ever find myself in a monogamous relationship again, I think I'd choose to stay that wat! I love our quad, but its a lot of work and sometimes very complicated to be in a poly relationship!
 
Our first "real" encourage terms with poly was with friends of ours. We have known them for a long time, and always knew she was bi. Originally we thought they only just played with other females but found out in discussion that they were in fact looking for a full time gf for a poly relationship. The other half being bi this last one led to discussions between us about it, as well as research about poly and the lifestyle/community. Low and behold, we found our way here to this amazing community.
While our journey is still pretty young. We have been having a great time so far.
 
I only recently discovered the 'concept' of polyamory after learning about a local triad, who have become our mentors.

In retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was always polyamorous because of my potential to fall in love with new people despite being in existing relationships, yet not feeling like the existing relationship was lacking or anywhere near being over. What an emotional strain that was, trying to be monogamous with those feelings!

I tried swinging and FWB but they don't meet my needs. My wife is also poly so we both crave that emotional connection more than just sex.
 
It's funny that I actually discovered poly from a very mainstream and mono-dominant relationship forum. Before that, I had a vague idea of what open relationship is, but never thought I could do anything other than monogamy.

So about three years ago, my boyfriend (now husband) introduced me to that forum, and over time, we both became interested in the stories of a few poly posters there. At first I still found it difficult to wrap my head around the idea of poly, but one day, I was struck by a post which described an experience of compersion. It was so beautiful and made a lot of sense to me. I started to realize it's possible to love and be loved by multiple people without jealousy. Meanwhile, I discussed poly with my bf from time to time, and we were both more and more open to the idea. We decided to be poly a few months later and haven't regretted it ever since.
 
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I discovered the concept of polyamory when my freezer started blowing warm air and i had to take out all the food. There, long forgotten under some frost-bitten-then-liquified Edy's lemon popsicles and a tube of Pillsbury shortbread instant cookie-dough, was a small plastic ziplock-baggie with a little note in it that said "monogamy sucks. Drink V-8. Purchase butt-plugs." and other things. I said to myself, "what does this mean" and suddenly the answer became clear:

Refrigerator broken. Add people.
 
I first learned about polyamory when I was 20. I tried it with my high school sweetheart, my best friend and my current SO. My high school sweetheart wound up marrying my best friend and I wound up marrying my SO. We weren't ready, we were young and did it for all the wrong reasons. I have avoided it for so long for fear of that happening with my SO. 13 years later, I look back and realize I have been doing it all along. There just didn't happen to be sex involved. I don't think I could ever truly just be with one person. The one time I did do that, it was toxic and unhealthy. I have lots of love and caring to go around :)
 
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