While my wife and I haven't had any poly experiences yet, I'd have to say the reason I'm poly, or want to practice poly, is that I continue to have this burning desire to meet other women, date them, get to know them, make love to them, do things with them, etc, etc. And when I say burning, I mean a 4 alarm fire. I don't understand it...I guess it's just part of my "put together".
Why and how did you get into poly?
- Thread starter Jearith
- Start date
drinnt
New member
Sounds familiar
Hey OP, this is me: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56025
6 months into what started out of swinging we find is very much a quad relationship.
It's a LOT of work and the benefits are TENfold if not more what the work can be. Much of the work I find now has been struggling AGAINST what this is. We are just now leaning in to the flow and starting on the path to treat it just exactly as it is. A quad relationship that needs maintenance. To quote my girlfriend, "it's miraculous enough to find ONE person we can manage a marriage with, now I have THREE people's emotions to manage???"
I wouldn't trade it for anything. My wife comes first and is my primary, as my girlfriend is the primary of her husband...but those lines sure can blur up fast when we're together and the good times roll.
I for one NEVER thought I would ever be poly...and yet, here I am. I never thought I would be a Dom either...but my girlfriend exposed that side of me to her sub side so hey...live, love and GROW!
You pose the question to yourself...or you wonder out loud...if you would ever do it again. I think having seen the "light" on the subject matter in practice in my life, I do believe I would...though I hope I never have to because I absolutely ADORE my wife and my girlfriend!!!!!
Hey OP, this is me: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56025
6 months into what started out of swinging we find is very much a quad relationship.
It's a LOT of work and the benefits are TENfold if not more what the work can be. Much of the work I find now has been struggling AGAINST what this is. We are just now leaning in to the flow and starting on the path to treat it just exactly as it is. A quad relationship that needs maintenance. To quote my girlfriend, "it's miraculous enough to find ONE person we can manage a marriage with, now I have THREE people's emotions to manage???"
I wouldn't trade it for anything. My wife comes first and is my primary, as my girlfriend is the primary of her husband...but those lines sure can blur up fast when we're together and the good times roll.
I for one NEVER thought I would ever be poly...and yet, here I am. I never thought I would be a Dom either...but my girlfriend exposed that side of me to her sub side so hey...live, love and GROW!
You pose the question to yourself...or you wonder out loud...if you would ever do it again. I think having seen the "light" on the subject matter in practice in my life, I do believe I would...though I hope I never have to because I absolutely ADORE my wife and my girlfriend!!!!!
WhatHappened
Active member
I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship that's that hard and complex at all. Poly or monogamous. Relationships should bring joy and help us grow and become better people, not be a source of anxiety.
sleepygirl
New member
Choose. Tough and interesting word, as everyone here seems to have tackled that part of the original post.
Did I choose? Yes and no.
No, in that, when K first came into my life, I was blown away by her presence. I didn't choose to fall in love with her. I had been happily monogamous with my husband for a long time. It just happened. The first time she kissed me, I got lost in it. And then immediately afterwards said "Ooooh. That was bad." Some part of me knew, at that moment, that formative choices were to come.
Yes, in that, I chose to listen to my own thoughts and feelings, I chose to embrace them for what they were and not deny or run away from them, I chose to be honest and share them with my husband even though it was scary and I was unsure of his reaction, and I chose being authentically me, instead of trying to smash myself into a societal mold that I did not fit.
Now that she is gone, I miss her. I love her and if she wanted to come home, my door and my arms would probably be open. I wish we'd had a different experience. Some of what I know now would have changed how things happened, perhaps. However, I am aware that is a simplification of a difficult situation, where none of us were prepared for the depth of feeling involved.
It can be crazy and emotional and stressful at times, but there is much goodness too. I think it outweighs the challenges, and I would say I am a better person for choosing to be my authentic self.
Did I choose? Yes and no.
No, in that, when K first came into my life, I was blown away by her presence. I didn't choose to fall in love with her. I had been happily monogamous with my husband for a long time. It just happened. The first time she kissed me, I got lost in it. And then immediately afterwards said "Ooooh. That was bad." Some part of me knew, at that moment, that formative choices were to come.
Yes, in that, I chose to listen to my own thoughts and feelings, I chose to embrace them for what they were and not deny or run away from them, I chose to be honest and share them with my husband even though it was scary and I was unsure of his reaction, and I chose being authentically me, instead of trying to smash myself into a societal mold that I did not fit.
Now that she is gone, I miss her. I love her and if she wanted to come home, my door and my arms would probably be open. I wish we'd had a different experience. Some of what I know now would have changed how things happened, perhaps. However, I am aware that is a simplification of a difficult situation, where none of us were prepared for the depth of feeling involved.
It can be crazy and emotional and stressful at times, but there is much goodness too. I think it outweighs the challenges, and I would say I am a better person for choosing to be my authentic self.
Thanks so much for all the responses to my original question. I've come back periodically to read them and have to say that this response from Nycindie hits closest to what I was trying to say. I've thought a lot about this and in the end I don't "identify" as poly, rather I have come to recognize that I have the capacity to love in a polyamorous way.
I was very fulfilled in my monogamous relationship for well over 20 years. I never felt like anything was missing and I never actually considered that I may even want an additional love relationship. But it happened. I fell hard for another person, it came to a point where it was absolutely undeniable, and now I'm in a very fulfilling polyamorous relationship. In that, perhaps, I didn't have a choice. Love happens, and when it does it is amazing and beautiful, and I wouldn't change a single thing about the experience I've had.
But, if the relationship ended tomorrow (which would be horrible!), I wouldn't go out and seek another partner because I "am" poly or even just because I know I have the "capacity" to love more than one. If it happened again that I fell for someone else, it would happen. But I wouldn't actually seek it. As I said, I was fulfilled in my mono relationship with my husband before, and I expect I would be fulfilled and happy in that relationship in the future as well. I like to think that even if I were single I would be fulfilled. I think in part my question came from having read a lot of posts from people who are single or in relationships already and were actively seeking new additional relationships. Nothing wrong with that at all. That is what they want and that is great for them. I guess I was just curious and trying to use the information to help me make sense of and process my own experience.
Yes, I know in my original post I talked about the relationship being hard and being work. In retrospect, those were probably the wrong words. It *is* work, but it is *good* work as I have learned so much about myself from doing it, and have grown personally in some incredible ways. But the reality is that I've had to face deeply rooted insecurities and fears and the process of doing that can be challenging, even if the ultimate outcome is good. So I guess that is what I meant by that.
I hope all that makes sense. This is all still a journey for me and I am still learning and growing from it, and my understanding of it all is still evolving.
Thanks again to everyone for the thoughtful responses.
ColorsWolf
New member
*chuckle* Complex?~
Me personally, I do not call myself any label nor do I say I am living a "lifestyle", every one has their own "life" and their own "style" of living it.~
I am not monogamous.~ Why? I see no reason to try to limit myself to loving only 1 person my entire life, I don't believe you can control love and when it happens, you can only try to suppress it within yourself and lie to yourself and every one around you, indeed I have fallen in love more than once it just comes naturally to me and I feel no guilt or 'shame' over any of doing so.~ I have yet to have some one love me back in the way that I love them: without holding back.~ If some one were to love me, they would love me completely and purely without any of us holding back.~ I would be overwhelmed with joy if that were ever to happen.~
I am here because I find like-minded people who just so happen to be incredibly nice.~
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cpgermanicus
New member
How did you find out you were Poly/get started
Hi everybody,
Purely informational: how did you find out you were poly/get involved with it?
Hi everybody,
Purely informational: how did you find out you were poly/get involved with it?
SchrodingersCat
Active member
I knew I was poly before I knew there was a word for it. As a child, I believed I would never get married, because that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and that sounded absolutely dreadful.
When I got older and learned there was this thing called polyamory, and that I could have my cake and eat it too, I jumped on board and haven't looked back.
Thanks, internet!
When I got older and learned there was this thing called polyamory, and that I could have my cake and eat it too, I jumped on board and haven't looked back.
Thanks, internet!
Marcus
Well-known member
There are a few other threads with this general topic. Try using the search if you want to do a bit of reading on it.
For example:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42432&highlight=skepticism
For example:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42432&highlight=skepticism
While my parents were not successful with poly long term, they were adherents. I was brought up to believe it was completely acceptable to love more than one. My first long term relationship was a polyfi vee, and I adored my co-wife. It ended when our hinge died - but she and I are still close.
I would say my only downfall to security is finding others who are like-minded. I find that I don't understand jealousy and am often confused by those who feel it.
I would say my only downfall to security is finding others who are like-minded. I find that I don't understand jealousy and am often confused by those who feel it.
Re (from cpgermanicus):
Quite simply, I fell in love with a married woman, and she did the research on the web to find out how we could resolve the situation in an ethical win-win-win manner. It was through that research that we first heard words such as "polyamory" and "polyfidelity."
Of course it helped that I'd been rebelling against everything for several years before this falling-in-love thing.
That's our story in a nutshell.
Quite simply, I fell in love with a married woman, and she did the research on the web to find out how we could resolve the situation in an ethical win-win-win manner. It was through that research that we first heard words such as "polyamory" and "polyfidelity."
Of course it helped that I'd been rebelling against everything for several years before this falling-in-love thing.
That's our story in a nutshell.
Wife and I talked about an open marriage but I really was just looking for an F buddy. Ended up falling for a married poly woman who was looking for a romantic relationship and I realized I wanted much more with her then just F buddies. So here I am all caught up in NRE when I wasn't looking for this at all.
ColorsWolf
New member
I often find that when you look for love you almost never seem to find it, but when you're really not looking some times that is when it will happen.~
Love seems to be one of those wild things that it will not often give itself to you if you chase it, but if you let happen naturally and welcome it when it does: you might find love all around you.~
Love,
ColorsWolf
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why and how did i get into poly?
There was no whirlwind romance, or anything that interesting. It's been a long process, starting with a conversation with my husband before we got married, about how i crush freely and monogamy felt constraining, leading into 3 years of foot dragging because i was too insecure and shy to ask anybody out. I've been Poly more in theory than in practice, though hopefully that'll change soon.
We recently moved to a new city, where i met and fell madly in crush with this guy at work. It was one sided, and he's been let go so i probably won't see him ever again. But the intensity of it all made me realise that i was ready to start opening up to other people romantically.
There was no whirlwind romance, or anything that interesting. It's been a long process, starting with a conversation with my husband before we got married, about how i crush freely and monogamy felt constraining, leading into 3 years of foot dragging because i was too insecure and shy to ask anybody out. I've been Poly more in theory than in practice, though hopefully that'll change soon.
We recently moved to a new city, where i met and fell madly in crush with this guy at work. It was one sided, and he's been let go so i probably won't see him ever again. But the intensity of it all made me realise that i was ready to start opening up to other people romantically.
Oldpolyman
New member
The year was 1978, I was married in mono to my 1st wife, her best girl friend confided to her that she wished she could have a husband like me, but that all the good men were taken. Shortly after that conversation Lea offered to share me with Hollie, and so our family was born. Sometime later Marie entered our family, and then Jo joined our little band.
Like the Greatful Dead song, it's been a long strange trip, one I wouldn't trade for anything.
Like the Greatful Dead song, it's been a long strange trip, one I wouldn't trade for anything.
ColorsWolf
New member
The year was 1978, I was married in mono to my 1st wife, her best girl friend confided to her that she wished she could have a husband like me, but that all the good men were taken. Shortly after that conversation Lea offered to share me with Hollie, and so our family was born. Sometime later Marie entered our family, and then Jo joined our little band.
Like the Greatful Dead song, it's been a long strange trip, one I wouldn't trade for anything.
Sounds beautiful!~ ^_^
CuriouslyPoly
New member
For now I'm just polycurious. I vaguely remember talking about polyarmory to a past friend of mine back in highschool. I acknowledge that I don't get a lot of attention from females in a sexual sense since I give off a friend vibe. I feel that's not a bad trait to have. Being nice, considerate, understanding, and sincere is who I am.
If I can clone myself in body and mind and change the sex as well as the gender of my clone, I would totally love my clone.
I don't know where life will take me in terms of relationships, but I can see myself adapting to either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. Though I feel that I should get more relationship experience before going into polyamorous territory.
If I can clone myself in body and mind and change the sex as well as the gender of my clone, I would totally love my clone.
I don't know where life will take me in terms of relationships, but I can see myself adapting to either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. Though I feel that I should get more relationship experience before going into polyamorous territory.
ColorsWolf
New member
For now I'm just polycurious. I vaguely remember talking about polyarmory to a past friend of mine back in highschool. I acknowledge that I don't get a lot of attention from females in a sexual sense since I give off a friend vibe. I feel that's not a bad trait to have. Being nice, considerate, understanding, and sincere is who I am.
If I can clone myself in body and mind and change the sex as well as the gender of my clone, I would totally love my clone.
I don't know where life will take me in terms of relationships, but I can see myself adapting to either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. Though I feel that I should get more relationship experience before going into polyamorous territory.
I don't know about you, but I would like some one to be like that to me if we love each other.~
Being "kind" and "compassionate" isn't exclusive "only" being a "Friend".~
CuriouslyPoly
New member
Hmm, I don't know where you are getting at?
Sure, it's polite to be kind and compassionate to people, but to me I feel that kindness and compassion on an intimate level feels different.
My Poly Story
Hmm, every time I think about it, I realise that my dealings with polyamory go back further than I acknowledge.
I was recently reminded of something that used to go on in my primary school, between the ages of about 9-11. We used to have these relationships with each other, and effectively cheat because we all liked more than one boy or girl. We came to this decision that we should share boyfriends and girlfriends to make it easier and stop all the silly cheating. We did this until we left for secondary school and it worked perfectly. In addition to this, I would always have a boyfriend at school and a boyfriend around where I lived. I really didn't see what having more than one boyfriend would result in that would be so awful.
When I was 12, I met my first proper boyfriend. He didn't like sex much. I was a horny little devil and he wasn't really that interested. He was 14. We had this weird thing going on throughout our relationship. See, we werent' monogamous and we knew this. We would discuss the other people that we are seeing. I didn't tell these other people about my "proper" boyfriend although they knew I "used" to have a boyfriend by that name and I see him around sometimes. In actuality he was integrated into my home and family and I'd see him most days. With the other guys I had a very age appropriate relationship and I'd only be very sexual with my "proper" boyfriend. Once or twice over three years, both of us started relationships that we couldn't seem to"keep down" and we'd have to publicly "break up" in order for us to have this other relationship. We knew that it wasn't real. We just didn't know how to say "we are not in a monogamous relationship and it's fine. We know and it's fine and this makes us happy".
Often a friend would find out that we were "cheating" and we'd have to stage outrage and all that because we had been so badly "betrayed".
Then at 15 I met my son's dad and I thought that we needed to be monogamous to have a serious relationship so I just kind of forgot all about actively pursuing other relationships. What I did do is have emotional connections with other males that in all honesty surpassed the boundaries of most monogamous relationships but I didn't see it as cheating because I wasn't having sex with them. Nothing like that. Just emotional. We openly had cybersex partners though. I stayed with him until I was 22.
TBC.
Hmm, every time I think about it, I realise that my dealings with polyamory go back further than I acknowledge.
I was recently reminded of something that used to go on in my primary school, between the ages of about 9-11. We used to have these relationships with each other, and effectively cheat because we all liked more than one boy or girl. We came to this decision that we should share boyfriends and girlfriends to make it easier and stop all the silly cheating. We did this until we left for secondary school and it worked perfectly. In addition to this, I would always have a boyfriend at school and a boyfriend around where I lived. I really didn't see what having more than one boyfriend would result in that would be so awful.
When I was 12, I met my first proper boyfriend. He didn't like sex much. I was a horny little devil and he wasn't really that interested. He was 14. We had this weird thing going on throughout our relationship. See, we werent' monogamous and we knew this. We would discuss the other people that we are seeing. I didn't tell these other people about my "proper" boyfriend although they knew I "used" to have a boyfriend by that name and I see him around sometimes. In actuality he was integrated into my home and family and I'd see him most days. With the other guys I had a very age appropriate relationship and I'd only be very sexual with my "proper" boyfriend. Once or twice over three years, both of us started relationships that we couldn't seem to"keep down" and we'd have to publicly "break up" in order for us to have this other relationship. We knew that it wasn't real. We just didn't know how to say "we are not in a monogamous relationship and it's fine. We know and it's fine and this makes us happy".
Often a friend would find out that we were "cheating" and we'd have to stage outrage and all that because we had been so badly "betrayed".
Then at 15 I met my son's dad and I thought that we needed to be monogamous to have a serious relationship so I just kind of forgot all about actively pursuing other relationships. What I did do is have emotional connections with other males that in all honesty surpassed the boundaries of most monogamous relationships but I didn't see it as cheating because I wasn't having sex with them. Nothing like that. Just emotional. We openly had cybersex partners though. I stayed with him until I was 22.
TBC.