Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 42 12.5%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 119 35.5%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 51 15.2%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 42 12.5%
  • Other

    Votes: 81 24.2%

  • Total voters
    335
While my wife and I haven't had any poly experiences yet, I'd have to say the reason I'm poly, or want to practice poly, is that I continue to have this burning desire to meet other women, date them, get to know them, make love to them, do things with them, etc, etc. And when I say burning, I mean a 4 alarm fire. I don't understand it...I guess it's just part of my "put together".
 
Sounds familiar

Hey OP, this is me: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=56025

6 months into what started out of swinging we find is very much a quad relationship.

It's a LOT of work and the benefits are TENfold if not more what the work can be. Much of the work I find now has been struggling AGAINST what this is. We are just now leaning in to the flow and starting on the path to treat it just exactly as it is. A quad relationship that needs maintenance. To quote my girlfriend, "it's miraculous enough to find ONE person we can manage a marriage with, now I have THREE people's emotions to manage???"

I wouldn't trade it for anything. My wife comes first and is my primary, as my girlfriend is the primary of her husband...but those lines sure can blur up fast when we're together and the good times roll.

I for one NEVER thought I would ever be poly...and yet, here I am. I never thought I would be a Dom either...but my girlfriend exposed that side of me to her sub side so hey...live, love and GROW!

You pose the question to yourself...or you wonder out loud...if you would ever do it again. I think having seen the "light" on the subject matter in practice in my life, I do believe I would...though I hope I never have to because I absolutely ADORE my wife and my girlfriend!!!!!
 
But on the other hand, it is SO complex to manage a quad relationship and all of the individual relationships within that quad. ...I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?

Please convince me again that this is all incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and all worth it. lol

I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship that's that hard and complex at all. Poly or monogamous. Relationships should bring joy and help us grow and become better people, not be a source of anxiety.
 
Choose. Tough and interesting word, as everyone here seems to have tackled that part of the original post.


Did I choose? Yes and no.

No, in that, when K first came into my life, I was blown away by her presence. I didn't choose to fall in love with her. I had been happily monogamous with my husband for a long time. It just happened. The first time she kissed me, I got lost in it. And then immediately afterwards said "Ooooh. That was bad." Some part of me knew, at that moment, that formative choices were to come.

Yes, in that, I chose to listen to my own thoughts and feelings, I chose to embrace them for what they were and not deny or run away from them, I chose to be honest and share them with my husband even though it was scary and I was unsure of his reaction, and I chose being authentically me, instead of trying to smash myself into a societal mold that I did not fit.

Now that she is gone, I miss her. I love her and if she wanted to come home, my door and my arms would probably be open. I wish we'd had a different experience. Some of what I know now would have changed how things happened, perhaps. However, I am aware that is a simplification of a difficult situation, where none of us were prepared for the depth of feeling involved.

It can be crazy and emotional and stressful at times, but there is much goodness too. I think it outweighs the challenges, and I would say I am a better person for choosing to be my authentic self.
 
Speak for yourself.

There are plenty of peeps here who do not view polyamory as something we are, but just a way we choose to live. To us, it's a practice, an approach, a structure, not an identity or "wiring" (stupid term). The fact that you feel it is what you are only reflects how YOU feel about it, but you cannot speak for all.

In addition, even if one is the type who feels it is an identity and the way one is, doesn't automatically catapult one into multiple relationships. You can see yourself as a poly person and still live monogamously or have no relationships at all. There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.

Thanks so much for all the responses to my original question. I've come back periodically to read them and have to say that this response from Nycindie hits closest to what I was trying to say. I've thought a lot about this and in the end I don't "identify" as poly, rather I have come to recognize that I have the capacity to love in a polyamorous way.

I was very fulfilled in my monogamous relationship for well over 20 years. I never felt like anything was missing and I never actually considered that I may even want an additional love relationship. But it happened. I fell hard for another person, it came to a point where it was absolutely undeniable, and now I'm in a very fulfilling polyamorous relationship. In that, perhaps, I didn't have a choice. Love happens, and when it does it is amazing and beautiful, and I wouldn't change a single thing about the experience I've had.

But, if the relationship ended tomorrow (which would be horrible!), I wouldn't go out and seek another partner because I "am" poly or even just because I know I have the "capacity" to love more than one. If it happened again that I fell for someone else, it would happen. But I wouldn't actually seek it. As I said, I was fulfilled in my mono relationship with my husband before, and I expect I would be fulfilled and happy in that relationship in the future as well. I like to think that even if I were single I would be fulfilled. I think in part my question came from having read a lot of posts from people who are single or in relationships already and were actively seeking new additional relationships. Nothing wrong with that at all. That is what they want and that is great for them. I guess I was just curious and trying to use the information to help me make sense of and process my own experience.

Yes, I know in my original post I talked about the relationship being hard and being work. In retrospect, those were probably the wrong words. It *is* work, but it is *good* work as I have learned so much about myself from doing it, and have grown personally in some incredible ways. But the reality is that I've had to face deeply rooted insecurities and fears and the process of doing that can be challenging, even if the ultimate outcome is good. So I guess that is what I meant by that.

I hope all that makes sense. This is all still a journey for me and I am still learning and growing from it, and my understanding of it all is still evolving.

Thanks again to everyone for the thoughtful responses.
 
This is kind of a weird question, but having finally come to accept that I'm polyamorous (it came at me unexpectedly and almost accidentally)... and as a practicing poly person who is just this week celebrating two years in a quad relationship (we are two married, heterosexual couples who "fell for" each other kind of by accident), I sometimes wonder why anyone would actively seek this lifestyle out.

Don't misunderstand. I completely love my husband of 20+ years. I also love my husband's girlfriend (in a sisterly type of way) and yes, my boyfriend too. The four of us have so much fun and so many adventures together and I get so much joy from our relationship that sometimes I feel like I will burst with happiness. And at this point I would no sooner give up my boyfriend or our quad relationship than I would willing give up a limb.

But on the other hand, it is SO complex to manage a quad relationship and all of the individual relationships within that quad. Sometimes, I struggle really hard with issues of jealousy and insecurity--emotions that I had never really felt before our quad...or at least not this intensely. And sometimes I still get really sad about being in the closet, and frustrated that none of us will ever really be able to be open about what we mean to each other. Sometimes I even get terrified that I have risked what was an incredibly strong marriage when we started out (and still is), but could be somehow hurt by opening it up like this to other relationships.

We are in the middle of moving closer to each other...just a few miles away. Maybe I'm just getting cold feet and am feeling anxious due to that.

But, I can't help wondering. Why poly? I didn't choose poly. Poly chose me. And if our quad relationship ended tomorrow (which would be horrible!!), I don't know that I would seek a relationship like this again. I guess I'm saying that even though I might be poly, I would choose not to practice poly. Maybe.

I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?

Please convince me again that this is all incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and all worth it. lol

*chuckle* Complex?~ :)

Me personally, I do not call myself any label nor do I say I am living a "lifestyle", every one has their own "life" and their own "style" of living it.~

I am not monogamous.~ Why? I see no reason to try to limit myself to loving only 1 person my entire life, I don't believe you can control love and when it happens, you can only try to suppress it within yourself and lie to yourself and every one around you, indeed I have fallen in love more than once it just comes naturally to me and I feel no guilt or 'shame' over any of doing so.~ I have yet to have some one love me back in the way that I love them: without holding back.~ If some one were to love me, they would love me completely and purely without any of us holding back.~ I would be overwhelmed with joy if that were ever to happen.~

I am here because I find like-minded people who just so happen to be incredibly nice.~
 
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How did you find out you were Poly/get started

Hi everybody,

Purely informational: how did you find out you were poly/get involved with it?
 
I knew I was poly before I knew there was a word for it. As a child, I believed I would never get married, because that meant you had to be with just one person for the rest of your life, and that sounded absolutely dreadful.

When I got older and learned there was this thing called polyamory, and that I could have my cake and eat it too, I jumped on board and haven't looked back.

Thanks, internet!
 
While my parents were not successful with poly long term, they were adherents. I was brought up to believe it was completely acceptable to love more than one. My first long term relationship was a polyfi vee, and I adored my co-wife. It ended when our hinge died - but she and I are still close.

I would say my only downfall to security is finding others who are like-minded. I find that I don't understand jealousy and am often confused by those who feel it.
 
Re (from cpgermanicus):
"How did you find out you were poly/get involved with it?"

Quite simply, I fell in love with a married woman, and she did the research on the web to find out how we could resolve the situation in an ethical win-win-win manner. It was through that research that we first heard words such as "polyamory" and "polyfidelity."

Of course it helped that I'd been rebelling against everything for several years before this falling-in-love thing.

That's our story in a nutshell.
 
Wife and I talked about an open marriage but I really was just looking for an F buddy. Ended up falling for a married poly woman who was looking for a romantic relationship and I realized I wanted much more with her then just F buddies. So here I am all caught up in NRE when I wasn't looking for this at all.
 
Wife and I talked about an open marriage but I really was just looking for an F buddy. Ended up falling for a married poly woman who was looking for a romantic relationship and I realized I wanted much more with her then just F buddies. So here I am all caught up in NRE when I wasn't looking for this at all.

I often find that when you look for love you almost never seem to find it, but when you're really not looking some times that is when it will happen.~

Love seems to be one of those wild things that it will not often give itself to you if you chase it, but if you let happen naturally and welcome it when it does: you might find love all around you.~

Love,

ColorsWolf
 
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why and how did i get into poly?

There was no whirlwind romance, or anything that interesting. It's been a long process, starting with a conversation with my husband before we got married, about how i crush freely and monogamy felt constraining, leading into 3 years of foot dragging because i was too insecure and shy to ask anybody out. I've been Poly more in theory than in practice, though hopefully that'll change soon.
We recently moved to a new city, where i met and fell madly in crush with this guy at work. It was one sided, and he's been let go so i probably won't see him ever again. But the intensity of it all made me realise that i was ready to start opening up to other people romantically.
 
The year was 1978, I was married in mono to my 1st wife, her best girl friend confided to her that she wished she could have a husband like me, but that all the good men were taken. Shortly after that conversation Lea offered to share me with Hollie, and so our family was born. Sometime later Marie entered our family, and then Jo joined our little band.
Like the Greatful Dead song, it's been a long strange trip, one I wouldn't trade for anything.:D
 
The year was 1978, I was married in mono to my 1st wife, her best girl friend confided to her that she wished she could have a husband like me, but that all the good men were taken. Shortly after that conversation Lea offered to share me with Hollie, and so our family was born. Sometime later Marie entered our family, and then Jo joined our little band.
Like the Greatful Dead song, it's been a long strange trip, one I wouldn't trade for anything.:D

Sounds beautiful!~ ^_^
 
For now I'm just polycurious. I vaguely remember talking about polyarmory to a past friend of mine back in highschool. I acknowledge that I don't get a lot of attention from females in a sexual sense since I give off a friend vibe. I feel that's not a bad trait to have. Being nice, considerate, understanding, and sincere is who I am.

If I can clone myself in body and mind and change the sex as well as the gender of my clone, I would totally love my clone. :D

I don't know where life will take me in terms of relationships, but I can see myself adapting to either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. Though I feel that I should get more relationship experience before going into polyamorous territory. :)
 
For now I'm just polycurious. I vaguely remember talking about polyarmory to a past friend of mine back in highschool. I acknowledge that I don't get a lot of attention from females in a sexual sense since I give off a friend vibe. I feel that's not a bad trait to have. Being nice, considerate, understanding, and sincere is who I am.

If I can clone myself in body and mind and change the sex as well as the gender of my clone, I would totally love my clone. :D

I don't know where life will take me in terms of relationships, but I can see myself adapting to either a monogamous or polyamorous relationship. Though I feel that I should get more relationship experience before going into polyamorous territory. :)

I don't know about you, but I would like some one to be like that to me if we love each other.~

Being "kind" and "compassionate" isn't exclusive "only" being a "Friend".~
 
My Poly Story

Hmm, every time I think about it, I realise that my dealings with polyamory go back further than I acknowledge.

I was recently reminded of something that used to go on in my primary school, between the ages of about 9-11. We used to have these relationships with each other, and effectively cheat because we all liked more than one boy or girl. We came to this decision that we should share boyfriends and girlfriends to make it easier and stop all the silly cheating. We did this until we left for secondary school and it worked perfectly. In addition to this, I would always have a boyfriend at school and a boyfriend around where I lived. I really didn't see what having more than one boyfriend would result in that would be so awful.

When I was 12, I met my first proper boyfriend. He didn't like sex much. I was a horny little devil and he wasn't really that interested. He was 14. We had this weird thing going on throughout our relationship. See, we werent' monogamous and we knew this. We would discuss the other people that we are seeing. I didn't tell these other people about my "proper" boyfriend although they knew I "used" to have a boyfriend by that name and I see him around sometimes. In actuality he was integrated into my home and family and I'd see him most days. With the other guys I had a very age appropriate relationship and I'd only be very sexual with my "proper" boyfriend. Once or twice over three years, both of us started relationships that we couldn't seem to"keep down" and we'd have to publicly "break up" in order for us to have this other relationship. We knew that it wasn't real. We just didn't know how to say "we are not in a monogamous relationship and it's fine. We know and it's fine and this makes us happy".

Often a friend would find out that we were "cheating" and we'd have to stage outrage and all that because we had been so badly "betrayed".

Then at 15 I met my son's dad and I thought that we needed to be monogamous to have a serious relationship so I just kind of forgot all about actively pursuing other relationships. What I did do is have emotional connections with other males that in all honesty surpassed the boundaries of most monogamous relationships but I didn't see it as cheating because I wasn't having sex with them. Nothing like that. Just emotional. We openly had cybersex partners though. I stayed with him until I was 22.

TBC.
 
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