Wife and partner at odds

[MK78]

I need some advice or advice please.



My wife and I have been swingers for about 6 years, but less than a year ago we expanded to poly. My wife was ready and excited for it before I was, she was essentially waiting for me to be ready.



Back in August we decided to jump in and we both had dates with others. Since that time I have developed an amazing relationship with "Lisa" where as my wife "Janelle" has had a struggle finding a solid relationship.



At first Janelle and Lisa chatted quite often. Janelle even chatted with Lisa's husband and 1 time the 4 of us all got together for a fun night.



But now Janelle gets major insecurities every time Lisa and I have a date. Janelle usually has her own dates the same night, but still has issues with my dates. She also stopped chatting with Lisa. If Lisa reaches out to Janelle, she'll respond, but she will never initiate a conversation with Lisa.

Lisa's husband and I have a great friendship! We chat a little every day. He's a stand up guy and truly likes me.

Lisa feels that Janelle doesn't like her, or resents her. She wants to have open communication with her, but Janelle doesn't seem to want anything to with her.

This wouldn't be a huge deal, except Janelle and I have a rule currently that we don't go out at separate times. Janelle can't sit at home while I go out, even if it's just for coffee or dinner. Where as I have let Janelle go out to have dates where she actually had sex with her date, while I Stay home. But if she can't handle it right now, that's fine. But in the last 2 weeks, Janelle has had 2 dates cancel on her, and then I immediately have to cancel with Lisa. This makes Lisa feel like Janelle doesn't care about her feelings, or our relationship. She thinks Janelle only cares about herself.

I'm trying to keep both women in my life happy, but one contradicts the other quite often. My wife has a huge say in my poly relationship, but Lisa says right now she's completely dictating how our relationship progresses, all while not having any communication, or asking what Lisa's needs are.

Sorry long winded, lol. Any advice is appreciated!

Mk78

 

[Clay]

This wouldn't be a huge deal, except Janelle and I have a rule currently that we don't go out at separate times. Janelle can't sit at home while I go out, even if it's just for coffee or dinner. Where as I have let Janelle go out to have dates where she actually had sex with her date, while I Stay home. But if she can't handle it right now, that's fine. But in the last 2 weeks, Janelle has had 2 dates cancel on her, and then I immediately have to cancel with Lisa. This makes Lisa feel like Janelle doesn't care about her feelings, or our relationship. She thinks Janelle only cares about herself.

I guess that's the interesting part. I would not belive the "you go only out when I go out" part is healthy to start with, but if you are fine with it, that can be okay for a while. I do not think it can be like this forever and is bound to create problems.
What is the exit strategy here to gain more confidence and move away from this restricting rule?

To cancel a date because hers got canceled sounds selfish to me. Did you both agree to this in advance and think it through?
Is Janelle fine to cancel her dates for you last minute? Does she care for you and Lisa when she does?

 

[MK78]

Yes, we did decide this rule originally, but then we moved away from it because of dates getting cancelled. Which was ok for a while, but now Janelle says she can't handle staying home when I go out, for the time being. She wants to keep it as a strict rule that we only go out at the same time. She hasn't had to cancel yet, so I don't know how she will react to it.
We are 2 different people. I don't mind when she's out. I find stuff to do, watch a movie, play video games, do some household chores, whatever. She can't distract herself though.
We don't know what the exit strategy is for this. She is going to start seeing a therapist that specializes in ENM relationships, so maybe that'll help?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MK78,

There are two kinds of poly, parallel poly and kitchen table poly. It sounds like Janelle wants parallel poly, whereas Lisa wants kitchen table poly. Whichever way you go, obviously one of these fine ladies is going to be unhappy with the situation. Lisa must realize that Janelle will never be the one to initiate a conversation. Meantime, Lisa's husband has kitchen table poly with you. Both kinds of poly are fine.

Does Lisa know about your rule with Janelle (you and Janelle both agree to it) that you don't go out at separate times? It sounds like Lisa believes that is only Janelle's rule, that you are being dragged into agreeing with it. Is that true?

It is one thing to do a rule that you and Janelle both agree with, but Lisa needs to agree to it too. Right now it sounds like Janelle is getting the priority, Lisa just has to agree to whatever (you and) Janelle want/s.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What is the exit strategy here to gain more confidence and move away from this restricting rule?

Just an acknowledgement that it isn't reasonable. It stems from the fundamental belief that your sexual partners outside the marriage are lesser people for being in the position that they are. That's why they're not worthy of the same kind of treatment you'd give a friend. They've volunteered themselves as a "concubine".

I'm sure that this rule only exists for dates and not social engagements.

Janelle would need to step outside of the mindset that Lisa's needs, comfort, time and presence is less valuable than anyone else's and you'll have to enforce that with strict boundaries.

Practice saying that you will not cancel any more dates just because Lisa is staying in and communicate it to Janelle. Then stick to it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Janelle usually has her own dates the same night, but still has issues with my dates. She also stopped chatting with Lisa. If Lisa reaches out to Janelle, she'll respond, but she will never initiate a conversation with Lisa.

What are the issues?

If Janelle doesn't want to be more than basic polite with Lisa? And doesn't want to share group sex again or be pals? That's ok. You can't FORCE Janell to "click" with people if the chemistry for a friendship just isn't there.

Lisa's husband and I have a great friendship! We chat a little every day. He's a stand up guy and truly likes me.

And that is fine. You and Lisa's husband click for friendship.

Lisa feels that Janelle doesn't like her, or resents her. She wants to have open communication with her, but Janelle doesn't seem to want anything to with her.

Isn't the relationship between Lisa and Janelle for them to sort out? It may be that "basic polite if we run into each other" is good enough for these metas.

This wouldn't be a huge deal, except Janelle and I have a rule currently that we don't go out at separate times.

Sounds like you have outgrown this rule. And could Janelle you no longer will be keeping it.

But in the last 2 weeks, Janelle has had 2 dates cancel on her, and then I immediately have to cancel with Lisa. This makes Lisa feel like Janelle doesn't care about her feelings, or our relationship. She thinks Janelle only cares about herself.

Sounds like Lisa blames Janelle rather than holding YOU accountable for canceling your dates with Lisa.

I'm trying to keep both women in my life happy, but one contradicts the other quite often. My wife has a huge say in my poly relationship, but Lisa says right now she's completely dictating how our relationship progresses, all while not having any communication, or asking what Lisa's needs are.

I think you could step it up and hinge better.

It isn't your fault or problem if Janelle's dates cancel on Janelle. Why do you allow it to affect your date with Lisa?

She wants to keep it as a strict rule that we only go out at the same time.

Janelle can want something. And it is still possible for you to kindly and firmly say "No, thank you. I do not agree to that any more. I can try to schedule my dates with other people on days you also have other plans. But it is not my fault if your other dates cancel on you. Them canceling doesn't automatically mean that I have to cancel my plans.

If you need help or support in learning how to be home alone, when people cancel on you? I'm willing to see the therapist with you. "

 

[MK78]

@GalaGirl





We have had the no separate dates rule since the beginning, but as dates canceled on us, we adjusted. I had no problem with Janelle going out on her own, but everytime I went to leave for a date, Janelle would sit in our room, pouty, sad, and making me feel guilty as hell that I was leaving. Eventually she said she didn't want me going out solo anymore, until she could figure out how to deal with her feelings about it. I agreed, because my dates with Lisa those nights weren't fun anyways, as I spent the entire night worried about how Janelle was doing, and how she was going to act when I got home.

 

[GalaGirl]

We have had the no separate dates rule since the beginning, but as dates canceled on us, we adjusted. I had no problem with Janelle going out on her own, but everytime I went to leave for a date, Janelle would sit in our room, pouty, sad, and making me feel guilty as hell that I was leaving.

Could practice healthy detachment. It doesn't mean you do not care at ALL about Janelle. It just means you cannot do this work FOR her. So you have to detach a bit and let her solve it herself. It's probably good she's seeking a therapist.

Eventually she said she didn't want me going out solo anymore, until she could figure out how to deal with her feelings about it. I agreed, because my dates with Lisa those nights weren't fun anyways, as I spent the entire night worried about how Janelle was doing, and how she was going to act when I got home.

That's where you may benefit from your own counseling.

You two seemed very mixed up in each other's feelings. When there is NOTHING WRONG with you having separate dates.

 

[Magdlyn]

You and Janelle won't ever have a healthy polyamorous relationship if you don't learn to disentangle. Polyamory requires a certain amount of self-reliance and independence. A couple may be used to living as if they are one being. After all, the Bible says a married man and woman are "one flesh," right?

Wrong.

You are individuals. You can and should be able to operate independently. You should never cancel a date just because someone cancels on Janelle. If she doesn't want to "sit home," she can call a friend and go out with them or, if no one is available, learn to go out on her own, see a movie, eat a nice meal, go to a bookstore, take a walk in a park, work out at the gym, etc., etc.

If anyone ever needed to read this article, it's you and Janelle. Check it out:

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com