Wife is poly, I am not, this is very new

[generic_throwaway]

I'll try to be as brief as I can...

Wife and I have a very loving and largely happy marriage. Our family unit is me, her, and her two kids from her prior marriage (my stepdaughters). I am for all intents and purposes their dad, and have had them from very young.

The marriage has become platonic, largely my doing, and she recently asked if we could open the marriage so that she could have an outlet for sexual gratification. While I wasn't particularly happy about this, I realized it was not fair or realistic for me to expect her to go without sex forever, and I gave the go-ahead for her to seek this. She had someone in mind at the time, and one of her selling points was that, while this was someone she liked very much on a personal level, he would drive her batty in a relationship and this was just about having a sexual outlet with someone that she liked and trusted. Not a relationship. So, fine.

Since then, a few weeks ago, she met someone else who she HAS developed strong feelings for very quickly. He has a kid. While she understands that more time is needed before we know anything for sure, it seems pretty likely that her goal is to have him and his son eventually move into our house and we become one large family. This is already way, way more than I bargained for. I guess I should have known it was a possibility when consenting to open the marriage, but I'm really really not comfortable with joining families, with taking on another child, with another guy living in the house. I love my stepdaughters dearly, but I was kind of planning on some peace and quiet when they go away to college in a few years (this new guy's child is in 1st grade).

But most importantly, I never really signed up for sharing my wife in all aspects of life, just one. But... it would make her happy, and it would devastate my stepdaughters if I left. Conversely, not allowing this, I feel, would cause her to become resentful, and she would be unhappy.

Not trying to sound all martyr complex here, but it feels like I sort of have to just go along with this or a lot of people I love become miserable. I know people can't be reduced to mathematical equations, but it seems like 1 unhappy person is preferable to 3 unhappy people, and as such, it would kind of fall on me to just suck it up. If I were not able to do this, what possible solutions might there be where the amount of pain for everyone is as minimized as possible? She loves me, wants me around, and firmly doesn't want me to go anywhere.

Sorry, I guess it wasn't that brief. I'm pretty overwhelmed.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

While she understands that more time is needed before we know anything for sure, it seems pretty likely that her goal is to have him and his son eventually move into our house and we become one large family.

Remember, just because she has a wish, neither you, your stepkids, Dude, or his kid have to share this wish, and it doesn't get to happen without all affected parties voting "yes."

This is already way, way more than I bargained for. I guess I should have known it was a possibility when consenting to open the marriage, but I'm really really not comfortable with joining families, with taking on another child, with another guy living in the house. I love my stepdaughters dearly, but I was kind of planning on some peace and quiet when they go away to college in a few years (this new guy's child is in 1st grade).

If you were looking forward to an empty nest, you can still do that. If Wife wants to be a hinge who travels between homes, she might have to go for her second choice. Just because one person has some "all in one house" WISH, it doesn't have to happen in REAL LIFE. Fantasy is just fantasy.

But most importantly, I never really signed up for sharing my wife in all aspects of life, just one. But... it would make her happy, and it would devastate my stepdaughters if I left. Conversely, not allowing this, I feel, would cause her to become resentful, and she would be unhappy.

Setting Wife and stepkids aside, what would make YOU happy? If being mostly monogamish, up for casual sex partner sometimes, is as far as you want to get into non-monogamy, you can say that to her. You do NOT have to want everything she wants. You do NOT have to be up for everything she's up for.

it seems like 1 unhappy person is preferable to 3 unhappy people, and as such, it would kind of fall on me to just suck it up. If I were not able to do this, what possible solutions might there be where the amount of pain for everyone is as minimized as possible? She loves me, wants me around, and firmly doesn't want me to go anywhere.

Why do you have to be miserable, sucking things up? You have to be able to say "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or stuff I don't want."

Become willing for the relationship shapes to CHANGE. You two can break up peacefully. If both sides want that, figure out how to be exes and friends later on.

You can speak directly to your nearly-grown stepkids and say that if you and the teens want to continue the stepdad/stepdaughter relationships, even if you break up with their mom, you can all decide that WITHOUT Mom's input.

Galagirl

 

[generic_throwaway]

Thanks very much for the reply, I appreciate your time.

And with the nearly grown step kids? You talk to them direct. If you and the teens want to continue the stepdad-step daughter relationships even if you break up with the mom? You all can decide that. WITHOUT the mom's input.

Galagirl

Nearly grown is a bit of a stretch -- it's a young teen and an almost-teen. Old enough to have actual conversations with, but still very tricky ages for this sort of thing. I have already been tearfully asked by the oldest to assure her I'm not going anywhere. No matter what, they would always be welcome and have anytime-access to me wherever I might be, but... still. It wouldn't be the same if I weren't living under the same roof.

I do want to emphasize that my wife has a huge heart and is a wonderful person. She "wants it all" but readily admits she's probably asking for too much. Her reasoning for wanting everyone to cohabitate together is to minimize the "time" problem when trying to split time between partners. However, again, while I believe she would respect a firm declaration that I can't do a cohabitating situation, surely that would end up breeding resentment and unhappiness in her. I don't believe there is a scenario where nobody is unhappy. I'm just trying to figure out which scenario causes the least collective pain.

Again, thank you for your comments.

 

[lithoman]

One of the things I did with my wife's main partner, who does, for all intents and purposes live with us, was start to get to know him apart from my wife. He is super respectful of me and my feelings about my wife and I am about his about her. It wasn't easy, but it was simple. I would hang out with them and then later he and I would chat apart from her.

From what I read it sounds like your wife is bathed in NRE. A few weeks is not very much time and while she has an idea of what she wants long term, an intentional family, whether it will be with this person or not remains to be seen. Once the pink clouds have evaporated and a more matter of fact analysis can be made, the idea might still be worthwhile, but the players may not be. It took a couple of years and my consent to do what my wife, myself, and her partner are doing now and I was not passive about it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello generic_throwaway,

I think you are already being very generous, in not only saying okay to an open marriage (which you didn't really want), but also being reluctant but willing to let her be more involved with this new guy. It's cohabitation where you want to draw the line, and in my opinion it's your wife's turn to compromise a little and let you have that much. Okay, so more time will be involved in switching between one house and another. It still won't kill her to do that. And this new guy could move to be close to your house (just not in it), which would make the extra time expenditure minimal for your wife. I just don't think she would have that much to complain about -- nor that much to resent -- nor that much by which to be hurt. She'd be getting 99% of what she wanted, and for her that would be a sweet deal.

It's not just about how many people are in pain. It's also about how much pain each person is in -- what the total amount of pain is for all the people involved in the situation. You would save a lot of pain for yourself by drawing the line at cohabitation -- and she would only have to take on board a little bit of sting. So that's less pain for you and her combined. When speaking of fairness, that would be the logical way of looking at it -- so my advice is to tell her, "I'll tolerate this new guy being your boyfriend, and he can move to live near us, but I don't want him to live with us. That is my line in the sand."

Good luck and I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Ah, my mistake. When you said college in a few years, I thought they were older HS teens, like 10th or 11th graders.

It wouldn't be the same if I weren't living under the same roof.

No, it's not the same as living there.

If you haven't formally adopted them, if you move out and they don't drive or take busses on their own yet, and their mom puts up roadblocks, then yeah, it would be harder. But there's mail, email, phone, video calls, etc., until they are legal adults and can make their own choices.

Even if you have adopted them and their mom IS supportive of being a divorced coparenting family, it can be tricky when the divorced parents live in separate homes. But it's not impossible. Many healthy divorced families do it.

I do want to emphasize that my wife has a huge heart and is a wonderful person. She "wants it all" but readily admits she's probably asking for too much.

She's probably caught up in NRE, not just with Dude, but with the idea of poly in general. There's no need to rush into anything like cohabitation, though.

On your end, there is no need for you to subsume yourself to the relationship. YOU get to aim for happiness too. It is not just for everyone else.

Are you in poly hell?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Her reasoning for wanting everyone to cohabitate together is to minimize the "time" problem when trying to split time between partners.

Whose problem is that, though? Not everyone wants Kitchen Table Poly (KTP) or cohabitating KTP. Just because "everyone together" is handy for the hinge and easiest for a newbie to imagine, doesn't mean it's what ALL the people want or what is healthiest for ALL. Other poly people solve it in many ways, like eventually moving to different apartments in same apartment complex or building, or getting houses in the same neighborhood, or even next door. All that can happen OVER TIME. It does not have to happen "instantly." Divorced coparents also figure out how to "close the distance" between homes to make the coparenting parts easier.

However, again, while I believe she would respect a firm declaration that I can't do a cohabitating situation, surely that would end up breeding resentment and unhappiness in her.

You having your own wishes for how you want to live YOUR life, is you treating her unfairly HOW? That bold part is her job. Her emotional management, dealing with disappointments, joys, whatever, is her stuff to manage. You do not have to pre-manage or manage them for her.

Do you worry about her doing that, because that's what you do, start doing stuff you really don't want to do to please the person, then over time getting resentful because of your choice? Do you think others operate that way? Or is she really like that and you know her?

If SHE chooses to stick with you and becomes resentful later because she wanted something else, she is free to change her mind and part ways with you later. Nobody is trapped here.

Some long-term couples get really enmeshed/codependent. I'm not saying that is happening here, but try not to jump the gun on things worrying too far ahead. Think it out. You are still YOU. She is still HER. Even though sometimes you are a COUPLE, you are both still individuals. This idea that couples "merge" or "become one," in some kind of "CoupleBlob:" while encouraged in movies and books, etc., as "romantic," is not actually healthy.

I don't believe there is a scenario where nobody is unhappy. I'm just trying to figure out which scenario causes the least collective pain.

When all the choice stink, you go with the one that supports your own long-term health and wellbeing. To me that means a willingness to change the relationship shape, to disband the marriage part, and think about becoming exes and friends who continue to coparent the minors like any other healthy divorced coparenting family would.

All break-ups come with some grief, but that is NORMAL. You volunteering to be the "miserable one" is not necessary, healthy, rational, or reasonable. You don't have to throw yourself under the bus.

If you have some people-pleaser stuff going on, you might consider why you put others ahead of yourself. Being selfless or doing self neglect is NOT a virtue. It is okay for you to say "No, thanks" to anything you do not want to be doing. If this poly V thing turns out NOT your cup of tea, you do NOT have to participate. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you.

I can understand feeling overwhelmed right now, but you do not have to have all the answers this MINUTE. I encourage you to SLOW DOWN and think what would make YOU most happy. I encourage you to think about an individual counselor if you need more help or support sorting yourself out.

She only met Dude a few weeks ago. That's not a reason for YOUR whole life to be upended and turned inside out, and certainly not a reason to all start living together and start coparenting his kid too. I get it might FEEL urgent or anxious, especially if she's overloading you by oversharing too many things. Reality check: You don't have to lift a finger on any of Dude stuff. You aren't dating him. And his kid is not your kid. You don't have to be a jerk to either Dude or his kid. But you don't need move Dude in and start planning to help send his kid to college either. Slow your roll.

If wife is all gushing all her lalas at you and you are getting full, it's okay to tell her to STOP telling you. She can tell a friend, Dude, a counselor, whoever, especially if all this does is provoke anxieties.

Take this a lot slower. Prioritize YOUR wellbeing.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Polyamory does NOT mean the hinge gets to live with all her lovers and all the kids! No! No! No!

My female nesting partner and I do not want to share a house with either of our male lovers full time. My bf (who lives in our town) is welcome here when my female partner goes to her bf's place (next town over, 10 minutes away). Otherwise they rarely meet. They are friendly acquaintances.

Likewise, my metamour, my gf's bf, does not want to share his house with me. No way, Jose. He likes his space, and only his partner (my gf) is allowed to come over whenever she wants (it's usually Fri-Mon or Tues). When he and I meet, it is planned in advance, usually just a family dinner, a game night, or an outing of some kind.

In your case, your wife has only known Dude a few weeks! OMG. She's in NRE. She barely knows him (unless they have been platonic friends for a while...). I can't imagine why you'd be so self-sacrificing as to imagine sharing your home with a person your wife barely knows and you know less.

Maybe because you feel guilty because you no longer want to have sex with her. I do wonder why you don't. Is there some other kind of buried resentment going on, some kind of low self esteem thing? Just throwing that out there.

 

[generic_throwaway]

From what I read it sounds like your wife is bathed in NRE. A few weeks is not very much time and while she has an idea of what she wants long term, an intentional family, whether it will be with this person or not remains to be seen. Once the pink clouds have evaporated and a more matter of fact analysis can be made, the idea might still be worthwhile, but the players may not be. It took a couple of years and my consent to do what my wife, myself, and her partner are doing now and I was not passive about it.

Yeah, you and others are quite correct about the NRE. Very much so.

Let me ask you, how did you initially feel when your wife met this other partner? Would you have found the idea of your current arrangement to be a complete non-starter at the time? Is it something you grew to accept and be okay with over time?

It's not just about how many people are in pain. It's also about how much pain each person is in -- what the total amount of pain is for all the people involved in the situation. You would save a lot of pain for yourself by drawing the line at cohabitation -- and she would only have to take on board a little bit of sting. So that's less pain for you and her combined. When speaking of fairness, that would be the logical way of looking at it -- so my advice is to tell her, "I'll tolerate this new guy being your boyfriend, and he can move to live near us, but I don't want him to live with us. That is my line in the sand."

That makes sense, unless the kid factor becomes the X factor here, which I can see happening. I can definitely envision a scenario where my two stepdaughters get attached to his son -- they are both fantastic with younger kids -- and at that point, insisting on separate living spaces, and being the only one that wants it that way, might become untenable. But yeah, there are a lot of ifs here, I understand that. It just wouldn't surprise me. All the kids are meeting each other tomorrow for the first time (by my younger stepdaugher's request).

And if you haven't formally adopted them, if you move out and they don't drive or bus on their own yet, and the mom puts up road blocks, then yeah. It's harder. But there's mail, email, phone, video calls, etc til they are legal adults and make their own choices.

I wouldn't expect roadblocks. I am certain my wife would be supportive of as much continued involvement as desired, and in fact would be disappointed and upset if it were any other way.

Are you dealing in poly hell things?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

Ha, yes, some of that is definitely in play. The NRE is strong right now. To her credit she is really making a concerted effort to avoid some of the pitfalls mentioned in this article, not always successfully, but she is trying.

If SHE chooses to stick with you and becomes resentful later because she wanted something else? She is free to change her mind and part ways with you later.

Yes, thank you for this. You're right.

You volunteering to be the "miserable one" is not necessary, healthy, rational, or reasonable. You don't have to throw you under the bus.

Yes. I understand. The one thing she has done, that I really wish she wouldn't have, is tell our girls that I am okay with all this. She did so with the goal of reassuring them, as they've had a high amount of abandonment/loss in their young lives already... but that is not really true, and if I end up not being able to handle this, I feel like it paints me as the bad guy for going back on what I (never) said. If the children were not involved, I would feel much stronger about a clear "this is how far I'm willing to stretch and that's that" boundary. I do feel some obligation to sacrifice in order to keep some stability in their lives, even if that seems like it's veering into martyr complex territory.

I get it might FEEL urgent or anxious. Especially if she's overloading you by oversharing too many things.

Take this a lot slower. Prioritize YOUR well being.

This definitely feels like it's moving too fast and slowing down is very sound advice. It can be difficult for me to hang onto that mindset when I'm hearing constant talk of love, and the distant future, and "it's like we've known each other all our lives," and all that classic NRE stuff. There is some oversharing that hurts. But yeah, I think that taking a step back and letting things play out is for the best, for now.

In your case, your wife has only known Dude a few weeks! OMG. She's in NRE. She barely knows him (unless they have been platonic friends for a while...). I can't imagine why you'd be so self-sacrificing as to imagine sharing your home with a person your wife barely knows and you know less.

It's actually somebody she knew in childhood, and then hasn't seen in 30 years. So, while their adult relationship is new, there is also a lot of "catching up on old times" bonding energy.

The self-sacrifice stems from the children dynamic, in the event that they all become attached to each other. I know this is all happening very fast, but I know my girls, and I can totally see this happening. But I will certainly let things play out.



Thank you all again for your responses, it has been helpful.

 

[GalaGirl]

Yes. I understand. The one thing she has done, that I really wish she wouldn't have, is to tell our girls that I am okay with all this. She did so with the goal of reassuring them, as they've had a high amount of abandonment/loss in their young lives already... but that is not really true, and if I end up not being able to handle this, I feel like it paints me as the bad guy for going back on what I (never) said. If the children were not involved, I would feel much stronger about a clear "this is how far I'm willing to stretch, and that's that" boundary. I do feel some obligation to sacrifice in order to keep some stability in their lives, even if that seems like it's veering into martyr-complex territory.

This was not okay to do without your consent, in my opinion. Depending on the ages of children, parents don't tell them EVERYTHING in detail. As they grow they can be informed about more at an age-appropriate level. Are they roughly elementary school age, or middle school? It doesn't sound like HS.

but that is not really true, and if I end up not being able to handle this, I feel like it paints me as the bad guy for going back on what I (never) said.

You could be honest with them.

• Say that Mom told them stuff without your knowledge or your consent, and Mom would like to apologize to all of the family now for speaking for others, rather than just herself.
• And on your end, for now you are willing to try this on. You want them to know this from YOU. You will update the kids as needed at age-appropriate levels as things develop.
• Privately, you tell wife to cut that out. It NOT okay to put words in your mouth like that without obtaining consent first.

One teaches children that consent matters in all sorts of smaller ways, before they come of age, like: pausing to knock at the bedroom door even if the door is open, to ask if it is okay to come in and talk, or asking if it is okay to hug, or if it is okay to borrow their markers, so that when they start dating, they won't put up with fresh behavior and people doing things to them without their consent. Consent DOES matter.

It's not about being a "perfect parent" or presenting a "united front" to the kids, at least not in my parenting style. For me it was telling them honest but age-appropriate stuff, treating them like real people, apologizing to them when I messed up. I'm not Super Mom, I'm HUMAN.

My relationship with my offspring has changed MANY times already. They get it. How we were as toddler/parent is not the same as college student/parent, and all the other stages in between.

Entering a new chapter is entering a new chapter. It is not abandoning them. But I cannot stay at the "diapering/breastfeeding/doing all your things for you" level for their whole life.

Your wife needs to get her NRE lalas under better control and STOP oversharing all over the place. Why did the kids even have to know right now she's got Dude as a potential, if she's only just starting that? It could wait a bit until Wife and Dude know if it's even a runner.

A lot of poly parents take longer to introduce poly dating partners to kids. He could have just been an "old family friend that's coming to visit to catch up" for a little while, since she's known him so long and this new development is still so new.

I hope you are able to talk to her and she's able to SLOW DOWN some. Even if she's known him decades, she doesn't know him in THIS context. Where's the fire?

Galagirl

 

[lithoman]

By the time my wife found this partner, we had already configured our living arrangement and put to bed any concerns or fears. I met the people he was living with at the time and my wife would stay with them one week and with me the next.

She still spends MUCH more time with him than with me. Even when it's "my" week, she spends time with others. That is ok by me. In our case that just makes our time together better. Compersion is what I feel. I am grateful for this partner, and others as they provide something that my wife wants, but doesn't want from me.

 

[generic_throwaway]

Are they roughly elementary school age, or middle School? It doesn't sound like HS.

The older one is 13-going-on-40 and the younger is 11-going-on-8. Very different kids that need different approaches.

Why did the kids even have to know right now she's got Dude as a potential, if she's only starting out with that? It could wait a bit until Wife and Dude know if it's even a runner.

A lot of poly parents take longer to introduce poly dating partners to kids. He could have just been an "old family friend that's coming to visit to catch up" for a little while, since she's known him so long and this new development is still so new.

In her defense, this was exactly her plan. The 13 y/o kind of blew it up because she is exceptionally perceptive, questions e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, and is also kinda sneaky. She sussed out what was going on.

But they both want to meet the little boy, so they're all doing an outing together tomorrow. I'm not planning on going with them because I'm not ready yet and I don't want to be put in a spot where I kill the mood and say something snarky because I'm not ready to deal yet. My wife is disappointed about that, but it's just too much right now. I am not sure when, or if, that will change, but it definitely hasn't yet. So that may serve as a reality check for them on the "okay with all this" line.

By the time my wife found this partner, we had already configured our living arrangement and put to bed any concerns or fears. I met the people he was living with at the time and my wife would stay with them one week and with me the next.

Okay. You were at a very different place than I am right now. I am still trying to process all this. I feel like I'm being asked to process several level-jumps all at once.

You have a great attitude about it, though. I hope I can get there someday.

 

[Magdlyn]

The older one is 13-going-on-40 and the younger is 11-going-on-8. Very different kids that need different approaches.

In her defense, this was exactly her plan. The 13 y/o kind of blew it up because she is exceptionally perceptive, questions e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, and is also kinda sneaky. She sussed out what was going on.

She figured out that Mom was starting to actually date a guy she knew as a teen. Okay, whatever. She can be told that Mom and Dad now have an open relationship and it's all agreed upon and great. But your daughters didn't need to know more than that. They didn't need to meet the guy. They didn't need to be told he had a cute little son. They didn't need to go have a family date: your wife, her kids, new guy and his kid.

May I suggest you both read the book Opening Up as soon as possible? It will cover every scenario that could crop up here, such as:

Doing poly when kids are in the mix
NRE and moving too fast
To cohabit or not

And many other things.

These topics are all searchable here on this site, as well. You can read about how others have handled all of these problems.

But they both want to meet the little boy, so they're all doing an outing together tomorrow. I'm not planning on going with them because I'm not ready yet.

You know what? You don't ever need to hang out with this guy. Many poly people do parallel poly, where one lover is over here and another lover is over there. You might meet at the door when he comes to pick her up for a date. You might exchange phone numbers to call each other in case of emergencies. But you alone, you personally, get to decide if YOU want to do parallel poly, or do kitchen table poly, as your wife seems to think she wants.

She's not being rational. She hasn't seen this guy in 30 years! She's moving too fast. What if your daughters do get attached to him and his kid, but in a few months they decided to part ways? All the kids will be disappointed, maybe even upset.

and I don't want to be put in a spot where I kill the mood and say something snarky because I'm not ready to deal yet.

Definitely. There is no need to be dragged along on their romantic lala-land NRE dates.

And you can strongly request your daughters do not get dragged along and observe this either. It may not be good for them. When I first began dating I avoided having my new lovers meet my kids (who were older teens/early 20s at that point), until I'd been seeing them for months. And even then it would be a brief meeting. We wouldn't go out and do activities as if we were a family group right away. If I broke up with the dating partner, I didn't want to make my kids feel like they were breaking up with him or her as well.

My wife is disappointed about that, but it's just too much right now. Not sure when -- or if -- that changes, but it definitely hasn't yet. So that may serve as a reality check for them on the "okay with all this" line.

Yes, it's a good personal boundary for you to enforce, for your own well-being.

 

[generic_throwaway]

You know what? You don't ever need to hang out with this guy. Many poly people do parallel poly, where one lover is over here and another lover is over there. You might meet at the door when he comes to pick her up for a date. You might exchange phone numbers to call each other in case of emergencies. But you alone, you personally, get to decide if YOU want to do parallel poly, or do kitchen table poly, as your wife seems to think she wants.

Yeah, thanks, I appreciate this. Another aspect to all this is that I am quite introverted with some level of social anxiety. My wife is one of the *very* few people I would rather be with than alone. So, there is another aspect of discomfort with the poly arrangement that she has her heart set on. I'm already uncomfortable with the poly aspect of this, jealousy, sharing my wife, etc. Now add the expectation of what feels like forced socialization. It's not anything against him personally, I suspect he's probably a great guy. But I can't imagine I would ever feel like I could truly be myself around him, and in her perfect scenario, that would be pretty much all the time.

I think I would have a hard time accepting this regardless, but an arrangement like you outlined above would make it a touch easier for me.

And you can strongly request your daughters do not get dragged along and observe this either. It may not be good for them. When I first began dating I avoided having my new lovers meet my kids (who were older teens/early 20s at that point), until I'd been seeing them for months. And even then it would be a brief meeting. We wouldn't go out and do activities as if we were a family group right away. If I broke up with the dating partner, I didn't want to make my kids feel like they were breaking up with him or her as well.

This is a healthy approach, but for better or for worse, my wife moves very fast when she wants something. Generally thorough and not reckless, but fast. In this case, though, it feels like I'm getting a little bit steamrolled.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, thanks, I appreciate this. Another aspect to all this is that I am quite introverted with some level of social anxiety. My wife is one of the *very* few people I would rather be with than alone. So, there is another aspect of discomfort with the poly arrangement that she has her heart set on. I'm already uncomfortable with the poly aspect of this, jealousy, sharing my wife, etc. Now add the expectation of what feels like forced socialization. It's not anything against him personally, I suspect he's probably a great guy. But I can't imagine I would ever feel like I could truly be myself around him, and in her perfect scenario, that would be pretty much all the time.

I think I would have a hard time accepting this regardless, but an arrangement like you outlined above would make it a touch easier for me.


This is a healthy approach, but for better or for worse, my wife moves very fast when she wants something. Generally thorough and not reckless, but fast. In this case, though, it feels like I'm getting a little bit steamrolled.

You are being steamrolled. Even if you were more extroverted, this is a lot. And those kids are as much yours as hers. You have a right to say how much you want them to be exposed to the new bf.

Here is one older thread about kids and polyamory:

https://polyamory.com/threads/poly-parents-and-poly-kids-article.1756/