So my wife is poly and til now I was ok with she had her other partners but they never came in the home. I'm hurt now because she doesn't seem to be displaying the forethought of our relationship like she should. We are seperated now though not legally. She is angry at me for asking her to ignore her roommate and potentially second partner so that we can secure our relationship. She is also asking that they move in though I am highly uncomfortable with the idea bc our home is our space. I just don't know what to do.
Wife is poly
- Thread starter Bluewoman
- Start date
Are you saying you used to live with your wife, but you've separated and now she's living with her other partner?
You want her to take a break from her other partner, come home to you, and work on the relationship?
And she won't do this, and in fact, wants to just move her other partner into the home you share with her.
You don't have to live with her other partner just because she wants you to. Also, she can decide if she wants to give up her other partner (even temporarily) and try to work things out with you.
Have you considered couple's counseling? It sounds like you each want different things. Sometimes "polyamory" is a term used loosely (and incorrectly) to mean "I am lining up another new person before I leave my other partner."
You want her to take a break from her other partner, come home to you, and work on the relationship?
And she won't do this, and in fact, wants to just move her other partner into the home you share with her.
You don't have to live with her other partner just because she wants you to. Also, she can decide if she wants to give up her other partner (even temporarily) and try to work things out with you.
Have you considered couple's counseling? It sounds like you each want different things. Sometimes "polyamory" is a term used loosely (and incorrectly) to mean "I am lining up another new person before I leave my other partner."
I'm sorry you hurting. 
What I cannot tell from your post is what exactly is happening. Is it this? I might guess wrong. I quote just to block if off visually.
Is that it?
I think you could tell wife "No. I prefer to live alone or just you. I don't want your other poly partners living here." Then seek a counselor for divorce support to help guide you through all this stuff, whatever it is ultimately happens.
As for who she dates in separation? You can ask her not to add more partners right now, but she might not agree. You can also ask her to work on marriage repair. But she also might not agree. The thing about priorities is that each person sets their own. You might wind up with shared priorities if they match. But sometimes they don't align.
Then what?
I can imagine it is tough. Esp if you are hoping for (marriage repair) as the result of the separation and maybe you see wife leaning more toward (divorce) instead.
Is that what is happening? You are hurting because you are seeing her "leaving" more and more?
I suggest you do your soul searching. If the separation so far is showing that you are best off with divorce? Maybe focus on a clean parting than trying to hang on. I know there's grief and things to work through... and I can imagine it is rough. That's why extra support from a counselor may be helpful to you.
If you find yourself trying to keep flying a kite that just won't fly any more? Or like you are bending yourself into pretzels just to keep going? Maybe it's time to honestly reflect if this relationship is best ended? I don't know if this would help you any.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
You could decide to not linger in the "dragging it out" space. You could choose to linger in the healing space instead.
FWIW, I'm sorry this is happening right now.
Galagirl
What I cannot tell from your post is what exactly is happening. Is it this? I might guess wrong. I quote just to block if off visually.
Is that it?
I think you could tell wife "No. I prefer to live alone or just you. I don't want your other poly partners living here." Then seek a counselor for divorce support to help guide you through all this stuff, whatever it is ultimately happens.
As for who she dates in separation? You can ask her not to add more partners right now, but she might not agree. You can also ask her to work on marriage repair. But she also might not agree. The thing about priorities is that each person sets their own. You might wind up with shared priorities if they match. But sometimes they don't align.
Then what?
I can imagine it is tough. Esp if you are hoping for (marriage repair) as the result of the separation and maybe you see wife leaning more toward (divorce) instead.
Is that what is happening? You are hurting because you are seeing her "leaving" more and more?
I suggest you do your soul searching. If the separation so far is showing that you are best off with divorce? Maybe focus on a clean parting than trying to hang on. I know there's grief and things to work through... and I can imagine it is rough. That's why extra support from a counselor may be helpful to you.
If you find yourself trying to keep flying a kite that just won't fly any more? Or like you are bending yourself into pretzels just to keep going? Maybe it's time to honestly reflect if this relationship is best ended? I don't know if this would help you any.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
You could decide to not linger in the "dragging it out" space. You could choose to linger in the healing space instead.
FWIW, I'm sorry this is happening right now.
Galagirl
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vinsanity0
Active member
I take it you are mono and you expect your wife to put your relationship above all else? Unfortunately, that is not the way a lot of poly people think. Poly means carrying on with more than one relationship at a time.
You can ask for more time, more consideration of your feelings, more communication, etc., but you can't expect a poly partner to drop their whole life to cater to your needs. That can't be a test of how much a person loves you.
You didn't talk about what caused your separation, but it's important to work out those issues in order to get back together. Does she want to do that? It's fine for you to not want the three of you to cohabitate. It might be a deal breaker for her though.
You can ask for more time, more consideration of your feelings, more communication, etc., but you can't expect a poly partner to drop their whole life to cater to your needs. That can't be a test of how much a person loves you.
You didn't talk about what caused your separation, but it's important to work out those issues in order to get back together. Does she want to do that? It's fine for you to not want the three of you to cohabitate. It might be a deal breaker for her though.
Reexplaining
I have no problem with her being poly before we were married and I have no problem with it while married. We have had a lot of other problems not related to poly that has hurt our relationship andshe sought s seperation for herself to help herself become more indepent. Her mental and pschial health stopped her from all of that. It was also for us to repair our marriage. We established rules for the seperation which didn't exclude sex bc she absoluty refused to do so. Roommate moved in and it became a relationship even though I ask her to focus on securing our relationship before pursuing another one. Now this person is younger model in my eyes and I can recognized the green eyed monster is out. And that is bc they are living together while I'm two hours away. This person has no family and she doesn't want to leave them alone when she leaves school. She wants to have them live with us which I don't want. I can recognize I don't have control over her but I do our money bc I am the only bread winner of our family we can not afford two rents come the new year it will be impossible and now with her immuno defiency she can't work til she gets it under control. Does this explain better what is going
I have no problem with her being poly before we were married and I have no problem with it while married. We have had a lot of other problems not related to poly that has hurt our relationship andshe sought s seperation for herself to help herself become more indepent. Her mental and pschial health stopped her from all of that. It was also for us to repair our marriage. We established rules for the seperation which didn't exclude sex bc she absoluty refused to do so. Roommate moved in and it became a relationship even though I ask her to focus on securing our relationship before pursuing another one. Now this person is younger model in my eyes and I can recognized the green eyed monster is out. And that is bc they are living together while I'm two hours away. This person has no family and she doesn't want to leave them alone when she leaves school. She wants to have them live with us which I don't want. I can recognize I don't have control over her but I do our money bc I am the only bread winner of our family we can not afford two rents come the new year it will be impossible and now with her immuno defiency she can't work til she gets it under control. Does this explain better what is going
Thank you for more info.
If she's not doing her fair share of marriage repair? You can ask her to do the things. But you cannot MAKE her.
If she's blowing it off entirely or just "going through the motions" but doesn't really mean it? You might have to decide that she's not just not meeting your expectations and no longer try to bother repairing anything with her then.
If you do not want this person moving in with you and wife? You say so plain. You don't have to pay rent for her other partners or take them into your home.
You could say "No, thanks. I don't want to live with your poly partners."
If the roomie wants to move too after wife graduates school? Roomie can figure out how to set up a new flat and pay for it themselves. Nothing to do with you.
I get being on a budget. If you can no longer pay for your home here and also for wife's bills over there come the new year? You tell wife that.
And if she cannot work yet to pay her own bills? Well, she has sort out disability if she qualifies. And she also has to choose where to live next year.
You are under no obligation to financially support her other poly partners.
Galagirl
If she's not doing her fair share of marriage repair? You can ask her to do the things. But you cannot MAKE her.
If she's blowing it off entirely or just "going through the motions" but doesn't really mean it? You might have to decide that she's not just not meeting your expectations and no longer try to bother repairing anything with her then.
If you do not want this person moving in with you and wife? You say so plain. You don't have to pay rent for her other partners or take them into your home.
You could say "No, thanks. I don't want to live with your poly partners."
If the roomie wants to move too after wife graduates school? Roomie can figure out how to set up a new flat and pay for it themselves. Nothing to do with you.
I get being on a budget. If you can no longer pay for your home here and also for wife's bills over there come the new year? You tell wife that.
And if she cannot work yet to pay her own bills? Well, she has sort out disability if she qualifies. And she also has to choose where to live next year.
- Either she chooses to move back home with you alone.
- Or she chooses to live somewhere else with roomie, friends, or family who will pick up her bills.
You are under no obligation to financially support her other poly partners.
Galagirl
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Hello Bluewoman,
It sounds like your marriage is on the rocks. You want your wife to stop seeing other people, in order to work on the marriage. Your wife, quite to the contrary, wants to move back home with her new partner (who is staying with her right now), something you are not okay with, and have never been okay with, but especially not now, when you have so many problems in the marriage that need to be worked on. Have I got that right so far? and you originally wanted her to forgo sex during this time of separation, but she refused to agree to that condition. So now she has gotten involved with someone new, much to your dismay, and wants to move them home with her, something you would never have wanted. Things are not going as you had hoped they would, not even close. So now you are trying to decide what to do next, and maybe you are even hoping there is some way to convince your wife to cease her involvement with this roommate of hers.
I don't know what originally damaged your marriage, you said you had a lot of other problems not related to poly, but I think you are coming to a point where it is apparent that you and your wife have some differences that are irreconcilable. She wants one thing; you want another. She will not cease her involvement with this roommate of hers. She refuses to do that. She wants to move back home with the roommate in tow as a new second partner. You absolutely don't want her to do that. In other words, things have arisen that the two of you absolutely disagree on. You have wants, and needs, that are incompatible. You want to work on the marriage, but there is no way you can do that with these obstacles in the way. You have come to an impasse. I'd say maybe the two of you should see a couple's counselor together, but how can you do that when you live two hours apart? and you can't live together because your wife wants the roommate to move in with you.
I see you also have a deadline looming over you, namely that by next year, you will be unable to afford separate domiciles. Does the roommate work, can they afford a place of their own? If they could, maybe they could move somewhere that is closer to you, but not in your house, and your wife could alternate which home she is staying at. If you could do that, then it might be possible for you and your wife to see a couple's counselor together. But it kind of sounds like the roommate can't work either, like you are the only person paying the way for all three of you. Am I hearing that right? If I am, then the three of you are really stuck. I take it you can't divorce your wife, because then she'd have no way to pay her own way, and I guess she'd end up homeless. I suppose you could use that for leverage, tell her that if she moves in with her roommate, that she will be on her own, and out of luck. You probably don't want to do that to her.
Maybe the thing to do is to find a counselor that is about halfway between your two domiciles, and just absorb the cost (time and money) it takes to see that counselor once a week. But you still have to figure out what to do about that deadline (where you have to move your wife back in with you come the start of the new year). You said your wife could work if she could get her immunodeficiency under control, but I guess you would have to pay for that? Can you pay for that? Is that something you can afford? As I turn over your various options, it looks like you're going to end up living with your wife and her roommate. She kind of has the power over you, to use your goodwill against you. You do not want to leave her out on the street, and she wants to live with her roommate. Can you let both of them move in, then see a counselor anyway? or does her involvement with the roommate make it so that your marriage is impossible to mend?
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like your marriage is on the rocks. You want your wife to stop seeing other people, in order to work on the marriage. Your wife, quite to the contrary, wants to move back home with her new partner (who is staying with her right now), something you are not okay with, and have never been okay with, but especially not now, when you have so many problems in the marriage that need to be worked on. Have I got that right so far? and you originally wanted her to forgo sex during this time of separation, but she refused to agree to that condition. So now she has gotten involved with someone new, much to your dismay, and wants to move them home with her, something you would never have wanted. Things are not going as you had hoped they would, not even close.
So now you are trying to decide what to do next, and maybe you are even hoping there is some way to convince your wife to cease her involvement with this roommate of hers.I don't know what originally damaged your marriage, you said you had a lot of other problems not related to poly, but I think you are coming to a point where it is apparent that you and your wife have some differences that are irreconcilable. She wants one thing; you want another. She will not cease her involvement with this roommate of hers. She refuses to do that. She wants to move back home with the roommate in tow as a new second partner. You absolutely don't want her to do that. In other words, things have arisen that the two of you absolutely disagree on. You have wants, and needs, that are incompatible. You want to work on the marriage, but there is no way you can do that with these obstacles in the way. You have come to an impasse. I'd say maybe the two of you should see a couple's counselor together, but how can you do that when you live two hours apart? and you can't live together because your wife wants the roommate to move in with you.
I see you also have a deadline looming over you, namely that by next year, you will be unable to afford separate domiciles. Does the roommate work, can they afford a place of their own? If they could, maybe they could move somewhere that is closer to you, but not in your house, and your wife could alternate which home she is staying at. If you could do that, then it might be possible for you and your wife to see a couple's counselor together. But it kind of sounds like the roommate can't work either, like you are the only person paying the way for all three of you. Am I hearing that right? If I am, then the three of you are really stuck. I take it you can't divorce your wife, because then she'd have no way to pay her own way, and I guess she'd end up homeless.
I suppose you could use that for leverage, tell her that if she moves in with her roommate, that she will be on her own, and out of luck. You probably don't want to do that to her.Maybe the thing to do is to find a counselor that is about halfway between your two domiciles, and just absorb the cost (time and money) it takes to see that counselor once a week. But you still have to figure out what to do about that deadline (where you have to move your wife back in with you come the start of the new year). You said your wife could work if she could get her immunodeficiency under control, but I guess you would have to pay for that? Can you pay for that? Is that something you can afford? As I turn over your various options, it looks like you're going to end up living with your wife and her roommate. She kind of has the power over you, to use your goodwill against you. You do not want to leave her out on the street, and she wants to live with her roommate. Can you let both of them move in, then see a counselor anyway? or does her involvement with the roommate make it so that your marriage is impossible to mend?
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
kdt26417 said:
I will respectfully disagree. BlueWoman does NOT have to do things Bluewoman does not want to do.
kdt26417 said:
Who is putting people on the street?
1) Wife can move home without the roomie. And the roomie can figure out their own finances by themselves or get a new roomie to split the bills. Which is what happens all the time anyway with roomies. And then wife doesn't have to worry "the roomie is alone." They got a new one.
2) Wife can keep on living with the roomie and figure out how to pay their bills on their own.
3) Bluewoman could take a roomie of their own choosing that is a NEUTRAL party. To help offset the bills at that home, so Bluewoman can keep helping pay the bills at wife's home. Then Bluewoman is still not living with any of wife's poly partners.
There could be other solutions to the housing situation. However that pans out?
I would encourage trying to find online marriage counseling. But before even that, Bluewoman could do their soul searching and decide if this is even worth it any more. Because budget is snug, there's a lot of problems, and wife doesn't sound like she's doing any marriage repair. So spending money on counseling may not be worthwhile on a snug budget.
If wife expects Blue to
a) ignore their own want to NOT live with any poly partners and let wife bring roomie with her so they both move in
and
b) Foot all the bills for these people when budget is snug and Blue is the only one with a job
because wife doesn't want Roomie to be "all alone?"
That's FRESH. And I think it is ok for Blue to say "no, thanks." And if wife is sad or disappointed or mad or whatever hearing that? Wife can be sad, disappointed, or mad, or whatever. And wife can do wife's emotional management.
You don't have to let this roomie poly partner move in with you and pay all the bills, Bluewoman, even if wife wants you to.
Galagirl
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More explaining
We are seeing a marriage counselor I just keep forgetting to add that -.- sorry guys. My wife is doing some of the marriage repair but I can recognize I want her to do more. Like I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share but I also know with her bipolar 1 and fibromiaglia (sp?) That is hard. She has decided on a inpatient care if that explains how bad her mental health is. The roommate does have a job but can only pay 700 which is not much in Maryland and certainly not enough for a place of their own again the problem. Wife does get disability about 500 to my 4800 a month. However we have rents and many loans that as stated before were are paycheck to paycheck. If she moves back home that's about 500 we can alot for but she needs medical marijuana(sp?) Which will no doubt take all of that. Not that I don't want her to have care I just have no more money to allot anywhere else.
As to the issue with room space our second bedroom is a crap room no pun intended it's storage. I would have to add on the bill of a external storage locker just to accomendate the roomie. For six months til we could move to a bigger place again cost is the problem or the excuse I'm using -.- but with the neutral party being added that's also not possible there's no room no where.
Her roommate also has their own mental health issues that I feel inpeed (sp?) My wife's mental health also not good. I do have insurance I'm in the military so that is no problem.
Now I need some other help my wife and I never set rules/boundaries for this type of relationship. She knew we should have and I never had a clue I digress. Our therapist said I need to come up with 5 to 10 but have no idea where to start other than safe sex and not telling me you had sex as my two. What rules do you guys suggest? I love her and she has told me she still is very much in love with me we can make this work it will take time tears and much understanding but we are willing to try I'm just floundering here not knowing how to assert my rules much less come up with them and appreciate all the advice I can get. We still have not hammered out the roomie living at my home. I suspect that I'll have an update for advice soon again about that.
We are seeing a marriage counselor I just keep forgetting to add that -.- sorry guys. My wife is doing some of the marriage repair but I can recognize I want her to do more. Like I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share but I also know with her bipolar 1 and fibromiaglia (sp?) That is hard. She has decided on a inpatient care if that explains how bad her mental health is. The roommate does have a job but can only pay 700 which is not much in Maryland and certainly not enough for a place of their own again the problem. Wife does get disability about 500 to my 4800 a month. However we have rents and many loans that as stated before were are paycheck to paycheck. If she moves back home that's about 500 we can alot for but she needs medical marijuana(sp?) Which will no doubt take all of that. Not that I don't want her to have care I just have no more money to allot anywhere else.
As to the issue with room space our second bedroom is a crap room no pun intended it's storage. I would have to add on the bill of a external storage locker just to accomendate the roomie. For six months til we could move to a bigger place again cost is the problem or the excuse I'm using -.- but with the neutral party being added that's also not possible there's no room no where.
Her roommate also has their own mental health issues that I feel inpeed (sp?) My wife's mental health also not good. I do have insurance I'm in the military so that is no problem.
Now I need some other help my wife and I never set rules/boundaries for this type of relationship. She knew we should have and I never had a clue I digress. Our therapist said I need to come up with 5 to 10 but have no idea where to start other than safe sex and not telling me you had sex as my two. What rules do you guys suggest? I love her and she has told me she still is very much in love with me we can make this work it will take time tears and much understanding but we are willing to try I'm just floundering here not knowing how to assert my rules much less come up with them and appreciate all the advice I can get. We still have not hammered out the roomie living at my home. I suspect that I'll have an update for advice soon again about that.
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Dagferi
Well-known member
I will tell you the boundaries I have with Butch
His home is his castle no other partners may stay the night.
No moving partners in
No diverting hard money (aka my portion of the household bills) to provide for another partner.
Do not neglect the kids household chores or household pets
Safer sex practices must be used
No relationship bleed over
No oversharing
His home is his castle no other partners may stay the night.
No moving partners in
No diverting hard money (aka my portion of the household bills) to provide for another partner.
Do not neglect the kids household chores or household pets
Safer sex practices must be used
No relationship bleed over
No oversharing
Thank you for more info.
That is a problem for roomie to solve. Not you. You have enough on your own plate already.
Sounds like you are at limit. Back in your home, you are paying off loans and things, and whatever is saved by having wife moving back home? That will go toward her medical marijuana.
You have no extra money to foot bills for another person. And there's no actual space for another person since the other room is storage room anyway.
If the roomie has their own mental health issues and your plate is already full with wife health things? Another limit reached. Too full over here already. So again...
Could tell wife "no, thanks" on this roomie coming home with her to live with you all. Maybe she's not hearing you with her illness, but you could leave it to therapist to work on that with her. Your job is to communicate clearly what you will and will not do.
How about not dating people you work with? Your parents? Cuz there's enough people in the world to poly date without going right for people that could make an already challenging life even more challenging.
Also maybe consider separate banking. One account for "house" and one that is "your personal" and one that is "her personal." She can spend her personal however she wants. But no spending "house" money on her poly dating. Because that money is for power bill, paying loans, etc.
And should things not work out as hoped, how to divide things and break up peacefully. Like hope for the best, but if worst happens? Going in prepared is better than not.
And what would be your deal breakers? Could list those.
Galagirl
That is a problem for roomie to solve. Not you. You have enough on your own plate already.
Sounds like you are at limit. Back in your home, you are paying off loans and things, and whatever is saved by having wife moving back home? That will go toward her medical marijuana.
You have no extra money to foot bills for another person. And there's no actual space for another person since the other room is storage room anyway.
If the roomie has their own mental health issues and your plate is already full with wife health things? Another limit reached. Too full over here already. So again...
Could tell wife "no, thanks" on this roomie coming home with her to live with you all. Maybe she's not hearing you with her illness, but you could leave it to therapist to work on that with her. Your job is to communicate clearly what you will and will not do.
How about not dating people you work with? Your parents? Cuz there's enough people in the world to poly date without going right for people that could make an already challenging life even more challenging.
Also maybe consider separate banking. One account for "house" and one that is "your personal" and one that is "her personal." She can spend her personal however she wants. But no spending "house" money on her poly dating. Because that money is for power bill, paying loans, etc.
And should things not work out as hoped, how to divide things and break up peacefully. Like hope for the best, but if worst happens? Going in prepared is better than not.
And what would be your deal breakers? Could list those.
Galagirl
Me again
So now I have a new problem. As I stated before my wife has mental health disorders and now physical disorders. She has had a break down. Her roommate seems to think that they can now tell me how to take care of and what treatments I should provide for my wife. Let me reiterate I have Tricare I pay for all care of my wife and feel that I don't need to be told by someone who isn't a health care professional how to take care of her. This person also has told me I'm unwelcome in the apartment even though I pay for half the rent since my wife can't work. They also don't want to leave us alone when that is the only time I get with my wife. I am at the point where is it wrong to ask my wife to stop this relationship? I feel it is tearing ours to pieces I'm not saying she needs to give up who she is if poly is who she is then that's that but if this relationship is toxic to her mental health my mental health and our relationship is that wrong to ask that? I also don't care for how this person treats me saying I'm self cold uncaring of my wife's needs when that is all I have done is provide anything I can to take care of her. I know this is alot please feel free to comment and ask questions as I'm to frazzled to write everything that happened here in one big paragraph
So now I have a new problem. As I stated before my wife has mental health disorders and now physical disorders. She has had a break down. Her roommate seems to think that they can now tell me how to take care of and what treatments I should provide for my wife. Let me reiterate I have Tricare I pay for all care of my wife and feel that I don't need to be told by someone who isn't a health care professional how to take care of her. This person also has told me I'm unwelcome in the apartment even though I pay for half the rent since my wife can't work. They also don't want to leave us alone when that is the only time I get with my wife. I am at the point where is it wrong to ask my wife to stop this relationship? I feel it is tearing ours to pieces I'm not saying she needs to give up who she is if poly is who she is then that's that but if this relationship is toxic to her mental health my mental health and our relationship is that wrong to ask that? I also don't care for how this person treats me saying I'm self cold uncaring of my wife's needs when that is all I have done is provide anything I can to take care of her. I know this is alot please feel free to comment and ask questions as I'm to frazzled to write everything that happened here in one big paragraph
I'm sorry that's happening and that you feel frazzled. I hope you feel better for airing out. I hope wife is in good care at hospital/at home/wherever she is after her breakdown.
These are still the goals, right?
Everyone is different. You have to decide what YOU want to do. Me in these shoes?
I would do nothing. I would distance myself from roomie and let all those problems be wife problems. Cuz I'm not dating roomie.
I know wife just got sick, and I care for her. But she has to figure out how she wants to deal with this health breakdown. If it is so bad she cannot make decisions? As spouse if I'm the one with health power of attorney? Then I just make them. Roomie has no standing. They don't like it? Take it up with their partner (my wife) when she is well again. She did not plan ahead for them to be included. That's between them. I just deal with what's in front of me.
I would have already told wife these things
If she wants to keep this flat with this roomie? That's all on them. I'm getting out of that picture. Rent stops on X date. Y'all figure that home out yourselves. It's not my home. Solved it for ME.
So all the rest become non-issues. Annoying for now, but they are on the way to solving themselves since I'm taking steps to get this roomie further away from me already. All I have to do wait for the date to arrive and stop paying rent/reduce her allowance.
I don't know how you actually pay it and you don't have to say. But it may be best to just put money in your wife's bank and let her deal with her own money problems like rent. Then YOU aren't paying her rent. You are paying you wife's allowance as your dependent during a trial separation. What she does with it from there is her problem. You are meeting the agreement that wife is trying to become more independent and that means managing her own money.
I would say "Thank you for your input. I will leave wife to pick her health care choices herself. I'll follow's wife's health care plan."
That gets the roomie out of my face. And guess what? As the legal spouse, I would get all the "standing" in hospital and other situations as my wife's automatic next of kin unless she made other arrangements. So it's easy for me to go "Thank you for your input. I will go what wife picks for her health choices."
Thanking someone for their input doesn't mean I am going to TAKE it. Just means my ears are operational. And then I will just do what my wife planned for her health or do what I think is best if wife made no plan. What more could be expected of me? Sheesh.
Is your name on that lease? Yes? Then do what you want. Including getting your name off the lease.
Not on the lease? It's just wife and roomie? Then that is NOT your home. If the roomie asked you to stay away from their home? Say "Ok, I'll respect that." Then stay away.
I would say "Wife, your roomie asked me to keep away from their home. I'm honoring that."
I'd see my wife outside the home. Which also solves the "roomie won't leave us alone when we are at this flat."
Is ill wife recovering in hospital or in her apartment while recovering from the breakdown? If it was me? I would ask wife where she wants to recover.
1) At hospital? Fine. Not ICU or something? Then I'll work out a visit schedule with roomie so we are not there at the same time. She gets more people visiting, I don't have to look at this roomie, roomie gets to see their partner.
2) If at her flat, ok. I would tell her roomie asked me not to come around. I will send the rent money until X date as promised. I can visit her over Skype. We can see each other in person when she can, but elsewhere. Roomie wants to be her partner and doesn't want me there? Ok. Roomie can field her physical care in recovery at the flat then. Cuz I'm already footing bills and doing mental and emotional labor here AND going to work.
3) If she wants to recover at home? Ok. Move home earlier. I can stop paying the rent sooner over there including any "breaking a lease early" fees. So the money can then go to a caregiver to help with physical needs here at home. She can see Roomie out when she is able and visit over Skype. Roomie can deal with the flat.
4) Something else? Great. Tell me what you picked.
Be more matter-of-fact about her choices and let her make them. Then let natural consequences follow.
Honestly? Once you stop paying rent over there? I think it's gonna fizzle on its own. Wife has no money. Neither does roomie. And if roomie DID have the money? Great. You stop paying wife's rent because you pay her other stuff. Roomie can carry her over there at that home and you carry her over here at this home. Less work on you all around.
I think part of what frustrates you is that you may be overextended. So do LESS. Stop carrying wife so much. If she's hell bent on dating this roomie? Go for more "separate V" AND more separate finances.
And wife can figure out how to date them on her own. Be ok with wife making her choices and don't bail her out if they are poor choices. It's one thing to give your wife her personal spending money. What she does with it? By 10,000 shoes? Pay rent on a flat with the roomie? Go to Hawaii? Doesn't matter. YOU are not buying her shoes, rent or hawaii. You are giving wife her personal spending money at her bank and the power to spend it however SHE picks. You are treating her like an adult who wants to be more independent. She's still your financial dependent since she doesn't work, but you are trying to meet the separation goal of her being more independent.
Stop focussing so much on this roomie. Focus on your marriage.
If you have given reasonably enough she messes up her money? Wife can learn to budget and/or go figure out a job or hang on til next payday. Which is what any other adult has to do.
If she picks out weirdos to date? You keep away. Cuz YOU didn't pick these people out to date.
Go date them over there at their house. I'm not the one dating them.
I encourage you to set stronger personal boundaries with both wife and roomie and just step away from all this roomie drama at minimum. Let natural consequences ensue.
So stop talking to them. You aren't dating them. If wife is in the NRE lalas with rose colored glasses? Just let them fade on their own.
Wife going on and on and on about roomie said this and roomie said that? Tell her to stop that behavior. Does it even after you tell her to stop telling you so much? That's not you having a problem with the roomie. That's you having a problem with your WIFE not respecting your limits. That is not her working on marriage repair.
Let me ask you something. What is "this relationship" in this sentence? Do you mean the relationship of (her + roomie) is toxic ? Or do you mean the relationship of (you + her) is toxic now?
It's not wrong to ask things. You are not a mind reader. How else would you find out? You can ask her what her intentions are with this roomie. Is this a short term thing or a long term thing or ending soon or what? Be prepared to hear her answer.
Then you get to choose what to do from there.
Including saying "Ok. You are keeping on with them. They asked me to stop coming to the flat. I'll respect that. I want to focus on marriage repair, not roomie stuff. So I only see you over here. Or I meet up with you at a public location over there. I'm not coming over to the flat there. " And you stick to your personal boundary so you deal in less roomie drama and your frazzled feelings can calm.
What's she gonna do? Be mad that you respected the roomie's wishes?
Or you choose "Ok, then we have to talk about you and me breaking up then" if Wife too has become toxic to you. Not just the roomie being toxic for you, but SHE has become toxic for you as well. And you need to reduce exposure to BOTH of them in order for your frazzled to calm.
Galagirl
These are still the goals, right?
Everyone is different. You have to decide what YOU want to do. Me in these shoes?
I would do nothing. I would distance myself from roomie and let all those problems be wife problems. Cuz I'm not dating roomie.
I know wife just got sick, and I care for her. But she has to figure out how she wants to deal with this health breakdown. If it is so bad she cannot make decisions? As spouse if I'm the one with health power of attorney? Then I just make them. Roomie has no standing. They don't like it? Take it up with their partner (my wife) when she is well again. She did not plan ahead for them to be included. That's between them. I just deal with what's in front of me.
I would have already told wife these things
- I stop paying partial rent on that other flat on X date. We are on a budget. We cannot afford another flat with all these other bills. Trial separation ends then, and you have to make some choices.
- You can move back home any time, but I will not live with other poly partners. I'd rather be alone, or just you.
If she wants to keep this flat with this roomie? That's all on them. I'm getting out of that picture. Rent stops on X date. Y'all figure that home out yourselves. It's not my home. Solved it for ME.
So all the rest become non-issues. Annoying for now, but they are on the way to solving themselves since I'm taking steps to get this roomie further away from me already. All I have to do wait for the date to arrive and stop paying rent/reduce her allowance.
I don't know how you actually pay it and you don't have to say. But it may be best to just put money in your wife's bank and let her deal with her own money problems like rent. Then YOU aren't paying her rent. You are paying you wife's allowance as your dependent during a trial separation. What she does with it from there is her problem. You are meeting the agreement that wife is trying to become more independent and that means managing her own money.
I would say "Thank you for your input. I will leave wife to pick her health care choices herself. I'll follow's wife's health care plan."
That gets the roomie out of my face. And guess what? As the legal spouse, I would get all the "standing" in hospital and other situations as my wife's automatic next of kin unless she made other arrangements. So it's easy for me to go "Thank you for your input. I will go what wife picks for her health choices."
Thanking someone for their input doesn't mean I am going to TAKE it. Just means my ears are operational. And then I will just do what my wife planned for her health or do what I think is best if wife made no plan. What more could be expected of me? Sheesh.
Is your name on that lease? Yes? Then do what you want. Including getting your name off the lease.
Not on the lease? It's just wife and roomie? Then that is NOT your home. If the roomie asked you to stay away from their home? Say "Ok, I'll respect that." Then stay away.
I would say "Wife, your roomie asked me to keep away from their home. I'm honoring that."
I'd see my wife outside the home. Which also solves the "roomie won't leave us alone when we are at this flat."
Is ill wife recovering in hospital or in her apartment while recovering from the breakdown? If it was me? I would ask wife where she wants to recover.
1) At hospital? Fine. Not ICU or something? Then I'll work out a visit schedule with roomie so we are not there at the same time. She gets more people visiting, I don't have to look at this roomie, roomie gets to see their partner.
2) If at her flat, ok. I would tell her roomie asked me not to come around. I will send the rent money until X date as promised. I can visit her over Skype. We can see each other in person when she can, but elsewhere. Roomie wants to be her partner and doesn't want me there? Ok. Roomie can field her physical care in recovery at the flat then. Cuz I'm already footing bills and doing mental and emotional labor here AND going to work.
3) If she wants to recover at home? Ok. Move home earlier. I can stop paying the rent sooner over there including any "breaking a lease early" fees. So the money can then go to a caregiver to help with physical needs here at home. She can see Roomie out when she is able and visit over Skype. Roomie can deal with the flat.
4) Something else? Great. Tell me what you picked.
Be more matter-of-fact about her choices and let her make them. Then let natural consequences follow.
Honestly? Once you stop paying rent over there? I think it's gonna fizzle on its own. Wife has no money. Neither does roomie. And if roomie DID have the money? Great. You stop paying wife's rent because you pay her other stuff. Roomie can carry her over there at that home and you carry her over here at this home. Less work on you all around.
I think part of what frustrates you is that you may be overextended. So do LESS. Stop carrying wife so much. If she's hell bent on dating this roomie? Go for more "separate V" AND more separate finances.
And wife can figure out how to date them on her own. Be ok with wife making her choices and don't bail her out if they are poor choices. It's one thing to give your wife her personal spending money. What she does with it? By 10,000 shoes? Pay rent on a flat with the roomie? Go to Hawaii? Doesn't matter. YOU are not buying her shoes, rent or hawaii. You are giving wife her personal spending money at her bank and the power to spend it however SHE picks. You are treating her like an adult who wants to be more independent. She's still your financial dependent since she doesn't work, but you are trying to meet the separation goal of her being more independent.
Stop focussing so much on this roomie. Focus on your marriage.
If you have given reasonably enough she messes up her money? Wife can learn to budget and/or go figure out a job or hang on til next payday. Which is what any other adult has to do.
If she picks out weirdos to date? You keep away. Cuz YOU didn't pick these people out to date.
Go date them over there at their house. I'm not the one dating them.
I encourage you to set stronger personal boundaries with both wife and roomie and just step away from all this roomie drama at minimum. Let natural consequences ensue.
So stop talking to them. You aren't dating them. If wife is in the NRE lalas with rose colored glasses? Just let them fade on their own.
Wife going on and on and on about roomie said this and roomie said that? Tell her to stop that behavior. Does it even after you tell her to stop telling you so much? That's not you having a problem with the roomie. That's you having a problem with your WIFE not respecting your limits. That is not her working on marriage repair.
Let me ask you something. What is "this relationship" in this sentence? Do you mean the relationship of (her + roomie) is toxic ? Or do you mean the relationship of (you + her) is toxic now?
It's not wrong to ask things. You are not a mind reader. How else would you find out? You can ask her what her intentions are with this roomie. Is this a short term thing or a long term thing or ending soon or what? Be prepared to hear her answer.
Then you get to choose what to do from there.
Including saying "Ok. You are keeping on with them. They asked me to stop coming to the flat. I'll respect that. I want to focus on marriage repair, not roomie stuff. So I only see you over here. Or I meet up with you at a public location over there. I'm not coming over to the flat there. " And you stick to your personal boundary so you deal in less roomie drama and your frazzled feelings can calm.
What's she gonna do? Be mad that you respected the roomie's wishes?
Or you choose "Ok, then we have to talk about you and me breaking up then" if Wife too has become toxic to you. Not just the roomie being toxic for you, but SHE has become toxic for you as well. And you need to reduce exposure to BOTH of them in order for your frazzled to calm.
Galagirl
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vinsanity0
Active member
Instead of jumping right to demanding they break up, try talking to your wife. You have a list of things that are troubling you so discuss them. Try discussing them in a nonconfrontational manner.
I've seen many people come through here claiming they are okay with their partner being poly, but if they would only get rid of their one partner...I think you should face the fact you are not 100% on board. This is something you still need to work through.
It might help if you give these people names. Calling her your wife is very possessive. She's not "yours", she is her own person. Likewise, being in control of the money does not make you in control of her or her situation.
Same with the "roommate". They are more than that. That's her other partner. Your meta.
Why are you talking with meta so much? Is it to coordinate care of the person you both love so much? If so, that's great. I'm sure she could use the loving support of two adults in her time of need. If the two of you can't get along? Maybe not talk to each other. I'm sure fighting does nothing for wife's mental health.
Keep in mind that polyamory means "many loves". That means your partner will have other people who love and care about them. I understand it takes time to get comfortable with that.
I've seen many people come through here claiming they are okay with their partner being poly, but if they would only get rid of their one partner...I think you should face the fact you are not 100% on board. This is something you still need to work through.
It might help if you give these people names. Calling her your wife is very possessive. She's not "yours", she is her own person. Likewise, being in control of the money does not make you in control of her or her situation.
Same with the "roommate". They are more than that. That's her other partner. Your meta.
Why are you talking with meta so much? Is it to coordinate care of the person you both love so much? If so, that's great. I'm sure she could use the loving support of two adults in her time of need. If the two of you can't get along? Maybe not talk to each other. I'm sure fighting does nothing for wife's mental health.
Keep in mind that polyamory means "many loves". That means your partner will have other people who love and care about them. I understand it takes time to get comfortable with that.
Hi Blue,
It sounds like your wife's roommate is a toxic person; she is toxic to your wife; she is toxic to you. I do not think it is wrong to ask your wife to stop that relationship. You could even tell your wife that you are not giving her a choice. That you insist. Stop that relationship. Maybe your wife needs to hear it worded strongly like that, in order to feel sufficiently motivated to stop that relationship. And maybe it is time to tell the roommate, that, "I pay wife's half of the rent on that apartment, so if I want to come over, I am bloody well going to do it. You can go elsewhere when I am there if that's what you want." And maybe it is time to tell the roommate, that, "I pay for all of wife's physical and mental health care, so if I want to do this or that health plan for her, I am bloody well going to do it. You can pay for her health care if that's what you want." I mean you have been trying the soft approach, and so far it hasn't worked. Maybe it's time to get tough with them?
You could definitely tell your wife that on a certain date, say the beginning of next year, you are going to stop paying for her half of the rent on the apartment. Then she would have to move back in with you, and she would not be able to bring the roommate with you, because you don't have a room where the roommate could stay (and you don't have the money for a storage locker). The only drawback would be, what if your wife chose not to move back in with you, and ended up homeless? That would be bad for her, and I know you want to do whatever's best for her. That's why I say, this relationship with her roommate is clearly bad for her, and that's why you would be justified in asking (or telling) her to stop that relationship. Sometimes you have to do what's best for the other person, even if it isn't something they want to do. But I don't know how stubborn your wife would be about continuing the relationship with the roommate. She might continue it even if you insist that she stop it.
These are just my opinions, of course.
With regards,
Kevin T.
It sounds like your wife's roommate is a toxic person; she is toxic to your wife; she is toxic to you. I do not think it is wrong to ask your wife to stop that relationship. You could even tell your wife that you are not giving her a choice. That you insist. Stop that relationship. Maybe your wife needs to hear it worded strongly like that, in order to feel sufficiently motivated to stop that relationship. And maybe it is time to tell the roommate, that, "I pay wife's half of the rent on that apartment, so if I want to come over, I am bloody well going to do it. You can go elsewhere when I am there if that's what you want." And maybe it is time to tell the roommate, that, "I pay for all of wife's physical and mental health care, so if I want to do this or that health plan for her, I am bloody well going to do it. You can pay for her health care if that's what you want." I mean you have been trying the soft approach, and so far it hasn't worked. Maybe it's time to get tough with them?
You could definitely tell your wife that on a certain date, say the beginning of next year, you are going to stop paying for her half of the rent on the apartment. Then she would have to move back in with you, and she would not be able to bring the roommate with you, because you don't have a room where the roommate could stay (and you don't have the money for a storage locker). The only drawback would be, what if your wife chose not to move back in with you, and ended up homeless? That would be bad for her, and I know you want to do whatever's best for her. That's why I say, this relationship with her roommate is clearly bad for her, and that's why you would be justified in asking (or telling) her to stop that relationship. Sometimes you have to do what's best for the other person, even if it isn't something they want to do. But I don't know how stubborn your wife would be about continuing the relationship with the roommate. She might continue it even if you insist that she stop it.
These are just my opinions, of course.
With regards,
Kevin T.
Hi again
So I have told her that I will not an cannot have the roomie living with us and she is working on helping them find a place where they are living now. For the seperated money issue there is no more money what fun money we alot is about 200 dollars half for fun half for dates. There is no money for me to give her for her to spend it how she pleases this is apart of our financial situation. Another part while I don't live there I expect to be treated with respect not baited by the roommate into an argument that I'll later be blamed for by my wife. My wife has now decided she has two options for after the new year either coming with me or her mother. I don't know if she plans to stay in touch with the roommate though inside I'm happy that this toxic person won't be in her life she doesn't have a support system here in Maryland as I'm military and move alot. How do I find her resources to help her I feel she would benefit from making friends who are poly and so would I be cause I can then ask many more questions. Not that this is not great because you guys are awesome. I don't feel that might wife researched how this orientation works that sounds awful sorry word vomit but I just feel we would both be better off with and person who could really walk us through all of this.
So I have told her that I will not an cannot have the roomie living with us and she is working on helping them find a place where they are living now. For the seperated money issue there is no more money what fun money we alot is about 200 dollars half for fun half for dates. There is no money for me to give her for her to spend it how she pleases this is apart of our financial situation. Another part while I don't live there I expect to be treated with respect not baited by the roommate into an argument that I'll later be blamed for by my wife. My wife has now decided she has two options for after the new year either coming with me or her mother. I don't know if she plans to stay in touch with the roommate though inside I'm happy that this toxic person won't be in her life she doesn't have a support system here in Maryland as I'm military and move alot. How do I find her resources to help her I feel she would benefit from making friends who are poly and so would I be cause I can then ask many more questions. Not that this is not great because you guys are awesome. I don't feel that might wife researched how this orientation works that sounds awful sorry word vomit but I just feel we would both be better off with and person who could really walk us through all of this.
fuchka
Active member
Bluewoman, you mention "word vomit" in your previous post, and in another post you said something about things being too much to write in one big paragraph.
I wonder if it would help you to break up your thoughts into more paragraphs. It makes it easier to read, for us, but I'm thinking more about you. What would it feel like to stop at the end of some sentences, where you use a period/full stop? Take a breath. New paragraph.
It strikes me that the way you write could reflect the way you feel about the situation. It's all jumbled up together and overwhelms you.
Writing things out can help vent emotions. It can also help to give some structure to your thoughts and feelings.
This is a general suggestion rather than responding to your situation in particular with your wife and her partner. But I thought it might help you, so I mentioned it.
Good luck with navigating this difficult dynamic of being your wife's carer (in a way, it seems?) plus supporting her exploration of poly plus learning about it yourself and discovering your own willingness and boundaries. I'd say keep focused on yourself (what you need, and how to achieve that) rather than how to help your wife access a poly community etc. You do your bit, leave her bit to her. A bit more independence - one of the goals of your trial separation.
I wonder if it would help you to break up your thoughts into more paragraphs. It makes it easier to read, for us, but I'm thinking more about you. What would it feel like to stop at the end of some sentences, where you use a period/full stop? Take a breath. New paragraph.
It strikes me that the way you write could reflect the way you feel about the situation. It's all jumbled up together and overwhelms you.
Writing things out can help vent emotions. It can also help to give some structure to your thoughts and feelings.
This is a general suggestion rather than responding to your situation in particular with your wife and her partner. But I thought it might help you, so I mentioned it.
Good luck with navigating this difficult dynamic of being your wife's carer (in a way, it seems?) plus supporting her exploration of poly plus learning about it yourself and discovering your own willingness and boundaries. I'd say keep focused on yourself (what you need, and how to achieve that) rather than how to help your wife access a poly community etc. You do your bit, leave her bit to her. A bit more independence - one of the goals of your trial separation.
Good. Plainer talk with wife.
Not your problem. That's their problem. So I grey it out.
And the firmer and clearer you are with her about that, the better. There is no extra money here. Whatever $200 you and her get for fun/dates? That's it.
How roomie treats you is their behavior. It is not something you can control. You cannot DEMAND to be treated well.
You can control your own behavior. Roomie acts like a jerk around you? Bow out and keep away. Problem solved enough on your end. Roomie can't be a jerk toward you if you simply are not there.
Wife has a problem with roomie acting like a jerk toward people? That's her problem to take up with roomie. You are out of that picture. Less stress on you.
EVEN WHEN YOU ARE NOT THERE... Wife blame storms at you? Blames you for everything or things you did not do?
You could say "No, thank you. I will not discuss things with you while you are all whirlwind and blame stormy. See me when you are calmer. We can talk then." Then bow out and let her cool off. Have stronger personal boundaries with wife.
You aren't going to behave like a jerk to her or roomie, but neither are you gonna be a doormat. Right?
Fair enough. Her choice.
That front part is not your concern nor your problem so I grey it out.
Wife creating a support system for herself for when you are deployed? That's her job to do. I color it blue.
(Understandable for you to feel glad at the thought this person may fade out of her life. To me it sounds like it's on the clock as it is. So pay less attention to the roomie drama. People might try to bring drama to your door. Doesn't mean you open the door and let it in, right? )
I took the liberty adding of punctation so I can read that better.
If the goal is letting her become more independent during trial separation? Let her find her own poly friends. She does her own leg work.
You do your leg work. You find and build your own poly friend network for your OWN support if you think you could benefit from that.
Well, if didn't? Could let natural consequences ensue. She will either learn or not from these experiences.
There are poly counselors out there. If you think YOU would benefit from a professional's extra support? You could check if they do telehealth appointments given that you are military and may be deployed sometimes. Then YOU get extra support. Arrange it for yourself.
Whether or not wife chooses do to individual counseling for herself? She can arrange her things.
If you want to ask if she is up couple counseling with you? Ask.
That doesn't stop YOU from choosing to seek out new friends and professional support if you need it for just you though.
If this trial separation is supposed to be a time to work on the marriage? And part of having a healthier marriage is detangling and not being enmeshed? Work your side of it.
Leave wife to do her fair share in her side
At the end of this process and end of the trial separation? You will come to find out if she's doing her fair share or not and whether or not you want to keep going with the marriage or prefer to disband.
I'm not saying that to be mean to you, ok?
I just mean take it one day at a time. One step at a time. One thing at a time,m but only those that are actually your stuff. Other people stuff that is not actually your job in the first place? Stop dealing in those. Do LESS.
Stop dealing with the drama roomie. You aren't dating them.
Stop dealing with so much of wife's stuff. Give her space to figure out her own independent self. That was listed a one of the goals of trial separation. So let her own and do her own jobs. And let her also own the natural consequences if she blows them off.
You do your jobs or not. You cannot be doing your jobs AND everyone else's jobs on top. You will burn out if you keep doing that and you sound pretty stressed as it is.
Galagirl
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Hi Blue,
It sounds like you and your wife need a poly group that is local to you. Or a poly counselor. Or both. To find a poly group local to you, google "Maryland polyamory." To find a poly counselor, google "polyamorous counselors." Also you can try the following links.
Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It sounds like you and your wife need a poly group that is local to you. Or a poly counselor. Or both. To find a poly group local to you, google "Maryland polyamory." To find a poly counselor, google "polyamorous counselors." Also you can try the following links.
- http://openingup.net/open-list/
- http://polyfriendly.org/index.php
- http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=333927
- http://www.lovemore.com/whydonate/polyamory-professionals/
- http://therapists.psychologytoday.c...edium=link&utm_campaign=topnav_find_therapist
- https://fetlife.com/
- http://www.facebook.com/
- http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html
- https://www.meetup.com/topics/polyamory/
- http://polyevents.blogspot.com/#localgroups
- http://openingup.net/resources/local-orginizations-u-s/
- Lists of local poly groups
Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.