Wife said I could explore - many many questions

C

CadburyUK

New member
Hi! So I've been with my wife for 7 years, married for 2. Still very much in love and happy but we're not without issues, them mainly stemming from sex. We're mono.

Our sex life has not been great for a few years. We have it regularly but I can tell it's a big task for her. She has some issues with depression and the like and her sex drive has just fallen by the wayside, which I can completely understand. We can't remember the last time she orgasmed and we've basically come to terms with the fact that she's just lost all sense of sexuality and libido. My confidence is at an all time low, you can see where I'm going with this.

So very recently she told me she basically needs to concentrate on herself and other endeavours and doesn't want to have to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with me as it's essentially breaking her. She said it's not me, it's any and all physical contact with anyone. Her dream man could sweep her off her feet and she'd still not want it.

She said she wants me to pursue other women. Go have sexual experiences, sow some oats, make some female connections, etc. This is very much her idea and sounds like what she wants. I was initially taken aback but then got quite giddy, how exciting to go dating again. We discussed a few rules but nothing major and that was that.

So my first move was to sign up for the modern dating apps, bear in mind I've been out the game for 7 years. This was a bad idea, my profile said I was married as I wanted to be upfront and I've had no luck. What single women want to hang with the married dude? It's also caused me some anxiety in a weird sort of "what if my friends or colleagues see, I'd have a lot of explaining to do!". So I deleted them.

Then I had a thought. The chance of me finding someone single who could be a married man's FWB essentially is just really slim, at least on all the swiping dating apps. So I probably need to go to the right place. So I guess what I'm asking is, where can I go to even begin to look for these types of people (I live in the UK)?

I guess I should also state what I'm after. Obviously the end game is sexual experiences but I'd like to hangout with that person, watch movies and whatever else. Essentially FWB and they understand my wife is my first priority and I will drop everything for her. I'd have to get on with these people as one night stands, sex with strangers does nothing for me, if anything it wigs me out a little.

So yeah. My overall emotions at this time are half excitement, half terrified/anxious at the prospect of the whole thing but ultimately I'm a little wigged out but I would like a sex life and new sexual experiences.

Any and all advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

P.S I think it's worth mentioning I do not roam in poly circles or anything of the sort. All my interests are quite sporty and male centric so I don't meet a lot, if any, women out and about so online dating it is.
 
What dating apps did you try? OKCupid tends to be poly-friendly (that's where I met my boyfriend). FetLife isn't a dating site, but it's a way to connect with people in your area who share your interests. Polyamory isn't a kink, per se, but there are polyamory groups on FetLife. It's set up a bit like Facebook, and you can search for events in your area where you might be able to meet people.
 
KC43 said:
What dating apps did you try? OKCupid tends to be poly-friendly (that's where I met my boyfriend). FetLife isn't a dating site, but it's a way to connect with people in your area who share your interests. Polyamory isn't a kink, per se, but there are polyamory groups on FetLife. It's set up a bit like Facebook, and you can search for events in your area where you might be able to meet people.
Click to expand...

Tried the usual, Tinder, Bumble, some other one I didn't even really bother with. Guess I can give OkCupid a go and just explain what it is I'm looking for?
 
Your pool of partners is going to be teeny tiny.

You are basically telling other women you are second clasd to my wife. Not too many women are going to sign up for such treatment.

Also you do not fix a broken relationship by adding more partners. Polyamory is like throwing a flashlight in a broken vase in a dark room. You are going to see every crack and flaw in your marriage that you didn't notice before and you wont be able to unsee it.
 
I mean all this kindly ok? :eek:

I think you could slow it way down and do some deep thinking first.

Our sex life has not been great for a few years. We have it regularly but I can tell it's a big task for her. She has some issues with depression and the like and her sex drive has just fallen by the wayside, which I can completely understand. We can't remember the last time she orgasmed and we've basically come to terms with the fact that she's just lost all sense of sexuality and libido. My confidence is at an all time low, you can see where I'm going with this.
Click to expand...

That's unfortunate and I'm sorry you guys are experiencing this.

I have questions though. Could you be willing to clarify?

  • What's her management plan for the depression? Is she getting doctor's care?

  • What would you say the quality of your marriage is? I get the impression that it is poor and that neither partner is doing so hot here.

  • She's all depressed and from the sound of it so are you. Is this situational depression? Is it that marriage is not all it was cracked up to be now that you have clocked 2 years?

  • Does situation need to change for you to feel better? HOW will it change? Wife suggested Open. Would parting ways solve things better than poly? Has that been discussed as an option? That too would give her time to focus on herself and her other endeavors and not deal with marital stuff.

Poly is not a bandaid for a "dying on the vine" or "already dead, just going through the motions" marriage. If you have a dying/dead marriage on your hands, I suggest you disband the old relationship respectfully before moving on to trying new relationships.

Poly is also not the crutch to enable people to limp along with a damaged or weak marriage. If you have a weak one? Spend time repairing/strengthening what needs fixing if you plan to remain married through Opening.

Don't jump the gun into dating right off the bat.

So very recently she told me she basically needs to concentrate on herself and other endeavours and doesn't want to have to maintain a healthy sexual relationship with me as it's essentially breaking her.
Click to expand...

What kind of marriage relationship she planning on maintaining with you now? Apart from the sex part of it? Because that almost sounds like she wants to bow out of the marriage but doesn't want to divorce just yet. Before you start poly dating... you might want to check on that.

  • Is this suggestion to Open a gambit to be able to hook you up with someone else so she can then leave/divorce with less guilt? Like a soft exit?

  • Or a way to continue to enjoy domestic partner benefits without having to do the work of marriage because she's "outsourced" all that elsewhere on to the new dating partner?

  • Or is it a way to get leverage for something else?

Poly has a way of magnifying all the cracks. It's best coming out of strong foundations. Would you say this marriage has strong foundations?

Obviously the end game is sexual experiences but I'd like to hangout with that person, watch movies and whatever else. Essentially FWB and they understand my wife is my first priority and I will drop everything for her.
Click to expand...

I wonder why your wife your first priority rather than your second. I would have thought (you and your well being) are your first priority. I don't mean "memememe" selfishness. But you are the person responsible for your health and well being. You take care of you so you don't spread yourself too thin, overextend yourself, damage yourself, etc.

You can love someone a whole lot. Even up to 49% of your love. But the remaining 51% you save for you. So your soft feelings for the person don't lead to self damaging choices. You can say "No. I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

This article is not definitive by any means, but helpful when having conversations. You sound like you want something like a 1C.

You seem to see the "pros." How do you plan to deal with the "cons" of such a model? Have you thought that far ahead?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
What help is your wife getting with depression? How is your relationship otherwise? How are her relationships with other people? Is she engaged and involved and affectionate? Does she appreciate non-sexual affectionate touch from you? Or is she distant and wants to be left alone? Is she interested in a relationship with you and lost down the rabbithole of depression or is she withdrawing from your marriage emotionally and sending you off elsewhere as well but relatively fine with others?

To me this sounds like a situation where she could do with support for depression and you both could do with support for the marriage.

If she is depressed, she could be suggesting it because of low self-esteem, but your acting on it could confirm her fears.

If she is withdrawing from your marriage, you finding another relationship will likely have you both drifting apart.

It is also possible that she simply has a low sex drive and enjoys normalcy and affection with you but would prefer that you get sex from elsewhere - this may still hold complications that should be discussed. What happens if you really like someone? What happens if you don't find anyone? Everything in between and its impact on your marriage?

Big decisions without clarity are risky. If poly is right for you, you will still be able to pursue after there is clarity about the situation between you and your wife.
 
Last edited:
Hi CadburyUK,

As far as poly dating goes, OKCupid is probably your best bet. But you'll still have to be indefatigable. The woman you're looking for will be hard to find.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Try dating older women. Women who are done having kids, are financially OK, self aware, independent... often poly women are older but still very sexual and full of life, and attractive too.

You don't need to seek someone "single" and just your age who would date a "married man." Maybe you could find a poly woman who wants a secondary, just like you do.

I'm on OK Cupid and I am over 55 and I get lots and lots of messages from men, my age or much younger. I've dated men from 21 to 70.

I wish your wife well with getting her depression treated.
 
Last edited:
Mags nailed it. Single women or unhappy married women may want things in life that you can't give to them. Mags' suggested pool of partners offers your unique situation a pool of women who are least likely to destabilise things for you and your wife. Unfortunately for you, I hear that some experienced polyamorists may avoid married couples opening to poly for the first time due to previous poor experiences - essentially, some experienced polyamorists don't like to be 'the experiment' for a previously monogamous couple.
 
That was my question as well. Why the hack would you search for single women if you want a very secondary-type fwb relationship? Seek sexually open women no matter the number of their partners.

If you're into it, you could try a science-fiction convention ;) At least in my country, open people are often easy to spot there.
 
OKCupid is a good site for poly dating, in my experience. I also recommend FetLife - it is not a dating site but you could find some local munches to attend, and then might meet some new partners through that.

I am also confused as to why you think single women would be the best for you - more than likely they are going to want a primary, and you aren't willing to consider that. A married poly woman is probably what you should be searching for, in my opinion.
 
Actually DATE, without going all relationship escalator just to latch quickly onto My One Other True Only Love Or Good Enough For Now. ;)

Don't become desperate, or you will only attract those who are equally desperate, or user/controllers.

Hang out. Go places. Talk -- a lot. Get to know each other without trying for a goal. Take weeks at it, & preferably months. Make friends. Accept that most of the women you meet WILL NOT be long-term compatible.

If you find yourself with an opportunity for sex, then accept this as a friendly gesture, NOT as some sort of proof of Seriousness, much less as an obligation that one or both of you must then "pay back" somehow. :eek: And you DON'T have to pursue every possible opportunity for sex anyway.
 
Bluebird said:
A married poly woman is probably what you should be searching for, in my opinion.
Click to expand...

She doesn't have to be married! I was married once, never again. She could be divorced, or widowed, or never married, or she could have a boyfriend or two, or be bi or pansexual and have a girlfriend or two. She could be currently partnerless, but quite busy with friends and/or career, hobbies, school, travel, family, eldercare, etc., and just want a nice boyfriend for when she has time every couple weeks or so.

In other words, she might have a life and just want male companionship for shits and giggles, good conversation, a nice date, cuddles, and sex every now and then.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top