Wife said she's poly, she's okay with me being poly, but I feel like I'd be cheating

[Oathkeeper]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. She recently came out as polyamorous, within the last 2 years. At first I told her I was monogamous, and we both agreed to respect that, no problems.

After some time, I've done self reflection, and I like the idea of dedicated poly relationships. I think it can be very sweet and wholesome. And when I think about it, I'm okay with me having another partner, but when I think about my wife having another another partner, I feel uncomfortable. It's not that I'm being possessive, but I think I'm insecure? Like, if I know she's with someone else, it's like confirming my feelings that she does want to be with someone else, or would be happier with someone else than me. Which I know is a me problem, but I have another hesitation.

I grew up VERY Christian, no longer anymore, but a lot of purity culture stuck with me. (My wife is my only partner I've ever had.) I was also brought up that you have the ultimate love and dedication to someone, if they are your ONLY one, that it's special, that no one else can have what they have.

That said, I think I do love another person. I'm just starting to be honest with myself that I'm, well, lying to myself, and I'm scared to admit I love him in a romantic way.

If I love another the same way, I feel like I'd be low-key saying my wife isn't my everything, and that makes me feel sad. I LOVE my wife and don't want to ever hurt her or leave her, but I can't deny I have feelings for my friend, either.

What makes it difficult, is my wife told me many times she would be totally okay if my friend and I got together! She's totally fine with it! but I can't shake my feelings of feeling bad. I don't even know if I'm polyamorous.

My friend lives in another country. I've talked with him for years. We're really close friends, and I think he likes me? But I dunno if it's even worth tapping into, to risk our friendship or marriage.

Help :')

 

[Magdlyn]

Just a quick question for clarity. Are you male, married to a woman, but developing romantic feelings for another male you met online and chat with a lot? You call this person "them" and "he," but I am not sure if there is a language issue (English not being your first language, perhaps), making pronouns confused.

 

[Oathkeeper]

Oh, I'm sorry! I'm a trans male, my wife is trans female, and my friend is also a trans male. For more info I met my friend about 2018. My wife and he both know about each other so there's no secrets there.
(I edited it to change the pronouns to make more sense )

 

[GalaGirl]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. She recently came out as polyamorous, within the last 2 years. At first I told her I was monogamous, and we both agreed to respect that, no problems.

So the current agreement is to practice monogamy with each other.

And when I think about it, I'm okay with me having another partner, but when I think about my wife having another partner, I feel uncomfortable. It's not that I'm being possessive, but I think I'm insecure? Like, if I know she's with someone else, it's like confirming my feelings that she does want to be with someone else, or would be happier with someone else than me. Which I know is a me problem, but I have another hesitation.

You think that your wife wants to be with someone else, or would be happier with someone else with you. So why is she here?

People break up in monogamy. What keeps her here? Do you think she loves you and WANTS to be here? I hope so. What do you need to really BELIEVE that? What do you need to feel secure? What do you need so not upset your own self?

I was also brought up that you have the ultimate love and dedication to someone, if they are your ONLY one, that it's special, that no one else can have what they have.

Correct. Wife is the only one of her there is. WIFE. That doesn't mean you can't love other people -- your friends, your family, etc.

That said, I think I do love another person. I'm just starting to be honest with myself that I'm, well, lying to myself, and I'm scared to admit I love him in a romantic way.

You can love him in a romantic way... and still not pursue. Monogamous people sometimes do have crushes or love others. They choose NOT to say anything, or pursue, because they have monogamous commitments.

If I love another the same way, I feel like I'd be low-key saying my wife isn't my everything, and that makes me feel sad. I LOVE my wife and don't want to ever hurt her or leave her, but I can't deny I have feelings for my friend, either.

I notice you say "feel" where I'd say "think." You could leave "feel" for actual emotions. It then becomes--

If I love another the same way, I think I'd be low-key saying my wife isn't my everything, and that makes me feel sad. I LOVE my wife and don't want to ever hurt her or leave her, but I can't deny I have feelings for my friend, either.

You could change your mind and accept that you CAN love more than one person. But Wife is the one you've committed to, and she's everything you want in a spouse, so you could give this friend a pass and not pursue him, even though you have some romantic feelings for him. You could let the romantic feelings pass.

What makes it difficult, is my wife told me many times she would be totally okay if my friend and I got together!

That does not matter. YOU are not ok with it. You could tell Wife: you know she's poly, you understand she'd be supportive of you, you appreciate the support, but don't want to go there, so stop bringing it up.

She's totally fine with it! but I can't shake my feelings of feeling bad. I don't even know if I'm polyamorous.

You are debating pursuing your friend. This thinking behavior leads to you feeling bad.

If you don't know if you are willing AND able to practice polyamory, you don't have to go there. You could decide NOT to pursue it, and give the whole thing a pass, that is, do NEW thinking behavior. Then sit back and let the bad feelings pass and new feelings ensue.

My friend lives in another country. I've talked with him for years. We're really close friends, and I think he likes me? But I dunno if it's even worth tapping into, to risk our friendship or marriage.

Again... don't go there. Be DECISIVE. It's being "up in the air" that's upsetting you. So make firm decisions, so you can feel better.

You seem to value the friendship and the marriage more than risking going into the unknown... so stick with the things you value.

Work on being more at peace with yourself and shedding some of these beliefs and thoughts you have that make you feel bad.

You aren't dead. You will notice attractive people in the world. You might get crushes or even love them. But you made monogamous promises you want to keep. So keep your commitments. It's ok to enjoy crushes here and there, in the privacy of your head, and NOT do anything about it. You won't be the first monogamous person to feel things like that, and you won't be the last. It doesn't make you "bad," it makes you HUMAN.

You can't help being born, and you don't get to pick the family/culture/life you landed in. You don't get to pick your parents and other relatives. Not everyone gets to grow up in a healthy family or a healthy environment. If your religious upbringing and purity culture of the past harmed you, and causes you a lot of shame and guilt today, even after leaving that particular religious group, you might think about talking to a counselor about it.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Oathkeeper,

You sound like a very loyal person. Do you want to stop feeling like you'd be cheating if you were poly? or does monogamy give you a level of special that you would not want to lose? These are vital questions for you to think about.

Regards,
Kevin T.