Wife wants to now be monogamous

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flutebard

New member
My wife and I have been married for 11 years and I have always been open about being poly. Over the course of the first few years together she was with a couple other people which I thought was awesome and encouraged it. Fast forward now to 11 years into our marriage, two kids later and I have never found anyone I was attracted to enough to have a relationship with. We have both flirted with people and talked about doing things, but never acted on it. This whole time she has seemed perfectly ok with it.

In the last few months I have found someone I am very interested in and brought up the idea of seeing someone else. As I talked about it more she finally said she didn't want either of us to see other people. She said she was insecure and thought I would leave her if I saw others. I have reassured her that I was always going to be there for her and that I married her for her and no one would ever come between that. On top of that we have not been very sexually active for years, like once a month or less. When we are she typically wants to do things in the middle of the night when I'm exhausted and I don't get off. She takes it as a sign of me not being attracted to her, but when we do have sex during the day when I'm awake, everything goes fine.

She later admitted to me that she felt ashamed of what she did when we were first together and thought it was wrong and gross. She doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't want me to talk to any of our poly friends about it either. To her the subject is over, I'm expected to be ok with just being with her, and not really having sex. Right now I don't feel I can be happy in this relationship and that she sees me as weird and gross for wanting to be with other people. The other night she more or less answered that question by not wanting to answer it and changing the subject.

I feel lied to and hurt and don't know what to do. The feelings are very raw right now and I know now is not the best time to act on anything. So that's why I'd like to know what you guys think.
 
Some people are more geared toward polyamory; some are more geared toward monogamy.

If I've read your post right, despite having been married for 11 years, your wife is only now confronting the possibility of you being involved with other people. You've told her you *want* to be, but until now haven't had any prospects. Do I have that right?

I can empathize with her feeling "wrong and gross" about seeing other people as a married woman. For probably the first year after Hubby and I opened our marriage, I fought those same emotions and perceptions, because I'd been taught that wanting and enjoying sex with *one* person was wrong and horrible, let alone wanting to have more than one sexual partner. In our situation, *I* am the one who's poly, and yet I still had those feelings.

But it sounds like your wife was only okay with the *idea* of you being polyamorous, and not with the reality of it. That's a divide that really doesn't have an easy solution. I don't think she lied to you. I think that since she didn't previously need to address the reality of you having another partner, she didn't realize how opposed to it she would be until you told her you'd found someone else you wanted to get involved with.

The options I see for you:
- Live, as you say, with limited sex and only one partner because it's what your wife wants you to do

- Ignore what your wife wants you to do, and act on your attraction to other people, either openly or hiding it from your wife

- Continue trying to talk her into seeing your point of view, and meanwhile table the possibility of seeing someone else

- Leave her

The thing is, as Hubby would put it, this is a two-yes system. (Or however many people are involved.) If you and your wife are not both saying "yes, this is okay"... it isn't okay, because you and she have made agreements and commitments to each other.

If you can't say "yes" to being with only her, and she can't say "yes" to you being with others, then you've reached an impasse. If you're unhappy in the situation and can't change that situation, your only other viable option is to leave the situation.

I don't think either of you is right or wrong in this situation. You're poly; she's mono. That's all. And her expecting you to act monogamously, or you expecting her to accept polyamory, would be asking one of you to go against your "wiring," which may not be possible. This isn't a case of lying. It's a case of you having different "wiring" that doesn't match up.
 
You would be correct.

I've been leaning toward the third option, with hopes she will be willing to talk in time.

Thanks, it's good to hear that she probably wasn't lying. I like the idea of the two yes system. I will probably wait to talk to her again when things cool down a bit.
 
Sometimes people's opinions of things change. Sometimes their opinions based on a hypothetical situation aren't the same as their opinions of the reality.

When Hubby and I were first together, I brought up the subject of having an open relationship. At that time, he said there was no way in hell he would be able to deal with me seeing other men, and no way he would want to see other women. He wanted monogamy and sexual exclusivity, and wouldn't even consider any other possibility. Even though that wasn't what I wanted, I chose to go along with it in large part to provide some stability and a better living environment for Alt and Country. (And yes, Hubby does know that that was one of the primary factors in my agreeing to move in with and then marry him.)

Four and a half years after that discussion, HE was the one who suggested opening the marriage as a way of addressing some serious discrepancies and issues in our sex life.

He wasn't lying in 2008 when he said there was no way in hell he could deal with the idea of an open relationship. But time, research, and the recognition that I'd sublimated my sexual and relationship needs to his for four and a half years, changed his mind.

When he suggested opening the marriage, he said he wanted to see other women as well as me seeing other men. After actually having sex with another woman, he decided it wasn't worth it and he wasn't comfortable with doing so.

He wasn't lying when he said he wanted to see other women. The experience of doing so changed his mind.

I strongly suspect your wife is the same. Like I said, you'd only presented her with the existence of your polyamorous leanings, which she was okay with. But until now, you hadn't actually tried to see another woman, and when you told her you wanted to, she realized that she wouldn't be okay with the reality. She didn't lie; she just couldn't predict the future.

To give a very clumsy analogy, it's like a parent saying they're okay with their child being gay, while encouraging said child to date people of the opposite sex and talking about having grandchildren. The *idea* is okay; the *action* isn't so much.

I think that if you love your wife and want your marriage to work, tabling acting on your attraction to someone else and waiting a while to bring up the subject again is probably your best bet. Given time to actually process her feelings and your needs/wants, she might be able to see it differently.

Again, though.. two-yes system means finding a place to agree. That might mean she completely goes with what you want; it might mean you completely go with what she wants; or it might mean finding a middle ground if one is possible. But if you both are set on your opinions, there won't be any way for you to both say yes.
 
KC43 said:
The options I see for you:
- Live, as you say, with limited sex and only one partner because it's what your wife wants you to do

- Ignore what your wife wants you to do, and act on your attraction to other people, either openly or hiding it from your wife

- Continue trying to talk her into seeing your point of view, and meanwhile table the possibility of seeing someone else

- Leave her
Click to expand...

I see some other options:
  • Forget about polyamory and commit yourself to being monogamous with your wife, but with an agreement between the two of you to go to therapy, work on your issues, and have sex and intimacy more often;

  • Table polyamory for now, with the caveat that unless you two agree to go to therapy, work on your issues, and have sex and intimacy more often, you will revisit it as a real possibility. Obviously, with this choice, the possibility of practicing polyamory is one of the things to be discussed in therapy.
 
Hi flutebard,

I agree with much of what KC is saying, and also with nycindie.

The reality is that you are very unhappy with the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage. This is something that your wife has contributed to and cannot just be buried.

However, unless your wife is simply blissfully happy with only having sex once a month and is truly happy in your marriage, this shouldn't be ignored - regardless of poly. In other words, if both of you are unhappy, this will only be magnified if you become poly. It will widen the gap, not fix it. Therefore, I'd suggest addressing that before anything else.

Is your wife willing to join you in marriage therapy? Are you genuinely interested in reconnecting with your wife? What does your wife say when you tell her that you are unhappy with your sex life?

In terms of the other person you're interested in, is she going anywhere? Could you hold off for 3, 6 or even 12 months with that involvement?

A friend of mine once told me that I have to be willing to lose my partner if I'm going to be able to do what's right for me. I'd say the same to you. You have to accept that even if you and your wife agree on a grace period of 12 months to work on your marriage and prepare for poly, your wife may never be comfortable with it. At the very least, going down this path is going to require you to be extremely compassionate, patient and reassuring. It will require a lot of work on your part. You may be dealing with your wife's insecurities for a long time, so you must decide whether or not it's something you need to do. Only you can decide that.
 
I wonder also if the frequency/timing of sex issue can't be something that you guys work on a bit more together as well. I can imagine I'd be wary of my partner starting to date someone new if I knew that they were experiencing some level of dissatisfaction in our current sex life.
 
My wife is very happy having very little sex, and has been that way for years. I am very patient and compassionate.
 
Well it seems like you have a need and aren't happy having that not met. Why would she deny you finding a partner that would if she refuses? Could she compromise and agree to more sex?
 
My first husband and I had infrequent sex (once a week) for years because he has low testosterone. We tried many options - me masturbating alone as well as with his assistance, porn, etc. After 9 years he brought up having an open relationship and having me trying to find a partner that would allow me a greater amount of sex than he was willing to provide. He could fix his low testosterone issue with medication, more than likely, but he chooses not to medicate. So, we decided to give non-monogamy a try.

Good luck - I think therapy is a good option. Your wife may over time become more open to the idea.
 
If your wife's interest in sex has fallen off for whatever reason, and she's ok with that, then I don't see that your own issue of wanting a more active sex life can be fixed within the marriage.

In other words, this isn't a marriage problem, it's your problem. Wife is happy with current levels of sex, you aren't.

I think your solution, i.e. finding a more interested sex partner outside the marriage, is sensible. As far as the wife's feelings on this, I think she's growing backwards.

It's natural for some people's sex drives to wane over the years. She's no longer willing to participate in the level of sexual activity that you both once enjoyed, and which you still prefer. And that's perfectly fine. However, she needs to acknowledge that you can't continue indefinitely with your sexual needs being unmet. That leaves her three options: (1) engage in more sexual activity than she prefers (not recommended); (2) support you seeking healthy, safe relationships outside the marriage (in accordance with your own marriage's initial agreement); (3) separate.

Whoever mentioned the whole "two yesses" thing... My opinion is that this first applies to the wife deciding to close the marriage. Given that it's been officially open for the past 11 years, it takes two yesses to decide to close it up.
 
flutebard said:
My wife is very happy having very little sex, and has been that way for years. I am very patient and compassionate.
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Hi flute.

I think it's great that you are very patient and compassionate already. Those are wonderful qualities to have.

Since your wife is very happy with the status-quo and you are not, I'm guessing that your wife isn't interested in working on increasing the amount of sexual intimacy between you. In that case, your wife must accept what you are saying: you're not sexually fulfilled and would like to be.

If I was in your situation, and if I felt firm on wanting to explore polyamory/polysexuality, I'd literally say that and I'd give a grace period of 3 months for the two of you to talk it out.

You could of course go straight ahead with the new person you've found - technically, you never agreed to close the relationship. However, I believe this option would be accompanied with the most damage. It basically depends what is more important to you right this minute and what you feel is important in the long-term future. :)
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Whoever mentioned the whole "two yesses" thing... My opinion is that this first applies to the wife deciding to close the marriage. Given that it's been officially open for the past 11 years, it takes two yesses to decide to close it up.
Click to expand...

That was me, and I think I said that the "two yes" system applies equally on both sides. Two yesses to have a closed marriage with little sex OR two yesses to have an open marriage. (Or to have more sex, or whatever else.)
 
11 years is a long time to adjust to poly. I find it suspicious that her disinterest in poly happens at exactly the time you find someone. My partner's ex did the same thing to him. When it was about her, it was fine, but when it was about him, she suddenly wanted to go mono.

You can try to give your wife more time, but I can say that my partner and I worked for over two years to help "ease" her into the poly lifestyle (after her having dated guys for the first 20 years of it and him being allowed side pieces during business trips). It didn't help one bit.
 
Candiedlove said:
11 years is a long time to adjust to poly. I find it suspicious that her disinterest in poly exactly the time you find someone. My partner's ex didgot the same thing to him. When it was about her, it was fine, but when it was about him, she suddenly wanted to go mono.

You can try to give your wife more time, but I can say that my partner and I worked for over two years to help "ease" her into the poly lifestyle (after her having dated guys for the first 20 years of it and him being allowed side pieces during business trips). It didn't help one bit.
Click to expand...

Sometimes things sound fine in theory but then if they become a reality it can be overwlemingly scary.
 
Hi flutebard,

I imagine it must be frustrating having waited 11 years to find a poly partner, only to have your wife say no to poly right then. It seems like you wouldn't want to wait for your wife to come around, since by the time she did, you might lose your once-in-11-years opportunity.

Marriage counseling would probably be a good idea; see if you can find a poly-friendly counselor. But, you have to be prepared for the possibility that poly is a deep and lasting need for you, while your wife is permanently opposed to poly. Not saying I know that's what will happen, just saying it could happen. And if it does, you'll need to consider a divorce. :(

I hope you guys can work things out. If you're for sure not compatible, I hope you can at least separate amicably.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Inyourendo said:
Sometimes things sound fine in theory but then if they become a reality it can be overwlemingly scary.
Click to expand...

I absolutely agree. The one thing my partner and I make sure of now is that everyone knows-- from the beginning!- that anything is possible. We're not going through what we went through with his ex again. If they're scared off by the idea of poly, it's better to find out before anyone is emotionally invested.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Whoever mentioned the whole "two yesses" thing... My opinion is that this first applies to the wife deciding to close the marriage. Given that it's been officially open for the past 11 years, it takes two yesses to decide to close it up.
Click to expand...

I completely agree with this. When my husband and I first discussed opening our relationship I told him that I would have no problem leaving it closed but if he was okay with opening it he needed to be sure. If it got to the point where I had somebody in mind, then I would be very upset if he decided he wasn't okay with it anymore. While being open/poly wasn't 100% critical to me, I wouldn't handle the back and forth very well. I am fine if he needs to slow down or be reassured, but the decision to be poly was a mutual one and he doesn't get to undo it unilaterally.
 
Re (from SchrodingersCat):
"Whoever mentioned the whole 'two yesses' thing ... My opinion is that this first applies to the wife deciding to close the marriage. Given that it's been officially open for the past 11 years, it takes two yesses to decide to close it up."
Click to expand...

I tend to agree with this also.
 
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