Wiring

[GroundedSpirit]

Purpose of analysis/debate

Oh - and Mon - thanks for those links. Informative reading !

At times like this I often step back and ask - 'why are we even discussing/debating such things'? (on any variety of topics) Sometimes - and this is one of those times - I feel it's beneficial to just get a deeper understanding of why some things are the way they are. It may or may not ever 'change' anything - nor is that the purpose of discussion.

So in light of how a topic like this comes up in a subject oriented around a way of living (polyamory), while acknowledging the role of biology, I think it's also important to acknowledge our advances in understanding the role of mind in actually altering that biology. Not to get into some deep scientific discussion well beyond our purposes. I'll only mention a common example that probably most (via counseling) are familiar with or exposed to. Commonly referred to as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), the basic premise being that we do have the ability to self modify our genetics/biology. Nuff said there.......

So where this plays in is in our decision making process. It offers 'choice'. In our quest for whatever we believe is a more harmonious, fulfilling and maybe loving life, by thinking and learning about options we bring choices to the table.

What this means is that any crutches we have are suddenly whipped out from under us. We can no longer just fall back on biology (wiring) as written in stone. We have to give it a proper category. CHOICE.

We're no longer bound by forces outside our control.
We are making a conscious choice (even if it's only out of an unwillingness to put in what may be a tremendous amount of time and effort) to allow our biology to reign supreme.
By itself - neither good nor bad. Simply a choice. The individual circumstances and long term possible outcomes will stand judge on whether is was the 'right' choice or not.

But it's said there is no such thing as a 'bad' choice at the time it's made. Everyone is choosing what they believe is best. Only time will be the judge.

GS

 

[MonoVCPHG]

'why are we even discussing/debating such things'?
GS

I think this is the comment that will end my role in this debate, GS. This is the perfect close for me. Knowing who I am and how I work is all I need. I'll leave the debate to others. Glad you liked the links my friend.

 

[Ceoli]

At times like this I often step back and ask - 'why are we even discussing/debating such things'? (on any variety of topics) Sometimes - and this is one of those times - I feel it's beneficial to just get a deeper understanding of why some things are the way they are. It may or may not ever 'change' anything - nor is that the purpose of discussion.

The first thing I would say to that is, "Why not?"

Oftentimes, people use such ideas of wiring and biology an important factor to legitimize or de-legitimize behavior, especially in the eyes of the law and what is acceptable to the public. It makes sense that if arguments such as "NATURE intended marriage to be between a MAN and a WOMAN" etc. are being plastered around all of these policy decisions and views in society (at least as they are here in the US), then getting into the nitty gritty of the biology can be beneficial to facilitating a society to accept more progressive ideals structures of families.

It may be enough for the individual to know what's right for them, but when society starts making decisions about what's right and normal, I find it important to have these conversations, if only to make space for *more* people to be able to live in ways that are right for them.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

The first thing I would say to that is, "Why not?"

Oh I totally agree Ceoli !
I think you (and Mon both) may have misinterpreted what I meant.
It was a legitimate "why" and my reasoning was much like yours. Good information for ALL. and if kept in that context it's not even what you'd classify as 'debate', just good insightful discussion. Too bad it didn't have a broader audience.

GS

 

[Ceoli]

it's not even what you'd classify as 'debate', just good insightful discussion.

Well, that's how I've been looking at it.

 

[redpepper]

Hate to play devils advocate here, but I have been lead to believe that some poly identified people are responsible daters waiting for "the one." There is nothing wrong with that to me and if that is their poly, then awesome for them, if it makes them feel good, but it's kind of like not knowing what it is like to have a baby until you have one or not knowing what married life is like until you are married... no one can explain it until it's upon you and you feel it yourself.... sometimes it can be so powerful it can lead to monogamy (oh shock and horror!!! )

I also think that some are perhaps responsible daters that have had a life of relationship drama because they have invested more than they perhaps should of in a person and now want to just let lose with a bunch of experimental dating people.

when I say "responsible" I mean that they have everything out in the open, are honest to everyone concerned, include their metamours in their lives in order to be sure everyone is doing okay... all good stuff for sure. I certainly never did those things and would of found it very liberating when I was a "dater."

I have a friend who dates about five different women. His cell phone buzzes constantly. He is not poly, he dates. Some of these women know that he dates others, some don't. Some of them have husbands and boyfriends that don't know they are dating others. It all seems to be similar to some peoples poly, but he considers himself monogamous. There are no metamours, no primaries, secondaries, unicorns..... it all seems rather liberating sometimes to tell you the truth... even though I know, having been there, that honesty, openness and communication work far better for me.

Perhaps the difference is something to do with a need for a higher level of openness, honesty and communication? Rather than an ability to love more than one? That has always sounded a tad pompous and arrogant some how to me. What makes us think that we have love cornered anyway?