Worried about my future with polyamory

Bioniclizard

New member
Hi!

This is my first post so idk if this is the right thread.

My gf wants a poly relationship with this guy she has a crush on. I’m not super into trying, but I’m going to, for her. My worry is that if I don’t end up liking it and it makes me unhappy, will she stop? I’ve tried asking her, just for some peace of mind, and she just says, “We will talk. I don’t wanna say that I will, because that’s just asking for it to fail."

I also can’t see myself liking polyamory as a permanent thing, only as a temporary thing, while we are young, before we are married or have kids, so that we can both have more experience before we are super locked in with each other.

For more context, I’m a lesbian, so I won’t be part of their relationship. I would be finding someone else to be with.

Anyway, looking for advice or things I should talk to her about and maybe haven’t yet.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, okay? (It may not be what you want to hear.

I’ve tried asking her just for some peace of mind, and she just says, “We will talk. I don’t wanna say that I will, because that’s just asking for it to fail.”

I view it another way. WHEN will you talk? Did you two set a time/date, or was this just "waving it away," jumping in underprepared and not doing enough research? How is that asking for it to SUCCEED? You are probably going to feel anxious and vote "no confidence" in her hinge skills if she's just excited to jump in while blowing you off. You might bump into "poly hell" if she gets carried away with new relationship energy for the new person and starts taking her relationship with you on this side of the V for granted.


You could read that together and talk about how to prevent/reduce dings.

I also can’t see myself liking polyamory as a permanent thing, only as a temporary thing, while we are young, before we are married or have kids, so that we can both have more experience before we are super locked in with each other.

Have you told your GF that you view it as a temporary thing while young? Have you considered that while you explore on your side... you might run into someone even more compatible than your current GF? Or if you get to the end of the exploring chapter and GF doesn't want to stop, are you ok with that, and breaking up at that point in time? Or would it feel like you did all this stuff "for her" and it ended up being "a waste of time," or similar, rather than thinking, "Well, I chose to explore with her. It was worthwhile and I learned some things. But it's not my cup of tea, so I'm bowing out. I wish her well if she wants to keep on doing poly without me."

My worry is that if I don’t end up liking it and it makes me unhappy, will she stop? I’ve tried asking her just for some peace of mind, and she just says, “We will talk. I don’t wanna say that I will, because that’s just asking for it to fail."

If you end up not liking it, YOU can stop. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. So if the experimenting and gaining more experiences time reveals that polyamory isn't for you, you can quit. She might quit practicing poly too, or she might not. But YOU don't have to keep doing poly stuff you don't like.

If your GF doesn't want to talk about how this could end well, whether you and she stay together at the end of the exploring time or not, maybe you'd prefer to just not go there at all and to say, "No, thanks. I don't want to do poly with you. If you want to go there, I won't stop you. But there I cannot follow."

Maybe it will turn out your GF is not a good exploring partner and you'd rather explore poly with people who carry themselves in a different way, so you can feel like taking the risks is okay and safe enough and not like just jumping off a cliff.

There's nothing wrong with exploring while young. But if you are mostly doing it to hang on to the GF and avoid a break-up, I suggest you really think hard about that. Love alone is not enough for a healthy, sustainable relationship. There have to be other compatibilities. Bending into pretzels, doing stuff you are "meh" about, just to hang on to someone and/or avoid a break-up is not taking care of your own well-being.

Maybe this helps you assess.


Galagirl
 
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I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear.



I view it another way. WHEN will you talk? Did you two set a time/date? Or was this just "waving it away?" Jumping in underprepared and not doing enough talks? How is that asking for it to SUCCEED? You are probably going to feel anxious and vote "no confidence" in her hinge skills if she's just excited to jump in and blows you off. And you might bump into poly hell things if she gets carried away with New Relationship Energy for the new person and starts taking her relationship with you on this side of the V for granted.


Could read that together and talk about how to prevent/reduce dings.



Have you told your GF this? You view it as a temporary thing while young? Have you considered that while you explore on your side... you might run into someone even more compatible than current GF? Or if you get to the end of the exploring chapter and GF doesn't want to stop? Are you ok with that and breaking up at that point in time? Or would it feel like you did all this stuff "for her" and it ended up being "a waste of time" or similar? Rather than feeling like "Well, I chose to explore with her. It was worthwhile and I learned some things. But not my cup of tea, so I'm bowing out. I wish her well if she wants to keep on without me."



If you end up not liking it, YOU can stop. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. So if the experimenting / gain more experiences time reveals that polyamory isn't your cup of tea? You can quit. She might quit practicing poly too. She might not. But YOU don't have to keep doing poly stuff you don't like.

If your GF doesn't want to talk about how this ends WELL -- whether you and her stay together at the end of the exploring time or not? Maybe you prefer to just not go there at all and you say "No, thanks. I don't want to do poly with you. If you want to go there, I won't stop you. But there I cannot follow."

Maybe it turns out this GF is not a good exploring partner and you'd rather explore poly with people who carry themselves in a different way so you can feel like taking the risks is ok and safe enough and not like just jumping off a cliff.

There's nothing wrong with exploring while young. But if you are mostly doing it to hang on to the GF and avoid a break up?

I suggest you really think hard on that. Love alone is not enough for a healthy, sustainable relationship. There have to be other compatibilities. And bending into pretzels doing stuff you are "meh" on just to hang on to someone and/or avoid a break up is not taking care of your own well being.

Maybe this helps you assess.


Galagirl
Thank you for the input. It gives me a lot to think about.

I’m not considering doing it to hang onto her. I’m doing it because I love and care about her and want her to feel like she’s fulfilled her life. I’m definitely going to talk to her more about it. Also, the context of the poly relationship doesn’t have high chance of success. The guy she wants to see is engaged to someone who feels that same as I do about the situation, and it’s kinda just seeming like a dumpster fire waiting to happen.
 
I'm glad it helps you some. Thank you for sharing more info.

I’m doing it because I love and care about her and want her to feel like she’s fulfilled her life.

That's the thing. You do not have to participate. Another way she can lead a fulfilling life exploring poly is for you to bow out and let her go on to explore without you.

You have to care about your own well-being too. You can love someone a whole lot, but you have to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want to, or do stuff that hurts me."

If all the people in the potential poly network cannot give an "enthusiastic yes" about it, you can skip it.

I get some people really enjoy acts of service to others and it brings them joy. But you come first. Not like "selfish" but like, "I will care about my well-being so I can operate on a full tank of gas. Then, as I am willing and able, I can help others with their reasonable and rational requests."

If she's asking you to come jump in a dumpster fire with her, it's ok for you to say, "No, thanks. You go on ahead if you want. I'll pass." Mucking about with dumpster fire is not something you find rational or reasonable.

If you two want to get back together later, you can. But you don't have to participate in a dumpster fire. It's okay to break up and pass on that.

Galagirl
 
Glad it helps you some. Thank you for more info.




That's the thing. You do not have to participate. Another way she can lead a fulfilling life exploring poly is for you to bow out and let her go on to explore without you.

Because you have to care about your own well being too. You can love someone a whole lot, but you have to be able to say "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want or stuff that hurts me."

If the people in the potential poly network are not "enthusiastic yes" about it? You can skip it.

I get some people really enjoy acts of service to others and it brings them joy. But you come first. Not like "selfish" but like "I care about my well being so I can run from a full tank of gas. Then as willing and able, I help others with their reasonable and rational requests."

If she's asking you to come jump in a dumpster fire with her? It's ok for you to say "No, thanks. You go on ahead if you want. I'll pass."

Cuz mucking about with dumpster fire is not something you find rational or reasonable.

If you two want to get back together later, you can. But nope. You don't have to participate in dumpster fire stuff. It's ok to break up and pass on that.

Galagirl
I know it’s ok to end things for that, but I’d rather try before dipping out
 
Hello Bioniclizard,

You are wanting to have veto power over your girlfriend's relationship with the guy she has a crush on. If that relationship starts, I don't think she will want to end it. Maybe that will change after a while, I don't know. It's certainly possible the two of you could find out that you're incompatible with each other, I just think you should prepare yourself for that possibility.

I guess we'll hope she'll break up with him soon.
Sincere regards,
Kevin T.
 
There is so much information out there about polyamory now. Modern polyamory is really only about 25 years old, but since it began to blossom, there have been several good manuals written about it.

The first one is called Ethical Slut, 1997 about.
Then came Opening Up in about 2008.
More recently is Polysecure.

There is also a podcast if that would suit you. It's called Multiamory.

Start with any one of those resources, and keep reading around this board. You can do a search for "new to poly," or "newbie," or "lesbian," "bisexual," etc.

Just a note, even if you weren't gay, it's not recommended to start doing poly by attempting a triad (in your case, it would be 3 women all dating each other). It's too complicated. It's much easier to date independently.

Polyamory isn't the same as dating around, as young people do before settling down. And it's not about casual sex. It means you're truly able and willing to date more than one person at a time, in a serious adult manner, and are not just playing the field until Ms or Mr Right comes along.

I'm pansexual, so I am drawn to all genders. That's one of the reasons I am poly. But I am also able fully share love with more than one person at once. I share my time equally between my 2 partners.

I know lesbians whose bi or pansexual gfs left them for men. Is that a fear, at all? The one your gf has chosen seems like a poor choice, if he's engaged and his fiancee is not poly. Yikes. Sounds like a mess, indeed.
 
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