May is drawing close and soon I will start packing for my adventure. I still feel strongly that I need to talk to Heath. My crush on him has not gone away and it’s time I told him. I have the benefit of three months, the first of which will be on his turf (but not in his flat, so we have space if things go pear-shaped), the other two months are in close proximity, but not in the same town.
My plan currently is to tell him soon after I arrive so that we both have time to process how we will go on while we are in the same geographical location.
Edgar is very supportive. I’ve told Edgar my biggest fear is of losing what I have: a comfortable, tactile friendship with Heath that is at risk of shifting into the land of discomfort if Heath struggles with my admission. I don’t want to be in the land of discomfort, especially with Heath of all people, but I also feel I need to acknowledge my feelings to him. The dishonesty doesn’t sit right.
I’ve played it out in my head a few times. Edgar suggests alcohol so that we can smooth it over and blame things on being tipsy as an “out” if Heath gets uncomfortable with my admission. I see the wisdom in that.
So, it would look something like this: Heath and I catch up for dinner in the first day or two after I arrive. Somewhere neutral:
- Heath, I need to tell you something unexpected. I know I can’t ask you to promise me your reaction upfront, but can you please try your best not to run? (So that we can reach somewhere sensible rather than have this hanging over us.)
- [I am anticipating he’ll be ok with that. It’s a reverse of when he came out to me, in our 20s.]
- Heath, my feelings have changed in the last few years and I’ve come to realise that I am in love with you. [I think I need to just let it sit there, using a couple of techniques to stop myself from rabbiting on. He’ll have questions probably, after a pause.]
- When did things change?
- Honestly, I don’t know. I think the feeling was always there. I started to acknowledge it to myself at some point before the pandemic. Maybe I finally had the maturity and/or bandwidth to start recognising it for what it was.
- Why now?
- Because it took me over five years to make it make sense to myself, figure out that I was poly, communicate sensibly with Edgar and finally muster up the courage to tell you. In that time, I felt increasingly dishonest in not telling you. Parallel to that, I think I also became acutely aware of our mortality as highlighted by our jobs, having children, friends and family starting to have life-changing events and then finally the pandemic. We live so far apart and anything could happen to either of us at any moment. At some point I realised that if I got seriously sick or injured, you’d never know how much you were loved by me over the years and that felt so so wrong. So here I am, telling you while we are still young and healthy and can continue to enjoy each other’s company for whatever time we have left.
- What about Edgar?
- I love him too. Deeply so. He knows about my feelings for you and he knows this conversation is happening. He is genuinely happy for me. That was never in doubt from the start. He’s particularly happy it’s you. He has known you for a long time too. To Edgar you are an awesome human being in your own right. Telling him was the best thing I’ve ever done, as it actually strengthened our relationship. He is secure in that I love both of you.
- What will you tell Edgar now?
- That you and I have talked. The rest is up to us. He specifically said he is happy to know as much or as little as I want to share.
- Edgar and the kids are coming later on. That will be awkward, don’t you think??
- It doesn’t have to be. The kids know you as a good friend of ours and their fun uncle. Edgar will still shake your hand and give you a hug regardless of what you and I are to each other.
- What if I can’t return your feelings?
- I think that’s okay. We don’t need to change anything if you don’t want to. In fact, I would prefer it that if you don’t feel the same in return, that we just stay as we are, good friends who hug each other a lot. We are not teenagers. I don’t want to lose time with you in whatever format. I’m just relieved I’ve told you. That’s it. I can get run over on my bike now!
Alternatively:
- I think I’ve been feeling similarly for a while. But what about Ned? He would see it as betrayal.
- You know him better. How are things between you two?
- [Heath’s answer - for now, I’ll assume their relationship is largely unchanged, other than stronger due to longevity.]
- Do you think it would help if I met Ned, so I am not some ghostly entity that is easier to cast as a threat? I don’t actually want to disrupt anything between you two. You seem happy with Ned and that’s a good thing. I’ll swan off to the horizon come August and Ned will still be here. That’s important. If you were Ned, would you want to know? Would Ned have the breadth of spirit to reach an understanding that we can all co-exist?
- So, does this mean you want to have sex with me?
- Yes, if you are offering! No, if you’re not sure/uncomfortable. Treat my admission as a gift. You are loved, deeply, by someone who has been in your life for a long, long time. It's not every day we get one of those, huh?! (In case more lightness is needed: Or have girls been throwing themselves at your feet again? Well, they don’t know all your inner cockroaches as well as I do, and I still love you!)
- What about another pregnancy for you? Where are you at with Edgar on that?
- Edgar has come around to my idea re: having another baby. We have my age against us, so who knows how that will pan out? We thought we’d start trying when I got back.
- What if you and I have a contraception failure?
- Honestly, I haven’t thought this far properly. I guess we’ll cross that bridge as and when. For what it’s worth, Edgar knows it’s screwed with my head hugely that I’m in love with both of you. You were desperate to have a child and he was not previously interested in the slightest. He had still genuinely come around to the idea of another baby on his own and despite all that. Statistically, it would be a very slim chance indeed that a) contraception fails + b) I actually get pregnant + c) I won’t miscarry. If all of that aligned, we’d figure out how you could have a solid presence in the child’s life. A lot will be about you revising your priorities with regards to work. To be clear: whatever happens, Edgar and I are not divorcing and I’m not ditching him, our kids nor my career. We may reassess moving countries, but it would have to be without loss to our existing children. If you wanted to move closer to us, we would welcome it, child or no child.
… This took a few weeks to put into words! I feel relieved. There might be a few more permutations I haven’t thought of. I will add them if I think of them. Of course it won’t go to script, but I find it easier to navigate complex conversations if I have rough sketches of how things could go. All feedback welcome.
. I can see how polyhell can happen. Obv, I would do my best (even as I acknowledge that i can’t preempt or preplan everything) to avoid giving Edgar reason to feel demoted. Of course every couple thinks it won’t happen to them, I’m not so naive as to discount the possibility. It is there whether I like it or not. However, I do have a few concrete things that I think work in our collective favour (assuming this crush continues and things go via Plan A / fireworks of the good variety):
Next soloparent holiday BeanStalk and I are trying to get Little Bean on skis 
)
Time to do some re-jigging of everything.
- I used to be a lot better but have lost the mental agility 
. I noticed it with Heathcliff when speaking his language took sooo much concentration, it was not comfortable and my tongue just felt wooden, urgh. Hopefully it’s just due to lack of practice. I have a goal that when a friend visits in a few months, I can hold a conversation with her and Edgar (she’s a native Spanish speaker and Edgar is fluent). BeanStalk is concerned that it means Edgar and I will just talk in Spanish whenever we don’t want the Beans to know what we’re saying - very useful trick for planning presents 
