It’s three weeks tomorrow since I left Heathcliff. We remain in daily contact with both Edgar and Heath. It’s a strange triangle of messages to be in. Well technically a “V”.
We’ve had “Nothing Compares 2 U” playing in the house a lot today for obvious reasons. Such a loss and far too soon. I grew up with that music video. It was one of the battle hymns to my teenage life. When things got loud around me, I’d play it to shut out the worries. Little Bean insisted on watching the music video and got fascinated - that was heart warming, the song is decades older than him
The incessant rain here is brewing even more despair in my mind. I’m trying to think of ways to restructure my career so I can travel as much as Edgar. I’m even considering moving countries, selling the house, uprooting the kids - all of it materialistic blasphemy of course as we are comfortable where we are, but I’m getting itchy and the weather is not helping.
I took the kids for a short holiday to another part of the country last week - guilty consciousness preyed on me after booking the other (child free) trip and this was planned as make up holiday for leaving them earlier. In my defence, domestic flights are far cheaper than international and work was paying for the latter.
We had a blast on our holiday! Now it’s back to the daily grind where I feel so trapped, I want to scream and yet, knowing the full extent of my own privilege, I also feel guilty for complaining here, even though it’s anonymous.
So, since I can’t let myself mooch unchecked, I did take some active steps to take myself out of the doldrums:
1. I bought a snowboard! I started learning last year when BeanStalk decided he loved skiing more than anything, and I ended up really liking snowboarding. This will save me oodles on rental gear. It’s a bit old but it was my size for a good price, including bindings and I’m just happy!
2. I attended a career guidance webinar targeted at folks like me. Which made me realise that I need to own my micro-decisions and stop drifting. My subconscious values turned out to be clarity, love, wealth and balance. That mortgage must be really preying on my mind
Time to do some re-jigging of everything.
3. I started a Spanish course since I need to go to Spain next year for about 3-4 weeks for work reasons and I don’t want to feel like an idiot. It’s my 5th spoken language in order of appearance. I learnt it >10years ago when travelling in Latin America. At the moment I’ve atrophied to the point where I can only hold two comfortably in my head at any one time
- I used to be a lot better but have lost the mental agility
. I noticed it with Heathcliff when speaking his language took sooo much concentration, it was not comfortable and my tongue just felt wooden, urgh. Hopefully it’s just due to lack of practice. I have a goal that when a friend visits in a few months, I can hold a conversation with her and Edgar (she’s a native Spanish speaker and Edgar is fluent). BeanStalk is concerned that it means Edgar and I will just talk in Spanish whenever we don’t want the Beans to know what we’re saying - very useful trick for planning presents
4. Made inroads for BeanStalk and I to do coding classes. BeanStalk has been after me to learn minecraft coding - I relented, somewhat, and said we’ll start with generic kids’ classes where they teach a bit of everything. Meanwhile I need to learn HTML coding myself. It would be useful for one of my work projects, so there. I’m being a good parent while also helping my career. Balance and Love in one!
5. Best of all, I discovered the awesome feminist podcast “unf*ck your brain” - where was I all these years??!! It’s been going since 2017. I must have been living under a rock. Such wisdom and I can just hear it whenever. No need to look at text on small screen - yay! Hopefully my projection of not giving a damn about what people think will start to dwindle down from the 10year margin I gave it earlier in this blog.
Frustratingly, despite all of that, I’m still crushing badly on Heathcliff. I miss Edgar too. Being alone in bed is not good for me at the moment. I need my bear hugs. It seems I have become used to long arms draping over me. Gaah. Since when??? I used to be so fiercely independent and now it’s an actual need. A thing without which I am distinctly uncomfortable.
Heath and I are throwing exotic activity holiday options to each other (the sort that Edgar would hate anyway) and it’s a weirdly welcome torture. Enjoyment of such a holiday is conditional on:
a) Heath and Ned breaking up or, less likely, Ned becoming ok with non-monogamy - monogamy was his stipulation originally. The former is not something I actually want to happen as it will hurt Heathcliff, but as I said earlier, it might happen anyway;
AND
b) Edgar truly being ok with my very non-platonic crush and being ok with c)
AND
c) I work up the courage to tell Heath of my crush (because life is short and I want the doubt in my head to be resolved one way or another) AND Heath responds similarly.
[I would of course plan contingency if c) is a “no”. ]
That’s a lot of stars to align.
I just don’t recognise myself anymore.
. I can see how polyhell can happen. Obv, I would do my best (even as I acknowledge that i can’t preempt or preplan everything) to avoid giving Edgar reason to feel demoted. Of course every couple thinks it won’t happen to them, I’m not so naive as to discount the possibility. It is there whether I like it or not. However, I do have a few concrete things that I think work in our collective favour (assuming this crush continues and things go via Plan A / fireworks of the good variety):
Next soloparent holiday BeanStalk and I are trying to get Little Bean on skis 
)
