You are not enough

T

Tulip

Member
I am in the process of opening up a 5 year monogamous relationship and have posted here a few times and found the responses really helpful and thought I would ask about something that keeps coming up for me and I am finding difficult to process - I'm sure its a common thing.

It like just the simple fact of being with my partner (B) and the fact that he wants date other women is like I am living with someone who is constantly telling me 'you are not enough'. I get that he is non monogamous by nature and that even if he was with the most amazing women in the world he would still want more. I know I am enough, its not like its making me doubt my worth or at least that is not the main problem. The thing is it feels like I am living with someone who is constantly putting me down just by being who he is. It feels like no matter how I try to rationalize it, the rationalizations do not get through to my feeling self. It is making me feel resentful and I can feel myself shutting down towards him even though I dont want to shut down. Its like my feeling self is shutting down and pushing away in order to protect itself.

Any ideas on how to process this dilemma would be gratefully appreciatied.

Just to add I have recently found myself a poly friendly counsellor which is great - only had one session so far which went so fast! but I am hopeful I can eventually work though all this stuff. Also in case its relevent or anyone remember my other posts I have recently started seeing someone else too which has been very fun and he is very lovely though slightly confused by the non monogamy.
 
I'm confusd. If he's non-monogamous by nature, why were you two practicing monogamy for 5 years? Or did he not realize his nature til later one?

Let me repeat back in my own words to make sure I get it right... you correct me if I'm wrong, ok? The main issue TODAY is...

  • I know I am enough ME. I do not doubt my self worth.

  • I know my partner is non-monogamous. Even if he was with the most amazing woman in the world? He would want more partners because he wants to be multi-partnered. He is non-monogamous.

  • No matter how I rationalize my participating in this? It doesn't work. In the end... I think poly/non-monogamy is fine for other people who want it. I'm having trouble accepting/admitting that poly/non-monogamy doesn't actually work for ME though.

  • I'm starting to shut down. Its like my feeling self is shutting down and pushing away in order to protect itself from.... (accepting we are not actually compatible and having to break up?)

Is that the unspoken thing you struggle with? :confused:

Why are you seeing a poly counselor? What are you hoping to achieve in counseling? Are you hoping clarify what you value? To learn to deal with poly so you can continue to particpate here? Hoping to become more able to end it and move on with the new partner? Or something else?

I think you could do your soul searching with the counselor and decide if participating here is still worthwhile to you or not. You don't have to bend yourself into pretzels to be in a relationship.

Galagirl
 
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To answer you questions in order:

Yes to I know I am enough

Current partner has only just realised that non-monogamy is a non-negationable for him.

I can see the benefits of poly and I want to do it but I am struggling with the feelings it is provoking in me that I know are not always rationale and I want to find a different way of seeing things/beliefs/thoughts etc to make my feeling more managable.

I feel like I have a automatic self protecting mechanism shutting down my feelings towards my partner because I feel hurt that he is basically saying I am not enough every day and that he wants other women, even though I know rationally thats not really what he is saying. The self protective mechanism thing just keeps freaking out.

I think we are compatible I just think I am struggling with this transition and I need help in making it and trying to reach to places/people who may be able to help me. I want to make the change authentically not by pretending and suppressing feelings etc.

I am seeing the counsellor to help me process the things I find difficult about poly so I can move forward, stay in my relationship without the negative feelings or at least making them more managable, enjoy other partners and be happy for my current partner to also have other relationships. That is what I want ideally.
 
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Hi Tulip,

In the world of nonmonogamy, technically, *no one* is enough. To be enough, you'd have to somehow be able to be more than one person. A nonmonogamous person needs to be with more than one person, by definition. The thing to realize here is that being "not enough" is not the same as being flawed in some way. Being only one person is not a flaw. It's just who we are, each of us is only one person and that's okay. I know, if it's okay, why would anyone want/need to go out seeking a *second* person to be with? and the short answer is, it's not because of anything about the first person, it's not about that first person at all, it's about the nonmonogamist themselves. *They* are the one who wants/needs multiple people; they were like that before they even met their first person. It's not about wanting a certain *kind* of person, it's about wanting a certain *number* of people.

I just want to add, I'm very happy for you that you found a poly-friendly counselor. I remember the problems you were having with your previous counselor, and that you were struggling to find a better counselor for you. It sounds like you were at last successful in that search, and I am excited for you that this new counselor will hopefully be able to help you work through some of the difficulties that arise from trying to transition from monogamy into nonmonogamy. Congrats!

Hopefully the forum can also help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for more info.

You sound like you want to try poly.

I feel like I have a automatic self protecting mechanism shutting down my feelings towards my partner because I feel hurt that he is basically saying I am not enough every day and that he wants other women, even though I know rationally thats not really what he is saying. The self protective mechanism thing just keeps freaking out.
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Is this grief? If you were together in one model for 5 years, and he has discovered he's non-monogamous? Even if you are up for changing the model and trying... you might also be grieving the loss of the old model, the "old normal."

Are you making space to grieve? :confused:

It might not be a realistic expectation of yourself to skip over that and leap to "get ok with poly and start dating" this quickly. Esp if the new person you are dating is confused by the non-monogamy.

I want to make the change authentically not by pretending and suppressing feelings etc.
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Well, do your soul searching with the counselor. It's good you lined one up!

And if you find that no, you cannot make the change and actually prefer monogamy? Be prepared for that. Like hope for the best, but prepare for all outcomes.

If you based some of your beliefs about relationship/intimacy on exclusiveness, you might have to change your beliefs.Maybe some of these sheets help you clarify what you value or want? Esp the last two?

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

And maybe some of these help also:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

https://www.morethantwo.com/

HTH!
Galagirl
 
Tulip said:
It feels like no matter how I try to rationalize it, the rationalizations do not get through to my feeling self.
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Tulip said:
I can see the benefits of poly and I want to do it but I am struggling with the feelings it is provoking in me that I know are not always rationale and I want to find a different way of seeing things/beliefs/thoughts etc to make my feeling more managable.
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It's great to be open minded and you're right that new thoughts can inspire better feelings, but the preference for monogamy is not "irrational." Just because he tells you that he loses no esteem for you by having others doesn't mean that you're irrational for not feeling the same way. If you're going to change how you feel with new thoughts, those thoughts have to be authentic for you. You can't jump into an entirely different life orientation just beause someone (your partner or an article or any one of us) explains the benefits. The heart is a miraculous, wise and purposeful necessity of life - and the only credible source of guidance that indicates what is true and valuable for you. Most people prefer monogamy and not because they are brainwashed, closed minded or irrational, but because monogamy is by far more preferable for them, period. Do you want polyamory or do you want him? It sounds to me as though you are attempting to retrofit your preferences to accommodate his recently discovered hard limit for poly in order to keep him in your life. Open mindedness can indeed go a long way toward this aim, but denigrating your value of monogamy will not serve you. You won't be able to overcome your preference for monogamy with rationality, which is basically a happy face sticker when it comes to trying to control feelings.

Do you honestly want polyamory in your life or do you want him - and you're trying to do whatever it takes to keep him?
 
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Thanks to everyone for replying and for your persepctives. Galagirl, those resources look really good and I will definately be going through them. i have already worked through the kathylabriola ones and found them really helpful. I do think there is a greiving process going on but i feel quite a way along that journey now and so better than I did.

I think what I am trying to do is narrow done the particular beliefs/feelings that are bothering me one by one and looking at them to try and address them if is is possible which is why I bought just one aspect to this thread just to see who others dealt with that thought/feeling.

FallenAngelina - I totally see what your are saying and you may be right that I am too mono to be happy in poly but I need to go on this journey to satisfy myself that either I have done all I can and still I cant do poly or that once I have done the necessary work and experience that I find myself with a new fulfiling way of life. Your last question about whether I want poly in my life or just him and i'm trying to do whatever it takes to keep him - I honestly do not know the answer to that question - all I know is that I am giving it my best shot and I am prepared for either outcome.
 
While I agree that monogamy is not irrational, I think it helps to realize it is a social construct. In that sense we are brainwashed into believing monogamy is the way to go from birth.That doesn't make it wrong. At least you are looking into alternatives to make an informed decision.

"Enough" is a monogamous concept. That's part of the conditioning. It can be tough to let go of all you've been taught from birth. Whatever you decide is not a failure. The goal is to do you. If you can't be happy with non-monogamy, don't force it.
 
Following from your response to FallenAngelina, what I'd say is that there is always more one can do to see if it would make the difference and lead to them feeling content in a poly relationship but what about the time you spend doing it?

Supposing you're female, 30, and you want marriage and kids in your future. How long will you postpone those things while you try to get to a place where those things can happen in this relationship OR you realise it cant happen healthily in this relationship so you give up and try to find someone else. How long will you have to be in ^that^ relationship before you are in a place where you can consider those things? That could easily take 7 years. You would be 37 and then only trying to make those things a reality fighting against biology and all sorts.

So it isn't only about whether you want to make the effort or not, it's also about deciding how long you can dedicate to making it work without sacrificing your independent goals and desires
 
vinsanity0- I think you have given me the right way of saying what I am trying to do - 'conditioning'. I think I am trying to pick apart my monogamous conditioning to see if I can change that and to see if this helps make happy polyamoury possible. Also to see what part of these feelings etc are things fundamental about me that are unchangable and beliefs/thoughts that are changeable with new information and ways of looking at things.

Seasoned - I am female, in my 40s and already have kids with no desire for more. We have always been somewhat non-monogamous with mainly light swinging or more full on with a few carefully selected people over the last 5 years. I have enjoyed these experiences. M always said he would be ok to stop non-monogamy if it became too much for me. However, it is only a few months ago he realised that being momogamous was not an option for him and that now he wanted the opportunity to see women on his own. So this new situation is only a few months old and am in a better place than I was initially so I feel I could give it a years sincere effort - depending on how well it goes. When I have split up with people in the past I just knew without a shadow of doubt that it was the right time and the right thing to do, I do not have that yet in this situation which is why I have not pulled the plug. If it becomes the right time to throw in the towel, based on past experience I will know.

Also, just to respond to something GalaGirl said before about me perhaps not being ready to poly date yet - seeing my other guy (M) actually really helps me deal with the situation as it means I am getting something out of the situation rather that it all being about what my partner (B) wants. I go to see M forget about everything else and have a lovely time with a lovely person - I am very honest with him about everything and we basically concluded to take everything slow and light and agreed that as long as everyone is having fun and no one is getting hurt we are doing ok.
 
Tulip said:
Also, just to respond to something GalaGirl said before about me perhaps not being ready to poly date yet - seeing my other guy (M) actually really helps me deal with the situation as it means I am getting something out of the situation rather that it all being about what my partner (B) wants. I go to see M forget about everything else and have a lovely time with a lovely person - I am very honest with him about everything and we basically concluded to take everything slow and light and agreed that as long as everyone is having fun and no one is getting hurt we are doing ok.
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So it sounds like M is a good thing in your life (it really helps, by the way, to use full nicknames instead of initials, just so other people on the board can keep track of the characters in your story better). Does having him as a good thing make B “not enough” for you? I would say no, it sounds like he’s a lovely *addition* to your life - just like B’s other (future? Unclear as to his active relationships right now, sorry) partners add to his life. But then I think I’m not a person that believes in “enough”, when it comes to love - more is more, as long as I’m not neglecting any of my loved ones’ needs.
 
Would you like to be "enough" for someone? How do you tell, that you are "enough"?

Do you know this feeling of someone "putting you down by being who he is" - have you ever experienced the same feeling? Ask yourself, and see if a memory comes up.

(If this is not a new feeling for you, you might have to revisit the previous situations.)
 
icesong said:
So it sounds like M is a good thing in your life (it really helps, by the way, to use full nicknames instead of initials, just so other people on the board can keep track of the characters in your story better). Does having him as a good thing make B “not enough” for you? I would say no, it sounds like he’s a lovely *addition* to your life - just like B’s other (future? Unclear as to his active relationships right now, sorry) partners add to his life. But then I think I’m not a person that believes in “enough”, when it comes to love - more is more, as long as I’m not neglecting any of my loved ones’ needs.
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Besides realizing monogamy is social conditioning, this type of thinking also helped me tremendously. Taking a step back from my insecurities to realize that if I could do this without losing feelings for my long term partner, she could do it as well.
 
Vinsanity said:
Taking a step back from my insecurities to realize that if I could do this without losing feelings for my long term partner, she could do it as well.
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I think "not necessarily." Realizing you can do it means realizing you can do it. The other person? May or may not able to do same.

I know a poly guy who was dating this gal and she was more "serial" relationship style. As soon as the new partner arrived, she cooled on the old BF. When he was the new guy he watched her cool off on the old guy. And then? It happened to him. She cooled off on him when she started with the next new guy. Then he saw it happen to the next person. So while she called herself poly she was more serial or NRE junkie or something else... still figuring herself out. Which happens sometimes. She said she could... but actions showed she had a hard time.

However if the person says they can, and their actions demonstrate they can... Tulip, you realizing that you can date both your partners and care about them both maybe help you update your beliefs surrounding relationship because you can understand your partner's side more after personal experience with it.

Tulip -- it sounds like you know what you want to do and can articulate it better.

  • You are not at a clear cut "break up place." So you are willing to try poly for a year. Like and N model -- you have your other partner, and he has his.
  • During that time you will do some soul searching and learning to...
    • Decide what kind of Open Models you are up for and which you are not. (ex: NSA sex or swinging or poly or what.)
    • Decide what beliefs/thoughts about relationships you have that fundamental about you that are not going to change.
    • Decide what beliefs/thoughts about relationships might be changeable with new information and new ways of looking at things.

Are the initial agreements you have with your partner rational, reasonable, and healthy ones?

How else can people on the forum help you?

Galagirl
 
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I know that many people who are struggling with a new poly relationship, think, "What's in it for me if my partner is dating someone else (and I'm not?)"

And so they think they should get another partner too, or even, mistakenly believe they should get to "share" their partner's OSO.

What do I get out of being poly with my gf, even when I am not lucky enough to be dating someone else every moment as well?

I get more me-time! Time for my hobbies, time for my TV shows, time to eat foods I like that she doesn't, time for my friends, time to clean house or do yardwork without her underfoot, time to masturbate as much as I want. You name it.

And when she's away, and comes back, she might have interesting stories to tell me.

Basically, we both treat our times apart like any other time apart. Like a time when one of us goes to see family or friends on their own. Like a business trip. We come back from said visits or trips a more interesting experienced person. And the time apart make the reunions sweet, and may even keep our relationship fresher and more exciting.
 
GalaGirl – Thanks for the summary that was really useful. And yes, it does help to have M and see how I can have feeling for both partners. But, like you said I’m yet to have it ‘proved’ to me how B will be in this respect. In fact, I think part of my worries is that B left his ex girlfriend for me – they had an open relationship and there were some major issues in there relationship. He identitfies a particular incident many months before he met me as ‘the beginning of the end’. However, the fact remains that once he fell in love with me all his romantic feeling for her vanished. So clearly I have seen this sitation with him happen before so that scares me in my fearful moments even though I know our relationship, situation and everything are very different from theirs.

As to what type of situation I want – I would like to be polyamourous, in terms of having another meaningful, loving relationship. However, at the moment the thought of him doing the same is way to threatening for me and I know this is unreasonable and unfair but I am just being completely honest. Also he is more polysexual than polyamourous and whats variety, so what I am hoping is that he is able to find people to have friends with benefits type situations with rather than long term love relaionships. And in fact he has said that he doesnt want whole other relationships and that he can be polysexual and I can be polyamourous. However, I am fully aware that that might be unfair and that you cant make rules about feelings and one of his friends with benefits might become more than that, and I would have to deal with that situation if and when it should arise. Hopefully, if it every does arrive, we will be much further on in our non monogamy journey and I will be in a better place to deal with it and his non monogamy skills will be in a better place, because at the moment he needs to work on this.

Our initial agreements are good but without going into detail as I don’t want to be to recognizable, he is having to be more patient than he would like to be (which is in part due to the other lady involved) and making hurtful mistakes at times.

And as to how the forum could help, everytime I have posted people here have been great with different perspectives and advice and pointing me in the right direction, I have found it invaluable. I think I do a lot of reading of other threads although at times I have to stop as some of the situations that occur are heartbreaking and very scary for me to read, so it depends on how strong I am feeling. So, yes, I think I feel like its somewhere I can come when I need a poly perspective on realtionship beliefs/thoughts that may come up that I want to look at, like on this thread, and also if specific situations happen that I am struggling with and need help. It’s a great place and hopefully one day I will be able to help others with my own experience ☺
 
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Magdlyn - Thanks for the reminder to look at the other advantages too - although I don't lack time to myself at the moment - I lack company, partly because I am very socialable and love being around people, so a bit of different circumstance. Mostly I like that he is happier and nicer to be around on the whole and I can see other advantages as we go along as long as we manage to avoid poly hell type sitatuations!
 
Kdt - I did start reading that 'not enough' thread but it was painful to read about the poor lady who didnt think she was enough and also a lot of the initially replies where about how it was all about her improving her self esteem which isn't relevant to my situtaion as I know I am more than enough for any normal monogamous leaning man. But, I will take another look to see if there are any golden nuggets in there that will help - thanks!! :)
 
I just had a thought, which has been brought on by this thread and thinking about my replies. B has always joked that I needed more than one man and that he needs help to cope with me both because of my capacity to love and my sex drive - so I guess what he has always been saying, in an affectionate, positive way, is that actually I am too much for him, too much for one man to handle - the guy I was seeing before him said a similar thing actually - thats part of the reason why I've always knowed I am more than enough for any man. So actually he isnt telling me I am not enough he is actaully been telling me i am too much to handle on his own :) So I think, somewhere in reacognizing that I may have just answered my own question and made myself feel a lot happier :) Thanks everyone for everything! xx
 
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