Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion

Redpepper said:
Well the jury is out on that. I don't think the monogamous members here would agree.
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MonoVCPHG said:
Some artists paint all humanity with the same color of their own internal workings, usually because they can't imagine anything different from themselves. That's just as natural as monogamy or non-monogamy

I guess the animals that are monogamous go to some pretty fancy schools.
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nycindie said:
GS is talking about natural as opposed to enculturated. Monogamy is taught.
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Yes, potentially worthwhile hijack. I don't know if we have a thread focused on this or not. If not, maybe we should. It's a very important topic/concept.

But yes, although it is a broad, sweeping generalization, the jury is in fact in, from an overall perspective. And of course, there are always exceptions to any general rule, but an exception doesn't make a rule.
 
In cultures where food, belongings and child rearing are shared, sex is shared amongst the group. In societies where there is more of a sense of ownership, hoarding and individuality, men own their wives and have a sense of possession of their wives' vaginas. They also see their offspring as their possessions. These cultures are polygynous (or "monogamous" with much cheating). Men who sleep around and cheat and pay for prostitutes are seen as studs. Women who sleep around or are paid as sex workers are seen as sluts, fallen women, depraved and hysterical. Homosexual men are seen as weak, and lesbians are invisible.

It seems to me, even though our current culture is not hunter/gatherer or horticultural, current feminist thought, and reliable birth control allows for a return to women being autonomous and feeling a sense of entitlement to make the choice whom to fuck.
 
pete said:
After a lot of working up to the topic, I talked to the wife of 35 years and explained the feelings I had. It went pretty good.
Gawd, how I care for her and want her to understand!
Trying to understand it myself. I started doing research and was shocked at how poly feelings are just what I was telling her how I felt. Open and honest relationships among and between adults. Sex as "cheating" does not fit.
I'm not having sex with anyone other than with my wife. Nor is there necessarily another particular woman I'm attracted to, although there have been some arousing moments that felt perfectly right.
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Congratulations on the successful talk! Read, read, read and talk some more! :)
 
GroundedSpirit said:
Mono, I know you refused to read that but you really should. Lot of interesting sociology information in there besides the sexual parts, stuff that a lot of people know instinctively, but forget because of the current culture we live in.
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From what little I have been exposed to, I think it holds some very valid and interesting historical insight. Honestly, I am just not that into reading about this topic from any perspective. It's nothing personal against this book. I'm a history buff, but more of a pre-gunpowder warfare fan.
 
How Do You Bring This Up With a "True Mono"?

Okay, as a woman who loves both genders and all variations thereof, but strongly prefers vaginas to penises, I am facing a dilemma. I am in a mono relationship with the world's most mono guy. He is older and very traditional in a lot of ways, and I know that contributes to his attitudes in this area. But he has more or less said that his idea of a good relationship (for him) is one man, one woman, no additionals, no vees, no swinging.

Now, he has been cheated on in the past by an ex-wife. And while I think that this behavior is deplorable on her part, I am having a hard time accepting the idea that I can never, ever, ever have a female partner again.

Any suggestions as to how to bring this up to him and what to say to get him to understand that I am not dissatisfied with him as a lover, just that I want a little gender variety?

I am afraid he will take it really personally, as a rejection of who he is and his ability to take care of me sexually and emotionally, if I request to have female partners.

I love him to pieces. But I just don't know how to approach this without hurting his feelings. And that's the worse part; it will hurt him, ot make him mad. Mad, I could deal with. But I HATE hurting his feelings.
 
Erosa said:
As a woman who loves both genders and all variations thereof, but strongly prefers vaginas to penises...
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Don't show him this! It would do nothing for his ego or sense of not being enough.

Based on how you describe your boyfriend, I think you will have to take a risk to get a possible gain. If I were you, I would focus on just how completely different sexuality with a woman is. You want to explain that this is like comparing apples to oranges. Men are like apples-- tonnes of variety, but essentially the same fruit. Women, on the other hand, are oranges, and there is absolutely no comparison to be made with apples.

I've gone through this with my ex-wife. Ultimately it didn't work for me, but I gave it a shot. I think it could have worked given a better foundation with her. Is your foundation with this man solid?

Is he worth continuing with if he says no?

Maybe find some movies that deal with this and see how he responds to them. Usually people talk about the movies they see. Perhaps you can get a feel for his reaction that way. Then you can teasingly approach the topic. Some questions cannot be unasked.
 
I think you need to start respecting your own orientation, and not place yourself in relationships that you know are impossible for you to maintain in the first place.

I'm not criticizing: I'm at the tail-end of going through this myself. I knew deep-down when I married my soon-to-be ex the following:
1. Even though it was only supposed to be a "marriage on paper," he would eventually take liberties, grow possessive and twist it into something more traditional.
2. It was unrealistic after my awakening to expect myself to go back to sleep and somehow will the truth away... un-shoot the gun, so-to-speak. I would eventually recognize surfacing needs and be stifled and miserable, or have no choice but to cheat and/or leave. It would become a bone of contention if I didn't fight for myself or end it then.

I chose unwisely.

You have entered a situation where you are now asking a mono to give up his sexual orientation so you can meet yours. You knew what your limitations were and still agreed to the current terms of the relationship with the mono. You need to be prepared to respect his limitations and either suck it up and go hungry, or leave before the bitterness poisons you both.

This is tricky. I wish you lots of love and strength.
 
How/when to bring up an interest in poly?

Hello all,

I've been interested, but never active, in poly relationships. Let's just say, there isn't really any scene for that where I'm living. Also I've never been involved in a very long-term relationship. 2 years is the longest I've done. and I've been happy with one person for that short time. So I guess I could be mono, but I doubt it. I firmly believe we are not meant for long-term monogamy.

Two months ago I started a long-distance relationship with a guy I met in February of this year. The distance is annoying, but otherwise it's fantastic. NRE abounds.

Here's my dilemma: he is all I am interested at the moment and likely for some time to come. I'm not looking; I'm very happy now.

I am pretty sure he has never heard of polyamory. I think I could have a long future with him. I need to say something to him about my interest in polyamory, at some point. Otherwise it's "false advertising" or something. I would like to be open, but it's very early days and in no way would I want him to feel that I was unsatisfied. Am I obliged to disclose that I'm theoretically poly, or that I might eventually be interested in having a sexual relationship with someone else? If so, when?

If you were in my shoes, what would you do, especially since I'm not even sure that if he insisted on mono that it would be a dealbreaker for me?

Thanks for listening!
 
Make sure he's listening to Dan Savage's podcast. With all the non-monogamy stuff Dan's talking about these days, once you bring up the idea of not being exclusive, it won't seem so emotionally charged or out of left field.

Worked for us. Seriously.
 
Well, if I was in your gentleman caller's shoes, I would like to know if polyamory were a possibility for me, even if you have not acted on it. As the relationship is quite new, I don't know if you need to bring it up immediately. However, as things evolve and get more serious (if they do), it should be put on the table.

P.S. Geeked out I got to use gentleman caller in a post!
 
Yeah, I think listening to some stuff on Dan Savage could be good. Or just buy the book Sex At Dawn and read it in front of him. (This worked for me with my girlfriend.)

It could go a few ways, though. He could be totally uninterested and not notice the hints. He could get the hints and be repulsed and leave. Or he could get it and start asking you questions.

Then maybe he would go through a transition period, where he has to deal with the new realities of your relationship. If this happens, I'd guess he would stay around, and then you two would go through a negotiation period. If this happens, you are onto a winner.

In my limited experience with my girlfriend, she had to go through a kind of mourning process for our monoamorous relationship, before she came around to the idea. This can be unpleasant, but at least you are doing the right thing. if he can't deal with the realities of life, I guess it's just his problem. Good luck!
 
Thanks!

Yes, I think a steady diet of Dan might be a good idea. Now I just need to wrestle my copy of Sex at Dawn back off the friend who has had it for months. 🙃

As a sideline to my main question, I wondered about how to deal with my lovers.

Before I met Gentleman Caller (hilarious AND apt), I had two casual, occasional lovers for over a year. Let's call them Matt and Rob. Rob is married and lives in a different country. With Matt, it was kind of a friendly NSA set-up. With Rob it is a mentor-type relationship, with some great sex thrown in. Matt is a little bit younger and tends to blow hot-and-cold a lot, gets close for a while, loses interest (perhaps pursuing someone else) then gets back in touch. I accepted it because it worked for me, and he is very honest.

Since things got serious with GC, both Rob and Matt are more interested. They have both been important to me, and I don't want to simply drop them. I could probably continue sexual relationships with them and it would not affect how I feel about GC. But that would not be fair to GC. It would hurt him if he found out. It would not be honest and I don't want to go there.

However, I'm reluctant to "come clean" about GC, because some decades of experience tell me that arrangements like I have with Rob and Matt are more stable in the long term than the big love relationship.

Basically, I feel really great about GC, but I fear putting all my eggs in one basket.
 
Hi Wannabe,

In this situation, I would want to mention that polyamory might be important in the future. The earlier you mention it, the easier it will be.

If he gives you an ultimatum, mono or nothing, the sooner you face that, the better it will be for your future.

If he leaves you totally, feeling you are dodgy for even thinking of such a thing, then that is part of who you are, and the sooner you know, the better.

But none of that is why I would tell (even though all of that is true). I would say so as soon as possible so that I do not have the feeling that I am keeping something back. I do not want a relationship where I have a secret, as secrets kept over time tend to feel like guilty secrets. In short, I would tell him. It would be a lady caller for me, and I would tell her as soon as possible, for my benefit, not mainly for hers.

Just my take on it.
 
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