Don't know if I should stay or go.

S

STBF

New member
Hello. My wife and I have been polyamorous for just under 2 years now. She was the one who suggested the idea. My reasons for agreeing with her suggestion are sort of complicated. (I'll explain below.) She began dating soon after. I met my gf in February of this year, 10 months ago.

My dilemma is that I'm unsure if I want to maintain my two relationships. These feelings only really came up soon after I started dating my gf, so I don't know if it's just limerence or something else. I am also at an age where I could be going through a mid-life crisis. Those are some of the reasons why I'm so hesitant to divorce my wife. Also, I still love her a lot, and I hate the thought of hurting her with a break-up. We have 2 daughters that will be affected.

My relationship with my gf is lacking in drama.

Another factor to consider (this is the big one) is that for most of my life, I've been very emotionally needy and completely reliant on external validation. I believe that the root cause of this was my mother, who has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Before I moved away from her, she would psychologically abuse me on a daily basis.

I remember that when I first started dating my gf, the appeal of polyamory was quite simple: more people to love. This most likely doesn't sound like a bad thing to any of you guys, but try to understand that this was coming from the thought process of a person with severe codependency and self-esteem issues.

It was pretty soon after I started dating my gf that I also began working on my own emotional problems. I hit a point in the start of October (two months ago), where I was no longer as reliant on other people to build up my confidence or make me happy.

I feel like quite a different person now. What sort of complicates things is that I feel incredibly muddled up when it comes to my marriage and my relationship with my gf. Since I've become so much more independent, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship anymore.

Any thoughts on this?
 
So what you're saying is, after some self-discovery, you'd like to dump both of them and start over from the standpoint of the "new you"?

After your mother was diagnosed, did anyone encourage you to talk with a therapist about the abuse you suffered? Have you been treated for that?
What does your wife think of the "new you"? Have you talked to her about these new feelings and the possibility of divorce?
 
If these are both solid, happy relationships, why do you want to leave? It's great that you've realized you don't NEED them to be happy, but that doesn't mean they aren't wonderful things to have in your life, yeah?

What do you think you will gain from being single versus what you stand to lose in terms of love, family, and support?
 
If you are unsure, don't act and hurt everyone. You may be going thru a midlife crisis and regret your decision.
 
Congratulations on your growth. I'm sure it has been a hard road to travel. If you're not already doing so, I suggest counseling to help sort out your feelings and relationships.
 
Bathory68 said:
If you are unsure, don't act and hurt everyone. You may be going thru a midlife crisis and regret your decision.
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Great advice! I've acted on new emotion and thoughts far too quickly in the past. With a little time, things can look and feel much differently.
 
What I hear is that you have discovered your own autonomy and independence, so therefore don't need a relationship, or two, and that you want to go it alone. That seems extreme to me. Perhaps you should consider finding a balance instead. We all need companionship at some point, and you will be devoid of that if you say goodbye to perfectly good relationships.

I have two (well, four, actually) partners, and I am completely autonomous and not the least bit co-dependent with them. I love spending time with them, but have made sure that the time I spend is not out of obligation. That is a balancing act, as they also need to spend time with me, so I do my best to weigh up where I am at and act accordingly. I consider myself independent and free to do what I want, with some boundaries we have discussed at great length.

Congrats on your newfound self. Take your time and see where you are, what you feel, in a year. It has only been a couple months, and you are still getting to know what the new you is. Why not recruit your loves in discovering who you are? They might like that, even get really inspired by you and excited for you. Besides, there is no reason why you can't set different boundaries and ask for more alone time to pursue other interests. We don't spend all our time with our loves; there is other stuff to do in life.

I do burlesque and sing. My partners are my greatest and most cherished supporters. They don't always come to see me, but it's enough to know that they love me enough to step back and let me do my thing. Why? Because I give them tons in return. :)
 
I feel like quite a different person now. What sort of complicates things is that I feel incredibly muddled up when it comes to my marriage and my relationship with my gf. Since I've become so much more independent, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship anymore.
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Hi, STBF. Congratulations on your changes! Becoming independent and loving yourself first is so important. It takes A LOT for someone to come out of the emotional struggles you say you have surpassed. But you didn't do it alone. Of course you feel like a different person now; you have two people that have probably been stable and emotionally supportive to you as you are changing, growing, evolving into a better person. :)

Speaking from the GF side of things (and I am actually experiencing a similar situation now), I would recommend you first and foremost give some appreciation and acknowledgement to your wife and GF for their giving and support. Love heals. It sounds like the love you received from your GF and wife may have helped give you the strength to face what you had to, to work on your emotional problems.

I would maybe have conversations about how you are starting to feel. If they love you and have encouraged you thus far to grow and change into this "new person," I am sure they will do all they can to understand where you are right now, and give you the space you need. To throw all of that away so quickly seems abrupt and selfish. I am not saying they are both whom you are supposed to be with in the near or distant future, but take the time to handle this re-evaluation with maturity and your new insights.

If you have learned anything from what they have given you, so you could get to where you are, it is the act of giving. Give time and attention to yourself. Give the wife and GF respect and appreciate their help and care for you. It is in the giving that we receive.

Best to you and your ascent out of the muddle.
 
Yes, I have a therapist. He advised that I think hard about this for six to eight months before making a choice. It's been two months.

My wife and gf have been very supportive, kind and helpful. They're both happy about my overall changes. I appreciate that I have both of them in my corner, and that's why I feel very guilty for thinking about leaving them. It is selfish, and this is coming from somebody that has been selfishly selfless for most of my life.

My wife doesn't want a divorce. She has been trying very hard to get me to talk about this decision (we've already gone over all of it multiple times). Her background and personality are far more stable than my own, so it's been very difficult for us to connect when we do have our talks.

It was my gf who suggested that I might be going through a MLC. Her ex-husband went through a MLC which ended their marriage, so she can spot all the signs. I've done a little bit of research and this theory is quite possible.

I understand that it doesn't seem very rational to split up. That's why I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I think that dingedheart and redpepper are very close to what I'm thinking, though. The logic that I am running on is sort of like this-- ending these relationships would be like cutting off a gangrenous limb. Certain aspects of my past being this gangrenous limb.

I just have this very strong feeling that if I do end both relationships, there would be a sort of finality to all of this. No idea why.

Would it be okay if you told me more about your current situation, SoulRising?
 
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Did you have trouble adjusting to your wife's dating? What were her reasons for wanting to open up the marriage?

So what I hear you saying is-- now, as the newly-changed person, you wouldn't have necessarily selected them, or perhaps no way would you have selected them. You've found a new "type," so to speak. Maybe they have personalities similar to your mother or something, and you need distance from that.

I think the therapist is right on the time assessment. What's the rush?
 
I don't really know how I feel about my wife dating. I've never really had any strong opinions about anything, throughout my entire life, so this is new to me. I can safely say that I don't feel bad about what she does. I don't really enjoy it that much, either. I'm in the middle, atm.

The main reason why she brought up polyamory was that she has the type of personality where she has to have new and exciting experiences. If you look at it in a negative way you could say that she is never content with what she has.

My wife's and gf's personalities are not like my mothers. I'd be out in a second if there was a resemblance. No middle ground.

I think that you are getting closer to what I'm thinking, dinged. (You're really good at this.) I'm questioning how much I genuinely love both of them vs how much of my feelings are just unhealthy emotional attachment that stem from my past codependency problems.

I also want to "go out and be free" as a single man. Ever since I started dating at 17, I've never been single. This could be part of my MLC. If I'm having a MLC.

There's no rush. I'll be waiting until mid-2012 before making a concrete decision.
 
Sounds like you may need a Walkabout.

There's nothing inherently wrong with taking some time out to find yourself. And, there's nothing to say that you can't return some day. The risk is that once you've taken that path, when you return, their paths may have diverged enough from yours that you're not really able to walk together again.

It's going to be a tough decision. I wish you the best.
 
My bf struggles with anxiety issues. He has overcome most of them, and we have gotten to the root of what causes them through many many conversations and a lot of ups and downs. But overall, it makes him feel as you say-- through his growth and change, he has said that he sometimes wants to go away and leave us both, start anew. He says he knows he really doesn't want to do that, but sometimes his anxiety makes him feel like that. We are giving him the space he needs to find himself more and more, and he is seeking help for the anxiety.

There is nothing wrong with finding yourself, finding new passions and opinions in life, and walking on a good and new path. You have found independence and freedom from some internal chains. That's fantastic.

Question: if you are in a polyamorous situation, with the love and support you get from your wife and GF, couldn't you do some exploring and independent living/enjoyment within the world that you have created? Isn't that one of the great things about polyamory?

And you have a wife and 2 children. If you were fighting and living in an abusive situation, I would say leave now! But it doesn't seem that way. I just think you have more digging internally to do to find out about yourself more. Maybe find out what makes you feel like this about these supportive people in your life. You might be harboring some resentment towards one, and it has not been disclosed yet. You might be missing that "drama" that you used to experience in your old, unhealthy relationship with your mother. So why not keep figuring yourself out, and be more independent while you are in a supportive structure/environment?

I have to agree with BigGuy. If you take that walk solo, and drop the wife, gf, and loving family environment, they in turn may not be there when you return. Maybe in the next few months try taking a break from the two. Can you get away, take a mini hiatus, and see how you are? Maybe you just need a little time to breathe independently and assess the entire situation from a clear, new head. If they love and support you, I don't see why they wouldn't give you that time.

BTW, I have found, being polyamorous, that soooo much communication exists. We have pow-wows where we hash out a lot of things. I find that when talking, we dig up old, unresolved stuff, and put a little attention and loving care into it. It seems that by doing that, we have helped to heal some sore spots in our pasts, just by talking about them. After that, there never seems to be an issue anymore. It's amazing. It's like sped-up group therapy in your own home!
 
I could take a month or so off. A mini-Walkabout.

Realistically, you're right. If I leave, I wouldn't expect my partners to wait for me. I'm okay with that.

Life goes on. People move on.
 
SoulRising said:
My bf struggles with anxiety issues. He has overcome most of them, and we have gotten to the root of what causes it through many many conversations and alot of ups and downs. But overall, it makes him feel as you say...through his growth and change he has said that he sometimes wants to go away and leave us both, start anew. He says he knows he really doesn't want to do that, but sometimes his anxiety makes him feel like that. We are giving him the space he needs to find himself more and more. and he is seeking help for the anxiety.

There is nothing wrong about finding yourself, finding new passions and opinions in life, and walking on a good and new path. You have found indepedence and freedom from some internal chains. Thats fantatic.
Question...If you are in a Poly situation, with the love and support you get from your wife and GF, couldn't you do some exploring and independent living/enjoyment within the world that you have created? Isn't that one of the great things about Poly?
And, you have a wife and 2 children. If you were fighting and living in an abusive situation, I would say leave now! but it doesn't seem that way. I just think you have more digging internally to do to find out about yourself more. Maybe find out what makes you feel like this about these supportive people in your life. You may be harboring some resentment towards one and its not disclosed yet. You may be missing that "drama" that you used to experience in your old, unhealthy relationship with mom.
So why not keep figuring yourself out and be more independent while you are in a supportive structure/environment?

I have to agree with BigGuy. If you take that walk solo, and drop the wife, gf, and loving family environment, they in turn may not be there when you return. Maybe in the next few months try taking a break from the two (can you get away) take a mini hiatus, and see how you are? Maybe you just need a little time to breathe independently and assess the entire situation from a clear, new head. If they love and support you, i don't see why they wouldnt give you that time.

BTW, I have found being Poly that soooo much communication exists, we have pow-wows, and we hash out a lot of things. I find that when talking, we dig up old, unresolved stuff, and we put a little attention and love/caring on it. It seems in by doing that, we have helped to heal that sore spot in their past, just by talking about it. After that, it never seems to be an issue anymore. Its amazing. It's like sped up group therapy in your own home!
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Ha, just learnt how to quote. I can't believe that I didn't see this button.

No, my relationships aren't abusive.

For now, I'll continue talking with my gf and wife, and enjoying our time together. I'll see how I feel in a couple of months.

It sucks that it's all kind of on me now, but that's how things are.
 
STBF, it's great that you've worked through a lot of your issues from your family of origin and feel less needy and co-dependent. However, you are where you are-- you've got two women and two girls who love you and enjoy your presence in their lives. I assume you love all four of them, as well.

You chose your wife (who is balanced and healthy) and your gf, who I assume is also fairly mature and healthy. Your daughters did not chose you; they are dependent on your presence and care. In other words, you still have a responsibility to all these people. They don't deserve to be left in your dust.

Sure, take a vacation on your own, if you want. (Personally I've got a primary gf and two male lovers, and I'm just wrapping up a vacation of 10 days duration without any of them. I had a fantastic time, but now I feel homesick and can't wait to get back to all three of them, and my son.) Absence may make the heart grow fonder, once you have some alone time and reassess the value your family brings to your life.

Interdependence does not equal codependency.
 
I think, having found polyamory, you do not need to dump your two. The advantage of polyamory is that you can find another to meet your new needs that you may have and still enjoy what you currently have. If both of your current loves are happy with your changes, that's great. I cannot see how you are in a losing situation right now, except in your own head. Continue with the love and support from your current loves and keep an eye out to what another might bring.
 
Yeah. They're both mentally healthy. None of them "deserve" this. That's why I don't want to rush anything.

I could wait until my twin daughters are 18, in 2 years. Even then, there is never a good time to divorce, so I don't think that would help too much.
 
STBF,

Thank you for clarifying that your daughters are in their teens; that is an important part of this picture. I think that there are several other important parts to this picture that we cannot see yet.

Could you describe what you are feeling for each of the women in your life? You said that this might just be limerence (I would assume with your GF), which seems to say that you are very invested in that relationship. You also say that leaving these relationships would be like cutting off a gangrenous limb, which seems to imply that staying would somehow kill you inside. Perhaps kill off this new you? I am a bit confused about what you actually feel for each woman, and that is something we would need to know to be able to help you think through things more fully.

Another thing that would help is to know what you think would be different/better without your partners in your life. Are you afraid of going back to your old dependent ways? Do you just not see the point of the relationships now that you no longer have the deep need for external validation? Are you looking for more freedom and experience? Okay, I will stop putting words in your mouth, but if we don't know what your needs are we will have a hard time offering useful advice.

That being said, I will offer what thoughts I can with the information I have. One of the freeing things about polyamory is that you are not constrained to the typical relationship roles and dynamics. If you choose to stay with your wife, you can do so on different terms than you have had in the past. As she is the mother of your children, you will continue to have a relationship of some form with her for the rest of your life, whether that relationship is occasional contact at weddings, etc., as live-together friends and partners, or any number of styles of romantic relationship. It would likely be a painful process to separate completely, so I would recommend you look at ways you could have your needs met by renegotiating your boundaries. You may find that she is willing to give you the space you need to discover yourself without cutting ties completely.

I wish you well,
Liberum
 
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