Newbies need triad help

J

jeffnmeg

New member
Hey,

My name's Megan. I've been with my partner Jeff for a few years now. I have discussed the idea of a threesome relationship with him, and I really want to give it a shot, but every time we meet a girl, it seems she's interested in both of us at first, until we try to set a date with her, and then she reveals that she is only interested in me. What should we do about this? We want to find someone who may want a serious relationship, but they all seem to be acting like they want one just to get to me. Jeff has started to get offended slightly because he feels they are acting interested in both of us just to get to me.
 
Well, we look for women who say they are interested in couples, and share some things in common with us, but once we make contact, they seem to change their minds about being with both of us, and just want to be with me. I don't know how to screen out anyone. Our profiles on dating sites clearly states that "We come as a couple, so no men or other couples, only single women," and yet we get women talking us up for a while and then at the last minute telling us they only are interested in me.
 
In my opinion it's very, very difficult for a 'third' to meet a couple for whom they share equal connection to both partners. I think it's important to allow each new 'couple' to develop their relationship at its own pace.

How are you meeting these new people? Who is making the initial contact with them and carrying on the conversation with them before you set your dates? If these women are primarily interacting with you, maybe they are just not as comfortable with Jeff as quickly as you and they hesitate at being with him because of it.
 
We are meeting them on a dating site, at our local bar and through friends. Both of us are making contact with them.
 
Maybe try and date separately. It's usually what works better in the long run, anyway. Dating a couple, or dating as a couple, is a nice fantasy, but is daunting and overwhelming, in the long run, for most.

Do a search for "triad" to read more about what to expect.
 
Look at it this way: how many mono married (or long-term partnered) MF couples do YOU know where you get along equally well with the guy and the woman? Or if they are gay, both guys, both women? When I think of couples I know, I almost always prefer one or the other. Sometimes I LOVE one of them and can hardly stand the other.

Usually, I prefer the woman, but there is at least one case where I love the guy but can't stand his wife. I've had to stop visiting them because I can't even have a decent conversation with the guy without his shallow needy materialistic wife barging in with non sequitors.

So, with romantic relationships, it's like this, only intensified. Sometimes a triad will work for a while, when new relationship energy is in place, hormones and sexuality are raging, but once that fades, the true affinity may settle on one or the other of the couple.

Most polyamorous people date independently.
 
Focus more on developing relationships/friendships with people individually, and you will probably have a better chance at meeting someone who is open to being poly with both of you. Try and meet people who do things you are interested in, out in your community. It sounds like you have been focused on the sex (i.e., calling it a threesome), and so it seems you are attracting people who have rather shallow goals and aren't being upfront at first about what they want.
 
Yes, it has to be a girl. My hubby is a straight man and I'm a bisexual woman, so it only makes sense to have a woman join us. Also, it isn't just about the sex to us, but I do see your point. I guess I've been putting the sex part of it upfront a bit more because I don't want to make good friends with someone and think it's going somewhere and have it turn out they never had sex on their mind.

Unfortunately, ALL of my female friends are straight and spoken for. lol. I also have a hard time finding new friends because I'm a mother of two, so I don't have much time to make new ones and Im sometimes quite awkward at first. But it's all things I can work on, so thank you for the advice!
 
jeffnmeg said:
I"ve been putting the sex part of it upfront a bit more because I don't want to make good friends with someone, and think it's going somewhere, and have it turn out they never had sex on their mind. I also have a hard time finding new friends because I'm a mother of two, so I don't have much time to make new ones.
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Well, it would seem that if you gain a new friend, and not a sexual partner, that would be a good thing, too, since you don't have many and it's hard for you to make friends. Don't be so focused on the goal of a playmate for the two of you.

It sounds like you have an easy time meeting potential girlfriends, and Jeff is waiting around for you to find them, and then expecting them to be with him, too. Ugh. Why can't you each pursue a gf or friend for yourselves separately, and just remain open to the possibility of them maybe being involved with both of you? You can have a gf, and he can have one too. They don't have to be the same person. What's wrong with that?
 
dingedheart said:
Wait, I know someone in Canada. Do you know much about fisting?
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Ugh! What the hell, dinged?

NYCindie, I bet there are reasons they want to "share" a woman. The number one fantasy for men is to have two women in bed. And if this is the OP's first foray into woman/woman contact, she might feel nervous and imagine she'd be less nervous with her male partner there.

But still, yeah, unicorn hunting is usually a futile pursuit for most.
 
Mags, I was thinking of a bi female who just so happens to live in Canada. And some of us know that word to be like catnip to that individual. Bottom line, it was a joke. :D Happy new year.
 
Ohh lol.

I'm okay with him having a girlfriend separately from me, but he's not ok with me having one separate from him. He had to be talked into the idea of him having another girlfriend. He felt it would be cheating, but now he's okay with it.
 
With him originally being opposed to the idea, is it possible he's giving off bad vibes whenever you guys meet new people? My gf used to be that way. I'm not sure she realized she was being cold, but she was. It is a possibility.
 
Well, I actually thought that might be it, but I've paid close attention to him, and over the past year, he has relaxed and is very cool and calm when we meet new women. I have learned that bars seem to be a bad place to meet women, because ALL women in this area seem to be bi and interested in the both of us when they are drinking and around other guys, but later on, when sober and on a "date" with us, they confess they are straight and not into a threesome.
 
jeffnmeg said:
Yes, it has to be a girl. My hubby is a straight man and I'm a bisexual woman, so it only makes sense to have a woman join us.
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I live with my two men and they get along nicely pleasing me when in a threeway situation. Who says they have to be intimate? Can't they just be into you and help each other out? Besides don't you know "the golden rule?" :p:D

dingedheart said:
Wait, I know someone in Canada. Do you much about fisting?
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All polite Canadians love fisting, don't ya know? :D
 
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