Why and how did you get into poly?

What type of poly origin did you have?

  • I've always had poly tendencies and never really took to monogamy

    Votes: 42 12.7%
  • I've always had poly tendencies and tried to be monogamous before

    Votes: 119 35.8%
  • I fell in love with a poly person and have adapted to the lifestyle

    Votes: 50 15.1%
  • I read or heard about someone else's poly experiences and thought it could work for me

    Votes: 42 12.7%
  • Other

    Votes: 79 23.8%

  • Total voters
    332
Oh. I never made any such conclusion about myself. I just reached a point in my life where I choose to have multiple, non-exclusive relationships. I don't ID as poly, I'm just a person. For me, living polyamorously is a practice.

Ah, but now you're just talking about semantics. At least for this discussion. I guess for you it could be reworded to "What led you to choosing multiple, non-exclusive relationships?"

I'm just trying to get more perspectives on things...


Bassman

Yes. America, at that, if it helps. :)
 
Ah, but now you're just talking about semantics. At least for this discussion. I guess for you it could be reworded to "What led you to choosing multiple, non-exclusive relationships?"
It isn't just semantics to me (on this issue).

What led me to living polyamorously was the end of my marriage. I'd always been happily monogamous before that, so I'm not one of those people who felt disgruntled or oppressed by so-called "enforced monogamy." The relationship ending just made me think more about my direction in life, how to connect with people and express my love, and how free I can be to create the kinds of relationships I find satisfying. For me it's more about asking myself what I want in order to be happy and then finding ways to manifest that.
 
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Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me.

An open relationship is not necessarily polyamory. It's not just about the sex.


But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex.

It's not just about the sex.

Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.

I don't watch Mad Men, but is there an openly poly couple on that show taking place in the early 60s, or is someone having an affair? That is not poly either.
But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.

Polyamory is about more than having a loving relationship with one primary and a "few minutes of lust" with someone else. It's about sharing your life with 2 or more people... dating, eating together, sharing hobbies, life stories, deep feelings, all your insecurities and challenges, worries about your parents or kids, etc etc. Also both of your lovers need to be on board, and, if not be friends, at least be polite and cordial and supportive with you being in relationship with each other, time sharing, dealing with the new relationship energy you will feel when first in love.

If you want to be basically mono, but just "get a little on the side," there are a whole different set of rules than being polyamorous entails.
 
I don't watch Mad Men, but is there an openly poly couple on that show taking place in the early 60s, or is someone having an affair? That is not poly either.

You should, it's a great show regardless of any of this. I am referring to the protagonist constantly having affairs, however.

Note that I would want that aspect of it, though. I don't want to lie or to hurt my partner, but having a wife and a girlfriend is very appealing. One of the things that appeals to me in Mad Men is that Don does seem to care about most of his partners, at least as much as he's able to. I don't want to just sleep around, but to experience other women.

Maybe it's not exactly the poly ideal, but again we're talking about semantics. Maybe I should reword it to use non-monogamy instead? I don't see the point of being so focused on the exact definition when I'm really just trying to find out how you came to your lifestyle... be it poly, open, or whatever.

I know poly is not just sex, but maybe my question isn't really about poly either. It's just trying to get more perspectives and view things from other angles.

If you want to be basically mono, but just "get a little on the side," there are a whole different set of rules than being polyamorous entails.

Ok, but you didn't answer the question. :)

Instead of telling me what polyamory is or isn't, can you tell me how you got here?
 
You know, when people explain distinctions to you, there is a reason for that. You come off as a bit dismissive to respond with "Oh, that's just semantics." How off-putting. It's not just semantics. Sure, there are threads here debating definitions and interpretations of certain words and phrases, which are just tedious exercises in futility - BUT when you ask people how they got came to live a certain way and your words about it seem to clash with the general understanding of it, we're going to point that out.

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term which ranges from cheating to swinging to open relationships to polyamory and whatever's in between. Polyamory is focused on loving romantic relationships, which for some people don't even have to include sex. Some people feel that being poly is part of their identity, while others feel it's a structure for relationships which they choose. We make very personal, meaningful choices when we engage in polyamorous relationships. Not sure, but you seem more interested in the sex. Get clear on what you're asking or no one would have to stress the differences to you. Do you want to know how people got to be polyamorous or open or what?
 
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You know, when people explain distinctions to you, there is a reason for that. You come off as a bit dismissive to respond with "Oh, that's just semantics." How off-putting. It's not just semantics.

Really? I've reworded my question twice. Once for you and once for Magdlyn... just to get the answer to the same basic question. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I'm trying to get other perspectives.

It's not always semantics, but in this case it really is. The question isn't "What is polyamory." It's "Why are you here today?" Frankly, repeatedly telling me that poly isn't just about sex or just _having_ to ensure I know you don't identify as poly comes off as a little defensive. Here we are arguing over the definition of poly when I just want to gain insight from your experiences that lead up to where you are now with regards to relationships.


Non-monogamy is an umbrella term which ranges from cheating to swinging to open relationships to polyamory and whatever's in between. Polyamory is focused on loving romantic relationships, which for some people don't even have to include sex.

Ok, but what does that have to do with my question? Why does "How did you get here" have to depend on a strict definition of the word polyamory? It's clear that you don't even think of poly the same way others here do... so why beat me up over a less-than-perfect usage of the term?


Not sure, but you seem more interested in the sex. Get clear on what you're asking or no one would have to stress the differences to you.

I could clear that up for you, but it doesn't matter for this question.

Do you want to know how people got to be polyamorous or open or what?


Yes. That is the question. How did you become polyamorous, or open, or whatever you feel you are right now in life?

You answered, and I liked your answer. It made me think. It made me think that I might not really taking steps towards my own happiness.

I asked how people came into polyamory because this is polyamory.com. So I said polyamory. It could have been non-monogamy, or open relationships, multiple non-exclusive relationships, or any number of other terms for what can be a slightly messy subject.
 
Frankly, repeatedly telling me that poly isn't just about sex or just _having_ to ensure I know you don't identify as poly comes off as a little defensive.
Oy, I think Mercury's in retrograde or something.

I don't care whether you know I don't ID as poly or not... you asked us how we reached our "conclusion," and I didn't know what conclusion you were talking about. You said you want to know how we realized we're polyamorous, and I answered that I don't see myself that way, and told you why. Then you say that's just semantics, which felt like a brush-off. I answered because I was already in a dialogue with you, not to "ensure" you know something about me. I'm certainly not the only person here who doesn't ID as poly, and it's not accurate to say that I "don't even think of poly the same way others here do." There are so many ways people are polyamorous but some general ideas (focus on love, not sex) that many would align themselves with.

And I wasn't beating you up - I was just letting you know that shrugging off our answers by saying we're focused on semantics seems dismissive, like what we had to say didn't matter. Not a good approach if you are asking us to say what's real for us. I am participating, want to answer your questions, but I think it is obvious both Mags and I simply needed to get clear on what you were saying and asking. How can anyone tell you "our experiences that [led] up to where [we] are now with regards to relationships" if we're talking about different things?

I asked how people came into polyamory because this is polyamory.com. So I said polyamory. It could have been non-monogamy, or open relationships, multiple non-exclusive relationships, or any number of other terms for what can be a slightly messy subject.
Right. And all of those terms you could have asked about would have garnered different responses - that's why specificity is important.

Considering that you did say you were rambly and "still working this out," you were a tad unclear or gave a different impression about the focus of your inquiry than you perhaps wanted. But now, because some of us asked and pointed certain things out, I think it's definitely more clear what kinds of responses you're looking for. You want to know the paths people have taken to whatever kind of non-monogamy we're into. Cool. Seems you want to know more about the thought processes, decision-making, and any internal wrestling that we've gone through than what place we're in now. I think I get it now. :cool: :)
 
You could go to the life stories and blogs section here to see the different ways people became poly, or open, or whatever, and how they practice it now. It's usually a long hard road for many people at first, and you'll see the variety of ways people have handled it in their blogs.

It varies a lot, depending on people's ages, whether they are in a couple or not, whether both partners are poly, or one is mono, whether they are straight, gay, bi or pansexual, whether there are kids in the mix, whether they are Christian, pagan or atheist, whether they are fully open or poly-fideltitous, whether they are seeing their partners regularly or are in long distance relationships, whether there has been cheating at first, or a careful thoughtful progression. Ad infinitum.
 
Hi Onoma, I actually like your question. I'd love to read a string of one-paragraph summaries of people's paths in their relationship lives. I'll give you mine. I stumbled across this board a couple of years ago when I was baffled by my strong romantic attraction to my friend L, in spite of loving my husband. Reading about polyamory, I recognized in myself a lifelong pattern of cheating/breakups/confusion when my "serial monogamy" as practiced by most young singles kept tending to overlap -loving one, I'd fall in love with another. I was relieved to read that that's just how some people tick, and that life can be lived with multiple love relationships, given enough hard work with communication and honesty, introspection and mutual respect. It has been tough, given my socially conservative monogamous husband (from India) but we have finally reached a place where I feel free and he still feels securely loved, and the profound honesty between has deepened our bond.
 
I've known I was poly...

I've known I was poly...since before the word was invented (in 1990, according to Wikipedia). I started reading Heinlein at a very young age (12 or so). Many of my views on sex and relationships were/are quite obviously Heinlein influenced. Before I met MrS, I was pretty much of the opinion that I wanted to have sex with whomever I wanted and loving friends and FWB but had no interest in the types of "relationships" modeled by my peers (and society at large)...then MrS happened and I eventually had to acknowledge that such a thing as "romantic love" actually existed...so I had to fit that in as well. 19 years later the miracle happened again, quite unlooked-for, and now we have Dude as well, all nestled in there...apparently these things just happen sometimes.:p

(I'm working on the longer version in my blog - 8 big posts and I am up to 16 years ago...)
 
I kind of fell into it. I have been mono all my life until about 1.5 years ago. I'd never thought about living out a poly relationship until I married my current husband 3 years ago. He wasn't poly, but he is bisexual. I always felt like asking him to never be with a man again because we were now married was selfish.

At first all we did was talk about it and we pretty much dismissed the idea. But he made friends with a co-worker who is poly and quite out and open about it. What seemed like a really weird arrangement to me at first kind of became less weird over time just from hearing about their life through my husband.

About 2 years ago, I decided 'to hell with it, let's try opening things up'. Why? Because I had noticed that my husband seemed to get more antsy and talked about his desires of being with men more and I could see him struggling. At first, it was him that sought out a male FWB. In time, that friend became my lover and he and I fell in love. I now refer to him as my boyfriend. I never expected this but I'm glad it happened...
 
In 2007, a couple months before my 21st birthday, I confessed to my boyfriend of over three years (who I had been blissfully monogamous with the entire time) that I was having a hard time turning down the advances of an attractive guy at school. The guy wasn't being pushy or harassing, but he was making himself unquestionably available, and I wanted to give in. I had been reading articles about cheating online at night, and stumbled across the suggestion that I talk with my partner about it, so I did.

We agreed that I could sleep with the guy, once, and that I would share all the details with my boyfriend, and decide from there whether we wanted to open our relationship up to strictly sexual encounters with other people. I did, and we decided we were okay with opening up.

I didn't expect to fall in love with another person. It was a hard time reassuring my first guy that I wasn't going to leave him and didn't feel anything less for him. Being the internet junkie that I am, it didn't take long for the word "polyamory" to start popping up in my article readings. Once I discovered it, though, it helped me and my guys out so much, and I'm so glad the communities (and the word "polyamory") exist for jsut that reason.

The relationship with the first guy unfortunately ended as we discovered that we wanted different things in life. I'm still "with" the second guy and have a handful of lover-friends in different places. Most of them are curious about this "polyamory" thing, but for the most part don't see the need to call what we have anything more than a close friendship that sometimes includes sex.
 
I don't fully identify as polyamorous. I describe myself as ethically non-monogamous. The reason is that I have yet to have more than one loving relationship at a time. I'm currently seeing people casually. However I believe myself to be 'poly-capable'. Of course I won't know for sure until I am in more than one loving relationship. So my answer would be I still don't know.
 
It was about a year ago when I became interested in my (now-ex) boyfriend's best friend. I was feeling torn between having to choose between them and told them that I wanted to date both of them. A big mess happened, but I decided to stay with my boyfriend and just be friends (with emotional attachment) to his best friend. I knew that I was poly then, but I thought I could suppress it. Now, I don't know.

Funny thing is, something extremely similar happened when I had just started my first relationship when I was 15. How I got there was much more convoluted, but basically I was also crushing hard on my then-boyfriend's best friend and I wished that I didn't have to choose. For a time felt that I didn't have to, but then I saw how much it was hurting him, kicked myself mentally and decided that I had a previous commitment to my (then) boyfriend, and to stop being immature and insensitive towards him.

Heh...
 
I was with my primary for about 1.5 years and we were having problems. He was struggling with being with committed to one person so long (ex serial Monogamist) and I was struggling with being stright for so long. When he met someone he was attracted to he asked me if I would be willing to have an open relatonship. I flipped the hell out. I thought that he didnt love me, I wasn't good enough etc etc. But he didn't pressure me into anything and gave me all the time I needed. Eventually I came across the book "Ethical Slut". It gave me perspective on what he was feeling and put me in. touch with my unfulfilled needs. So we gave it a shot. I found my needs are best met in an open relationship. Havent looked back. I do ID as poly.
 
I feel like it's an ongoing process. Regardless of how you term this, whether it's coming to an identity, a practice, or a lifestyle, whether it's polyamory or polysexory, I experience it as a work in progress, and I think I always will.

Early on I spent a lot of time bending my mind around what is possible, possible to love more than one person, or no? And I spent a lot of time fighting my way out of the bubble of how I've been taught to think.

As time's gone on it's turned into more of a commitment to writing my own rulebook, creating my own relationships with little cultural guidance, and breaking all the rules of "how things should be" that are pressing in from all sides. Sacrifice comes with this commitment, but of course I've experienced rewards.

My partner says he does it because it feels right. I like that. I'll do it for as long as it seems like a good idea. It's been challenging for us. It's easier to play Scrabble than it is to invent a whole new game to play. Or is it? Never know until you try.
 
still trying to figure it out

When I made love to my girlfriend, realized I had feelings for her AND still loved my spouse, I knew. I also was pretty anxious because I felt like I was coming out all over again, and on a whole different level. I don't feel like I can really be out because of the kids and protecting my career in mental health services.
 
I feel like it's an ongoing process.

I think pretty much all of life is an ongoing process... :)

It's easier to play Scrabble than it is to invent a whole new game to play. Or is it? Never know until you try.

I actually played Calvinball once with some friends. It was interesting... and in many ways easier than Scrabble. Especially when I get all consonants. ;)
 
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