My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[Aurelie26]

I feel really sad about this. I would break up with somebody who behaved like that. If I said shut up and they ever brought it up again, that would be it. It doesn't seem very loving to date somebody who speaks badly of another partner. I think its horrible to let Geoff stay at home babysitting at all after hearing this. At the very least, it seems like you should have babysitting from another source every time you have a date with Ewan.

The fact that Geoff knows and does nothing about it-- why would he do anything about it? You are in a poly relationship, you are on a date. Is he supposed to come kick Ewan's ass or something? Is Ewan even poly? It doesn't sound like it. In my life, at least, polyamory is supposed to enhance my life and bring more love into it. That means my partners have respect for my husband, at the very least. I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly, and if Geoff senses it and is an unwilling participate in it. If so, no wonder he isn't thrilled with the situation.

You also said "The problem started when Ewan and I went away for a weekend together. Geoff asked me not to go, but I did." You also said, "Geoff comes first." Those two things contradict each other. After rereading the thread and having some other input, and seeing that your boyfriend was stuck taking care of your (no doubt wonderful) child while you went on a trip with your lover after he asked you to not go... I do have to suggest the alternative that unless you are going to stop taking advantage of your laid-back but miserable boyfriend, maybe you should break up with him, since you are unable to give up the lover that isn't poly but thinks your boyfriend is an object of ridicule.

You're right. It wasn't right for Ewan to say those things, and he doesn't now. Ewan knows how much I love and care for Geoff. I make it clear to him that I don't want to hear those things again, and he hasn't repeated what he said. Does he get a kick out of the fact that he's having sex with me while my bf is at home with Max? I think he does. He does not say it, though, not now.

Do I cuckold Geoff? Well, what does that mean? If it means that I'm having sex with someone other than him, with his knowledge, and that he's not happy about it, then I have to be honest and say I am. I don't get a kick out of it, though. I love what I have with Geoff, and I love what I have with Ewan. I'm not thinking of one when I'm with the other. It's not like that

He's not a "babysitter." He's Max's dad.

Yes, it was a mistake to go on that weekend trip with Ewan. It was a case where I put my needs first. Geoff did ask me not to go. It wasn't till later, though, that I realised just how much it hurt him. It won't happen again. He wasn't upset at being stuck with Max though. He loves spending time with him. Everyone, please believe me when I say that Geoff looking after my son when I'm with Ewan is not an issue in any way.

Geoff is not miserable; he's a happy person. We have to resolve this, though.

I'm not pretending this is easy. I know I'm far from perfect, while Geoff pretty much is. I'm not certain about what I'm doing. I have doubts, and that's why I'm here. I think that we can make this work. I hope so.

What I do know is, I will give my lover up, if I have to. I don't want to, but I will. I will not give up my boyfriend.

 

[Arrowbound]

I think you might be dealing with leftover resentment over that trip you took. He might be more hurt than he let on.

 

[Aurelie26]

Hi,
I've been lurking here for a while, this is my first post.
By way of intro I'm a 40yo Australian male that had one poly relationship back in the day. I was totally not ready for poly and so I quickly ended up single again.
Whilst my poly experience is _very_ limited, being a man who's insecure about his average sized weiner is something I'm much better versed in.
I feel like I'm a lot better in this regard these days and so I figured I'd post in the hope that some of it may be useful.
Bear in mind that I have by no means completely moved on from this so the whole lot is probably complete bs.

Dingedheart, agreed that sounds like trouble but also agree with this
http://www.nerve.com/advice/savage-love/savage-love-35


Anywho, a couple of impressions from a million miles away:
- It sounds to me like he's having trouble with poly in general and that the size issue is just one symptom.
- Over the course of the time together his feelings have developed and deepened for you, so he probably loves you more but is also more jealous.
- Just because you were upfront about your other lover when you first met your boyf, & and he agreed, doesn't mean he was ok with it then or now. His issue, but if you want to your relationship to work it has to be dealt with and you may need to do a lot of the heavy lifting.
- Are you giving him an opportunity to be the lover he can be? Sounds like you've pigeon-holed him. Experiment a bit with him - toys, positions, kinks, etc. Given his insecurities you're probably going to have to lead the way. This may trigger some negative emotions from him around this issue. It's not much fun being emasculated by a carrot-sized lump of plastic. Use this as an opportunity to work through them. Blow him. Then some other time revisit the toys or whatever. It will take patience and persistence.
- Equivocating won't get the job done, he will hear your silences and even "you're different" as "yes he's hung like a horse and I enjoy sex with him a lot more", which it seems is actually the way you feel - you need to give him more to work with than this or he'll just spiral into self-loathing.
- You should be honest, but not brutally so.

With the benefit of hindsight, this is what I wish my girlfriends had said to me 20 years ago
- Yes, he's bigger and if you force me to rate you then I enjoy sex with him more.
- Size does matter and there are some orgasms/intensities I can only experience with a larger dick.
- I enjoy this a great deal, I don't want to give it up, if I did I would resent you for making me
- Do you feel like it is a chore for me to have sex with you? think back on our lovemaking, do you honestly think I'm not enjoying it?
- Why is it important to you that you are the best? This is the real question, and probably the hardest. The rest really is just window dressing. If you can get him to open up about it then this will be a huge relief in and of itself. As always, listening is way more important than speaking. Oh, and no size jokes, ever.
- Some girls out there really seem to be size queens. But we're all different. Just because some women claim _only_ to enjoy large cocks doesn't mean we all do. In the words of Taj Burrows, the guys who only go out when the surf is massive are missing out.
- Think about women's breasts. Sure, you might like them big, but does that mean that you're not attracted to women with average or smaller breasts? Breast/dick size is one piece of the larger puzzle that is sex/attraction. How attracted to a guy you are plays a huge part in how much you enjoy sex. Sounds like Geoff is younger than Ewan. It doesn't hurt to tell him that even though he's less well hung, overall he's more attractive.
- I love Indian and Chinese food. If I was forced to say which one I liked more, it would be Indian, but I would never want to give up Chinese, either.
- Tell him, even if is not true, there are things you want to try that Ewan is not willing to.
- Sure, there may be a thing as too small, but realistically, you're well out of that range.
- I would like you to make me cum like he does and to share that with you. Let's buy some sex toys and get a bit imaginative
- In a twisted way, this is a blessing, as if you can overcome this insecurity nothing in the world will phase you. The guy with the 21-inch dick lives in fear of the guy with the 22 incher, or the smarter/taller/more intelligent guy. Transcend this and you will be free.
- Not being insecure (esp about penis size) is one of the most attractive qualities a man can have.
- Having to prove to you how much I enjoy sex every time we have it is a major turn-off and so your fears are self-fulfilling.
- Sex is fun. Please don't turn it into a bum trip. Lighten up and let's enjoy ourselves.

To you, from my male perspective, I would say:
- Don't understimate how central to a man's identity this is, or how hard this is for him. Find a way to say that whilst you can't fully understand how he feels, you know this is very, very difficult for him and that you want to be there with him to work through this as your sex/relationship is hugely important to you - this goes for both size & coming to terms with poly as I suspect they are very closely related.
- Get into his head a bit - think of the thing about yourself that is both very important to you, and that you are very insecure about. Imagine he had another lover that pre-dated you that was a totally awesome in this regard. How does this make you feel? Now imagine it's a reality, and that he's with her right now.

He may see looking for help as a sign of weakness. I probably would have when I was younger. Explain that being brave enough to face this and work through it is actually a sign of strength & it will make you respect him way more than anything else he could do. Man up and face your fears bucko - is the message.

Ultimately he's got to want to work through it, there's only so much you can do.
By being honest, it means you give him 2 options - either come to terms with it or leave you.
I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't though, you will be condemned to either giving up your lover and resenting it or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term, he'll work it out. And as you mum taught you, lying is bad.

Thanks for your honest post. I think that both you and Brid75 are right. I have to find a way to break the truth gently to Geoff. I cannot lie to him, and I can't go on as I am at the moment and just ignore the issue. And I can't tell him it's not his business. I don't want to hurt him more than I need to, though. I want to make it as easy for him as I can.

It's not just about penis size, by the way. I do think that size matters, but just because a guy has a big penis it does not mean he's good in bed. I know from experience that's not true. What Ewan has is the whole package. The only guy I've ever been with that does, no other guy comes close.

Dingedheart said that not all men can play pro football. You can train, encourage and teach them, but they will never get there. Most men won't. I think it's the same with sex. Ewan has attributes that come naturally to him.

Geoff is not clueless in bed. We do use toys and we do experiment and try lots of things. What we can't do is give him what Ewan has.

What I'm talking about is the way Ewan's hands/mouth feel when he touches me. I cant explain it, but it's electric. Geoff does not have that touch. It's something you either have, or you don't.

Geoff has an average size cock (5 inches). Ewan's is big (10 Inches). That makes a big difference. We can't change that either.

Geoff doesn't last long. Ewan can last as long as he likes. Again, not something you can change.

Geoff isn't big, and he doesn't last long. This means he can't make me orgasm through penetrative sex. I still enjoy our lovemaking because it's gentle and loving and sensual and sexy. We take it slow and it's really beautiful.

He makes me orgasm through oral (which he loves), or using toys, or with his fingers. He is considerate. He usually puts my needs first. But if he does cum before me, he always makes sure I orgasm as well. Always. When we are finished, we always hold each other and tell each other how much we love one another. Nobody has ever made me feel as loved as he does.

Ewan dominates me. He can go fast or slow, hard or soft. He can go so hard, for so long, that I reach a plateau, where I will have multiple orgasms and end up squirting. He makes me lose myself. He manhandles me one minute, and the next he will be giving me oral so good that it drives me crazy. I can ride him for as long as I need to without worrying if he's going to cum. He doesn't, no matter how fast and hard I go.

We are both kinky. We have very few boundaries. We do stuff that i would never do with Geoff. Ewan is exceptional at everything. And when we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different, yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible, in a way Geoff can't, because he doesn't have what Ewan has.

I love Geoff more though, and that counts for more than anything.

 

[IndieSolo]

I have asked him and he told me that he doesn't enjoy it, and that he has never really enjoyed casual sex outside of his relationships. He could easily get girls if he wants, but he doesn't. ... I think lots of men, if given permission from their wife/girlfriend to have sex with as many girls as they like would jump at the chance. My boyfriend is not like those men though. Truth is, I told him to do it because it made it easier for me to do what I was doing.

The only thing that would work for him is if he had a relationship like the one I have with my lover, something that is more than just sex. Different girls all the time wont work. He says that going out and meeting girls at a club, having never met them before, and taking them to a hotel room for sex is not for him.

Well, I wasn't suggesting he seek out other women just to get laid. I was thinking more in terms of pursuing another love relationship.

 

[Aurelie26]

Well, I wasn't suggesting he seek out other women just to get laid. I was thinking more in terms of pursuing another love relationship.

Yeah, but that's what he was doing. He would need another girl that he loved, yes.

Maybe we could work on that. I would be jealous if he loved someone else, as I said. I think I could overcome that, though.

 

[IndieSolo]

My boyfriend doesn't last long, my lover can last as long as he likes. Again not something you can change.

Oh yes, it most definitely is something he can change! Without a doubt!

There are all kinds of techniques guys can use to hold off on cumming. If you compassionately express to your bf that you'd like him to train himself to last longer, I am sure he would happily accommodate you and start researching, reading, and trying new things.

 

[Aurelie26]

I disagree, it can last long term. My own situation mirrors Aurelie's, and it has worked for me, my husband and boyfriend.

I don't think she said that she gets off on the cuckold thing. It's Ewan that does, and that doesn't surprise me. It's a man thing.

So what if Geoff is a cuckold, anyway? By the way she talks about him, I don't think any of us doubts how much she loves Geoff, and she will naturally want to be as polite about him as possible, but let's be honest about what this is about. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Aurelie.) He does not measure up sexually. He is not up to the job, and as much as he tries he cannot satisfy his woman. He sounds like a lovely guy and because of that, this may sound harsh, but if he's not man enough sexually, then she should cuckold him. I'm sorry, but that's the way I feel.

It sounds like Aurelie has everything she wants. Why should she give that up? She should fight for it. She has a man that looks after her and gets her and her son things they have never had. He's very loving towards them both and they both love him. She also has a man that gives her what she needs in bed. I think in this day and age, woman can have both, and if that can't be with one man, why not two?

It can only work if you have an understanding man. My husband knows he doesn't satisfy me and that my boyfriend does. He was hurt at first, but he understands that he and my daughter are number one in my life, and they are. He is four times the man that my boyfriend is, except in one way, sexually. This is a hurdle Aurelie needs to get over. Geoff knows she is having sex with another man, he doesn't like it, but puts up with it, and this makes him a cuckold. If she can break it gently to Geoff that she needs Ewan because he gives her sexual satisfaction that he cant, that's what she should do. When he accepts that, things will get better, if he understands that sex isn't love, and it's not a game to be won. As soon as he comes to terms with it and accepts this he will no longer feel bad. He will know that he is giving her his blessing because it is something she needs/wants, and he loves her and wants her to be happy.

If he cannot accept that, and he isn't understanding (most people wouldn't be) then Aurelie and Geoff need to reevaluate their relationship. If I was her, I would hang on to that boyfriend and give up her lover, but not till I had tried my best, and this will mean that Geoff will be hurt in the short term, but the relationship will be stronger in the long term. She needs her lover for her to be 100% happy, as I do. It doesn't mean that I don't love my husband.

Lets not forget though, that Geoff knew about this from the start and accepted it.

Also, her child considers Geoff to be his father, and he probably thinks of him as his son. They live together, and they are a family. What's the problem with them staying at home together, when she is with Ewan? He's not a babysitter, he's his dad. Who else should be looking after the child when Mum isn't there?

Aurelie, if you go about this the right way, and you give Geoff the love, sex, and encouragement he needs, you can keep both.

I find your posts tough to read because they ring so true to me. I'm glad you have the poly relationship that you need. I hope I can have the same.

 

[Aurelie26]

Oh yes, it most definitely is something he can change! Without a doubt!

There are all kinds of techniques guys can use to hold off on cumming. If you compassionately express to your bf that you'd like him to train himself to last longer, I am sure he would happily accommodate you and start researching, reading, and trying new things.

NYCindie, we have. He has trained himself to last longer and he does. It's good. He will never last anywhere near as long as Ewan though. Ewan is the sort of man that has this ability to not cum until he wants to.

I can make Geoff cum through me giving him oral in five minutes. I really enjoy this because I can see how sensitive he is and how much he is enjoying it. I can fellate Ewan for what seems like forever, and nothing.

 

[redpepper]

Your posts remind me of where my bf Mono, my husband PN, and I were three years ago. Now things have changed, as they always do. I would suggest getting to the bottom of the issues going on soon, and with lots of attention, because when the sex dies down and there is everyday life and less sex, those issues become the forefront of everything if there wasn't a chance to deal with them.

I still get lots of sex, and there are still differences between my bf and husband, but the intensity is not the same. The replacement has been that we all live together now, and my boy (9) has two dad figures and is the luckiest kid ever. The balance is better for everyone, but the intense connected sex is limited.

There are two big differences, however.

1. I don't care about cock size at all. I think big cocks are overrated.

2. Mono has never said one single derogatory thing about PN. He has always had his best interest in everything he does. He is completely dedicated to PN and the health of our relationship. Without PN, Mono and I would likely not be together.

 

[Mudita]

Hey Aurelie,

If you're going to be paying attention to what somebody says, you're probably better off listening to what Redpepper says and others who have successful ongoing poly relationships than my armchair opinion. I posted I guess to try and give you an insight of what might be going on in his brain, but you're the one who's there, and you should really back your own judgement, as however it turns out, you're the one who has to deal with the consequences.

But I'm probably not telling you anything new there, right?

Best of luck to you in having the sort of relationships that you and your loved ones want and need.

 

[Aurelie26]

Your posts remind me where Mono, PN and I were three years ago. Now things have changed, as they always do. I would suggest getting to the bottom of the issues going on soon and with lots of attention because when the sex dies down and there is every day life and less of it, those issues become the forefront of everything if there wasn't a chance to deal with them.

I still get lots of sex, and there are still differences between my bf and husband, but the intensity is not the same. The replacement has been that we all live together now, and my boy (9) has two dad figures and is the luckiest kid ever. The balance is better for everyone, but the intense connected sex is limited.

There are two big difference however. 1. I don't care about cock size at all. I think big cocks are overrated. 2. Mono has never said one single derogatory thing about PN. He has always had his best interest in everything he does. He is completely dedicated to PN and the health of our relationship. Without PN we would likely not be together.

That is a fantastic arrangement you have. Do your husband and bf never fight? Do they take turns with sex? How does it work when you all live together? Also, in what way is Mono dedicated to PN? Why is it that you wouldn't be together if it weren't for PN?

That's really nice for your son. Does he understand that you are in a relationship with both of his dads, or is he too young? Is your husband his bio father?

My bf and lover have never even met, and your post has made me think that perhaps they should. To Geoff, Ewan is just someone that I see twice a week, and to Ewan, Geoff is just someone who I live with. If they meet, maybe they can start to think of each other as people.

Ewan is arrogant sometimes. He really does think that if he decided to leave his wife he could just click his fingers and I would drop Geoff and come running. There is no chance that I would, and I tell him that, but it upsets me that he thinks it. It means that he thinks I'm just with Geoff because he looks after my son and and me, and spoils us both so much. Ewan thinks I'm only with Geoff because he's a dad for my son. He has said this, and although he knows not to say it, I've no doubt that he still thinks it. If he were to meet Geoff, maybe he would see what a lovely guy he is and why I love him so much. I have met Ewan's wife a few times. Ewan did not want this, but she insisted. Although I was nervous, for obvious reasons, and it was a bit awkward at first, she soon put me at my ease. She's a nice lady, very honest and also very funny with the way she talks about my lover/her husband.

Do you think it might be a good idea to try and encourage Geoff and Ewan to meet?

 

[Aurelie26]

By being honest, it means you give him 2 options - either come to terms with it or leave you.
I would be as gentle and careful as I could be in speaking truth about this as his flight instinct may be strong around this issue.
Make sure you emphasize that you love him and see a long-term future with him (assuming this is how you feel).
Don't discount the possibility that this will be too much for him and he will leave if you tell him the truth.
If you don't though, you will be condemned to giving up your lover, and either resenting it, or lying about it.
I'm not sure lying about it will work in the long term. Geoff will work it out. And as your mum taught you, lying is bad.

I agree with this, but I don't want it to get to the point where Geoff will want to leave me, and I don't think it will. I will make sure he knows that I love him more and am willing to give up Ewan, if needed.

If she can break it gently to Geoff that she needs Ewan because he gives her sexual satisfaction that he cant, that's what she should do. When he accepts that, things will get better, if he understands that sex isn't love, and it's not a game to be won. As soon as he comes to terms with it and accepts this he will no longer feel bad. He will know that he is giving her his blessing because it is something she needs/wants, and he loves her and wants her to be happy.

Is this what happened in your relationship, Brid75? I truly hope this will be the way it works out for Geoff and me!

 

[Mudita]

Aurelie,

I have been thinking about this a fair bit since I first posted, and I actually kinda regret posting in the first place, as I'm having some second thoughts on some of the stuff I said, particularly the bit you just quoted.

Since I did post, I figured rather than bailing half way, I'd follow up with some of the things I've considered that run counter to what I first said.

There is at least one more option if you told him the truth and that is it would cut deeply into his self esteem to the point he wouldn't have the courage to leave you, but put up with a situation that made him feel really lousy about himself. When I think back on my situations at his age I think that is quite probably what I would have done.

This is the problem with the original post. It reflects where I am now, and not where I was when I was asking whether my lover's lover had a larger penis. Today, I wouldn't even ask, but this is only because I've made my peace with it over the years, in my own way and and at my own pace.

Also, being willing to give Ewan up may not be insurance against Geoff leaving you. Once said, it can never be unsaid. He may decide that he should go looking for somebody who places less emphasis on sex or god knows what other rationalisation.

All this being said, Geoff sounds a fair bit more mature than I was at his age, and he is devoted to you and your son.

Another way to look at his questions and moods is as him phrasing the age-old question of 'What's he got that I haven't got?' Given that we males are so pre-occupied with our dicks, it is only natural that this is one of the things we think of first. It may in fact be kinder to lie and give him another answer to this question, maybe that you find older men attractive or something like that, which he will be less threatened by.

If you are to take anything away from what I have posted here it is that I am still not at all clear on this issue myself, and that you should think extremely carefully before taking any of what I have said on board.

 

[redpepper]

Aurelie26, please read my blog and see how we live. It's long, so, have fun with that.

Mono has many posts on here about how he views PN. He doesn't really keep up here anymore though, so you will have to look for him in my blog and find his threads. He wrote a lot of stuff about living together that can be found by doing a tag search for "living together."

I can't imagine keeping my life so separate that my partners didn't know each other and weren't gracious to one another's existence in my life. To me, we are all about chosen family/community. Someone being arrogant enough to think that they would "get" one of us all to themselves if only the circumstances were right would mean they would be considered a cowboy (or cowgirl) and would be eventually dumped.

 

[zylya]

Thanks for your honest post. I think that both you and Brid75 are right. I have to find a way to break the truth gently to Geoff. I cannot lie to him. I can't go on as I am at the moment and just ignore the issue. I cant tell him it's not his business. I don't want to hurt him more than I need to, though. I want to make it as easy for him as I can.

It's not just about penis size, by the way. I do think that size matters, but just because a guy has a big penis it does not mean he's good in bed. I know from experience that that's not true. What Ewan has is the whole package. The only guy I've ever been with that does, no other guy comes close.

Dingedheart said that not all men can play pro football. You can train, encourage and teach them, but they will never get there. Most men won't. I think it's the same with sex. Ewan has attributes that come natural to him.

Geoff is not clueless in bed. We do use toys and experiment and try lots of things. What we can't do is give him what Ewan has.

What I'm talking about is the way Ewan's hands/mouth feel when he touches me. I cant explain it, but it's electric. Geoff does not have that touch. It's something you have or you don't.

Geoff has an average-size cock (5 inches). Ewan's is big (10 Inches). That makes a big difference. We can't change that, either.

Geoff doesn't last long. Ewan can last as long as he likes. Again, not something you can change.

Geoff isn't big and he doesn't last long. This means he can't make me orgasm through penetrative sex. I still enjoy our lovemaking because it's gentle and loving and sensual and sexy. We take it slow and it's really beautiful.

He makes me orgasm through oral (which he loves), or using toys or with his fingers. He is considerate, and he usually puts my needs first, but if he does cum before me, he always makes sure I orgasm, as well. Always. When we are finished we always hold each other and tell each other how much we love one another. Nobody has ever made me feel as loved as he does.

Ewan dominates me. He can go fast or slow, hard or soft.

He can go so hard for so long, that I reach a plateau, and have multiple orgasms, and end up squirting. He makes me lose myself. He manhandles me one minute, and the next he will be giving me oral so good that it drives me crazy. I can ride him for as long as I need without worrying if he's going to cum. He doesn't, no matter how fast and hard I go.

We are both kinky. We have very few boundaries. We do stuff that I would never do with Geoff. Ewan is exceptional at everything. When we are done, 10 minutes later he can go again and make it completely different, and yet always with the same result. He makes me feel incredible. Geoff can't because he doesn't have what Ewan has.

I love Geoff more though, and that counts for more than anything.

You're completely and 100% wrong that it's something you're born with and not something you learnt. You (well, he) can definitely learn all this stuff (aside from the penis size, of course). It's a combination of knowledge, experience and a genuine desire to satisfy someone else. But it definitely can be learnt (and not just lasting longer, but even domination, that electric touch and a whole load more).

When you say that you do stuff with Ewan that you never would with Geoff, why not?

 

[Brid75]

I feel really sad about this. I would break up with somebody who behaved like that, and if I said shut up and they ever brought it up again, that would be it. It doesn't seem very loving to date somebody who speaks badly of another partner. I think its horrible to let Geoff stay at home babysitting at all after hearing this. At the very least, it seems like you should have babysitting from another source every time you have a date with Ewan.

The fact that Geoff knows and does nothing about it-- why would he do anything about it? You are in a poly relationship. you are on a date. Is he supposed to come kick Ewan's ass, or something? Is Ewan poly? That doesn't sound like it. In my life at least, polyamory is supposed to enhance my life and bring more love into it. That means partners having respect for my husband, at the very least. I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly, and if Geoff senses it and is an unwilling participate in it. If so, no wonder he isn't thrilled with the situation.

You also said "The problem started when Ewan and I went away for a weekend together. Geoff asked me not to go, but I did." You also said "Geoff comes first". Those two things contradict each other. After rereading the thread and having some other input, and seeing that Geoff was stuck taking care of your (no doubt wonderful) child while you went on a trip with Ewan, after Geoff asked you to not go... I do have to suggest the alternative that unless you are going to stop taking advantage of your laid-back but miserable boyfriend, maybe you should break up with him, since you are unable to give up the lover that isn't poly but thinks your boyfriend is an object of ridicule.

This is an interesting point that Anneintherain makes. She questions if what your lover is doing is poly. Well, for me, poly is when a person wants more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge of everyone involved, and everyone happy to participate, even if this is as a mono.

Aurelie, this is not what you have at the moment, although I think it is what you are striving for. And I think it is brave of you to come on this forum and be so honest about your situation.

Anneintherain says, "I'm wondering if you're purposefully participating in cuckolding instead of poly."

You then ask her, "Do I cuckold Geoff? Well, what does that mean?"

Well, if you look the word up in a dictionary it says, "The husband of an unfaithful wife." I think there's a bit more to it than that. To me a cuckold is this:

When a faithful husband/boyfriend is in a loving relationship with a wife/girlfriend who has sexual relations with another man (a "bull"), and the husband/boyfriend knows what is happening and does not like it, but does nothing to stop it because he is either too weak, or too much in love with his wife/girlfriend. The wife/girlfriend knows it makes her husband/boyfriend unhappy, but does it anyway.

I think that describes your lovely man's situation at the moment to a tee. So yes, I do think you are cuckolding Geoff, but I do not think you are wrong to do so. In fact, I think you and Ewan should continue to cuckold Geoff, for now, anyway.

I do not doubt that you love Geoff as much as you say. I also don't believe you want to purposefully humiliate him, or hurt him in any way, or that you get turned on by the possibility of that. I think you want to help him accept the situation you find yourselves in, and in doing so, make him happy in your relationship. When this happens, you will have the poly relationship you want and deserve.

You cannot have this until everything is sorted out with Geoff. You should not give up what you have with Ewan until you know Geoff will never be able to accept and come to terms with your relationship with Ewan.

 

[dingedheart]

Does Ewan's wife have partners? If so, how many? Are they talked about disrespectfully?

 

[Aurelie26]

Please read my blog and see how we live... Mono has many posts on here... you will have to look for him in my blog and find his threads. He wrote a lot of stuff about living together that can be found by doing a tag search for "living together."

I can't imagine keeping my life so separate that my partners don't know each other and be gracious to one another's existence in my life. To me, we are all about chosen family/community. Someone being arrogant enough to think that they would "get" one of us all to themselves if only the circumstances were right would mean they would be considered a cowboy or cowgirl, and they would be eventually dumped.

Thanks for the advice, Redpepper. I shall read your blog.

 

[Aurelie26]

Does the lover's wife have partners? If so how many? Are they talked about disrespectfully?

Yes, she does. She's a very interesting and funny lady, and a bit eccentric. I like her. She is older than Ewan. She's 42. He's 39. She does not have just one lover like he does. She is free to sleep with other men, and she does.

There was a time, before I was with Geoff, before I had met Ewan's wife, and before I had read about poly relationships, that I wanted Ewan and me to have a "regular" relationship. He said no.

After meeting his wife, I understand why he said no. They are a funny couple. When I've been at dinner with them they are like a double act. She insults him a lot, but in a way that isn't offensive, it's like he's in on the joke. It is obvious that they are very much together and they need each other. This does not bother me now. They have a daughter who is 16.

When Ewan and I are together, we do not talk about his wife. We do not discuss the men she goes with either.

 

[Aurelie26]

You're completely and 100% wrong that it's something you're born with and not something you learnt. You (well, he) can definitely learn all this stuff (aside from the penis size, of course). It's a combination of knowledge, experience and a genuine desire to satisfy someone else. But it definitely can be learnt (and not just lasting longer, but even domination, that electric touch and a whole load more).

When you say that you do stuff with your lover that you never would with your boyfriend, why not?

I respectfully disagree, and return to Dingedheart's analogy about the pro footballer. You can coach an average man to be a better football player, but you cannot make him a pro. It's the same with sex. With regard to Geoff cumming to quickly, we have worked on this together and things are good. However, he will never be able to last like my lover, who can literally last as long as he wants. And he does; he cums when he wants to. I have never been with any other man that can do this. He is great at sex. It's a talent he has. He would be a pro footballer. You can also not teach or give someone a magic touch. You can teach a man how and where you like to be touched, but thats it.

Let me give you an example of something Geoff has that Ewan does not, and never will have.

My orgasms are far more powerful with Ewan's, but Geoff's own orgasms are way more powerful than my lovers. When Ewan cums it just kind of dribbles out, whereas with Geoff, stand back, ladies! lol. I have never seen so much cum squirt out of a dick at such speed and velocity as it does out of Geoff's penis. It can fly a good few feet. lol. I don't know where it all comes from because he has small balls, although they are perfectly formed. This is a talent that Ewan cannot learn, even though his balls are big.

This is one of the reasons I love giving Geoff oral. I love bigger dicks, but I do love fellating my bf's cuter and smaller cock. He has a very sensitive penis. This is why he doesn't last long, but this also means that he gets so much pleasure out of me giving him oral, I have to take things softly. And I get a massive kick out of giving him that much pleasure. Ewan, well, his penis is not in anyway sensitive. I can do what I like to it. haha

Geoff and I love to 69 with each other. Because he cums quickly, and we like to cum together, and because it takes me much longer to get there, this is what we do. I know my man now, and I know when he is going to cum, so when he reaches that point, I will stop for a minute, while he continues. Then I will start again, and we go on like this. I stop and start and he will continue all the time. It gets him so excited that it gets to the point that I can only suck him for 10 seconds. I edge him. And when we do this, that's when he can really explode. lol He loves it, and so do I. We have it down so well now that we can pretty much cum at the same time, or close to it.