Is this typical in poly relationships?

[Alhena]

Advice needed, please. I may be overreacting. TIA.

So, I’m new to this and I’m not really sure if this is normal or acceptable. My bf and his wife have been poly for a lot longer than I, so I expected them to understand more and be used to the lifestyle. But it seems that things are falling apart between his wife and me because she has doubts.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong to make her so unhappy. I’m trying really hard to do all this stuff just so she will like me and be happy. But nothing seems to be working, even when I do just what I’m asked. The problem is, she’s very outgoing and talkative, while I’m shy and quiet around people I’m not very close to, especially when it’s my boyfriend’s wife. I feel totally intimidated by her, because she’s this cute little thing, and I feel all this pressure to make sure she likes me.

Sorry, this is pretty long.

From the beginning there was a little trouble. She thought I didn’t like her because I was quiet the first time we met.

Before the bf and I were officially in a relationship, we had been dating, and she'd claimed we were spending too much time together. Since she and I weren’t great friends yet, and hubby had lied about something not regarding me, she didn’t like us being together. So she made him stop seeing me, while she was allowed to keep her girlfriend. A few weeks later she messaged me, and asked me to come around again, because he was unhappy and she wanted him to be happy. All she asked was for us to get know each other a little more. I understood and agreed, because he was bringing me into their home.

Fast forward to a week or so ago, we are on another poly site, and there’s a thread about posting random things about your relationships. I was browsing and found a post she made that day saying she wasn’t sure she liked me anymore because I seemed uncaring, too busy and didn’t pay enough attention to her husband (my bf). So now I’m confused-- when I paid attention to him, it was too much for her, so I laid off a little bit, and now she thinks I’m being cold and not liking him enough. Confusing as hell!

Last week, my bf asked me to make sure I commented on her posts/whatever online so she didn’t feel left out, because she thinks he and I talk too much. He thinks she is jealous because she’s been looking for a bf and hasn’t had any luck. I asked him, "Well, what is she jealous about?" She lives with him, this amazing guy I only get to see maybe once a week for a couple hours. He said he knew it was a lot to ask, but just to try and pay more attention to her.

He asked me to ask her to go see a movie. Okay. I agree. I want to be able to keep seeing my bf, so I better keep the wife happy, right?

Now, the day after the movie (last Thursday) he and I are talking about how both of our birthdays (the wife's and mine) are this week. I’m bummed about mine, so I’m not celebrating. But she is excited about hers, so there's a whole day of events planned. She sent out invites online. I hadn’t responded, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to go, since it’s my cousin’s graduation that day. Anyway, he asked me to respond, and make a big deal about it so her feelings don’t get hurt. Again, I say ok and do it.

Yesterday he asked me to spend the night, since today is my birthday and I guess we were going to get some alone time. A few hours later he texted me that I can’t come after all. There was another argument between them, and I got kicked to the curb. Apparently he asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and she said nothing, because they had this whole day planned. So he said that he wanted to give her something, since he would be giving me something, and he didn’t want her to be hurt if she didn’t have an actual gift. Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. (Maybe I’m stupid.) But she got upset and went to vent on that site about how inconsiderate that was and how he is the one causing problems.

I’m getting tired of this. Like I said, I feel like I’m trying hard to do all these things to make her happy, but she’s still not. I don’t feel like it’s my place to do so. I’m not dating her; I’m her husband’s girlfriend. Maybe I’m wrong? Am I being the stupid young chick new to poly who doesn’t understand?

I’ve considered just telling him I don’t want to deal with his wife’s moods anymore and that part of our relationship just isn’t working. But I don’t want to lose him. I care about him. I enjoy our time together. Usually his wife and I seem to get along. I would really like to continue being his girlfriend, but all this just puts that little doubt in the back of my mind that I can’t keep jumping through hoops for her.

 

[ferrishmatt]

Wow, that sounds like a page out of my book! It's hard to say where the fault lines are in this and what you (and your bf and his wife) can do to make things better. A two-person relationship is infinitely complex and can't be summed up in a library shelf full of books. A triad or quad relationship makes it that much more dynamic.

I know in my relationship we work extremely hard to communicate everything. Sometimes it causes fights that probably could have been avoided. When our girlfriend left us, she had stopped communicated with us for several weeks. Her disapproving friends convinced her we weren't right for her and she finally caved.

Earlier on in the relationship, we had a couple breakups because of what you were describing. I believe everyone has to give it 100% or it won't work. And should it not, or should someone else not want to give it 100%, then I've learned you can't hold yourself at fault for that.

If you feel like you're giving 100% and it's not enough, then I'd venture to say that this may be a dead end for you. You should never feel like you're giving it your all and there's always room for improvement. If your situation does not encourage you to be a better part and person, then most likely the others involved aren't aiming for 100%. If this is the case, don't let it get you down. It takes two to tango, three to drive in the carpool lane. (I guess that means you're going nowhere if the three/four people can't be in the same car together.)

Nevertheless, good luck. Keep us updated! I apologize if I didn't give you the hope I'm sure you were looking for. Given enough time, things have a way of working themselves out, for better or worse.

 

[redpepper]

Maybe you need to be more assertive about what you want. It sounds like you are being steamrolled by what she wants. In my V, we do our best to keep balance and harmony by not being selfish, considering others, troubleshooting before something occurs, and communicating our needs as they arise in the moment. It sounds like she is not very confident that your man is going to stick around. It will take time for her to get over this. Consistency, staying true to what you want and respecting your very valuable place in your man's life will all help. Your unrealistic threat to her will subside with time. If it doesn't, then I wonder if it is worth the effort.

 

[Quath]

It sounds like she's an extrovert who is not use to dealing with introverts. I think you should make the move to communicate with her. Let her know how confused you feel and how you are trying.

Just because they have been doing this longer doesn't mean they have everything worked out. It doesn't sound like you are making any newbie mistakes. It sounds more like communication issues. I think you should directly talk to her instead of through your boyfriend.

I wish you well.

 

[redpepper]

I agree with Quath. Nothing has worked better for me than establishing a relationship with those that my husband associates himself with. Without that, there are misunderstandings and confused communication.

I have been known to tell my bf and husband that they have to talk to each other, rather than go through me. The more communication they have, the better for all of us.

 

[Alhena]

It sounds like she's an extrovert who is not use to dealing with introverts. I think you should make the move to communicate with her. Let her know how confused you feel and how you are trying.

Just because they have been doing this longer doesn't mean they have everything worked out. It doesn't sound like you are making any newbie mistakes. It sounds more like communication issues. I think you should directly talk to her instead of through your boyfriend.

The thing is, I'm scared to say anything that might sound negative to her, because I'm quite sure she will just decide I'm a bitch, and not allow my bf to see me anymore, which would totally suck and break my heart. So I'm trying to stay quiet and do what she says so I can stick around. I kinda figure if I just go along with her, she won't mind having me around. I know I said in my last post it's what I'm tired of, which makes it confusing. lol I just don't want to upset her.

I just thought she would have more experience with being comfortable with other girls around her husband. Isn't it something you get used to, or learn to live with, when you choose this lifestyle?

 

[Alhena]

Nothing has worked better for me than establishing a relationship with those that my husband associates himself with. Without that there are misunderstandings and confused communication. I've told my bf and husband that they have to talk to each other, rather than through me. The more communication they have, the better for all of us.

How much of a relationship should there be between two people who just happen to be dating the same person? I feel we do enough. We get along when the three of us hang out. We have a nice time when we occasionally hang out just us girls. When I try to not be shy we are able to communicate pretty well. I don't see what else there can be. She herself told me she didn't expect me to become her best friend, that she just wanted to get to know me better (which she has), hang out occasionally (which we do), and be able to be ok friends (which I think we are, but maybe I'm wrong).

 

[Alhena]

Maybe you need to be more assertive about what you want. It sounds like you are being steam rolled by what she wants. In my V, we do our best to keep balance and harmony by not being selfish, considering others, troubleshooting before something occurs, and communicating our needs as they arise in the moment. It sounds like she is not very confident that your man is going to stick around. It will take time for her to get over this. Consistency, staying true to what you want and respecting your very valuable place in your man's life will all help. Your unrealistic threat to her will subside with time. If it doesn't then I wonder if it is worth the effort.

Ugh-- being assertive is not my forte. I'm much more demure. She is definitely the assertive one.

I also find it hard to think I'd ever hold a valuable place in his life, because, like I mentioned in the OP, I've been pushed away before. Any problem that arises between them seems to be magically fixed by getting rid of the gf, even if it has nothing to do with me. I was very hurt once to find out he offered to stop seeing me just to get her to stop being mad about something else, like that would solve the problem. Is the gf that much less important than the wife?

 

[Quath]

The thing is, I'm scared to say anything that might sound negative to her, because I'm quite sure she will just decide I'm a bitch, and not allow my bf to see me anymore, which would totally suck and break my heart. So I'm trying to stay quiet and do what she says so I can stick around. I kinda figure if I just go along with her, she won't mind having me around. I know I said in my last post that's what I'm tired of, which makes it confusing. I just don't want to upset her.

When you are quiet and shy, you are inviting people to guess at your feelings. I have noticed that people project their feelings when they guess. So if you can state your feelings, you are leaving less room for guesswork. There are some people who will still project their feelings after this, but being open about your feelings weeds a lot of those issues out.

Maybe start small. Let them know you feel expendable.

I just thought she would have more experience with being comfortable with other girls around her husband. Isn't it something you get used to, or learn to live with when you choose this lifestyle?

Heh. It reminds me of how some people drive. Just because they have driven for many years, they can still be poor drivers. It sounds like this couple is still learning. Since polyamory is so new, I think even the "experts" are still learning.

How much of a relationship should there be between two people who just happen to be dating the same person?

I think relationships evolve to be what they are. It could be a closely-bonded relationship or a casual friendship. At the minimum, you just need to be able to communicate with the person to help plan out stuff and share your needs/desires. Well... there ARE some couples where their other lovers never meet, so I guess it is not really the minimum. So it sounds like you are doing ok in that area.

I find it hard to think id ever hold a valuable place in his life, because, like I mentioned in the OP, I've been pushed away before. Any problem that arises between them seems to be magically fixed by getting rid of the gf, even if it has nothing to do with me. I was very hurt once to find out he offered to stop seeing me, just to get her to stop being mad about something else, like it would just solve the problem. Is the gf that much less important that the wife?

It sounds like she is working out some jealousy issues, if your bf is offering to drop you to please her. You should not be treated as expendable.

 

[Danny40179]

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're in a pretty rough spot.

How long have your bf and his wife been poly? Your situation reminds me a lot of how my first wife and I were at the start. It almost seems as if your bf's wife is jealous and really only wants to be polyamorous herself, and have your bf be monogamous. But she knows that if she wants to poly-date others, then she has to be able to let him as well, an "only fair" kinda thing. You know what I mean?

I agree that you have to be more assertive with what you want. I know that you love and care for your bf, but this lifestyle isn't for everyone. I'm not sure they really discussed bringing you into the picture. You mentioned that he even lied about something at the start. There can be NO lying if this relationship is going to work.

You also have to be fair to yourself. You're not happy. You deserve to be happy, but I hope you don't need me to tell you that.

Talk, talk, talk. That's my mantra when it comes to polyamory. My wives and I know that we have to talk about EVERYTHING that might be on anyone's mind. We also know that those conversations aren't always nice and pretty. But they're necessary.

I hope that everything works out for you and you end up happy, by whatever means that's supposed to happen.

 

[nethergirl]

Earlier on in the relationship we had a couple breakups because of what you were describing.

Wow, I've had something similar happen as well. My boyfriend's partner decided that she was unhappy seeing us together. I flipped, because I was doing everything I possibly could (as the OP seems to be doing) not to step on her toes. We really got along on our own, but she just couldn't deal with the relationship for a time, and it was very painful. My boyfriend and I almost broke up over fights that started with these problems and spiraled out of control.

Things are starting to look up now, but at the time it was a nightmare.

Alhena, I say hang in there. Be as polite as possible and try to do what she needs (even if it keeps changing around). I have found that if you stick around, and prove yourself to be a 'real' person in the partner's life, and not just a phase, you will gain respect and trust over time.

 

[Magdlyn]

Advice needed, please. I may be overreacting. TIA.

Note, this is a very old thread. I've been going through old threads from our Golden Nuggets forum. I found the advice given on this one to be pretty bad (IMO), and since we recommend new people go to Golden Nuggets to learn poly principles, I wanted to add my opinions.

My bf and his wife have been poly for a lot longer than I, so I expected them to understand more and be used to the lifestyle. But it seems that things are falling apart between his wife and me because she has doubts.

I’m trying really hard to do all this stuff just so she will like me and be happy. But nothing seems to be working, even when I do just what I’m asked.

Here's the first issue. It is not up to the newer partner to "keep the bf's wife happy." That is his job. As the hinge, he needs to balance the needs and desires of both of HIS partners. The newer partner is not there to please her bf's wife! She doesn't even have to talk to her or meet with her.

The bf must arrange his schedule to best suit both of his partners. The partners don't need to do this themselves. They are not his social secretaries.

She’s very outgoing and talkative, while I’m shy and quiet around people I’m not very close to, especially when it’s my boyfriend’s wife. I feel totally intimidated by her. I feel all this pressure to make sure she likes me.

Okay, so the gf is quiet, the wife is talkative. Fine. The bf probably likes her quietness as a contrast to his wife's noisier more assertive nature. It's probably restful. The gf doesn't have to meet with the wife, and try to speak up against her own nature, to "get the wife to like her."

From the beginning, there was a little trouble. She thought I didn’t like her because I was quiet the first time we met.

The metamours don't have to like each other. They don't even need to meet each other. If a meeting happens by accident, they can be "basic polite." Period.

Before the bf and I were officially in a relationship, she'd claimed we were spending too much time together. Hubby had lied about something not regarding me. She made him stop seeing me.

This was probably unfair, but we don't know enough about the circumstances.

A few weeks later she messaged me, and asked me to come around again, because he was unhappy and she wanted him to be happy.

It wasn't the wife's role to ask the man's gf to come around again! That's his job. He works out his problems with his wife (whatever they were), and then he respectfully asks the gf if she'd be interested in seeing him again, despite being rudely dumped, apparently for an unrelated reason.

All she asked was for us to get know each other a little more. I understood and agreed.

No need for this, imo.

Fast forward to a week or so ago, we are on another poly site, and there’s a thread about posting random things about your relationships. I found a post she made that day saying she wasn’t sure she liked me anymore because I seemed uncaring, too busy and didn’t pay enough attention to her husband (my bf). So now I’m confused-- when I paid attention to him, it was too much for her, so I laid off a little bit, and now she thinks I’m being cold and not liking him enough. Confusing as hell!

Yes, indeed, very confusing. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Obviously the OP, the gf is not in the wrong, since no matter what she does, she's getting blamed for deeper problems the wife and husband are having. They need to work that out between themselves.

Last week, my bf asked me to make sure I commented on her posts/whatever online so she didn’t feel left out, because she thinks he and I talk too much. He thinks she is jealous because she’s been looking for a bf and hasn’t had any luck. I asked him, "Well, what is she jealous about?" She lives with him, this amazing guy I only get to see maybe once a week for a couple hours. He said he knew it was a lot to ask, but just to try and pay more attention to her.

He asked me to ask her to go see a movie. Okay. I agree. I want to be able to keep seeing my bf, so I better keep the wife happy, right?

Wrong! lol Sheesh. I don't know why no one picked up on this when this thread was new.

The day after the movie, he and I are talking about how both of our birthdays (the wife's and mine) are this week. I’m bummed about mine, so I’m not celebrating. But she is excited about hers, so there's a whole day of events planned. She sent out invites online. I hadn’t responded, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to go, since it’s my cousin’s graduation that day. He asked me to respond, and make a big deal about it so her feelings don’t get hurt. I say ok and do it.

The "make a big deal" part is kinda weird... but it is polite to RSVP to an invitation.

Yesterday he asked me to spend the night, since today is my birthday and I guess we were going to get some alone time. A few hours later he texted me that I can’t come after all. There was another argument between them, and I got kicked to the curb. Apparently he asked her what she wanted for her birthday, and she said nothing, because they had this whole day planned. So he said that he wanted to give her something, since he would be giving me something, and he didn’t want her to be hurt if she didn’t have an actual gift. Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. (Maybe I’m stupid.) But she got upset and went to vent on that site about how inconsiderate that was and how he is the one causing problems.

Again, this was a mistake the bf made. He didn't need to tell his wife he was "trying to be fair" in his gift giving. Meet each partner's needs. Don't tell one what you're doing with the other one in this way.

(BTW, whenever someone says they don't want a gift, you should give them one anyway, in my experience.)

I’m getting tired of this. Like I said, I feel like I’m trying hard to do all these things to make her happy, but she’s still not. I don’t feel like it’s my place to do so. I’m not dating her; I’m her husband’s girlfriend. Maybe I’m wrong? Am I being the stupid young chick new to poly who doesn’t understand?

No, honey. Your instincts are perfectly correct. It's your bf's job to keep his wife happy, and to keep YOU happy!

I’ve considered just telling him I don’t want to deal with his wife’s moods anymore and that part of our relationship just isn’t working. But I don’t want to lose him. I care about him. I enjoy our time together. Usually his wife and I seem to get along. I would really like to continue being his girlfriend, but all this just puts that little doubt in the back of my mind that I can’t keep jumping through hoops for her.

Listen to that doubt. That's your common sense. A new partner does not have the job to keep their metamour happy. No, you don't need to meet with her. You do not need to negotiate with her. You do not need to "date" her (have girl time, go to movies, etc.) You can expect your hinge to keep things balanced. He has to work on his hinging skills. He can also be more discreet and not overshare between partners, blabbing about their conversations, telling one woman what the other one said to him in private, etc.

 

[ref2018]

Note, this is a very old thread. I've been going through old threads from our Golden Nuggets forum. I found the advice given on this one to be pretty bad (IMO), and since we recommend new people go to Golden Nuggets to learn poly principles, I wanted to add my opinions.

What was this even doing in the Golden Nuggets forum in the first place...

I guess in 2009 there weren't many "nuggets" here to choose from, golden or otherwise.

You can always just move them out of GN if they suck. It isn't necessary to remediate every shitshow that got floated through there.

 

[Magdlyn]

What was this even doing in the Golden Nuggets forum in the first place...

I guess in 2009 there weren't many "nuggets" here to choose from, golden or otherwise.

You can always just move them out of GN if they suck. It isn't necessary to remediate every shitshow that got floated through there.

Haha, there are some questionable choices in GN! It's fun to read through them, though. I've removed some dead links and redundancies. I do appreciate the work the mods did there back in the day to collect (mostly) useful information.

 

[kdt26417]

This situation certainly struck me as totally unfair to Alhena. I want to advise her to break up with this guy, tell him to contact her if/when he gets his shit together, but I can see that's not what she wanted to do. As for the thread title, "Is this typical in poly relationships?" I would say no, it's not typical, although fucked-up situations do happen in poly sometimes. Now if the question is, "Should I be okay with the way they're treating me?" I would say hell no. They're both treating her like a disposable object. Not cool. It's too bad Alhena isn't posting anymore; I would like to know how things turned out for her. I feel pretty bad for her; I hope she found someone who was a better match.