NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

Thanks both! Yes, my wife and I are closer, if anything, than ever. We've been making a special effort to use that energy on each other (and indeed some of the great date ideas!); having amazing sex and are as cuddly and lovey as always (we're a very affectionate pair). It's really good. The only negative effect is that I want to talk about what's going on in my head all the time, but she doesn't mind - if anything she says it's all opened me up to talking about my feelings in a way I've need been comfortable doing before, and she likes it.

This is why I think it's just something I need to sort out for myself.
 
sparklepop said:
We were addicted to each other.
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This gives a little of what is going on... I'm not certain, but I think NRE triggers similar things in your brain like addictive chemicals do (smoking, caffeine, other drugs). You're just dying for a hit, and want to bask in the warm loveliness that is NRE.
 
I'm clucking? I could believe it - the patterns are similar to addicts I've known. Ironic for someone who's managed to avoid getting addicted to anything else his whole life!

I categorically do not want to go cold turkey!
 
I have been going through a similar thing. I am not sure it is NRE or the separation that is causing the intense feelings while apart. Because of distance and work I can only see my boyfriends once a week at most sometimes it has been 2 to 3 weeks. We talk daily on the phone and texts. We didn't start poly but feelings grew. When I am with my husband I feel so close to him I am not missing my boyfriend as much, and Husband and I do talk about BF. It Brings us closer in many ways. He also allows me the freedom to text with BF at night while we are watching TV. It is when I am alone during the day that it is hard, almost painful, wondering when I will see him again. Then the extreme excitement when i do know I am going to see him soon and that is all i can think about. Then after we a date the dual emotions of elation of having been with him and disappointment of knowing I won't see him for a while. Pulling myself away from him is difficult. Yes addiction would be a very good word to use.

But on the flip side I do think about HB when I am with my BF. I have had extended time (several days) with my BF and i did miss my HB and think about him during that time is so of the same ways. It was easier to leave HB because I knew and end time and when I would see him and I get SO much more time with him. But I do miss him and think about him when we are apart also. Just makes me think it is more the separation than NRE. Or maybe the separation is extending the NRE since boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year.
 
thisis said:
LovingRadiance - how long have your husband's bouts lasted?
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About 6 months.

Satisfiction said:
This gives a little of what is going on... I'm not certain, but I think NRE triggers similar things in your brain like addictive chemicals do (smoking, caffeine, other drugs). You're just dying for a hit, and want to bask in the warm loveliness that is NRE.
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It does. There's a LOT of scientific evidence on it-actually, very interesting reading and I know that there is a thread on here somewhere about it-becuase a year or so ago we were discussing it a lot. :)
I found a lot of interesting info on psychologytoday website. Also, in my sociology and psychology classes at the college (I'm in school currently) we've discussed this in depth (though not in regard to poly specifically).
 
6 months? Nooooo, not doing that! I refuse! On the basis that the thought process may be limerant, I ended up talking to the lady concerned about it (shock! horror!).

Turns out she was having other insecurities but just doing a better job at hiding it/pretending it wasn't there. We talked about ways around it, but mostly I think the process was cathartic and the reassurance of knowing that I'm not being "needy" (or at least, not being perceived as such), and that even if I were, it wouldn't matter, has made a big difference. If I start missing her, I can just say so and we can make an effort to fix it. Equally she found my investment, and my willingness to talk about any concerns I have (rather than just dumping her without any warning) to be really reassuring. This has calmed her own anxieties a great deal, which has had the side effect of softening her behaviour towards me, which has further reassured me. This stuff is cyclic!

Let's see how this potential case of "communication solving all problems" plays out well. Fingers crossed.
 
My theory (and YMMV) is that NRE is not so much about the person you're with, as it is about your infatuation with yourself. You are suddenly attractive to someone, and loveable, and your self esteem shoots through the roof! But you've gotta get that fix, get that mutual admiration society started, and so you feel desperate for contact, in person, by email, by phone, whatever, just some affirmation that you are as wonderful as you have discovered that you are.

I'm not talking about solid, healthy self esteem, though, and doing things to consciously focus on healthy self esteem can help you feel less desperate for the new person.

I believe that NRE fades as you really get to know them, as you start to let yourself see them as complex people (with aspects you like and aspects you don't), and not just as a mirror for yourself.

That's my theory, anyway.
 
NRE-the new "I was drunk"

I think it's important to understand what NRE is & specifically the affect it has upon your thought processes, just like I think it's important to understand what alcohol is and the affect it has on your thought processes.

But, I am SO disgusted by NRE being used as an excuse for bad behavior.
It is NOT an excuse for bad behavior.

If you are starting a new relationship-fucking be aware of the existence of NRE and how it works.
Set in place an agreement with your SO or a friend or SOMEONE close to you that you ALREADY trust-to tell you when YOU ARE GOING OVERBOARD.
Then-if they say that-
STOP.

It's THAT simple.

If I have a drink-I don't drive. Why?
Because drinking and driving is DANGEROUS.
INNOCENT people can be harmed on account of MY choice.

If you want to start new relationships BE AWARE of the dangers!

This is simple, common courtesy and RESPONSIBLE ADULT BEHAVIOR.

It's not acceptable to justify your heartless disregard for anyone else's feelings with "I was in NRE".

It's not acceptable to justify not following previously made agreements with "I was experiencing NRE".

It's not acceptable to make a total ass of yourself because you aren't willing to reign in your own BEHAVIOR on account of the great sensation you are experiencing from NRE. That's BULLSHIT.

If you CHOOSE to put yourself in situations that may erupt in NRE, you remain fully responsible for your words and actions.

NRE is NOT AN EXCUSE OR JUSTIFICATION for shitty behavior.
 
AutumnalTone said:
I think that bears repeating.
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NRE is NOT AN EXCUSE OR JUSTIFICATION for shitty behavior.

There you go.

I'm guilty of shitty NRE behavior. Oops. Live and learn!
 
Thank you, LR - great post. In my early "discovering poly" days I was bad at this. I have learned, and make sure that my NRE is far more balanced.
 
Wow funny you should bring this up LR :D

Expanding on the dangerous aspects of NRE I think it is a silent or not so silent killer of relationships in the poly mono dynamic.

The struggling partner is getting very mixed or opposite signals. This leads to a negative cycle of events. New partner is all fun. Old ( established) partner is moody, sad, emotional....or over the top trying to be fun and exciting, unnatural for them. Time spent or dates end up being an obligation, less than pleasant, fights and disagreements occur because of the tension and as a result neither party feels more connected in fact much less. Which sets off the repeating of the cycle or a new negative cycle.

The upside for the poly partner is they have a fun alternative. Mono parnter is stuck with a partner they feel less for ...and a partner who at the moment might feel much less towards them from a NRE stand point and a sad, depressed, needy pathetic crazy person standpoint Lose lose. Hard to unwind.
 
sigh... LR. He must be really REALLY good in bed, is all I can think.
 
Mag-this one was a result of me reading posts on here and just getting fed up with some of the idiotic excuses.

Not to be confused with the thread that sent me over the edge of patience with ridiculous, manipulative, psycho wives! LOL!


RP-of course! Entertain away and feel free to copy whatever you want!

;)
 
Yup.

It's brain hormone cascade -- a high! Fun to feel certainly. Addictive, certainly. Don't have to be an academic to Google the "neuroscience of falling in love" to see what the heck is going on in there to cause the "wheeee!" hit. :D

But in time it tapers off to normal and you come down off the pink fluffy lala clouds. THEN the real interesting things happen in the relationship (to me anyway.) I like NRE high but I LOVE ORE. That's what turns me on the most. :)

But if partnered already (vs being single) I think it is on the person to balance that NRE hit thing with the established responsibilities of the ORE. No giving things a a lick and a promise. YOU can put up with no dishes and no clean laundry if you are single as the price to pay for NRE. But when OTHERS count on you for things, that's irresponsible. There's got to be a framework in place for calling into account.

"Hey, you are taking too many happy hits and shirking stuff. Shape up here some. Enjoy but do not drop balls!"

GG
 
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